Help. 20 year old son.

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[Post New]12/19/2018 07:50
quote
Anonymous
OP -
encourage him and also really encourage they do pre-marriage counseling. It will really improve their chances of a successful marriage. This is a biggie.
[Post New]12/19/2018 07:52
quote
Anonymous
Anything you say to your son that comes across as disapproval will most certainly damage your relationship with him. It will not stop him. He’s a man now, and needs your acceptance and support.
[Post New]12/19/2018 08:58
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Choosing to become engaged and married is an adult decision. While it is their decision, it is my decision (as a parent) to not support a married couple. To me, that means health insurance, help with living expenses and footing the entire wedding bill.

My suggestion is to layout your expeditions. A 20 year old has no idea how much $$ they will need to live, from health insurance to car insurance, etc. Lots of financial stress.


There it is. The same parent who holds ollege tuition over her kids' heads to control them. Continuing to try to use money as a control even when it hasn't been asked for and long after it is appropriate.

control freaks need to find a better way to deal with their children. And if you wonder how bad mothers and law are created, you have it right here


Ok so are you saying parents SHOULD pay to support a married couple? To what extent? For how long?



I am pp of this post. College tuition was not part of this discussion. I am assuming this couple will wait for graduation to marry. Many kids live at home after graduation while they pull $$ together for renting an apartment, buying a car etc. Maybe YOU are willing to house a married couple. I am not.
[Post New]12/19/2018 10:03
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Choosing to become engaged and married is an adult decision. While it is their decision, it is my decision (as a parent) to not support a married couple. To me, that means health insurance, help with living expenses and footing the entire wedding bill.

My suggestion is to layout your expeditions. A 20 year old has no idea how much $$ they will need to live, from health insurance to car insurance, etc. Lots of financial stress.


There it is. The same parent who holds ollege tuition over her kids' heads to control them. Continuing to try to use money as a control even when it hasn't been asked for and long after it is appropriate.

control freaks need to find a better way to deal with their children. And if you wonder how bad mothers and law are created, you have it right here


Ok so are you saying parents SHOULD pay to support a married couple? To what extent? For how long?



I am pp of this post. College tuition was not part of this discussion. I am assuming this couple will wait for graduation to marry. Many kids live at home after graduation while they pull $$ together for renting an apartment, buying a car etc. Maybe YOU are willing to house a married couple. I am not.


It is the same mentality, the idea that you can control your children via money. It is all the same. Many kids live at home after graduation, many do not. Either way, you can make your limitations clear, educate them, but you should not do it in an attempt to control or maneuver the situation.
[Post New]12/19/2018 10:08
quote
Anonymous
Op, not your business, not your business. Let him take the lead on this and trust that your years of responsible parenting will hold true. You say she is a lovely girl and you like her, that's important, it says that you trust that she takes care of your son. Let this play out, just always be there to listen and share their happiness (or not). Let this play out. Don't be that parent!
[Post New]12/19/2018 10:47
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Choosing to become engaged and married is an adult decision. While it is their decision, it is my decision (as a parent) to not support a married couple. To me, that means health insurance, help with living expenses and footing the entire wedding bill.

My suggestion is to layout your expeditions. A 20 year old has no idea how much $$ they will need to live, from health insurance to car insurance, etc. Lots of financial stress.


There it is. The same parent who holds ollege tuition over her kids' heads to control them. Continuing to try to use money as a control even when it hasn't been asked for and long after it is appropriate.

control freaks need to find a better way to deal with their children. And if you wonder how bad mothers and law are created, you have it right here


Ok so are you saying parents SHOULD pay to support a married couple? To what extent? For how long?



I am pp of this post. College tuition was not part of this discussion. I am assuming this couple will wait for graduation to marry. Many kids live at home after graduation while they pull $$ together for renting an apartment, buying a car etc. Maybe YOU are willing to house a married couple. I am not.


It is the same mentality, the idea that you can control your children via money. It is all the same. Many kids live at home after graduation, many do not. Either way, you can make your limitations clear, educate them, but you should not do it in an attempt to control or maneuver the situation.


Seriously, what is the difference between a limitation you make clear and this horrible “control” you speak of? I’m dying to know.
[Post New]12/19/2018 11:20
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:How old were you OP when you got engaged?


25, married at 26, 1st kid at 27.


There's a big difference between 20 and 25.

[Post New]12/19/2018 14:50
quote
Anonymous
I think the first thing to say to the son is that you're happy for him and that he's chosen a great partner. But later I'd have a sober conversation about making a life for oneself that involves finances and raising kids. I'd strongly advise them to take every precaution to avoid having a baby until they're financially stable, independently from the parents. I'd also offer to continue paying for his tuition through graduation conditional on them BOTH staying in college and graduating. If they're going to live together off campus, that could end up saving you money since they'd be sharing a room.

So long as they both still graduate on time without a baby in the picture, the worst thing that can happen is that they divorce within a few years. That's hardly a tragedy and doesn't put either of them in a worse position than they would have otherwise been. If it works out, it's got the potential to be a HUGE benefit to them if they go to grad school. I was super jealous of the people in grad school who had a spouse who worked to pay for their 1-bedroom apartments instead of the student going deeply into debt to pay for living expenses. And the spouse was the student's default entertainment, not to mention that they didn't have to expend energy trying to date and meet someone before they turned 35.
[Post New]12/19/2018 14:56
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Choosing to become engaged and married is an adult decision. While it is their decision, it is my decision (as a parent) to not support a married couple. To me, that means health insurance, help with living expenses and footing the entire wedding bill.

My suggestion is to layout your expeditions. A 20 year old has no idea how much $$ they will need to live, from health insurance to car insurance, etc. Lots of financial stress.


There it is. The same parent who holds ollege tuition over her kids' heads to control them. Continuing to try to use money as a control even when it hasn't been asked for and long after it is appropriate.

control freaks need to find a better way to deal with their children. And if you wonder how bad mothers and law are created, you have it right here


Ok so are you saying parents SHOULD pay to support a married couple? To what extent? For how long?



I am pp of this post. College tuition was not part of this discussion. I am assuming this couple will wait for graduation to marry. Many kids live at home after graduation while they pull $$ together for renting an apartment, buying a car etc. Maybe YOU are willing to house a married couple. I am not.


It is the same mentality, the idea that you can control your children via money. It is all the same. Many kids live at home after graduation, many do not. Either way, you can make your limitations clear, educate them, but you should not do it in an attempt to control or maneuver the situation.


Seriously, what is the difference between a limitation you make clear and this horrible “control” you speak of? I’m dying to know.


"Son, if you get married young, that is your choice. But we are not going to support you financially or let you move in with us. You might want to think about that before you make these choices"

...that is trying to control the situation and manipulate your kid.

"Son, what are your plans for supporting yourself after college when you get married? Can we help you figure out your financial and logistical plans?"

...that opens the door to a conversation about your limitations without trying to be proactively nasty and controlling.
[Post New]12/19/2018 15:05
quote
Anonymous
My college roommate got engaged to her long distance boyfriend their sophomore year and got married shortly after graduation. He got a great job and supported her through medical school and they have a kid and a great life.
[Post New]12/19/2018 15:08
quote
Anonymous
I got engaged in high school. My parents were furious but they never told me no. I didn't end up marrying him btw. We dated for another 5 years. I left him. I'm married to a great guy that I met 2 months after breaking up with him and have been happily married for 10 years now.

While I wouldn't choose to get engaged early like that again, it had side benefits. Most of my friends spent all high school and college dating, breaking up, sleeping around. I was in a loving, committed relationship and focused on studies.
[Post New]12/19/2018 15:36
quote
Skyeblue
Member Offline
OK I'll be the lone voice of dissent here and say I think it's a pretty bad idea, but I also think there's miles of middle ground between "Congratulations!!!" and "Dave we're cutting you off".

I see the red flag here as: 2 young people who planned to attend college close by (great!), getting engaged (hmm), and the whole "we won't get married for a while".

Then what's the rush? Be together, be committed, etc. But this strikes me as one or both (but likely one) wanting some kind of place-holder here. And there's just no such thing, even after everyone's wearing a ring. You still have to work together and be your best selves. Maybe I'm a cynic, but something's off about a couple of college sophomores who want to do this. Other possibility is the sex thing; is someone holding out.

Either way, just talk to your son OP and be prepared to have several conversations about the motivations here. Just because you recognize the seriousness of these decisions doesn't mean your potential future DIL will hate you forever.
[Post New]12/19/2018 16:47
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s a compliment to you, OP, and your DH that your son is excited about the concept of marriage.


Uh no. Concept of unlimited sex.


You have to be married to have sex?
[Post New]12/19/2018 18:08
quote
Anonymous
OP, your role is to: Not impede. Not promote (clearly you're not promoting ...)

It is not your life. His life should play-out without interference from you.

You can expect them to be self-supporting, when they marry, if you wish to make that a condition of your "blessing" on this event.
[Post New]12/19/2018 19:14
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Choosing to become engaged and married is an adult decision. While it is their decision, it is my decision (as a parent) to not support a married couple. To me, that means health insurance, help with living expenses and footing the entire wedding bill.

My suggestion is to layout your expeditions. A 20 year old has no idea how much $$ they will need to live, from health insurance to car insurance, etc. Lots of financial stress.


There it is. The same parent who holds ollege tuition over her kids' heads to control them. Continuing to try to use money as a control even when it hasn't been asked for and long after it is appropriate.

control freaks need to find a better way to deal with their children. And if you wonder how bad mothers and law are created, you have it right here


Ok so are you saying parents SHOULD pay to support a married couple? To what extent? For how long?



I am pp of this post. College tuition was not part of this discussion. I am assuming this couple will wait for graduation to marry. Many kids live at home after graduation while they pull $$ together for renting an apartment, buying a car etc. Maybe YOU are willing to house a married couple. I am not.


Agree with this. What newlywed young couple wants to live with their parents or in-laws?? I'm one of the PPs who got married at 22, right after graduation. No way would either set of parents have supported us financially. We paid for our own apartment, car insurance, health insurance, groceries, etc. I would never have expected our parents to house us or contribute financially, and they would have laughed their asses off if we'd suggested it. We lived frugally in the early years but it was doable. There was a VERY clear expectation, regardless of being married, that we and all of our siblings would be out the door within a month of graduation anyway.
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