Over 50 and Older sister not speaking to me for more than 10 years

[Anonymous]

It's been more than 10 years since my older sister has spoken to me.

I've made several attempts. I don't live in our hometown. I've traveled back, and she has refused (through other relatives) to see more or speak to me.

Most recently, I was in my hometown this past weekend. I let my brother-in-law, her husband, and our cousins know when I booked the flight a month in advance.

At least now I know, that she really just doesn't want me in her life. I'm so done. I'm not reaching out to her again. I'm not asking her again.

What happened? What difference does it really make? I was born. She didn't like me from the moment I was born. Isn't that ever really a possible reason? Why does there actually have to be any other reason?

My sister has said the usual. That she won't see me or speak to me, unless I give her an apology. For what? LoL.

There's always some reason she wants me to apologize to her. I can list all of the reasons I have for being upset with her, but you would only be getting my side of the story:

1. She's late to our scheduled and planned activities. The last time I tried to plan anything with her was to meet to see the movie The Mummy in 1999. I bought the tickets. She was more than an hour late. I stopped making plans with her, after a lifetime of this.
2. She tells people that she's the "evil sister" and I'm the good sister.
3. She threw shoes at me across the hospital room when our mother died about 20 years ago.
4. She and her husband cleared out my mother's belongings, and she shared nothing.
5. When our father died, she sent me papers from an attorney to sign over everything to her. I did it because I thought she would start speaking to me again. She did not.
6. She speaks to everyone else in the family, extended cousins, etc., and she tells them a different story about why she doesn't speak to me.

My heart is genuinely broken. On the airplane ride back from my hometown visit, my heart was so heavy, it hurt. I can't cry anymore. I feel like I have no family left. Neither one of us had children. This has affected every area of my life. I'm very susceptible to being bullied by other women in the workplace. I have no women friends in my life.

[Anonymous]

So just apologize? Seems like you're desperate for a relationship and if that's the one thing standing in the way how hard would it be? Otherwise you're holding a grudge too and don't mean any of this.

[Anonymous]

"What happened? What difference does it really make? I was born. She didn't like me from the moment I was born. Isn't that ever really a possible reason? Why does there actually have to be any other reason?"

Well, usually there is. The fact that you won't disclose what it is says a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been more than 10 years since my older sister has spoken to me.

I've made several attempts. I don't live in our hometown. I've traveled back, and she has refused (through other relatives) to see more or speak to me.

Most recently, I was in my hometown this past weekend. I let my brother-in-law, her husband, and our cousins know when I booked the flight a month in advance.

At least now I know, that she really just doesn't want me in her life. I'm so done. I'm not reaching out to her again. I'm not asking her again.

What happened? What difference does it really make? I was born. She didn't like me from the moment I was born. Isn't that ever really a possible reason? Why does there actually have to be any other reason?

My sister has said the usual. That she won't see me or speak to me, unless I give her an apology. For what? LoL.

There's always some reason she wants me to apologize to her. I can list all of the reasons I have for being upset with her, but you would only be getting my side of the story:

1. She's late to our scheduled and planned activities. The last time I tried to plan anything with her was to meet to see the movie The Mummy in 1999. I bought the tickets. She was more than an hour late. I stopped making plans with her, after a lifetime of this.
2. She tells people that she's the "evil sister" and I'm the good sister.
3. She threw shoes at me across the hospital room when our mother died about 20 years ago.
4. She and her husband cleared out my mother's belongings, and she shared nothing.
5. When our father died, she sent me papers from an attorney to sign over everything to her. I did it because I thought she would start speaking to me again. She did not.
6. She speaks to everyone else in the family, extended cousins, etc., and she tells them a different story about why she doesn't speak to me.

My heart is genuinely broken. On the airplane ride back from my hometown visit, my heart was so heavy, it hurt. I can't cry anymore. I feel like I have no family left. Neither one of us had children. This has affected every area of my life. I'm very susceptible to being bullied by other women in the workplace. I have no women friends in my life.

Doesn't sound like your heart is "genuinely" broken at all. Have you even tried to find out real reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So just apologize? Seems like you're desperate for a relationship and if that's the one thing standing in the way how hard would it be? Otherwise you're holding a grudge too and don't mean any of this.

I did apologize.

I was on the phone with my brother-in-law this weekend for over an hour talking about all of this. I said the words, "I apologize." Then, he tells me that the last time she visited me in Arlington, VA, my hypoallergenic dog bothered her. I said, "Okay, he's 13, he probably won't live for very long. He's at the sitter. He's not with me." Why didn't she ask me to leave my dog at the sitter?

Every time I apologize to her for something, she then finds another reason for me to apologize. She NEVER does this with other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So just apologize? Seems like you're desperate for a relationship and if that's the one thing standing in the way how hard would it be? Otherwise you're holding a grudge too and don't mean any of this.

I did apologize.

I was on the phone with my brother-in-law this weekend for over an hour talking about all of this. I said the words, "I apologize." Then, he tells me that the last time she visited me in Arlington, VA, my hypoallergenic dog bothered her. I said, "Okay, he's 13, he probably won't live for very long. He's at the sitter. He's not with me." Why didn't she ask me to leave my dog at the sitter?

Every time I apologize to her for something, she then finds another reason for me to apologize. She NEVER does this with other people.

Apologize to your sister. Say "I'm sorry". You didn't apologize to her. You're over 50 and bickering with your sister over stupid shit? Are you sure about your age?

[Anonymous]

If it's been 10 years since you last spoke with your sister how are there so many issues you're still complaining about. The dog? She didn't ask you to do something about it? Then every time you apologize she finds something new? But you haven't spoken in 10 years how many times is all this really happening?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's been 10 years since you last spoke with your sister how are there so many issues you're still complaining about. The dog? She didn't ask you to do something about it? Then every time you apologize she finds something new? But you haven't spoken in 10 years how many times is all this really happening?

She visited me in Arlington, VA ten years ago. That was the last time we spoke. All she had to do was actually communicate with me that my dog was bothering her. I would have asked a neighbor to watch him, or I would have left him at a sitter. That is the last time we spoke.

I've given up. I'm not doing this anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's been 10 years since you last spoke with your sister how are there so many issues you're still complaining about. The dog? She didn't ask you to do something about it? Then every time you apologize she finds something new? But you haven't spoken in 10 years how many times is all this really happening?

She visited me in Arlington, VA ten years ago. That was the last time we spoke. All she had to do was actually communicate with me that my dog was bothering her. I would have asked a neighbor to watch him, or I would have left him at a sitter. That is the last time we spoke.

I've given up. I'm not doing this anymore.

Well that was quick. Just a few minutes ago you were genuinely heart broken. Glad you picked yourself up and are moving on.

[Anonymous]

Did your parents favor you over her? It's not fair to hold resentment at a sibling for that but it can be hard not to. My sister and I have a difficult relationship because my parents favored her and she has never acknowledged it. If she were ever to do so, I would feel so validated and heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's been 10 years since you last spoke with your sister how are there so many issues you're still complaining about. The dog? She didn't ask you to do something about it? Then every time you apologize she finds something new? But you haven't spoken in 10 years how many times is all this really happening?

She visited me in Arlington, VA ten years ago. That was the last time we spoke. All she had to do was actually communicate with me that my dog was bothering her. I would have asked a neighbor to watch him, or I would have left him at a sitter. That is the last time we spoke.

I've given up. I'm not doing this anymore.

Well that was quick. Just a few minutes ago you were genuinely heart broken. Glad you picked yourself up and are moving on.

It's a life time of processing grief. It's been 10 years. I feel like I have closure now, where I honestly believed there was something I could do or say or apologize. I think it hurt too much for me to see the truth. My sister never liked me. She never had a choice in whether or not I was brought into her life. I was just born into the family. She was four years older. She was there first. Once my mother died and then my father five years later, she didn't have to pretend anymore. She's free of me, and she's happy. And yes, I can accept that and move on. Because this is her choice, not mine. Because I do love her, and I've said I loved her over and over again, and that I want a relationship with her, it's her choice to not be in my life. That leaves me at peace.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is mentally ill. It is not you, it is her. She gains some kind of sense of power and control from excluding you and probably others. Your overtures only provide narcissistic supply and reinforcement. I know someone whose sister declared them dead 20 years ago. It was hard but they finally accepted that you cannot reason with madness. They forgave their sister and the door is open, but they stopped pursuing and try to remember that decision when the pain comes up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is mentally ill. It is not you, it is her. She gains some kind of sense of power and control from excluding you and probably others. Your overtures only provide narcissistic supply and reinforcement. I know someone whose sister declared them dead 20 years ago. It was hard but they finally accepted that you cannot reason with madness. They forgave their sister and the door is open, but they stopped pursuing and try to remember that decision when the pain comes up again.

OP here. Thank you for this. I've learned in the last few years about narcissism from YouTube, like Dr. Ramani.

My sister was born with a disability, where she had to wear corrective braces on her legs. She received a lot of "attention" from a young age. She was also the first grandchild. Her legs were fine at around age 4 by the time I was born. She didn't have to walk with the braces or crutches. I don't think my parents prepared her for having another sibling in the house to share time and attention. There are plenty of family photos of my sister in her leg braces as a baby and toddler, and she did look very sweet and it does tug at your heartstrings that she couldn't walk.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn't like you and doesn't want a relationship with you, why are you so desperate to be connected? Because she's family? If she were a former friend would you be this obsessed?

You hate it and feel it's unfair, but it's time to accept reality and just move on. I think apologizing when you don't think you did anything wrong and claim to not know why will not help. Either she has told you all the things that hurt and you are minimizing them or she just can't be pleased. Regardless, you clearly feel you are innocent so move on.

My sister hated me from birth and wanted nothing to do with me. She would ignore me in a room if not insulting me. I accepted it. Suddenly in middle age she wanted a relationship. Turned out she needed things like POA and all sorts of favors. There is no foundation of love and trust. She tried showering me with gifts I never wanted, but you cannot buy love. There is no history of positive interactions, building trust, loyalty, etc. Being related is not enough. I still have a relationship with her though, I just make it clear it must be with major boundaries.

[Anonymous]

My older sister has a life-long history of cutting people off without any explanation. It goes on for years. She's done this to family AND friends, often rotating. She'd talk to me for years, but cut off our brother. Now she is talking to our brother but cut me off. I decided this time is the last time and I refuse to have any kind of relationship with her again. My DH supports my decision as he has seen for himself how she interferes in relationships and crosses boundaries.

OP, here is a clue to what you are doing wrong: "I was on the phone with my brother-in-law this weekend for over an hour talking about all of this."

You need to respect the fact that your sister does not want a relationship with you and STOP contacting her husband. Why are you doing that?

There are no nieces/nephews/cousins involved in this so there is no family connection which could be maintained for childrens' sake.

I do not miss the neverending toxic dance with my sister, but I do mourn that I never had the kind of relationship with her that could have been.