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Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How can she have 1.5 data off if she’s stuck at your weekend house? Are you giving her off Monday and half of Tuesday to look after your own kids? [/quote]
It sounds like she wants her to sit in the house while they ski since she doesn't like skiing to be available for date night. She wouldn't get any time off. OP doesn't spend much time with her or his kids.[/quote] Op here. I spend a ton of time with my kids. I’m with them every morning before school (ap only works when dh and I have to be working earlier than usual, as our youngest’s school doesn’t open before 9). I get up with them @6 and dh and I take them (or some of them) to school daily. I finish my work day at 3 most days so I can pick up one or more of them and take them to activities. Ap picks up the other one (or 2) and takes them to other activities. 3 days a week my eldest has an activity that ends late, meaning we don’t get home until almost 8, and once a week my middle has a late activity as well. I have occasional evening work for my job, and dh is a biglaw partner so he basically works all the time (except mornings before 9ish, again, unless he has a meeting). Our au pair works most weeks from 3-somewhere between 7-8:30, and sometimes up to 2 mornings a week. If the ap is working on the weekends we adjust the schedule so she has plenty of time off during the week. I spend significant time with my kids and we also enjoy family time together on weekends. With our past 4 au pairs they have also enjoyed spending weekends with us, either skiing or in other seasons hiking, swimming, visiting the towns around our home, going to movies, shopping, etc. I’ve always considered that part of the “cultural exchange”, spending time as a family with our au pair. I think most reasonable people can handle a few weekends without clubbing with their friends, and if their goal is to experience life in America they should realize it is more than just hanging out with other 20-somethings. Now, I don’t think my ap thinks this and I think she’s just a bit wrapped up in a friend group and who knows, maybe next month she will want to come every weekend. If she wants to ski then we will buy her passes and rent her gear. If she wants to hang out in the cute town next to the mountain, totally fine. If she wants to invite a friend for the weekend and stay at our house sleeping and hanging out or whatever she wants, also fine. And if she really has no interest in going at all, i should know that, too. We spend about a month there, sometimes more, over the summer, during which time our au pair works a typical week, although usually a somewhat lighter schedule depending on if the kids are in camp, etc. We sometimes facilitate their return to the city for weekends, or they invite a friend for a few days, but it is part of the package that is our family and a potential ap learns that from our profile. Are there really no families here who take their ap’s on vacations and expect them to work? I know that is not true, and don’t really see how this is hugely different. If we’ve ever had the need for extra hours we’ve hired another sitter to fill in. Now that our kids are all in full time school we don’t have another regular sitter, but if dh and I travel we always bring in extra help. [/quote] Plenty of host families bring their APs on family holidays because they need her to work, it doesn't mean AP likes it. So yes you can technically force your AP to come to the mountain with you and have her resent you for it but why would you if you know she would hate every second of it an only need her to work for one evening? I have personally Au Paired for several host families and have been on holidays plenty of times, from experience now, if asked if I want to come I would say no. Yes, on paper it's very nice to get a free trip somewhere (and I appreciate it for what it is) BUT ultimately holidaying with a host family is NOT the same as holidaying with my own family or even just holidaying the way I would want to. After staying with you once, what American experience do you think she would get from going back repeatedly that she hasn't already had? She already spend time with your family, she spends time with your kids every day and while I don't mind spending time with my host family outside my working hours as they are lovely I think hf who resent APs for not spending their free time with them are being hypocritical. If you could pick spending your weekend with your boss vs your friends/family you would pick your friends (I assume) resenting an AP for doing the same is unfair. As lovely as your ski house seem to be and how flexible you seem to be with what she does there. I am not much of a skier myself and while I would go if my hf needed me, I would seriously be bored out of my mind staying home all day or exploring small towns (as lovely as they can be). I am a city girl by nature (and I assume that's also why your AP picked DC vs a small town) and I spend my weekends going to events etc... I appreciate the beauty of small towns but I don't find them fun, and I would definitely resent having to spend my free time in a place I don't want to be when I could be with my friends doing something I want to do. Remember that your Au Pair is only here for 12 months and that she is just trying to make the most of it, in ways that are pleasant to her. It's not a dig at your family, she just has different tastes and priorities. That being said she shouldn't blatantly refuse to work but also if you really only need her Saturday nights maybe hire a local baby sitter for 2 hours or so instead of purposefully souring your relationship with this AP by forcing her to spend time in a place she doesn't want to. Pick your battles OP (and I don't think this one is one worth fighting for). |
Anonymous
| There’s a BIG difference between taking an AP on holiday and what you are expecting. So AP needs to give up fri, sat , sun on your whim? A month in the summer isn’t enough? When exactly is the cultural exchange happening where she gets to do HER OWN VERSION OF AMERICA. Yippie for you that you love your second home. Clearly ap doesn’t. |
Anonymous
| You want to ruin her weekend from fri-sun for sat night babysitting. That’s pretty selfish. How do you not see that? Are you this selfish in all areas of your life? |
Anonymous
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She shouldn't clean up after you and put your coffee mug in the dishwasher. That's why she doesn't do it !
This clearly shows the kind of person you are and I'm not surprised things are going downhill here. |
Anonymous
| Wow, a lot of touchy au pairs or sanctiommies here. Op, I think it is fair to ask your ap to come to your weekend home once a month or so, particularly since it was outlined that it is your lifestyle before matching. It is also totally reasonable to expect an adult to put a coffee cup into the dishwasher if they live in your home and you put away their cup should you be the one cleaning up the dishes. Leaving random things because she thinks they “might” not have been used by children is the height of petty. I expect op has cleaned up ap’s dishes plenty of times as well. |
Anonymous
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OP I think your problem is that you got the wrong au pair. Rematch with someone who likes skying and this problem will be resolved.
I understand both sides of the issue. She is not interested in Skying and doesn't want to be stuck the whole weekend and you have an AP because you need help and sometimes when you are traveling. Again the problem is she lied she likes skying. Get an AP who likes skying and she might come with you twice a month but don't expect her to come every weekend either. If you don't want to rematch, reduce your expectation to once/month and communicate to her and ask her to choose a weekend for the upcoming months. |
Anonymous
So when would her 1.5 days off be? |
Anonymous
Each of those is a separate thing. Going on the weekend trips is one thing. You need to pay for her to come out and be there at the time you want, then pay for her to go back. Not doing kid laundry is her chore. Tackle it as an expectation, set aside tome in the week for it. Not having kids clean up is partly on her, partly on you. Have a family sit down and communicate to everyone that they need to clean up after themselves. If your kids aren’t in school yet, she should be helping, but if they’re school age, they should be picking up after themselves. She is entitled to two vacation weeks per year. You allowed her to take them, so now they’re out of the way. Her vacation doesn’t have a thing to do with anything else. |
Anonymous
You know she has to do classes. When did she sign up for this one? |
Anonymous
Wait, she had chores during the two weeks? If so, reframe it in her mind. It was NOT vacation, you don’t get to count it like it was. |
Anonymous
She had 2 small tasks and I never said we counted it as vacation - I said she got EXTRA Time off. What I asked her to do might have taken 2 hours total during the whole 2 weeks. |
Anonymous
Doesn’t matter, it’s still chores to be done. How well she did them doesn’t matter either, unless you were very specific about how you wanted them done. |
Anonymous
I was specific. And she didn’t do them all. And I never said I was counting it as vacation. Sheesh! |
Anonymous
You did call it vacation/off. It wasn’t, you asked her to work. |
Anonymous
| It was absolutely time off. Asking an au pair to do 2 hours of “work” over 2 weeks is not the same as asking her to work every day for 45 hours a week. BS. |