Help. 20 year old son.
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Anonymous
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My 20 year old son is home from college on Xmas break. Told my dh tonite he wants to propose to his GF. I’m away for work but I’ll be home in a couple days.
My mind is spinning. I love her, but why?? What’s the rush??? She’s is college too. They attend colleges next to each other (planned that way as they’ve been dating since high school) I’m not sure how to have this conversation when I get home. Everything I’m thinking, is going to fall on deaf ears. He says they won’t get married for several years (after they finish college). I feel like I’m in a no-win situation if I am not supportive or supportive. |
Anonymous
| Apart from telling him your honest opinion (that they're just too young and you think they should wait) there's nothing you can do. It's not your decision to make. |
Anonymous
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DO NOTHING BUT SUPPORT HIM.
SUPPORT SUPPORT SUPPORT SUPPORT Ultimately your son will be a man who will likely do what he should in a good marriage, and prioritize his wife over you. You do not want to have started off by criticizing his decision. My DH of 10+ years proposed to me the moment we'd graduated from college. His mom was horrified. She felt then, and really continues to feel, that she was entitled to an opinion on his life. She's not. You are not. |
Anonymous
| Be supportive. He is not getting married so there is no "rush". Any resistance from you will be counterproductive. You are overthinking this. |
Anonymous
| ^^ PP here. I will add that it has been such an incredible blessing to have been with my DH since we were young. Yes, there are things we missed out on; but there's also so much we gained. And as we get older, and when life gets hard, I love knowing I'm with someone who knew all these different versions of me. Marrying young can be a wonderful thing, and I will never understand why it's more acceptable to marry at age 30 after dating for a year than it is to marry at 22 after dating/being engaged for 5+ years.... |
Anonymous
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My step DD got engaged her sophomore yr to the boy she had been dating since Freshman year of HS. Not much we could say about it.
He’s a lovely boy, loves her dearly, and is a good person. DH and wish they had more life experience and perhaps dates other people but that’s not our decision to make. The only stipulation we made is that we would not pay for a wedding until they graduated college. They are both on track to graduate in May but we haven’t heard a date yet. |
Anonymous
| You hug him and say, "Congratulations!". |
Anonymous
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Be supportive.
"Congratulations, Dave! I'm so glad you found someone you love so much that you want to spend the rest of your lives together. You know that dad and I will support you, but I think you would be wise to plan for a long engagement. Finish school, stay on our insurance plan, etc. until you two are fully launched and prepared to fly solo." Is either one planning to go to grad school? FWIW, I got engaged when I graduated from college. DH was a few years older and had a job, and he supported me while I was in law school. Still happily married 20 years later. |
Anonymous
| Do not protest. |
Anonymous
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Be supportive. I've met many people who got engaged in college and got married after.
But what's the big deal? Sounds like he has a plan and it's something they've talked about. Sounds like they've been serious for awhile. Not everyone needs to date around before getting married. |
Anonymous
| He says they will wait until after college. Be supportive and say you're happy for them. You don't want him moving up the date or distancing himself from you because it becomes and us against them situation. They likely have three more years of college and maybe grad school. That's plenty of time for them to grow and decide whether they truly belong together. |
Anonymous
| Yikes. I hope he never finds out your true feelings. I especially hope his girlfriend doesn’t. You’re only setting yourself up to be distanced from later. You help him by realizing it’s not about you. And be supportive. |
Anonymous
| DH proposed when I was 19. We got married when I was 23, in grad school. Congratulate them and keep your doubts to yourself. |
Anonymous
Same for us. My MIL sobbed for days and did not talk to my husband for a week after he proposed, then tried to talk us into living together instead of getting married. It took many, many years for me to get past that. We have been married almost 25 years now. |
Anonymous
| He says they won't get married for several years so why go crazy. They are obviously serious about each other so why be disruptive? |