Over 50 and Older sister not speaking to me for more than 10 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I fail to understand is why do you feel your sister owes you a relationship beyond what she’s given you? Why do you feel entitled to her time or energy? Just because you’re sisters? Sometimes that’s not enough. Sometimes personalities clash and as adults you get to choose who you want to be connected to. Why is that not enough for you?

I’m not close to one sibling. We see each other during family gatherings a few times a year and are cordial, but beyond that I have no interest in her life. At all. She is who she is and I accept that. I am who I am and don’t make any apologies for being me. And no, I don’t think it’s unfortunate because we both have full but separate lives. And for me, that’s ok.

Well, that's a good question.

Here's what's happened in the past. I will leave her alone after an attempt at speaking to her. Through mutual friends and family, she will find out I'm in town. A cousin will contact me, asking if I want to see my sister. I will say, "Of course." My cousin will say, just this past weekend, that my sister says she's been thinking about me. I get my hopes up. I send my cousin and my BIL a short text. "I'll be in town at this time and this place, if you have time and you want to see me." I don't impose on them. I stay at a hotel. I rent a car. I can't make plans with her to be somewhere at a particular time and place. I've already explained that my sister would consistently show up an hour late. Then, when the time comes for us to meet, my sister says she's too tired. Or she has to work a shift at the grocery store. But I'm there a few days. And sometimes, she will make the time to be where we were going to meet, except the next day.

I don't talk about this with any extended family or friends. There are only two or three cousins, my first cousins, who know that my sister refuses to speak to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:For people saying not to contact my sister when I'm in town, I don't think that was the right thing to do, either. If I'm in town, and I'm at a huge gathering where other mutual family and friends will see me, then my sister would have reason to be upset, that I didn't contact her.

It's not your sister's fault you have no other friends. Work on you first instead of laying all your problems at her feet. The common denominator in you lack of family, friends, other women in your life is you.

Sounds like Dr. Phil.

I actually signed up for season tickets to the ballet, and then also to volunteer at the theatre. I feel like I can make friends through mutual interest in the arts.

I really do appreciate most of the comments on here. You've been very helpful.

OP, you don't realize you're self-owning, but you are. Watching your behavior on this thread, you seem in denial. You lash out (Dr Phil, other insults) at anybody who doesn't make you out to be an angel. You refuse therapy. You launch into bizarre speculation about why your parents waited four years to have a kid. You talk about your sister to her husband behind her back, and so much more. You don't have any friends in your fifties, and that's a red flag.

Please don't limit yourself to seeking validation from the few people on this thread who still trust you. Please seek therapy.

You missed the post where OP clearly states that she doesn't have friends in the city where she currently lives, but she DOES have friends and relatives in her hometown. So yes, she does have friends, but in a different geographical location

Same as me, and I'm 55. No close friends here, only casual acquaintances or surface level friends.
My best friends are in my hometown (they never moved away) and we've known each other since we were kids or teens.

There are ride-or-die friends in your hometown and there are friends you have dinner with when you visit every two years. It's not clear which OP has.

She literally says she has no women friends in her life in the OP. I think that’s pretty clear unless she’s changing the story. Regardless of geography.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I fail to understand is why do you feel your sister owes you a relationship beyond what she’s given you? Why do you feel entitled to her time or energy? Just because you’re sisters? Sometimes that’s not enough. Sometimes personalities clash and as adults you get to choose who you want to be connected to. Why is that not enough for you?

I’m not close to one sibling. We see each other during family gatherings a few times a year and are cordial, but beyond that I have no interest in her life. At all. She is who she is and I accept that. I am who I am and don’t make any apologies for being me. And no, I don’t think it’s unfortunate because we both have full but separate lives. And for me, that’s ok.

Well, that's a good question.

Here's what's happened in the past. I will leave her alone after an attempt at speaking to her. Through mutual friends and family, she will find out I'm in town. A cousin will contact me, asking if I want to see my sister. I will say, "Of course." My cousin will say, just this past weekend, that my sister says she's been thinking about me. I get my hopes up. I send my cousin and my BIL a short text. "I'll be in town at this time and this place, if you have time and you want to see me." I don't impose on them. I stay at a hotel. I rent a car. I can't make plans with her to be somewhere at a particular time and place. I've already explained that my sister would consistently show up an hour late. Then, when the time comes for us to meet, my sister says she's too tired. Or she has to work a shift at the grocery store. But I'm there a few days. And sometimes, she will make the time to be where we were going to meet, except the next day.

I don't talk about this with any extended family or friends. There are only two or three cousins, my first cousins, who know that my sister refuses to speak to me.

And all of this was 10 or more years ago. Unless the story has changed. Also, I don't get how you claim you can't make plans but you're still setting up times to meet her. Whatever.

OP, your sister doesn't want to see you. We don't know her reasons. Although if I had a sister who mocked me for working at the grocery store instead of using my therapy degree I might pass on you too.

Again, if you're serious about wanting a relationship with her, you're going to need to do something more than arranging a show-down at OK Corral through your BIL and/or cousins. Because that's probably what she thinks it's going to be. You need to give her a strong indication that you sincerely want to reunite, and that you're willing to apologize for whatever you haven't told us, so long as she's also sincerely willing to meet and apologize if necessary. Send a letter or card directly to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I fail to understand is why do you feel your sister owes you a relationship beyond what she’s given you? Why do you feel entitled to her time or energy? Just because you’re sisters? Sometimes that’s not enough. Sometimes personalities clash and as adults you get to choose who you want to be connected to. Why is that not enough for you?

I’m not close to one sibling. We see each other during family gatherings a few times a year and are cordial, but beyond that I have no interest in her life. At all. She is who she is and I accept that. I am who I am and don’t make any apologies for being me. And no, I don’t think it’s unfortunate because we both have full but separate lives. And for me, that’s ok.

Well, that's a good question.

Here's what's happened in the past. I will leave her alone after an attempt at speaking to her. Through mutual friends and family, she will find out I'm in town. A cousin will contact me, asking if I want to see my sister. I will say, "Of course." My cousin will say, just this past weekend, that my sister says she's been thinking about me. I get my hopes up. I send my cousin and my BIL a short text. "I'll be in town at this time and this place, if you have time and you want to see me." I don't impose on them. I stay at a hotel. I rent a car. I can't make plans with her to be somewhere at a particular time and place. I've already explained that my sister would consistently show up an hour late. Then, when the time comes for us to meet, my sister says she's too tired. Or she has to work a shift at the grocery store. But I'm there a few days. And sometimes, she will make the time to be where we were going to meet, except the next day.

I don't talk about this with any extended family or friends. There are only two or three cousins, my first cousins, who know that my sister refuses to speak to me.

Take a step back and look at the big picture OP. She has showed you who she is and how she feels about you. Act accordingly. If she refuses to see you, whether you think it’s a valid reason(s) or not, leave her alone. She doesn’t owe you a relationship with you on your terms. Lower your expectations of a relationship with her and go live your life.

[Anonymous]

If she were in your life you might have been here complaining about how horrible she is to you. And people would be advising you to cut the ties. Go out, make friends, find some social outlets. Sometimes family members just don’t mesh and there is so much baggage that it can never work. Move on. She isn’t your friend and doesn’t want to be.

[Anonymous]

What if she passed away and you never knew about it ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if she passed away and you never knew about it ?

What if any old friend from your past passed away and you didn’t know about it? It happens, and you might feel sad, but if someone is not regularly in your life, it doesn’t change your day to day life if they are gone. They’re not in you life anyway. At some point, you find out, and you send your condolences. I still hear from old friends of my parents every so often who have just heard that they died, even though it was years ago. They’re sad that they’re gone p, but obviously not devastated.

[Anonymous]

You get to choose your friends but not your family. I have a sister and we last spoke 7 years ago at funeral of another family member. Prior we had not spoken in 10 years. It isn't that we don't like each other we simply LOATHE each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you don’t care about her or really want a relationship, you just want to needle her. You don’t get your lack of connection with her to be her call.

Too bad, she jettisoned your controlling arse, and she sounds well-rid of you.

You are a mean tonight. What did you drink?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody cuts off a close family member without good reason. Nobody.

When you hurt people, don't expect to get away with it indefinitely.

Plenty of people are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, since you said you live a plane ride away from everyone in your hometown , I’m assuming your sister was more involved in elder care? Sometimes that can do it.

No, my mother died almost 20 years ago. I was still living there up until 2010, when I moved. You're assuming wrong. I was there for my mother. She was not an elder. She was in her early 50s. She was sick for about 3 months. I was actually the one who handled everything.

So your sister handled everything for your dad.

DP. Please just shut up.

That's really mature. You must be OP?

You are no better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, some people are really vested in proving that I'm at fault.

And this is what perpetuates these family dynamics. I said that you're only getting my side of the story. I said I was genuinely sorry, and I apologized. I wanted to move forward.

OP: move on. Pay no attention to the strangers here who don't care about your well being, like your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has gone off the rails.

A lot of mean sisters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm very susceptible to being bullied by other women in the workplace. I have no women friends in my life.

Yea. You’re the problem here. Can’t imagine the truths your sister would say if she was posting here.

Here comes the school bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For people saying not to contact my sister when I'm in town, I don't think that was the right thing to do, either. If I'm in town, and I'm at a huge gathering where other mutual family and friends will see me, then my sister would have reason to be upset, that I didn't contact her.

It's not your sister's fault you have no other friends. Work on you first instead of laying all your problems at her feet. The common denominator in you lack of family, friends, other women in your life is you.

Sounds like Dr. Phil.

I actually signed up for season tickets to the ballet, and then also to volunteer at the theatre. I feel like I can make friends through mutual interest in the arts.

I really do appreciate most of the comments on here. You've been very helpful.

OP, you don't realize you're self-owning, but you are. Watching your behavior on this thread, you seem in denial. You lash out (Dr Phil, other insults) at anybody who doesn't make you out to be an angel. You refuse therapy. You launch into bizarre speculation about why your parents waited four years to have a kid. You talk about your sister to her husband behind her back, and so much more. You don't have any friends in your fifties, and that's a red flag.

Please don't limit yourself to seeking validation from the few people on this thread who still trust you. Please seek therapy.

My sister has a master's in psychology. She mostly went to school to work out some of her own issues. It's why I don't believe in "therapy". Most psychologists and therapists I have seen, are some messed up people.

So you mocked your sister's career earlier in the thread, now you're mocking her degree, and you're slamming an entire profession. Can you see the problem in your relationship with her yet?

OP's sister found this thread.