Were we supposed to bring a card $$ to the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Local Ny'er here and for weddings especially Italian you give cash the day of the wedding. Gifts are for showers or house warming parties.

NP who lives in NYC suburbs. I give a gift for the shower (if I want to attend, but usually I don't) and a gift for the wedding. Cash is tacky.

[Anonymous]

MTV had a show, Bridezilla, one episode was a NY/NJ Italian bride & groom. Before the wedding the groom threatened to kill the hired limo driver, believe it was specifically to slit his throat. After the wedding, the newlyweds counted their cash. They commented how some guests hadn't given enough to cover the expense of inviting them and now they, the newlyweds had to pay out of pocket for their wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg this is the RUDEST thing I have ever heard!! How passive aggressive of them. No, you were no supposed to send a card and they should not be soliciting gifts. I would seriously reconsider my relationship with these people.

Parents should not be involved in the card contents. Guests will ask the couple if a check didn't clear months later. Ignore it or reply briefly to the couple via a call, text, or email “Lovely wedding. MOB asked about a card and we sent a gift, Le Creuset whatever, listed on the registry. Best wishes, blah and blah."

Physical gift items on or off a registry can be not trackable as to which guest sent it - ie buy a registry item from another vendor. Sometimes a gift message is enclosed but if it's shipped from the manufacturer that is not always enclosed. Stuff could either be more gifts from people for whom you already have listed a gift or people who you don't have anything listed. 2 columns - shower and wedding.

Decades of NY through DC weddings in our experience. Various ethnic backgrounds etc. Venues still designate spots for wrapped gifts in 2022.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

Did you attend the wedding shower? I think it is traditional to give a smaller gift for a wedding shower and a larger one for the wedding. I think it is incredibly tacky for them to contact you about money when you already sent a nice gift. I guess it’s a thing for NY Italians to give money at a wedding- it’s a trope anyway.

Racist.

We are not Italian, and we give money because the bride and groom have everything they need - they are not children.

We definitely do not go empty handed to a celebration - I thought that is good manners, no matter the family's background.

Wow.

Italian isn’t a race, dumbass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MTV had a show, Bridezilla, one episode was a NY/NJ Italian bride & groom. Before the wedding the groom threatened to kill the hired limo driver, believe it was specifically to slit his throat. After the wedding, the newlyweds counted their cash. They commented how some guests hadn't given enough to cover the expense of inviting them and now they, the newlyweds had to pay out of pocket for their wedding.

OMG I remember this episode and it was around 20 years ago. It was exactly what I thought of when I read the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MTV had a show, Bridezilla, one episode was a NY/NJ Italian bride & groom. Before the wedding the groom threatened to kill the hired limo driver, believe it was specifically to slit his throat. After the wedding, the newlyweds counted their cash. They commented how some guests hadn't given enough to cover the expense of inviting them and now they, the newlyweds had to pay out of pocket for their wedding.

This is why the concept of “cover your plate” is so distasteful. It equates a wedding invitation to an invoice. Classic NYC thing, making everything about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

Did you attend the wedding shower? I think it is traditional to give a smaller gift for a wedding shower and a larger one for the wedding. I think it is incredibly tacky for them to contact you about money when you already sent a nice gift. I guess it’s a thing for NY Italians to give money at a wedding- it’s a trope anyway.

Racist.

We are not Italian, and we give money because the bride and groom have everything they need - they are not children.

We definitely do not go empty handed to a celebration - I thought that is good manners, no matter the family's background.

Wow.

I’m a southern wasp and I can tell you that in my culture:

1) it’s considered very rude to bring a gift to a wedding because then someone has to deal with carrying it home. You are supposed to send it in advance

And 2) it’s considered very tacky to give cash or a check

I’m confused by op’s post though.

Op, did you attend a shower? If you attend a shower, you should give a gift at the shower and then also send a gift in advance or within a year of the wedding date.

I think it was strange of the mom to text you.

There is no obligation to give a gift.

I think in traditional etiquette there is actually an obligation to give a gift if you are the guest; HOWEVER, traditional etiquette would also say that the newlyweds are NOT to expect gifts. All this being said, the MOB reaching out is gross in any etiquette standards.

[Anonymous]

Another NY Italian here. They were rude. Were you invited to the shower but didn’t send anything? They may have misunderstood and thought it was a shower gift. Still, you never ask like that. They do not have manners.

Yes, most gave presents for the shower and cards at my wedding not not everyone. I would never ask if someone didn’t bring anything. Some people still purchased off of the registry for the wedding, especially friends or people from DH’s side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NJ/NY wedding - my understanding is that registry gifts are for engagement parties and showers. People bring $$$ to the wedding.

I grew up in the Midwest OP and got married in my hometown- so I would have 100% understood your generous gift to be the wedding gift. Where I am from a shower gift is is something under $50 or even under $25 like a mixing bowl or a set of oven mitts.

I married into an Italian family from NJ and we hardly got anything we registered for and got mostly cash and checks.

Another Midwesterner here. Gifts are for the shower and cash is for the wedding in my Eastern Euro community.

Middle aged Hoosier here. I don't recall ever attending a wedding shower, only bridal showers where gifts were of a personal nature for the bride. What would you give at a wedding shower that you wouldn't give for the wedding? Giving cash would be considered incredibly rude.

[Anonymous]

I’d probably write back sorry, I’m not sure what she’s referring to, but I gave the whatever item from the registry, hope they enjoy it. And then move on from those tacky people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

Did you attend the wedding shower? I think it is traditional to give a smaller gift for a wedding shower and a larger one for the wedding. I think it is incredibly tacky for them to contact you about money when you already sent a nice gift. I guess it’s a thing for NY Italians to give money at a wedding- it’s a trope anyway.

Racist.

We are not Italian, and we give money because the bride and groom have everything they need - they are not children.

We definitely do not go empty handed to a celebration - I thought that is good manners, no matter the family's background.

Wow.

Oh, grow up.

Wow.

Struck a nerve with your racism, I suppose.

NP
It’s not racism. It’s stereotyping. Learn the difference.

[Anonymous]

Wait, who spends $250 on a shower gift? Maybe if you are MOB or MOG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

Did you attend the wedding shower? I think it is traditional to give a smaller gift for a wedding shower and a larger one for the wedding. I think it is incredibly tacky for them to contact you about money when you already sent a nice gift. I guess it’s a thing for NY Italians to give money at a wedding- it’s a trope anyway.

Racist.

We are not Italian, and we give money because the bride and groom have everything they need - they are not children.

We definitely do not go empty handed to a celebration - I thought that is good manners, no matter the family's background.

Wow.

Oh, grow up.

Wow.

Struck a nerve with your racism, I suppose.

NP
It’s not racism. It’s stereotyping. Learn the difference.

It is both, and until you have experienced both, shut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We sent a wedding gift off the registry a month or two before the wedding (about $250). Got a thank you card saying "Thank you for the shower gift. Look forward to seeing you at the wedding."

Didn't think much of it, wedding came and went, now a month later we got a text from mother of the bride saying "Bride and groom got back from Aruba. They were doing their thank you notes but didn't see a card from you in the card box. There may have been a mistake so we wanted to check with you."

Did we make a mistake sending the wedding gift too early? Was it a faux pas not to bring a card for the card box? Is that a regional/cultural thing we might have missed, southerner marrying into big NY Italian family? They did have a big card box at the reception, no gift table that I saw. We just did the registry after getting the invitation since traveling with a baby we didn't want to transport a gift.

Did you attend the wedding shower? I think it is traditional to give a smaller gift for a wedding shower and a larger one for the wedding. I think it is incredibly tacky for them to contact you about money when you already sent a nice gift. I guess it’s a thing for NY Italians to give money at a wedding- it’s a trope anyway.

Racist.

We are not Italian, and we give money because the bride and groom have everything they need - they are not children.

We definitely do not go empty handed to a celebration - I thought that is good manners, no matter the family's background.

Wow.

Italian isn’t a race, dumbass.

You are so classy, tho.
I would definitely take etiquette recommendations from someone like you.
NOT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

“Sorry for the confusion! Lovely wedding! We sent a gift and card ahead of time as we do down here. Seeing a card box was a new tradition I’ve never seen before. Very cool. I’m sorry we didn’t know to bring a second card to the wedding but please send our love and I sure hope they are loving the Food Ninja they register for! BLESS YOUR HEART FOR REACHING OUT!”

this +100