Over 50 and Older sister not speaking to me for more than 10 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, some people are really vested in proving that I'm at fault.

And this is what perpetuates these family dynamics. I said that you're only getting my side of the story. I said I was genuinely sorry, and I apologized. I wanted to move forward.

You said you were sorry to BIL when you were talking about your sister behind her back. Not exactly the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, some people are really vested in proving that I'm at fault.

And this is what perpetuates these family dynamics. I said that you're only getting my side of the story. I said I was genuinely sorry, and I apologized. I wanted to move forward.

There is almost never a "nothing" in these situations. There is something. Maybe accept that your sister sees the situation differently and could have been treated poorly when you were young but you didn't see it. My siblings are older than me - 10 and 12 years older - and it's only now that I have found out how much more of a burden they had when we growing up bc my dad died when I was young. It's not something I ever saw or understood when I was growing up but now that I am older and how it was for them has come out in bits and pieces I realize that I can understand why they would accuse me of being selfish, etc. I was but it was due to my young age and ignorance of adult issues. Now that they are older, they too understand this.

So, both of us had to accept that our perception and recollection of the events in our early years are vastly different but both were valid.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're truly interested in reconciling with your sister, you need to send her a card as a pp suggested, or simply place a phone call to her (and not to her DH). You need to listen to her and to apologize to her directly. You may or may not get an apology from her because we don't know her side of the story, but I agree an apology would be nice.

Otherwise it just looks, as others here have said, that you're trying to get a gang of internet strangers to agree you're right and she's wrong. And that's not going to help anybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, some people are really vested in proving that I'm at fault.

And this is what perpetuates these family dynamics. I said that you're only getting my side of the story. I said I was genuinely sorry, and I apologized. I wanted to move forward.

You said you were sorry to BIL when you were talking about your sister behind her back. Not exactly the same thing.

My BIL called me.

Of course, I let my family, my cousins and my BIL know when I would be in town, just sent a short message via FB.

Could you imagine if I didn't? I went to a large weekend festival, where are family and friends would be. I saw a lot of people there, mutual friends and family.

No, I was not talking about her behind her back. I figured she was actually sitting right next to my BIL while we were on the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, some people are really vested in proving that I'm at fault.

And this is what perpetuates these family dynamics. I said that you're only getting my side of the story. I said I was genuinely sorry, and I apologized. I wanted to move forward.

You said you were sorry to BIL when you were talking about your sister behind her back. Not exactly the same thing.

My BIL called me.

Of course, I let my family, my cousins and my BIL know when I would be in town, just sent a short message via FB.

Could you imagine if I didn't? I went to a large weekend festival, where are family and friends would be. I saw a lot of people there, mutual friends and family.

No, I was not talking about her behind her back. I figured she was actually sitting right next to my BIL while we were on the phone.

No, you can't figure anything about where your sister was sitting. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister like this. She just always has a grievance with me, our brothers, or our parents. Even when I understand why she is upset, the way she handles it just makes it hard to have a relationship. It is not enough for her for someone to apologize. She wants people to tell her she's right about everything, to do what she says, to defer to her on all matters. It's not about an apology, it's about relinquishing all authority to her.

I think my sister has some valid things to be angry about. We had a not great upbringing with parents who were often very immature and selfish, occasionally physically abusive, often emotionally/verbally abusive. I get it, I was there. But my sister channels this anger against everyone, including her siblings. Like OP, I often feel like my sister is angry I was born and has hated me ever since, and nothing I do or say can change that perspective. It's not possible to "repair" a relationship like that. She wants something from me I can't give if I want to feel okay about myself. And I also grew up in an abusive/neglectful home. I also deserve kindness and empathy and a place in the world. She wants me to create that for her but feels no such obligation to me.

I dropped the rope a while ago. That of course made her angry too. But I am at peace. If she ever finds some peace in her heart with regards to me, I'd be open to that. But I'm not going to keep trying with someone who is unkind to me, disrespects me, constantly demands more of me while giving absolutely nothing in return.

I have a somewhat similar situation to yours. I stopped dealing with my sister’s controlling personality many years ago.
Just like your sister, she is apparently angry that I refuse to acquiesce to her demands.

She sends me mean spirited texts and emails, sometimes weaving them into family business messages that include outside business professionals and employees. I ignore her personal insults and just deal with the business information. I can only imagine what the non family members on these email threads must think- probably that she’s rather unprofessional if not unhinged.

She has also attempted to have relationships with my children. I said nothing, but they quickly figured her out and now steer clear of her. She will also sometimes send them mean or snarky messages, but they just ignore.

I don’t know what causes someone to act like this. Maybe it is some kind of mental illness. I don’t know and I couldn’t let her adversely affect me or my children, so I stay away from any involvement with her.

[Anonymous]

You seem to be reveling in being a victim.

Get some therapy and move on with your life. You will be happier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, some people are really vested in proving that I'm at fault.

And this is what perpetuates these family dynamics. I said that you're only getting my side of the story. I said I was genuinely sorry, and I apologized. I wanted to move forward.

You said you were sorry to BIL when you were talking about your sister behind her back. Not exactly the same thing.

My BIL called me.

Of course, I let my family, my cousins and my BIL know when I would be in town, just sent a short message via FB.

Could you imagine if I didn't? I went to a large weekend festival, where are family and friends would be. I saw a lot of people there, mutual friends and family.

No, I was not talking about her behind her back. I figured she was actually sitting right next to my BIL while we were on the phone.

So it sounds like you have a lot of friends and family yet moaned in your OP about how you had no one. Which is it? You keep changing the story here.

[Anonymous]

This thread has gone off the rails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has gone off the rails.

Well it’s certainty not providing the chorus of validation that OP was hoping for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, some people are really vested in proving that I'm at fault.

And this is what perpetuates these family dynamics. I said that you're only getting my side of the story. I said I was genuinely sorry, and I apologized. I wanted to move forward.

There is almost never a "nothing" in these situations. There is something. Maybe accept that your sister sees the situation differently and could have been treated poorly when you were young but you didn't see it. My siblings are older than me - 10 and 12 years older - and it's only now that I have found out how much more of a burden they had when we growing up bc my dad died when I was young. It's not something I ever saw or understood when I was growing up but now that I am older and how it was for them has come out in bits and pieces I realize that I can understand why they would accuse me of being selfish, etc. I was but it was due to my young age and ignorance of adult issues. Now that they are older, they too understand this.

So, both of us had to accept that our perception and recollection of the events in our early years are vastly different but both were valid.

My older sister was not treated poorly. She was given whatever she wanted. A new bike. An 8th grade graduation party. A new car. A sweet 16 party. A high school graduation party. The wedding. She married my BIL at 30. We each even had our own rooms, with just a connecting hallway, with a door to each of our rooms. We lived in a very old house. We had to share a phone line, and a we shared a bathroom. I just don't think my sister liked me. I don't think she liked sharing a phone line with me in school. My mother would make us wear matching clothes, like for photos, which my sister, I'm sure did not like at all. LoL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, some people are really vested in proving that I'm at fault.

And this is what perpetuates these family dynamics. I said that you're only getting my side of the story. I said I was genuinely sorry, and I apologized. I wanted to move forward.

There is almost never a "nothing" in these situations. There is something. Maybe accept that your sister sees the situation differently and could have been treated poorly when you were young but you didn't see it. My siblings are older than me - 10 and 12 years older - and it's only now that I have found out how much more of a burden they had when we growing up bc my dad died when I was young. It's not something I ever saw or understood when I was growing up but now that I am older and how it was for them has come out in bits and pieces I realize that I can understand why they would accuse me of being selfish, etc. I was but it was due to my young age and ignorance of adult issues. Now that they are older, they too understand this.

So, both of us had to accept that our perception and recollection of the events in our early years are vastly different but both were valid.

My older sister was not treated poorly. She was given whatever she wanted. A new bike. An 8th grade graduation party. A new car. A sweet 16 party. A high school graduation party. The wedding. She married my BIL at 30. We each even had our own rooms, with just a connecting hallway, with a door to each of our rooms. We lived in a very old house. We had to share a phone line, and a we shared a bathroom. I just don't think my sister liked me. I don't think she liked sharing a phone line with me in school. My mother would make us wear matching clothes, like for photos, which my sister, I'm sure did not like at all. LoL.

I think you are totally right. Your sister did not like you and is not about to change her mind now. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has gone off the rails.

Well it’s certainty not providing the chorus of validation that OP was hoping for.

I don't need validation from random strangers posting on an internet.

I also most likely won't go to therapy. I went to a grief counselor when my mother died.

There were a few people who actually read my post, and they provided helpful insight and feedback.

Until this post and discussion, I really hadn't thought much about how my sister was born with a disability and wore the corrective leg braces and used crutches. There's a photo of me as a baby, with my parents, and my sister is sitting there with this look of total despair on her face. Her legs are fine at this point, but my parents probably thought that a four year age difference between us would be enough for her to be able to adjust to having a younger sibling, after being the first grand child in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's been 10 years since you last spoke with your sister how are there so many issues you're still complaining about. The dog? She didn't ask you to do something about it? Then every time you apologize she finds something new? But you haven't spoken in 10 years how many times is all this really happening?

She visited me in Arlington, VA ten years ago. That was the last time we spoke. All she had to do was actually communicate with me that my dog was bothering her. I would have asked a neighbor to watch him, or I would have left him at a sitter. That is the last time we spoke.

I've given up. I'm not doing this anymore.

Well that was quick. Just a few minutes ago you were genuinely heart broken. Glad you picked yourself up and are moving on.

Lol, this. I call troll on OP.

Naah, I think OP is genuinely a 13-year-old in a 50-something's body who is looking for internet strangers to validate her beef with her older sister who is clearly tired of OP's shenanigans. Otherwise OP wouldn't self-tell in so many ways.

Also interesting is how OP casually mentioned her sister was born disabled and used leg braces. Just glossed right on over that. Perhaps there's more going on in older sister's life that OP fails to acknowledge. Maybe life has always been that much harder for older sister who may have legitimate beef with perfect younger sister.

To be fair, OP did imply the leg braces were a way of getting attention for older sister. Not that she was faking a disability, but that the toddler was capitalizing on it. And then when she’s four, all of a sudden OP is born, braces come off, and there’s a bitter preschooler waiting to spend the rest of her life taking her irritation at the loss of attention out on OP.

Yes I’m sure the parents were complicit in getting fake leg braces for a disabled toddler. Op is deranged if this is how she thinks it went down.

You are deranged if this is your takeaway from OP’s description of the situation.

The amount of projection going on in these comments is fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's been 10 years since you last spoke with your sister how are there so many issues you're still complaining about. The dog? She didn't ask you to do something about it? Then every time you apologize she finds something new? But you haven't spoken in 10 years how many times is all this really happening?

She visited me in Arlington, VA ten years ago. That was the last time we spoke. All she had to do was actually communicate with me that my dog was bothering her. I would have asked a neighbor to watch him, or I would have left him at a sitter. That is the last time we spoke.

I've given up. I'm not doing this anymore.

Well that was quick. Just a few minutes ago you were genuinely heart broken. Glad you picked yourself up and are moving on.

Lol, this. I call troll on OP.

Naah, I think OP is genuinely a 13-year-old in a 50-something's body who is looking for internet strangers to validate her beef with her older sister who is clearly tired of OP's shenanigans. Otherwise OP wouldn't self-tell in so many ways.

Also interesting is how OP casually mentioned her sister was born disabled and used leg braces. Just glossed right on over that. Perhaps there's more going on in older sister's life that OP fails to acknowledge. Maybe life has always been that much harder for older sister who may have legitimate beef with perfect younger sister.

To be fair, OP did imply the leg braces were a way of getting attention for older sister. Not that she was faking a disability, but that the toddler was capitalizing on it. And then when she’s four, all of a sudden OP is born, braces come off, and there’s a bitter preschooler waiting to spend the rest of her life taking her irritation at the loss of attention out on OP.

Yes I’m sure the parents were complicit in getting fake leg braces for a disabled toddler. Op is deranged if this is how she thinks it went down.

You are deranged if this is your takeaway from OP’s description of the situation.

The amount of projection going on in these comments is fascinating.

You're ridiculous if you haven't figured out OP is a troll yet. What's fascinating is how that completely escaped you.