Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were invited to the shower, you send/bring a gift to the shower. If you are invited to wedding, you bring a gift or card with money to the wedding. But a gift/money is traditional for both occasions, both- not just one

Boom! You disqualified yourself right there. It may be how your circle does it, but bringing the gift is not traditional in a general sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see that it was a Ny wedding. They usually gift gifts for the shower and money at the wedding. You didn’t know. It’s fine. Next time, just bring a check in a card to the wedding and probably more than $250. They are rude.

NP. More than $250?? No f-ing way. I cannot afford that.

[Anonymous]

I have never in my life brought a gift to a wedding. I have always bought off the registry and had it delivered. This thread is loony.

[Anonymous]

You get what you get and you don’t get upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never in my life brought a gift to a wedding. I have always bought off the registry and had it delivered. This thread is loony.

Yep. Pre-internet I remember going with my mom to whatever nice department store they registered at and asking to have a gift off the registry shipped to them.

[Anonymous]

New Yorker. I know plenty of people whose goal was to “make back” the whole cost of the wedding in cash. Usually the larger checks come from longtime friends of your parents and certain relatives. My husband’s family is from a neighboring state and gave us small amounts ($50-$100) even though his family is wealthier. My family gave us between $800-$10,000. I did not expect that at all, as we got married in our mid twenties before our friends and same generation family members. When we attended a friends wedding last year as a couple, we gave them $250 and no physical gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It was a bridal shower, not wedding shower, sorry I mistyped. I was invited but declined due to baby and not being able to travel easily. I sent the bride a card with some kind words and printed a poem on fancy stationery since they asked people to bring a poem or song or reading about love to the shower that they assembled into a book for the bride. I had only met the bride once and didn't know the shower host so I sent my poem via the groom's mother.

I guess it might have been around the same time as the shower that my husband sent the gift from the registry. He filled out all our family names on the gift message, and the store should have flagged him and the buyer, but the thank you card for that gift was made out only to me, now that I think about it.

Thanks for all the replies. Glad to learn that while we may have missed the cultural etiquette on the card box, it's still not polite to be tracked down this way. It was the fanciest wedding I've ever attended, so it did strike me a little bit like they might be trying to recoup costs, but I'll try to read it in the best possible light, "bless her heart."

Well yeah, you didn’t even cover the cost of your plates! Tacky. They’re thinking “bless her (ignorant, uneducated) heart.”

You should send a check so they don’t think badly of your H who knows them better than you.

JFC, it is a party and the bride and groom (and their parents if they do it that way) are the HOSTS. Hosts provide food and drink to guests. They should never expect guests to pay for their own meals, which is exactly what the crude "cover the cost of your plate" myth is all about.

When deciding how much to spend on a wedding gift, you might be swayed by the widespread idea that you should buy something equivalent to the cost per plate at the reception.

However, “covering your plate” isn’t expected, says Lizzie Post, etiquette expert and co-host of Emily Post’s “Awesome Etiquette” podcast. The value of your gift “is never based off how much the couple is paying per plate,” she tells CNBC Make It. “That is a misconception in American culture.”

That’s because guests should never know the cost of the wedding. There’s no need to speculate on how much, or how little, the bride and groom spent on their big day, either. “It’s none of your business,” Post says. “They might have had a family friend who catered all the food. Or they might have had unlimited funds, and you don’t have to know that either.”

Instead, you should figure out how much you can comfortably spend and stay within those limits, Post advises.

Source: https://www.cnbc.com/2018/05/22/when-buying-a-wedding-gift-you-dont-have-to-cover-your-plate.html

And there are many, many other sources for the same advice, including The Knot and Miss Manners. "Cover your plate" is crass.

OMG, this. So gross.