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MD here, Bipolar disorder is a clinical diagnosis, meaning it is diagnosed by symptoms and behavior, not by imaging. It also, in my experience, can be something of a "bucket" diagnosis, meaning if it's at all unclear what the issue is, BPD sometimes is used as the diagnosis code and sometimes sticks.
What matters more than the label however, is how he is doing. And it sounds bad. If the meds aren't helping something needs to change. That may be his provider, his treatment, etc. Know that you are likely not getting the whole story and that SIL's concern about addiction issues may have merit; addiction and mental illness are often coexistent.
Hard to say what to do here. They're geographically far, they both seem in financial denial, and there's a kid involved. To the extent that you can reach your brother I'd work on helping him make a practical plan (diagnosis/med reassessment, 12 mo budget that involves moving or not, etc.). I would not bail him out financially. SIL may need to move in with her mom (who is nearby?) with kid for a while and let them both take a breath. Who knows if their initial arrangement was that he'd earn and she'd spend, but that plan clearly soured. They both need to contribute to their financial solvency, or call the marriage quits.
Good luck OP.
What matters more than the label however, is how he is doing. And it sounds bad. If the meds aren't helping something needs to change. That may be his provider, his treatment, etc. Know that you are likely not getting the whole story and that SIL's concern about addiction issues may have merit; addiction and mental illness are often coexistent.
Hard to say what to do here. They're geographically far, they both seem in financial denial, and there's a kid involved. To the extent that you can reach your brother I'd work on helping him make a practical plan (diagnosis/med reassessment, 12 mo budget that involves moving or not, etc.). I would not bail him out financially. SIL may need to move in with her mom (who is nearby?) with kid for a while and let them both take a breath. Who knows if their initial arrangement was that he'd earn and she'd spend, but that plan clearly soured. They both need to contribute to their financial solvency, or call the marriage quits.
Good luck OP.
I'm 5'2" and 120 lbs. In the pool last summer I was swimming with my DD on my back and she grabbed my tummy and said "Mmmm....squishy belly". I was mortified and also kind of lol'd. No I don't have a 6-pack. 
You're doing great OP. A 15 lb loss is a lot to be proud of, the most important part of which is that you're caring for yourself. Keep it up and hang in there!
You're doing great OP. A 15 lb loss is a lot to be proud of, the most important part of which is that you're caring for yourself. Keep it up and hang in there!
Ha, didn't mean to derail OP's post.
The "double" rule only matters if it matters. Meaning, if the focus is on alcohol consumption (someone looking for detox) or health issues related to alcohol (hypertension, high cholesterol, hepatitis, obesity, etc.), they yeah. I'm going to mentally double your reported intake. But for someone coming in for a cough or a wrist fracture? Or an annual health visit where all your numbers look good? Then whatever. 1 drink/night vs 2 doesn't raise eyebrows. As a PSA however, I do feel obligated to point out how sneaky alcohol consumption can be, and that current studies don't support the protective effect of alcohol (i.e. the daily glass of red wine) that some of us used to believe. Again, no judgement. I love a glass of wine. But I do think many of us (and lots of moms! See the "mommy needs wine" culture) operate under some degree of plausible deniability re: our drinking. Here's the Lancet study for those interested: https://www.thelancet.com/article/S0140-6736(18)31571-X/fulltext
The "double" rule only matters if it matters. Meaning, if the focus is on alcohol consumption (someone looking for detox) or health issues related to alcohol (hypertension, high cholesterol, hepatitis, obesity, etc.), they yeah. I'm going to mentally double your reported intake. But for someone coming in for a cough or a wrist fracture? Or an annual health visit where all your numbers look good? Then whatever. 1 drink/night vs 2 doesn't raise eyebrows. As a PSA however, I do feel obligated to point out how sneaky alcohol consumption can be, and that current studies don't support the protective effect of alcohol (i.e. the daily glass of red wine) that some of us used to believe. Again, no judgement. I love a glass of wine. But I do think many of us (and lots of moms! See the "mommy needs wine" culture) operate under some degree of plausible deniability re: our drinking. Here's the Lancet study for those interested: https://www.thelancet.com/article/S0140-6736(18)31571-X/fulltext
Hell no. You only know what she's telling you, and yes, she's minimizing her usage. In med school we're taught to ask about alcohol consumption, and then double what people tell us as their actual usage. Ten years out of residency it's a pretty spot-on rule. Similar principles apply to substances.
Look I'm not judging. Her house, her life, her kids. And I'm sorry to hear about your nephew. But this isn't a risk you can accurately assess for your own kids because you only have her self-assessment which is by nature, flawed.
Hang out with you there? Sure. Sleepovers with you not? Nope.
Look I'm not judging. Her house, her life, her kids. And I'm sorry to hear about your nephew. But this isn't a risk you can accurately assess for your own kids because you only have her self-assessment which is by nature, flawed.
Hang out with you there? Sure. Sleepovers with you not? Nope.
Anonymous wrote:Thanks for clarifying. This is a tough situation. Six months is way too soon to make a commitment, especially one that involves a major life change. The two of you are going to have to work it out.
OP here, agreed. Six mos is enough to know I want to see what we can become, but not enough to know what we are. Wish we had another year to just date and move slowly. Doesn't look like that's in the cards though.
I had DD as a single person, so her family is all of the grandparents/aunts/uncles/myself (that's why I didn't mention another parent in the post; it's just me. My family isn't local but visits frequently).
I'm a single mom of a 7 yo who has dated very little. When DD was 5 I dipped my toe in the water and have proceeded cautiously. Six mos ago I met someone special and things have gone well; a month ago I let him and DD interact in a group setting (had a dinner party with other guys/couples), and he's been out to dinner with DD and I once. He is divorced with 2 teen daughters who live in New England with their mom; he is here in DC on assignment with a fed agency, ostensibly permanently.
We spoke last night and he is interviewing for a job in Worcester, Mass. We're going to talk in more detail this weekend, but he gently probed in the conversation how I felt about relocating there.
I don't plan to, for a few big reasons, most notably we're just not at that stage in the relationship. And, I'd never move DD and I for a guy unless he was the one and marriage was imminent, which is not where we are at. Finally, because the job puts him closer to his teen DD's, I'd never discourage him from taking it.
We're going to talk in more detail this weekend, but I'm not sure how much more I have to add to the conversation. He'll either take this job or not, of his own accord, and for his own reasons. I feel really sad at the thought of losing him. This is just the way it goes sometimes, right?
We spoke last night and he is interviewing for a job in Worcester, Mass. We're going to talk in more detail this weekend, but he gently probed in the conversation how I felt about relocating there.
I don't plan to, for a few big reasons, most notably we're just not at that stage in the relationship. And, I'd never move DD and I for a guy unless he was the one and marriage was imminent, which is not where we are at. Finally, because the job puts him closer to his teen DD's, I'd never discourage him from taking it.
We're going to talk in more detail this weekend, but I'm not sure how much more I have to add to the conversation. He'll either take this job or not, of his own accord, and for his own reasons. I feel really sad at the thought of losing him. This is just the way it goes sometimes, right?
I was the stepson in this scenario (now adult woman).
My parents were friends with a couple; the wife in the couple was my dad's editor. That couple had a 2 yo. I babysat for the 2 yo when I was 12 (this was in the 80's when people did that more). The couple regularly came to our house for dinner. I remember sitting at the table while the 4 adults talked and I played with the toddler....who then became my stepbrother when my dad left my mom, editor left her husband, and my dad married editor....within a year. They moved to another state. My stepmom also never felt an ounce of regret.
They had a decent 10 years together. My sister and I tolerated her because we wanted a relationship with our dad. Her son was socially maladjusted for lots of reasons, including the extent to which she alienated him from his bio father. At some point she recognized my dad for the workaholic that he always was and started drinking.That would have wrecked their marriage but she developed breast cancer (no family history, never smoked) and died at 44. I don't miss her. Her son took a nosedive and had to be hospitalized, has now recovered and is doing fairly well. My dad remarried and is now fine, although his 3rd wife is more of a roommate.
Moral of this story: My stepmom's legacy was a series of poor choices. A series. Not one, not one in isolation, and she's not around to provide footnotes for why it was all ok or her first husband sucked or she was unloved as a child or whatever. I'm sure life wasn't fair for her, but I bet it was better than some. She was like a wrecking ball in our family, and we've all mostly healed, but even as a 12 yr old I knew her moral compass was broken. It's pretty bad when a tween looks at an adult and thinks, "you don't get it lady". I'm 44 now and I've never changed my mind.
She could have turned it around at some point. Kids don't want to stay angry. I was hurting inside for years while they played house, but I got over it because I knew I had to. You have a chance to write this story in a way that will lessen the damage. Don't let your current attitude dictate your narrative.
I say this as someone with 3 decades of perspective. Good luck.
My parents were friends with a couple; the wife in the couple was my dad's editor. That couple had a 2 yo. I babysat for the 2 yo when I was 12 (this was in the 80's when people did that more). The couple regularly came to our house for dinner. I remember sitting at the table while the 4 adults talked and I played with the toddler....who then became my stepbrother when my dad left my mom, editor left her husband, and my dad married editor....within a year. They moved to another state. My stepmom also never felt an ounce of regret.
They had a decent 10 years together. My sister and I tolerated her because we wanted a relationship with our dad. Her son was socially maladjusted for lots of reasons, including the extent to which she alienated him from his bio father. At some point she recognized my dad for the workaholic that he always was and started drinking.That would have wrecked their marriage but she developed breast cancer (no family history, never smoked) and died at 44. I don't miss her. Her son took a nosedive and had to be hospitalized, has now recovered and is doing fairly well. My dad remarried and is now fine, although his 3rd wife is more of a roommate.
Moral of this story: My stepmom's legacy was a series of poor choices. A series. Not one, not one in isolation, and she's not around to provide footnotes for why it was all ok or her first husband sucked or she was unloved as a child or whatever. I'm sure life wasn't fair for her, but I bet it was better than some. She was like a wrecking ball in our family, and we've all mostly healed, but even as a 12 yr old I knew her moral compass was broken. It's pretty bad when a tween looks at an adult and thinks, "you don't get it lady". I'm 44 now and I've never changed my mind.
She could have turned it around at some point. Kids don't want to stay angry. I was hurting inside for years while they played house, but I got over it because I knew I had to. You have a chance to write this story in a way that will lessen the damage. Don't let your current attitude dictate your narrative.
I say this as someone with 3 decades of perspective. Good luck.
OP, the other idea is to just let the pace set itself. You described a nice, slow linear progression towards getting to know each other. Physical by the 3rd date, that's good. Sex will come. Getting to know each other first keeps your head clear about who you both are (assuming you want a LTR).
I'm an ardent feminist and not against women having as much sex as they want but the older I get the more I think sex too early is a mistake, for both parties. Just one person's opinion. Best of luck to you.
I'm an ardent feminist and not against women having as much sex as they want but the older I get the more I think sex too early is a mistake, for both parties. Just one person's opinion. Best of luck to you.
OK I'll be the lone voice of dissent here and say I think it's a pretty bad idea, but I also think there's miles of middle ground between "Congratulations!!!" and "Dave we're cutting you off".
I see the red flag here as: 2 young people who planned to attend college close by (great!), getting engaged (hmm), and the whole "we won't get married for a while".
Then what's the rush? Be together, be committed, etc. But this strikes me as one or both (but likely one) wanting some kind of place-holder here. And there's just no such thing, even after everyone's wearing a ring. You still have to work together and be your best selves. Maybe I'm a cynic, but something's off about a couple of college sophomores who want to do this. Other possibility is the sex thing; is someone holding out.
Either way, just talk to your son OP and be prepared to have several conversations about the motivations here. Just because you recognize the seriousness of these decisions doesn't mean your potential future DIL will hate you forever.
I see the red flag here as: 2 young people who planned to attend college close by (great!), getting engaged (hmm), and the whole "we won't get married for a while".
Then what's the rush? Be together, be committed, etc. But this strikes me as one or both (but likely one) wanting some kind of place-holder here. And there's just no such thing, even after everyone's wearing a ring. You still have to work together and be your best selves. Maybe I'm a cynic, but something's off about a couple of college sophomores who want to do this. Other possibility is the sex thing; is someone holding out.
Either way, just talk to your son OP and be prepared to have several conversations about the motivations here. Just because you recognize the seriousness of these decisions doesn't mean your potential future DIL will hate you forever.