Reset conversation

[Anonymous]

Our au pair has been here since September. She’s adequate. My kids really like her but she needs some micromanaging and is really quiet/not very communicative. I have 3 kids ages 5, 7 & 10 and she generally works 3-8:30 m-f and 1-2 mornings/week, so total hours usually around 35 hours/week. We were extremely up front about our schedule being flexible and needing occasional later nights during the week and occasional weekend help, usually Sunday evenings. We have a second home where we go many weekends and ap can come if she wants, but she has only come up twice- once the first time we went when she was here (& my eldest’s bday weekend) and the second over thanksgiving.

It’s now ski season and we had talked with her before matching that we go skiing every weekend in Jan-March and we will want her to come sometimes. I just spoke with her about the weekends this month and her response was “I have something every weekend this month. Apparently all my friends have January birthdays”. I’m pretty shocked but now I think we need to have a reset conversation since she doesn’t seem to have any interest in spending family time and is phoning in a lot of the rest of her job.

She just had 2 weeks off and her family came to stay over Christmas because we traveled to see our family and she elected not to come. Her family stayed at our house. Then she had a friend come to stay last Thursday and she’s leaving tomorrow. She has a friend over most weekends - usually she checks with me first but not always - and basically does the bare minimum.

Advice on how to address these issues? She’s the most mediocre ap since our first, and though the kids like her I don’t really understand why. I’m not sure I want to deal with another 8 months of this.

[Anonymous]

You are wrong about one thing here, you can't force her to come to your weekend home just to come help on Sunday nights (or other hours). She doesn't get to spend her time off as she pleases if she's there, you have to understand that as well.
You enjoy your weekend home but would you if you were a 20 yo Au Pair?
What can't you handle by yourself on a Sunday night that would absolutely require her help?

You should have a reset conversation about her if she does the bare minimum and address what she can do better but you have to be respectful of her time off.

I'd find a way to ask her to come once in a while and really help you on these weekends so you and your husband can enjoy some down time.
You were super nice to have her family over and she should accept to give back as well. But she can't be forced.

She's the kind of Au Pair who apparently doesn't want to spend time with your family.
That's sad.
I am a former Au Pair and my host family never included me in anything, they were not interested in that part of the programme, I was just there "to work". I had to accept it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are wrong about one thing here, you can't force her to come to your weekend home just to come help on Sunday nights (or other hours). She doesn't get to spend her time off as she pleases if she's there, you have to understand that as well.
You enjoy your weekend home but would you if you were a 20 yo Au Pair?
What can't you handle by yourself on a Sunday night that would absolutely require her help?

You should have a reset conversation about her if she does the bare minimum and address what she can do better but you have to be respectful of her time off.

I'd find a way to ask her to come once in a while and really help you on these weekends so you and your husband can enjoy some down time.
You were super nice to have her family over and she should accept to give back as well. But she can't be forced.

She's the kind of Au Pair who apparently doesn't want to spend time with your family.
That's sad.
I am a former Au Pair and my host family never included me in anything, they were not interested in that part of the programme, I was just there "to work". I had to accept it and move on.

I am not forcing her to spend her weekends off at our house - I would be scheduling her to work part of the weekends (likely
Saturday evening so dh and I can go out), since she can have other times off. Our previous au pairs loved going there because it is relaxing, and we also often let them invite friends up for the weekend. We specified before matching that we expect ap to come up some weekends. I don’t think I am being unreasonable to ask her to come up 1-2 weekends per month. But apparently she already has other plans. Do I make her come anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are wrong about one thing here, you can't force her to come to your weekend home just to come help on Sunday nights (or other hours). She doesn't get to spend her time off as she pleases if she's there, you have to understand that as well.
You enjoy your weekend home but would you if you were a 20 yo Au Pair?
What can't you handle by yourself on a Sunday night that would absolutely require her help?

You should have a reset conversation about her if she does the bare minimum and address what she can do better but you have to be respectful of her time off.

I'd find a way to ask her to come once in a while and really help you on these weekends so you and your husband can enjoy some down time.
You were super nice to have her family over and she should accept to give back as well. But she can't be forced.

She's the kind of Au Pair who apparently doesn't want to spend time with your family.
That's sad.
I am a former Au Pair and my host family never included me in anything, they were not interested in that part of the programme, I was just there "to work". I had to accept it and move on.

I am not forcing her to spend her weekends off at our house - I would be scheduling her to work part of the weekends (likely
Saturday evening so dh and I can go out), since she can have other times off. Our previous au pairs loved going there because it is relaxing, and we also often let them invite friends up for the weekend. We specified before matching that we expect ap to come up some weekends. I don’t think I am being unreasonable to ask her to come up 1-2 weekends per month. But apparently she already has other plans. Do I make her come anyway?

I would start with a reset conversation -- tell her how much the kids love her, how great she is -- really try to start off on a good foot. But point out any emails/handbooks where you state that weekends are part of the job and that she has to tell you before inviting people over. To be nice, ask her to pick two weekends she can work this month and which are really important for her to be off. In the future, use a google calendar or calendar at home to block out months ahead which weekends you expect her to be "on".
All that said, you can force her to work but can't force her to spend time with your family. Some APs (and we had one) just aren't capable or don't want that connection. But if you have to "force" her to do either, maybe she's not a good AP and should go into rematch or go home.

[Anonymous]

She can't spend her time off as she pleases because she's stuck at your weekend home. She's not in DC (or any other place you live in) with her friends.

[Anonymous]

I understand why you’re frustrated but it sounds like you’re expecting her to volunteer or make herself available without you having to actually communicate and schedule. I can really relate to that because I also do that with au pairs—part of why I am in the program is they tend to be flexible and easygoing. But instead of a “reset” convo it sounds like what you need to do it ramp up scheduling communication.

You say she does the “bare minimum.” Well, there’s really nothing wrong with that. It’s your job as an employer to set and communicate what the minimum is.

[Anonymous]

We have the weekend house dilemma too - I know, its a nice problem to have! It has worked for us to have the AP up there with us often - she likes it.

I tell her a few weeks in advance when I want her to work on a weekend up in the mountains - this usually means just a Saturday night babysit. I also limit my requests to once a month - two in an extraordinary month. Otherwise, I give her the option to come with us and sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't.

Another idea that has worked is to take two cars up there, and allow her to drive herself back after her work time is done - we have done this on a long weekend when we ask her to come up Friday, work Saturday and send her on her way (if she so chooses) in the second car Sunday morning.

If you are with CCAP she will be aware of the 1.5 days off rule... she could use that against you if you push too hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have the weekend house dilemma too - I know, its a nice problem to have! It has worked for us to have the AP up there with us often - she likes it.

I tell her a few weeks in advance when I want her to work on a weekend up in the mountains - this usually means just a Saturday night babysit. I also limit my requests to once a month - two in an extraordinary month. Otherwise, I give her the option to come with us and sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't.

Another idea that has worked is to take two cars up there, and allow her to drive herself back after her work time is done - we have done this on a long weekend when we ask her to come up Friday, work Saturday and send her on her way (if she so chooses) in the second car Sunday morning.

If you are with CCAP she will be aware of the 1.5 days off rule... she could use that against you if you push too hard.

Well, we only have one car. With previous au pairs I’ve sometimes dropped them at the train so they can take it back to do something with friends but that’s only been when we’ve been up there for a longer time.

I thought by discussing the rest of the weekends this month it would be considered “in advance” enough. I am going to have a chat with her since a lot of her child-related duties like tidying up and laundry have slipped a lot (and she had 2 extra weeks of vacation).

[Anonymous]

I think there are two things going on here, OP.
(1) You were hoping for a more intimate relationship, than what your OP is interested in. I do not think there is much you can do about that.
(2) You want your AP to work certain weekends, but she tells you that she is unavailable.

The latter is a bit harder to navigate, because it involves traveling the entire weekend and you only have 10 hours of childcare left. I can see your point of view, but I can also see the AP's point of view. Maybe you can find a happy median. Technically, I do not believe you cannot force her to go skiing with you every weekend, but maybe she could come once a month. So, rather than thinking about it as a reset conversation, you may want to approach it as a mediation.

[Anonymous]

OP - its a tough situation. My only caution is that it seems like you are frustrated she can't help out these upcoming weekends, and that frustration is leaking into things like her other work has slipped. Make sure you are not starting a conversation that could end in a break/rematch without careful consideration, and take a pause before doing so. You may decide its not worth it.

Try to find some local mountain babysitters or an older teen neighborhood babysitter who would like to join you in the mountains!

[Anonymous]

I'd set your expectations again that she will come at least one weekend a month and sit down and agree to what weekend that will be in February NOW so she has plenty of notice.

[Anonymous]

You really shouldn’t tie her extra vacation to... well, anything. She can’t make it up, and you can’t expect her to do anything extra has a result. Also since you didn’t schedule her for work over it, she probably isn’t viewing it the way you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - its a tough situation. My only caution is that it seems like you are frustrated she can't help out these upcoming weekends, and that frustration is leaking into things like her other work has slipped. Make sure you are not starting a conversation that could end in a break/rematch without careful consideration, and take a pause before doing so. You may decide its not worth it.

Try to find some local mountain babysitters or an older teen neighborhood babysitter who would like to join you in the mountains!

I actually wanted to do a reset before the holidays, but decided to see if she stepped up a bit after a long break. I asked her to do a few small kid-related tasks, sorting socks and tidying up books etc in kids rooms. She did some of it but not a thorough job on either. This week her friend is “hanging out” and ap has disappeared a few times when she’s supposed to be working, and comes back 20-30 mins later with no explanation other than “I went to my room”. My house is so much messier than it was with prior au pairs because she either doesn’t make the kids tidy up or she doesn’t do it, despite my making it very clear that it is her job. She will do things like leave any breakfast dishes she think might possibly have been used by me or dh in the sink, but wash the others (despite the fact that dh and I only drink coffee or tea in the mornings at home, and almost always put our own cups in the dishwasher). I’ve spoken about it with her before but it’s starting to get draining. This all happened before the weekend conversation, and I didn’t press them because the kids were around and I’d prefer to talk with her solo.

Also, dh is going to be away for 3 weeks next month and even knowing that she told me she “must” take a long weekend class on the first weekend he is away, meaning she won’t be able to go to the country with us the first week in February either...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really shouldn’t tie her extra vacation to... well, anything. She can’t make it up, and you can’t expect her to do anything extra has a result. Also since you didn’t schedule her for work over it, she probably isn’t viewing it the way you are.

I expected her to do a few small kid-related tasks, but otherwise it was 100% her choice to remain here and invite her family. Since she asked for her family to visit I couldn’t very well “make” her come with us over the holidays.

[Anonymous]

OP - per your 12:53 messsage, yes you should have a talk and maybe reiterate in detail your expectations - also maybe send in writing via email which you forward to the LCC for the record. I might not have that conversation at the same time you discuss the weekends - could get confusing. You've got a lot on your plate and need her help, but the weekends seem more like a "nice to have" so i would focus on the day to day needs.