Issue with blended family

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[Post New]01/14/2019 01:35
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.


Yes, I wouldn't appreciate one of my kids hearing someone call me a homewrecking whore, but then again, I'm not one.

All the kid is threatening is to say the truth, really. It's harsh language, but sometimes harsh language is appropriate to describe harsh people who do harsh things. You can't punish someone for telling the truth.

You'll need to explain your actions to your kids at some point or another.
[Post New]01/14/2019 01:41
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's easy to demonize me, I get it. statistically, half of you are cheaters. Half. I'm not proud of how my relationship with my husband started, but I didn't set out to destroy his wife and children. Yes, I'm ashamed I slept with a married man. We worked together for 15 years before we became more than just coworkers. He was in a sexless marriage for years, living like roommates. His wife was on medication for depression since having kids. My own marriage was nonexistent, my ex worked 60 hour weeks and when he was home was disengaged. Both marriages were dead long before we started leaning on each other for support. The affair was a mistake. If I could do it over, we would have ended our marriages first.

I don't live in the home my husband lived in with his ex. She kept the house.

I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.

Yes, I'm going to push for an adjustment in the custody schedule. DH's ex only communicates with him through a coparenting app and wont acknowledge the topic of custody. I'm confident I can get my ex to switch weekends at least, so then there is less overlap and each set of kids gets time with their biological parents without the other kids around.

for the few of you who have been decent in your responses, thank you.



Ahhhh.... so your side of the story is that your DH was justified to have his affair because his wife was sick, and you were justified to have your affair because your then-DH was working his tail off to support his family. The family you wrecked.

Yeah, you were right to leave all of that out initially. It just makes you sound worse (although I didn't think that would even be possible).


New poster. I agree 100 percent. OP, you wrecked a family, taking advantage of someone who was depressed and mentally ill. You don't feel an ounce of regret, which is really sad.

If his kids know the truth, your kids should know too. I think you should sit them down and tell them the truth before someone else does.
[Post New]01/14/2019 01:54
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.


Yes, I wouldn't appreciate one of my kids hearing someone call me a homewrecking whore, but then again, I'm not one.

All the kid is threatening is to say the truth, really. It's harsh language, but sometimes harsh language is appropriate to describe harsh people who do harsh things. You can't punish someone for telling the truth.

You'll need to explain your actions to your kids at some point or another.

+1 to the bold.

And regardless of what you eventually tell your kids, your stepson will still eventually tell your children the truth. There’s no coming back from what you did to this child and their sibling. You’ll forever live with the consequences.
[Post New]01/14/2019 01:56
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's easy to demonize me, I get it. statistically, half of you are cheaters. Half. I'm not proud of how my relationship with my husband started, but I didn't set out to destroy his wife and children. Yes, I'm ashamed I slept with a married man. We worked together for 15 years before we became more than just coworkers. He was in a sexless marriage for years, living like roommates. His wife was on medication for depression since having kids. My own marriage was nonexistent, my ex worked 60 hour weeks and when he was home was disengaged. Both marriages were dead long before we started leaning on each other for support. The affair was a mistake. If I could do it over, we would have ended our marriages first.

I don't live in the home my husband lived in with his ex. She kept the house.

I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.

Yes, I'm going to push for an adjustment in the custody schedule. DH's ex only communicates with him through a coparenting app and wont acknowledge the topic of custody. I'm confident I can get my ex to switch weekends at least, so then there is less overlap and each set of kids gets time with their biological parents without the other kids around.

for the few of you who have been decent in your responses, thank you.


Ahhhh.... so your side of the story is that your DH was justified to have his affair because his wife was sick, and you were justified to have your affair because your then-DH was working his tail off to support his family. The family you wrecked.

Yeah, you were right to leave all of that out initially. It just makes you sound worse (although I didn't think that would even be possible).

New poster. I agree 100 percent. OP, you wrecked a family, taking advantage of someone who was depressed and mentally ill. You don't feel an ounce of regret, which is really sad.

If his kids know the truth, your kids should know too. I think you should sit them down and tell them the truth before someone else does.

+1 Very sociopathic.
[Post New]01/14/2019 04:59
quote
Anonymous
We aren't even demonizing you. Like your stepson, we are simply reflecting to you what is true but it's not flattering to you so you think it's demonizing.

You DID cheat
You DID break up two families
You DO put your kids and marriage over the well being of his kids and the family as a whole (you're NOT blended)
You DO weasel custody to have 2 weeks alone with your husband each month and then demand his kids share their 2 weeks with him with you and your toddlers, giving them no much-needed dad time

Those are facts. It's not demonizing you, it's the truth. You ALL need to be in FAMILY therapy if you have any hope of this ever working out. Quit prioritizing keeping tabs on your new husband at all times, split up the custody, let his kids see him ALONE WITHOUT YOU, who they hate,and your little kids, who they don't care about, so they can rebuild that relationship.

Accept that the friends as in laws all know you're a couple of affair partners who broke two families. They don't accept your marriage is valid and don't and won't support you for a long, long time, if ever. And mostly, humble yourself. YOU owe these kids a lot of hard work, self reflection, sacrifice if you thought nailing their dad was worth all this. This was YOUR choice, not theirs, and fixing it and making it livable is not their problem, it's yours.
[Post New]01/14/2019 05:51
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:

Ahhhh.... so your side of the story is that your DH was justified to have his affair because his wife was sick, and you were justified to have your affair because your then-DH was working his tail off to support his family. The family you wrecked.

Yeah, you were right to leave all of that out initially. It just makes you sound worse (although I didn't think that would even be possible).


+1
[Post New]01/14/2019 05:59
quote
Anonymous
Anyone remember the famous Vow column that featured the 2 APs and their kids?
[Post New]01/14/2019 06:01
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Anyone remember the famous Vow column that featured the 2 APs and their kids?



https://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/19/fashion/weddings/19vows.html
[Post New]01/14/2019 06:14
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:The best thing that could happen for the tweens is if your H relinquished custody. Having you forcing ‘family time’ just makes me ill— through a computer screen :/

Yes, actions have consequences and if there is a god there is a special place ready in hell for you. You have ruined innocent lives and continue to lead with selfish choices.


What!? No! Relinquishing custody is a terrible idea! You don’t fix an imperfect relationship between parent and child by abandoning th child completely! What kind of horrible monster are you???
[Post New]01/14/2019 07:13
quote
Skyeblue
Member Offline
I was the stepson in this scenario (now adult woman).

My parents were friends with a couple; the wife in the couple was my dad's editor. That couple had a 2 yo. I babysat for the 2 yo when I was 12 (this was in the 80's when people did that more). The couple regularly came to our house for dinner. I remember sitting at the table while the 4 adults talked and I played with the toddler....who then became my stepbrother when my dad left my mom, editor left her husband, and my dad married editor....within a year. They moved to another state. My stepmom also never felt an ounce of regret.

They had a decent 10 years together. My sister and I tolerated her because we wanted a relationship with our dad. Her son was socially maladjusted for lots of reasons, including the extent to which she alienated him from his bio father. At some point she recognized my dad for the workaholic that he always was and started drinking.That would have wrecked their marriage but she developed breast cancer (no family history, never smoked) and died at 44. I don't miss her. Her son took a nosedive and had to be hospitalized, has now recovered and is doing fairly well. My dad remarried and is now fine, although his 3rd wife is more of a roommate.

Moral of this story: My stepmom's legacy was a series of poor choices. A series. Not one, not one in isolation, and she's not around to provide footnotes for why it was all ok or her first husband sucked or she was unloved as a child or whatever. I'm sure life wasn't fair for her, but I bet it was better than some. She was like a wrecking ball in our family, and we've all mostly healed, but even as a 12 yr old I knew her moral compass was broken. It's pretty bad when a tween looks at an adult and thinks, "you don't get it lady". I'm 44 now and I've never changed my mind.

She could have turned it around at some point. Kids don't want to stay angry. I was hurting inside for years while they played house, but I got over it because I knew I had to. You have a chance to write this story in a way that will lessen the damage. Don't let your current attitude dictate your narrative.

I say this as someone with 3 decades of perspective. Good luck.

[Post New]01/14/2019 07:38
quote
Anonymous
This thread is:

[Post New]01/14/2019 07:41
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's easy to demonize me, I get it. statistically, half of you are cheaters. Half. I'm not proud of how my relationship with my husband started, but I didn't set out to destroy his wife and children. Yes, I'm ashamed I slept with a married man. We worked together for 15 years before we became more than just coworkers. He was in a sexless marriage for years, living like roommates. His wife was on medication for depression since having kids. My own marriage was nonexistent, my ex worked 60 hour weeks and when he was home was disengaged. Both marriages were dead long before we started leaning on each other for support. The affair was a mistake. If I could do it over, we would have ended our marriages first.

I don't live in the home my husband lived in with his ex. She kept the house.

I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.

Yes, I'm going to push for an adjustment in the custody schedule. DH's ex only communicates with him through a coparenting app and wont acknowledge the topic of custody. I'm confident I can get my ex to switch weekends at least, so then there is less overlap and each set of kids gets time with their biological parents without the other kids around.

for the few of you who have been decent in your responses, thank you.



Ahhhh.... so your side of the story is that your DH was justified to have his affair because his wife was sick, and you were justified to have your affair because your then-DH was working his tail off to support his family. The family you wrecked.

Yeah, you were right to leave all of that out initially. It just makes you sound worse (although I didn't think that would even be possible).


New poster. I agree 100 percent. OP, you wrecked a family, taking advantage of someone who was depressed and mentally ill. You don't feel an ounce of regret, which is really sad.

If his kids know the truth, your kids should know too. I think you should sit them down and tell them the truth before someone else does.


OP literally wrote “the affair was a mistake. We should have ended our marriages first.” You’re projecting.
[Post New]01/14/2019 07:44
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's easy to demonize me, I get it. statistically, half of you are cheaters. Half. I'm not proud of how my relationship with my husband started, but I didn't set out to destroy his wife and children. Yes, I'm ashamed I slept with a married man. We worked together for 15 years before we became more than just coworkers. He was in a sexless marriage for years, living like roommates. His wife was on medication for depression since having kids. My own marriage was nonexistent, my ex worked 60 hour weeks and when he was home was disengaged. Both marriages were dead long before we started leaning on each other for support. The affair was a mistake. If I could do it over, we would have ended our marriages first.

I don't live in the home my husband lived in with his ex. She kept the house.

I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.

Yes, I'm going to push for an adjustment in the custody schedule. DH's ex only communicates with him through a coparenting app and wont acknowledge the topic of custody. I'm confident I can get my ex to switch weekends at least, so then there is less overlap and each set of kids gets time with their biological parents without the other kids around.

for the few of you who have been decent in your responses, thank you.



Ahhhh.... so your side of the story is that your DH was justified to have his affair because his wife was sick, and you were justified to have your affair because your then-DH was working his tail off to support his family. The family you wrecked.

Yeah, you were right to leave all of that out initially. It just makes you sound worse (although I didn't think that would even be possible).


Yes, this
[Post New]01/14/2019 07:50
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's easy to demonize me, I get it. statistically, half of you are cheaters. Half. I'm not proud of how my relationship with my husband started, but I didn't set out to destroy his wife and children. Yes, I'm ashamed I slept with a married man. We worked together for 15 years before we became more than just coworkers. He was in a sexless marriage for years, living like roommates. His wife was on medication for depression since having kids. My own marriage was nonexistent, my ex worked 60 hour weeks and when he was home was disengaged. Both marriages were dead long before we started leaning on each other for support. The affair was a mistake. If I could do it over, we would have ended our marriages first.

I don't live in the home my husband lived in with his ex. She kept the house.

I genuinely like my step kids. They are good kids. I don't have experience with tweens, I know I'm in over my head. I get that his son is angry, but I don't think that is an excuse to blackmail his stepmother with threats to tell my kids that I'm a homewrecking whore. Come on, none of you would want your young kids hearing that phrase or your tween spewing that phrase.

Yes, I'm going to push for an adjustment in the custody schedule. DH's ex only communicates with him through a coparenting app and wont acknowledge the topic of custody. I'm confident I can get my ex to switch weekends at least, so then there is less overlap and each set of kids gets time with their biological parents without the other kids around.

for the few of you who have been decent in your responses, thank you.



Ahhhh.... so your side of the story is that your DH was justified to have his affair because his wife was sick, and you were justified to have your affair because your then-DH was working his tail off to support his family. The family you wrecked.

Yeah, you were right to leave all of that out initially. It just makes you sound worse (although I didn't think that would even be possible).


New poster. I agree 100 percent. OP, you wrecked a family, taking advantage of someone who was depressed and mentally ill. You don't feel an ounce of regret, which is really sad.

If his kids know the truth, your kids should know too. I think you should sit them down and tell them the truth before someone else does.


OP literally wrote “the affair was a mistake. We should have ended our marriages first.” You’re projecting.


She isn't because OP does NOT feel regret. She thinks they should have ended their marriages first not because of the hurt they caused but because she now realizes that not doing so means the in laws will never welcome her, her stepkids will never accept her, and she's living in a state of constant paranoia of what a 12 year old will tell her kids about her. She's unhappy about all that but still has zero concern at all for how much damage they've done to a LOT of people.
[Post New]01/14/2019 07:56
quote
Anonymous
You should read the book Flowers in the Attic. Something about your situation reminds me of that book, and that’s not a good thing.
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