Issue with blended family

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married for just less than a year. I have 3 children from a previous marriage, a 7 year old and twin 4 year olds. He has two from a previous marriage as well, ages 10 and 12. We’ve aligned our custody schedules so we have all 5 kids during the same week to reinforce the new normal and solidify the family unit.

His kids have no patience for doing activities my twins enjoy, and DH seems fine with having me take my younger kids out by myself while he’s at soccer/baseball practice and games with his kids instead of reinforcing our new family as a whole. His oldest has recently started disrespecting me and threatening to tell my children inappropriate and misleading information about my relationship with DH, which I’m sure he is getting from his mother. DH says he will address it, but I’m not seeing any improvement. I’m at the point where I want us to go to a therapist for blended families, but DH is resistant because his kids just finished over a year of therapy related to the divorce and he doesn’t want them going right back in. He says we all need time to adjust, but I suspect his ex is refusing to allow it. She is extremely controlling and only communicates with him through an app, she doesn't respond to his texts or emails. Any suggestions from people who have been through this?

[Anonymous]

I found this show useful: https://www.wbur.org/onpoint/2016/01/27/blended-families-step-families-divorce

Takeways: go really slow and the tween and early teen years can be the hardest for blending

If DH and his ex have a contentious relationship (regardless of whose fault that is) and his kids just finished a year of therapy related to that, it sounds like you and DH moved pretty fast to blend. I think you need to lower your standards for "family unit" and take it slow with his kids. Disrespect isn't acceptable, but you also need to be sensitive to his kids' complicated feelings-if instafamily doesn't feel right to them, you can't force it.

[Anonymous]

I think your expectations are unreasonable and you're pushing too hard. A year is not much time. It takes five years to blend a family. And it may never really blend. They don't have to like or care about you and your children just because you've married their father. They might never, ever want to have a truly blended family, and trying to force them will backfire.

Tweens are not going to be interested in preschool-level activities. It sounds like you're expecting them to miss out on things that they actually enjoy, for the sake of watching your 4 year olds do something. Why? In an intact family with five children, divide by age would be the norm.

Also, it's normal for 12 year olds to be disrespectful! It's part of adolescence. You don't have to tolerate it, but you do need to have age-appropriate expectations. It's not necessarily because of his ex. And also, second wife, it's very very rare that the woman your DH CHOSE to marry suddenly went bonkers and all problems are her fault. There might be a lot you don't know.

Remember that the adults have CHOSEN to put these children through a lot of turmoil. You chose them and they didn't choose you.

[Anonymous]

Back off on the tweens and realize they may never accept your idealized Brady Bunch blended family. They’ve been through a lot. Don’t expect them to be gleefully embracing your predefined future. Yes, they should be respectful, but that’s about it.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to do everything together to be a family.

I was in a not blended family but had 4 siblings and other than family vacation and Wednesday night family dinner and church on Sundays, we rarely did everything together.

Tweens and preschoolers have different interest and are at very different developmental levels. You likely wouldn't expect your 4 year old to engage in the activities the 10 and 12 year old are doing because it would be inappropriate for them or beyond them...the same is true the other way. Everyone needs things at their developmental level

Everyone is also still individual people and you still have two family groups within the blended family. Think of it more as a mosaic and less as a melting pot.

Back away or you risk making this worse.

[Anonymous]

Ok, so...

1) They lost their family to divorce and have to constantly shuffle back and forth between houses.

2) Their parents' relationship is tense and their mom is unhappy.

3) They have to share their dad with THREE other kids and no longer get as much time with him.

4) Their dad's new wife wants them to miss out on their preferred activities and force them to spend time with little kids.

And YOU'RE complaining that you're not getting a good enough deal? Sorry hon you should have seen this coming.
5)

[Anonymous]

In a nuclear family of 5, the little kids wouldn't have as many activities. They would tag along and play on the sidelines as the older kids did things, or be enrolled in the same activities and not given a choice of what they do. Try taking your children to the soccer and basketball games and maybe it would work better.

[Anonymous]

I have a blended family, with my oldest being a tween and the other kids preschoolers. For the first year, you don’t want to force anything. You just need to build a bond of trust and respect. Tweens do not want to do stuff with 4 year olds... totally different age ranges for activities. It’s ok to split! However, perhaps you can take his son to practice and husband can take the twins to do something fun? He has to respect you and you need your husband on your side. I would never be with someone that allowed any person (family, friend, kid or not) to disrespect me

[Anonymous]

Look, OP, tweens test boundaries. They're rude sometimes. Testing boundaries is part of their development. You don't have to tolerate it. But you do have to expect it and parent it appropriately. Blaming your DH's ex for normal and age-appropriate behavior is not going to make anything better.

Also, he's perfectly capable of thinking of inappropriate things on his own. He doesn't need to get it from his mother. He probably just figured out that it upsets you, so he does it to express his own unhappiness with the upheaval you adults have put him through. And also, maybe it's true and you just don't want to hear it.

[Anonymous]

How long were DH and his wife divorced before you met DH and started dating? Was there any overlap?

How long after the divorce did the kids meet you?

If they just finished a year of therapy related to the divorce, it doesn't sounds like he has been divorced all that long and you are already married?

You really need to start slowing down. These kids are passengers in a speeding car you are driving. They have no control and are going to voice their discontent.

[Anonymous]

Trying to find activities for this age range (4 to 12) is going to be difficult. Perhaps outdoor activities. BUT -- it is natural and normal for the older kids to want to spend time with friends, not with family.

Stop blaming the ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long were DH and his wife divorced before you met DH and started dating? Was there any overlap?

How long after the divorce did the kids meet you?

If they just finished a year of therapy related to the divorce, it doesn't sounds like he has been divorced all that long and you are already married?

You really need to start slowing down. These kids are passengers in a speeding car you are driving. They have no control and are going to voice their discontent.

This. Bad parenting choices come home to roost.

[Anonymous]

No, you aren’t supposed to do everything together on weekends. What universe do you live in?

I have a 9 and 12 year old and DH and I always divide and conquer on the weekend. DD doesn’t want to sit through DS’s baseball games and he has no interest in her soccer game so other than one or two a season we don’t force it.

I truly think you need to reset your expectations.

[Anonymous]

I’m a stepmom. First, read Stepmonster. It would help you adjust your expectations.

Second, is there any possibility of changing the custody schedule to switch weeks so his kids are there one week, your kids another, with maybe one overlap day??

These kids have already lost their dad half the time, clearly have trauma about the breakup of their family. Only seeing their dad 50% of the time, it’s crazy that they have to divide their time with FOUR total strangers!! IF you love this guy, love his kids enough to gave them more time with him.

Let go of your visions of doing things as a group of 7 except maybe once a week. It’s not fair to any of you. One daily dinner of all 7 weekly would be a big win.

On your week with your kids, they can start adjusting to your DH’s presence without also adjusting to 2 more siblings. ANd vice-versa.

This forced family crowding is a Recipe for disaster. Focus on strengthening individual relationships rather than strengthening the nonexistent group bond. If people are getting their individual needs met, they wreck far more likely to be pleasant and cooperative.

[Anonymous]

How long were DH and his wife divorced before you met DH and started dating? Was there any overlap?

How long after the divorce did the kids meet you?

The kids have known me for many years, long before their parents divorced. We didn't have a close relationship, but I've been to their birthday parties since they were toddlers and they've been playing with my kids for years. It isn't like I suddenly appeared in their life as a stranger.