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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - its a tough situation. My only caution is that it seems like you are frustrated she can't help out these upcoming weekends, and that frustration is leaking into things like her other work has slipped. Make sure you are not starting a conversation that could end in a break/rematch without careful consideration, and take a pause before doing so. You may decide its not worth it.

Try to find some local mountain babysitters or an older teen neighborhood babysitter who would like to join you in the mountains!

I actually wanted to do a reset before the holidays, but decided to see if she stepped up a bit after a long break. I asked her to do a few small kid-related tasks, sorting socks and tidying up books etc in kids rooms. She did some of it but not a thorough job on either. This week her friend is “hanging out” and ap has disappeared a few times when she’s supposed to be working, and comes back 20-30 mins later with no explanation other than “I went to my room”. My house is so much messier than it was with prior au pairs because she either doesn’t make the kids tidy up or she doesn’t do it, despite my making it very clear that it is her job. She will do things like leave any breakfast dishes she think might possibly have been used by me or dh in the sink, but wash the others (despite the fact that dh and I only drink coffee or tea in the mornings at home, and almost always put our own cups in the dishwasher). I’ve spoken about it with her before but it’s starting to get draining. This all happened before the weekend conversation, and I didn’t press them because the kids were around and I’d prefer to talk with her solo.

Also, dh is going to be away for 3 weeks next month and even knowing that she told me she “must” take a long weekend class on the first weekend he is away, meaning she won’t be able to go to the country with us the first week in February either...

Oof, that’s a lot. Get in front of this before it gets any worse. Resentment rots quickly.

[Anonymous]

She is working weekdays, not weekends. If you want weekends, you need to tell her the schedule is changing and she will need to work weekends and give her the time off weekends. Why do you need her when you are going skiing? She works every evening and deserves some time off to be with her friends. Are you even offering to fully pay for it and get her her own room?

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I’m going to try to talk with her tomorrow, after her friend leaves. That is, if she agrees to stay home after bedtime, since many nights she goes out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - its a tough situation. My only caution is that it seems like you are frustrated she can't help out these upcoming weekends, and that frustration is leaking into things like her other work has slipped. Make sure you are not starting a conversation that could end in a break/rematch without careful consideration, and take a pause before doing so. You may decide its not worth it.

Try to find some local mountain babysitters or an older teen neighborhood babysitter who would like to join you in the mountains!

I actually wanted to do a reset before the holidays, but decided to see if she stepped up a bit after a long break. I asked her to do a few small kid-related tasks, sorting socks and tidying up books etc in kids rooms. She did some of it but not a thorough job on either. This week her friend is “hanging out” and ap has disappeared a few times when she’s supposed to be working, and comes back 20-30 mins later with no explanation other than “I went to my room”. My house is so much messier than it was with prior au pairs because she either doesn’t make the kids tidy up or she doesn’t do it, despite my making it very clear that it is her job. She will do things like leave any breakfast dishes she think might possibly have been used by me or dh in the sink, but wash the others (despite the fact that dh and I only drink coffee or tea in the mornings at home, and almost always put our own cups in the dishwasher). I’ve spoken about it with her before but it’s starting to get draining. This all happened before the weekend conversation, and I didn’t press them because the kids were around and I’d prefer to talk with her solo.

Also, dh is going to be away for 3 weeks next month and even knowing that she told me she “must” take a long weekend class on the first weekend he is away, meaning she won’t be able to go to the country with us the first week in February either...

You need to hire a nanny for those three weeks. If she doesn't normally work weekends and now you are asking weekdays every weekday and weekends you are not reasonable. She is doing the primary care all week. You need to hire a babysitter for weekday and tell her she's working weekends and be prepared for her to quit or hire a babysitter weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I’m going to try to talk with her tomorrow, after her friend leaves. That is, if she agrees to stay home after bedtime, since many nights she goes out.

She works 1-2 mornings/days a week plus all night. When else does she go out except after your kids are asleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is working weekdays, not weekends. If you want weekends, you need to tell her the schedule is changing and she will need to work weekends and give her the time off weekends. Why do you need her when you are going skiing? She works every evening and deserves some time off to be with her friends. Are you even offering to fully pay for it and get her her own room?

We’ve done a mix of giving off a full weekday on the weekends we have her actually work on the weekend, or just having her come and she isn’t working but she chooses to be there. She has her own bedroom in our country house and we fully pay for the skiing. Our previous au pairs have all been skiers but she isn’t, which is something she wasn’t totally up front about when we matched (she said she likes to ski but then told us after she doesn’t really like it plus she gets cold very easily and has an undisclosed medical condition related to cold). We told her she doesn’t have to ski and she’s welcome to hang out at the house (we have a hot tubs & lots of activities), and invite a friend if she wants (who we would drive up with us...). The only thing we’d ever “need” her for is Saturday evening babysitting, which we can do without of course. It’s more that ski weekends are a big part of our family life and she’s completely missing out on them.

She knew she was working until 8-8:30 every evening before matching. She still goes out many nights after (most ap’s in our area work until around then it seems), and she rarely works mornings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I’m going to try to talk with her tomorrow, after her friend leaves. That is, if she agrees to stay home after bedtime, since many nights she goes out.

She works 1-2 mornings/days a week plus all night. When else does she go out except after your kids are asleep.

Huh? She works 1-2 mornings for 1 hour (and many weeks she doesn’t even work those, it just depends on the week. I wrote the outside maximum). Many evenings she also finishes earlier, it depends on when dh and I get home. She goes out a ton.

[Anonymous]

I think you are unreasonable to ultimately ask her to give up 3 days of free time to do as she pleases so she can come with you to the mountain every month (I assume you leave friday evening and go back on Sunday, meaning she can't really do anything she would want to do friday evening, saturday or sunday) when you can only make her work 10 hours.

Even if you still have time left to schedule her for, you are asking for more than is reasonable because even if she has all day off saturday/sunday, she won't be able to do anything she could want to do. Most 20 yo want to go clubbing and hang out with their friends, not relax in the mountains or middle of nowhere with kids.


Regarding your husband being gone for 3 weeks, you can only schedule her for an extra 10 hours each week and still need to give her a day and half off so I am not sure what increase you meant to add to her schedule that would make her presence on that weekend suddenly paramount?

I think it would be easier for you to schedule a date night during the week and let her have her weekends and for you to enjoy your country house as family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is working weekdays, not weekends. If you want weekends, you need to tell her the schedule is changing and she will need to work weekends and give her the time off weekends. Why do you need her when you are going skiing? She works every evening and deserves some time off to be with her friends. Are you even offering to fully pay for it and get her her own room?

We’ve done a mix of giving off a full weekday on the weekends we have her actually work on the weekend, or just having her come and she isn’t working but she chooses to be there. She has her own bedroom in our country house and we fully pay for the skiing. Our previous au pairs have all been skiers but she isn’t, which is something she wasn’t totally up front about when we matched (she said she likes to ski but then told us after she doesn’t really like it plus she gets cold very easily and has an undisclosed medical condition related to cold). We told her she doesn’t have to ski and she’s welcome to hang out at the house (we have a hot tubs & lots of activities), and invite a friend if she wants (who we would drive up with us...). The only thing we’d ever “need” her for is Saturday evening babysitting, which we can do without of course. It’s more that ski weekends are a big part of our family life and she’s completely missing out on them.

She knew she was working until 8-8:30 every evening before matching. She still goes out many nights after (most ap’s in our area work until around then it seems), and she rarely works mornings.

Maybe she doesn't like the mixing of hours. You really need to sit down with her and talk to her about her schedule. There is no reason she shouldn't go out at 8 PM as an adult. Its a bit absurd to make her give up her weekend so you can have a date night for a few hours. She tried skiing. She doesn't like it. That's ok. Its not much fun hanging out alone or being in a house where there is no car in the middle of no where. Hire a local sitter for your date night and be more reasonable. You don't sound reasonable at all. You expect her to completely cater to your wishes and likes and don't seem to be concerned about her wishes and likes. You like skiing. They are a part of your family. She is your child care provider. Its nice you include her but she does not like skiing. She also doesn't like the cold. That is ok. Weekends should be your family time. The kids are in school all day, she cares for them until bed so weekends are your only time with the kids. You can do a date night during the week after work since she works every evening.

[Anonymous]

Are the weekends part of her weekly hours? So you’re going to be deducting 24hrs from her hours?

[Anonymous]

You’re unreasonable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are wrong about one thing here, you can't force her to come to your weekend home just to come help on Sunday nights (or other hours). She doesn't get to spend her time off as she pleases if she's there, you have to understand that as well.
You enjoy your weekend home but would you if you were a 20 yo Au Pair?
What can't you handle by yourself on a Sunday night that would absolutely require her help?

You should have a reset conversation about her if she does the bare minimum and address what she can do better but you have to be respectful of her time off.

I'd find a way to ask her to come once in a while and really help you on these weekends so you and your husband can enjoy some down time.
You were super nice to have her family over and she should accept to give back as well. But she can't be forced.

She's the kind of Au Pair who apparently doesn't want to spend time with your family.
That's sad.
I am a former Au Pair and my host family never included me in anything, they were not interested in that part of the programme, I was just there "to work". I had to accept it and move on.

I am not forcing her to spend her weekends off at our house - I would be scheduling her to work part of the weekends (likely
Saturday evening so dh and I can go out), since she can have other times off. Our previous au pairs loved going there because it is relaxing, and we also often let them invite friends up for the weekend. We specified before matching that we expect ap to come up some weekends. I don’t think I am being unreasonable to ask her to come up 1-2 weekends per month. But apparently she already has other plans. Do I make her come anyway?

1 weekend amp the maybe but two? No way! You sound terrible.

[Anonymous]

How can she have 1.5 data off if she’s stuck at your weekend house? Are you giving her off Monday and half of Tuesday to look after your own kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can she have 1.5 data off if she’s stuck at your weekend house? Are you giving her off Monday and half of Tuesday to look after your own kids?

It sounds like she wants her to sit in the house while they ski since she doesn't like skiing to be available for date night. She wouldn't get any time off. OP doesn't spend much time with her or his kids.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How can she have 1.5 data off if she’s stuck at your weekend house? Are you giving her off Monday and half of Tuesday to look after your own kids? [/quote]

It sounds like she wants her to sit in the house while they ski since she doesn't like skiing to be available for date night. She wouldn't get any time off. OP doesn't spend much time with her or his kids.[/quote]

Op here. I spend a ton of time with my kids. I’m with them every morning before school (ap only works when dh and I have to be working earlier than usual, as our youngest’s school doesn’t open before 9). I get up with them @6 and dh and I take them (or some of them) to school daily. I finish my work day at 3 most days so I can pick up one or more of them and take them to activities. Ap picks up the other one (or 2) and takes them to other activities. 3 days a week my eldest has an activity that ends late, meaning we don’t get home until almost 8, and once a week my middle has a late activity as well. I have occasional evening work for my job, and dh is a biglaw partner so he basically works all the time (except mornings before 9ish, again, unless he has a meeting). Our au pair works most weeks from 3-somewhere between 7-8:30, and sometimes up to 2 mornings a week. If the ap is working on the weekends we adjust the schedule so she has plenty of time off during the week.

I spend significant time with my kids and we also enjoy family time together on weekends. With our past 4 au pairs they have also enjoyed spending weekends with us, either skiing or in other seasons hiking, swimming, visiting the towns around our home, going to movies, shopping, etc. I’ve always considered that part of the “cultural exchange”, spending time as a family with our au pair. I think most reasonable people can handle a few weekends without clubbing with their friends, and if their goal is to experience life in America they should realize it is more than just hanging out with other 20-somethings. Now, I don’t think my ap thinks this and I think she’s just a bit wrapped up in a friend group and who knows, maybe next month she will want to come every weekend. If she wants to ski then we will buy her passes and rent her gear. If she wants to hang out in the cute town next to the mountain, totally fine. If she wants to invite a friend for the weekend and stay at our house sleeping and hanging out or whatever she wants, also fine. And if she really has no interest in going at all, i should know that, too. We spend about a month there, sometimes more, over the summer, during which time our au pair works a typical week, although usually a somewhat lighter schedule depending on if the kids are in camp, etc. We sometimes facilitate their return to the city for weekends, or they invite a friend for a few days, but it is part of the package that is our family and a potential ap learns that from our profile. Are there really no families here who take their ap’s on vacations and expect them to work? I know that is not true, and don’t really see how this is hugely different.

If we’ve ever had the need for extra hours we’ve hired another sitter to fill in. Now that our kids are all in full time school we don’t have another regular sitter, but if dh and I travel we always bring in extra help.