Anonymous wrote:If it's at a more traditional, but not religious school. How short can her dress be? Jeans are a no, right? She's applying for 10th grade.

This is straightforward: She should wear clothing consistent with that of the girls in ninth grade at the school. If the school has a dress code, it is likely posted on their Web site, perhaps in a downloadable community handbook. If there are uniforms, she should wear something that matches their formality (such as for skirt length, for example). There's no need to try to match the uniform; that will seem a little "tryhard." However, I don't think it's a good idea to push the limits of a school's dress code before enrolling. After that, all bets are off!

Good luck!
Peter
_____________________

Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's easy to be uninformed, personal, or simply mean-spirited if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools, and I have counseled hundreds of students in finding their next schools. I hope I can be helpful to some folks. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students and parents ahead of you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> arcpd <dot> com

Anonymous wrote:I am worried my Child's will be bad...

Are you worried for a specific reason? I wouldn't let a "bad" teacher recommendation leave our school, since every child deserves to be presented in his or her best light. I'd always work with teachers to be sure we achieved that, and I'd be surprised if others who coordinate this process look at it very differently. Remember, it's to your current school's advantage for your child to be accepted everywhere — they're on your side!

Peter

Anonymous wrote:I am concerned that my dc's teacher recommendations were received by the schools after the due date. If I submitted the application on time, will this be counted against dc?

Almost every school's deadline for supporting materials is later than applicants' deadlines, and, yes, schools know that late recommendations are not within an applicant's control. In general (I stress that it's in general), as long as everything is received by January 31 it's copacetic.

Good luck!
Peter
_____________________

Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's easy to be uninformed, personal, or simply mean-spirited if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools, and I have counseled hundreds of students in finding their next schools. I hope I can be helpful to some folks. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students ahead of you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> arcpd <dot> com

Anonymous wrote: I think there of been some very nice and thoughtful responses already, so I just wanted to chime in to add one thing - remember that you may be rejected/wait listed even if the admissions team absolutely loves your child. While it's hard to take any perceived criticism or rejection of your child, keep in mind that the admissions team has a lot of factors unrelated to awesomeness to balance. There are going to be kids with preference because of siblings or parents who work at the school, and there also needs to be a balance of ages, sexes, races and personalities in a class.

One of my children is in a class where there isn't one single kid of his/her sex that wasn't a priority applicant. Some years just stink like that.

+1

I can't tell you how many times schools decline to offer spots to an applicant for reasons that have nothing to do with him or her particularly, or that kids I worked with were not offered spots for reasons beyond their control and the school's disclosure to the families. I've had sixth-graders apply to schools, only to be told that the schools had more siblings applying that year than they had open spots in the rising seventh grade. It's not necessarily about your child — and if it is, it doesn't hurt to ask whether he/she/you might have done something to change the outcome. It can seem awfully random, and it can be a learning experience, too.

Thanks for the reminder, PP.
Peter

Anonymous wrote:I'm in search of ideas of how to handle the disappointment of rejections that might come on March 3, 2017.

(We applied to a few stretch schools and 1 "safety" school.)

In the simplest terms, I encourage you to think about what kind of person you want your child to be, with what kinds of values. And ask whether the school he or she attends — if it happens not to be among your top choices — will inhibit the development of those values and that person.

As somebody who has spent his career working in independent schools, I would say: If the answer to that last question is yes, I wonder if you might be relying too heavily on the school to instill those values and shape that person. You have much more influence than you think you do. If the answer is no, well, there you have the answer to your original question, yes?

Your child will be awesome if he or she has loving parents who encourage their children to find their passions and foster them, to learn from their mistakes, to treat others well. A particular school may provide particular opportunities, but not nearly so many as a child's family will. It's great to attend a favorite school, but your values will be intact no matter what schools decide. In fact, you could make an argument that those values will be tested and strengthened more by rejections than acceptances. But I know better than to make that argument.

Best of luck!
Peter

_____________________

Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's easy to be uninformed, personal, or simply mean-spirited if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools, and I hope I can be helpful to some folks. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students ahead of you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> arcpd <dot> com

With apologies for repeating myself, this catalog of behaviors is cause for concern.

Reasonable people can disagree, and capable MDs do not necessarily have any special expertise in teenage behavior. In this case I disagree emphatically that this is "typical teen" behavior.

Intuniv (generic: guanfacine) is generally indicated by AD/HD, not anxiety, according to my experience with kids who take it and according to its manufacturer. I am not a therapist or medical doctor and cannot give advice about prescriptions, but if this were my child I would seek a second qualified opinion about whether that medication is 1) indicated and 2) a sufficient intervention in light of the behaviors you list. What you describe does not square with my school-based experience with the common presentations of teenage anxiety.

I urge you to consult a psychologist about a psychological evaluation — specifically a behavioral assessment. I agree with a former poster that a male is desirable. It sounds like you live in DC, where I know fewer therapists, but based on your description I would unhesitatingly recommend Dan Wojnilower in Bethesda. Dan is on Democracy Blvd. near Montgomery Mall: 301 530-5100. I don't doubt that there are many other able therapists; Dan's one of the best of those with whom I've worked in challenging behavioral situations with boys.

There are good signs in your son and that's promising. A good therapist can help you play to those and will have many ideas beyond those that might occur to a parent. But this board is not the place for the advice you need — from me or anybody else. Please ... see a qualified professional.

Best wishes, and good thoughts for your family.
Peter

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thanks for the response. Unfortunately, he is more than a bit uninspired and argumentative.
He is disruptive, disrespectful, fails to listen to anything we say despite taking away nearly every privilege.

Yesterday is a good example. He was supposed to go to detention after school but he didn't go because he said yesterday was like a weekend because of no school.

He went home and after using up his allotted 30 minutes on the computer became bored and frustrated because he is locked out of the tv. He decided to unplug most of the tv's in the house from cable boxes, etc. He re-programmed the thermostats in the house. The a/c was on. He took my medicine for high blood pressure (shocking I know) and hid it. He re-set my ipad after too many failed password entries. He then made 5 bags of microwave popcorn.

And this was just yesterday.

That does sound like a miserable day. I'm sorry; it must be hard for you.

Notwithstanding the pronouncements above, I've spent 25 years working with adolescents and I'm totally unqualified to diagnose your child. However, the defiance, especially as it includes the potential danger involved in hiding your meds, is cause for concern. If you haven't checked in with a qualified and trusted therapist, I think it's worth doing so now. There are aspects of your son's behavior about which I'd want to know more if he were my child or student, and I'd want some professional input on whether suspending privileges is likely to be effective with your child. (At some point you can only take away so many things, y'know? It seems like you're aware of that.)

A colleague once said something that's stuck with me (and that I haven't always followed, because I'm a crappy parent, just like everybody): When you impose consequences for behavior, it's always better to think about the goal you're pursuing. It's easy in anger to send the message that you have the power, and dammit, you're going to use it. But that doesn't always help the child. The more a consequence can be designed to create incentives for better behavior, the more likely it is to change that behavior. Consequences are important, but they're only one tool to reinforce values and change behavior.

Not to put too fine a point on it: The behavior you described is outside the norm for a bored preadolescent. I would seek some professional guidance. To me the question of boarding school would be secondary.

Best of luck. This is not easy territory.
Peter

Anonymous wrote:My son is an average student. Great kid, athletic, nice, good behavior. Will he get lost at Deal? Is private school worth it for him ?

As you can see, people have all kind of ... opinions ... on the subject. I'd recommend visiting a couple of independent schools to see what they offer for yourself. Schools in MoCo also offer "shadowing" opportunities; maybe Deal does too. After you see a few schools, you can ask two easy questions:

1. Is an independent school likely to be "better" for my son, whatever "better" means to me?
2. Is it enough better that it's worth the cost, whatever that is for my family?

Almost every school is great for some kids and not great for others. I'd ask other parents what they like or don't like about any option. "He'll be a failure!" or "Smaller classes are always better!" or "It's the best school in DC!" are not terribly helpful — especially if the child himself is not figured into the equation. And there's no substitute for checking for yourself.

Peter
_____________________

Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's easy to be uninformed, personal, or simply mean-spirited if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools, and I hope I can be helpful to some folks. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students ahead of you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> arcpd <dot> com

Anonymous wrote:We are looking into sending our current 7th grader to boarding school. He is a B student who puts in no effort currently at school (MCPS) and has become increasingly difficult to deal with at home.
Anyway, looking for any help in getting started with research or recommendations. I'm lost as to even where to start other than google searches.

It's not uncommon for boys in middle school to become a bit ... uninspired. You might ask his teachers whether his attitude toward school is outside the norm for what they see.

It's also common for middle schoolers to become surly and argumentative. One of the primary tasks of adolescence is to declare, "I'm independent!" In many instances, the closer you are to your son, the harder he's going to have to push against you to become his own person. I don't have nearly enough information to suggest reasons he may not be performing well in school, but I would do your best on his attitude changes by trying to set clear boundaries and not to engage the worst confrontations with the "miniature attorney" (per Wendy Mogel's brilliant phrase). Depending on your child's temperament, there is probably nothing you (or he) can do to "fix" it — it's normal, what we used to call "a phase," so just ride it out. It usually resolves in (ugh) two to three years.

I don't know your motivations for the question about boarding school. I worked in a boarding school for five years and loved the experience, as did the kids I met there, some of whom have become good friends as they've become adults. However, I think it's important to consider it because you believe it's a good path, not as a "punishment" for normal, if objectionable, preadolescent behavior. Parents who use boarding school as a threat risk setting their children up for a miserable experience, and a sense that their parents are turning them out at the time they may need clear parenting most.

If you decide to go with it, I second the recommendation for Clare (no "i") Anderson. I've known her a long time and she's a total pro. She's on Old Georgetown in Bethesda.

Good luck!
Peter
_____________________

Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's easy to be uninformed, personal, or simply mean-spirited if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools, and I hope I can be helpful to some folks. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students ahead of you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> arcpd <dot> com

Anonymous wrote:

pbraverman wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any thoughts on what schools would take a boy with a 75th percentile overall on the SSAT, and grades of As and Bs.

Thank you. We may have aimed too high, and I'm belatedly wondering if I'm too late to apply to more schools.

I wish it were like college where you can see the range of what scores and grades the schools admit.

TIA

Like most standardized tests, the SSAT measures the ability to process logical and verbal information — presented visually — quickly. It is a good skill to have and usually correlates with how long it will take your son to complete academic tasks, such as homework (per the above, um, discussion). There are many other skills that contribute to success, both in school and afterwards, and those are also important to schools. That's the reason that test scores by themselves are only one factor in the process.

Test scores DO correlate roughly with offers of admission — in admission, higher is always better (higher scores, higher grades, higher income). I am only saying that test scores by themselves are not a great gauge; no school will take a student just because his scores are ten percentile points higher than those of another applicant.

That said, I am not familiar with any school in the DC area that will categorically reject an applicant because SSAT scores in the 75th percentile are not strong enough.

Peter
_____________________

Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's easy to be uninformed, personal, or simply mean-spirited if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools, and I hope I can be helpful to some folks. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students ahead of you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> arcpd <dot> com

I'm one of the PPs whose child scored in the 50's on the SSAT. My child does extremely well at school and is a very diligent learner. The math score is 89%, but the verbal was low enough and brought the total score down to the 50's. The test was only taken once and none of the sections were completed. I am certain the school work will not be a factor. If we thought the school would not be a good match we wouldn't have applied. I realize our chances are not good, but the shadow day/interview went very well and the grades are very good. We see this as a long shot.

It depends on the school. Good luck!
Peter

OP here. Thank you so much for your helpful on-the-record advice. I've read your posts on other threads too, and they always seems so sensible.

Thank you for the compliment. I will pass it along to my teenage children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

You see this clearly in Philadelphia where you have half a dozen Quaker schools to compare.

Sidwell and Sandy Springs are different places, and both are also quite different from Friends in Baltimore. Friends in Baltimore can compare neatly with several of the Philadelphia Quaker schools like Friends Central or Abingdon, but is different from Germantown and William Penn Charter, both for quite different reasons.

TIA.

Ha, I meant ITA (I totally agree).

Maybe you were having a TIA at the moment?

Anonymous wrote:Any thoughts on what schools would take a boy with a 75th percentile overall on the SSAT, and grades of As and Bs.

Thank you. We may have aimed too high, and I'm belatedly wondering if I'm too late to apply to more schools.

I wish it were like college where you can see the range of what scores and grades the schools admit.

TIA

Like most standardized tests, the SSAT measures the ability to process logical and verbal information — presented visually — quickly. It is a good skill to have and usually correlates with how long it will take your son to complete academic tasks, such as homework (per the above, um, discussion). There are many other skills that contribute to success, both in school and afterwards, and those are also important to schools. That's the reason that test scores by themselves are only one factor in the process.

Test scores DO correlate roughly with offers of admission — in admission, higher is always better (higher scores, higher grades, higher income). I am only saying that test scores by themselves are not a great gauge; no school will take a student just because his scores are ten percentile points higher than those of another applicant.

That said, I am not familiar with any school in the DC area that will categorically reject an applicant because SSAT scores in the 75th percentile are not strong enough.

Peter
_____________________

Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's easy to be uninformed, personal, or simply mean-spirited if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools, and I hope I can be helpful to some folks. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students ahead of you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> arcpd <dot> com

Anonymous wrote:My son is 10 and in the 4th grade. He is at a good public school, but recently has said that he hates school and has refused to go a few times (very dramatic crying etc. and called from the nurses office severla times). This has been doing on for 2-3 weeks. He has lots of friends, is bright and athletic, but does have ADHD and some anxiety (but we are usually the only ones who see it). It's really hard re: trying to go to work and having school refusal. He says he hates his teachers and school, but can't tell us much else. We are taking him to therapy and he was doing great until this recent school avoidance.

We are starting to consider private school b/c it may be more "safe" and better re: class size etc. If he has an above average IQ, ADHD and some anxiety, what schools would you suggest in Maryland? We live in the Bethesda area. He is very athletic and social, so in some ways it would be harder to leave the larger social options in public, but he may just need a smaller class size. What schools might accept a kid who has this profile? He doesn't have learning disabilities and no behavior issues, but he does have ADHD (medicated) and low grade anxiety.

Thanks for reading this and for any input. It is awful to see him so upset about school. We also cannot enable any avoidance, which of course exacerbates the anxiety.

We have also missed several deadlines to schools for next year....

There are a lot of opinions above that seem well intentioned. Some of them nonetheless offer quasi-diagnoses for which insufficient information is available and qualifications are not offered. (I presume none of those quasi-diagnoses come from somebody with qualifications, for the simple reason that a qualified professional would not offer a diagnosis under these circumstances.) The situation is hard for any parent and there are a thousand ideas — but what I think the OP needs is a strategy.

First, I agree that trying to understand the source of your son's anxiety is important. There are very good therapists in the area who specialize in anxiety. If the OP is happy with her (his? — I'm going to use female pronouns with apologies if that's not right) child's current clinician, stick with it. If not, and the OP wants to contact me offline (see below) I'd be happy to recommend a few who have worked with presentations of school anxiety effectively in my experience.

Second, it sounds like it might be important to have a formal diagnosis. The OP's statement that "we are usually the only ones who see" his AD/HD and anxiety, along with the affirmative statement that her son "does have ADHD ... and anxiety," makes me wonder about when it was diagnosed, what type of professional diagnosed it, who prescribed the meds, and how long ago those decisions were made. If the son is ahead of the pre-adolescence curve, or if the diagnoses are more than two or three years old, it may be time for an update, since changing body chemistry will almost certainly affect his neuro-psych profile.

Third, it's hard to predict whether smaller schools and class sizes will have much impact without visiting schools and evaluating those visits. An independent school environment may well help — or it may only obscure a challenge lurking below. In any case, admission offices will be very busy reading applications and later meeting in admission committees, but most will welcome visits in the early spring. There is no harm in contacting schools now, with the understanding that they may put you off for a few weeks.

Finally, don't be deterred by missed deadlines. Most schools in Montgomery County will have spaces available even after the March 1 notification date. Again, I'd be happy to help put together a list if the OP would find it helpful.

Hang in there, OP. School anxiety is among the issues that can flare as children enter puberty (again, I don't know if that's the case here but it wouldn't be surprising), and they usually resolve. With some clear ideas about how to proceed, it's likely your son will come through this just fine — though you're right that it may take some effort and deliberate steps on your part. He's lucky to have such a caring parent.

Peter
_____________________

Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's easy to be uninformed, personal, or simply mean-spirited if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools, and I hope I can be helpful to some folks. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students ahead of you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> arcpd <dot> com

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They champion their "candidates" to the board. If their candidates are chosen, its kudos. Also they get free or reduced fees (depending on the school) for their own children, who they get to see during the day and speak to.
And some of them like the process and some of them get a power kick.

You really need a whole range of folks from admissions to answer. Why not ask directly, if you're going t through the process?

I don't really agree with the quoted poster's formulation. First, I am not sure what the poster means by "board" -- these schools have admissions committees. Also, this is not like colleges where regional reps do champion candidates from their regions. The full-time admissions people read all the files (faculty sitting on the committee might read a smaller number of files) and therefore do not have some sort of vested interested in any particular candidates. At many day schools (as opposed to boarding schools), there is not full or partial tuition remission, either.

Most admissions people I know are friendly, enjoy the challenge/creativity of the marketing aspect, and like meeting the prospective students and their families. They like being in an educational environment, and some are interested in some day running a school (admissions/financial aid/enrollment is an area of importance for school heads and being an Admissions Director is seen as a significant stepping stone).

Every admissions person I know says that it can feel agonizing in committee when there are more qualified applicants than spots -- it's hard to make choices and know that kids/families will be disappointed. However, sometimes families are sure a school would be great for their child and the child herself/himself doesn't feel it, or it's clear it wouldn't be a good fit academically. Admissions people tend to be optimistic and have a pragmatic streak, and do not over-dramatize the idea that a rejection from their particular school will be a crushing blow. They know there are lots of schools in the area and the odds are that the student who got squeezed out of School X will be enthusiastically welcomed to School Y and have a great experience.

This is a nice, balanced perspective. The only difference I'd offer based on experience is that being an admission director is seldom a path to school head. (I say "seldom" because one of the most talented school heads I know did take that path — but of the scores of school heads I've known, I can think of only one other who did.)

Admission officers are almost always extroverts with very strong social/emotional intelligence, passionate about their schools, good at making people feel at ease. I have known some people who have left admission work because of the factors the OP cites (it can be hard having to turn down most "clients"), but people make their peace with all kinds of downsides in all kinds of jobs. It's easy to dump on anybody whose path is different from our own, and hardly a challenge to assume low motives in others, but I've enjoyed talking with every admission officer I've ever met. Each has been smart person doing, in most cases, a job that's tough in one way or another.

Peter

_____________________

Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's easy to be uninformed, personal, or simply mean-spirited if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools, and I hope I can be helpful to some folks. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students ahead of you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> arcpd <dot> com