My spouse says I never agree or always present a counter point
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Anonymous
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So I understand this to be quite a common problem, but it flared up in our relationship again today. My spouse bought some $200 face cream, which is fine. However in the bathroom this morning she said this cream is working it must be working so well. Her skin looked great, or I guess it yet I have a hard time really telling the difference. I mean she looked very good, but I am generally suspicious of the claims marketed by cosmetic products in the United States because our FDA really lacks a mechanism to strictly enforce so many wild claims. Essentially, anyone can market a vitamin and say that I can solve such and such a problem, or take away knee pain, as long as they place an asterisk with a disclaimer in small prints it’s the same for cosmetics. Anyway, boring, I know and I digress.
OK, so back to the the issue. There of been times in the past where I frequently disagree with my wife, but I don’t want to feel like I have to walk on egg shells, or always agree with her point of view. I hate having to be worried that she will grow cold, distant, angry or be general over rally annoyed for a long time if I do disagree with her perspective. This happens all the time. I guess maybe this is a product of living together and scar tissue building up overtime and so forth. Because it’s generally doesn’t happen at all with friends. I can disagree with somebody that I know and it’s all good in general isn’t an issue. Some other examples of me disagreeing with my wife, was a fight we got into you a few days ago. Her sister does not have a microwave at her house. She has a child who really wanted a microwave. So the child’s friend but I heard microwave. My wife told me there’s expecting me to be annoyed at the friends mother and a friend because it’s such an intrusion and spiteful gift. I agree that it was messed up that the child or her mother had bought a microwave, but I also found it really amusing in someway because of the whole original argument for not having a microwave. To my wife’s sister believes that microwaves take the nutrients out of food were generally change the molecular structure of food to make it more unhealthy or to potentially have radiation. Give me this claim is so ridiculously laughable, and in In line with so many of the messed up conspiracy theories we see today in the Trump era, that are so annoying, that I said I thought it was funny this little girl just wanted a microwave and it’s nor that big of a problem. My wife said again why don’t you agree with me on this it’s so mean. Would you be annoyed if someone did that to us. And frankly I really wouldn’t be that annoyed. Because I feel that I am more grounded in reason and would not even believe that a microwave causes those sorts of problems. Anyway TLDR my wife and I argue all the time, especially with Covid problems all around us which is probably making everyone else stir crazy as well, but she accuses me of always taking a contrarian stance to what she says. Secretly, I probably do but it’s also because some of the position she’s take just aren’t factual or I just generally really disagree with him. So if anyone else out there has that problem and I’m sure they do I’d like to hear about your experience. Thank you. Also, sorry about any run on sentences I am voice dictating this on my phone. |
Anonymous
| OK, I just reread that and it was incredibly poorly written. Again, I was voice dictating that. The main argument is that my wife accuses me of never taking her side or overly disagreeing when she presents a point. My contention is that I don’t wanna walk on eggshells and if I don’t fuel at the point she’s making is valid I should be able to make a counterpoint or the opposite argument and hopefully we can remain friends. Anyway, she threaten divorce today when I said maybe it was because she got a lot of sleep last night rather than this face cream being the reason her skin looked so glowing today. My personal belief is that water, sleep, low stress is more effective than a face cream, but what do I know? I mean people are obsessed with Korean beauty products apparently. I am just skeptical than any of these face creams actually do all that much. I believe Botox would definitely work, but there are so many companies hocking so many products which is probably have little to no effect. Again, I am a man and I don’t use beauty products so I have no idea. |
Anonymous
| You obviously don't think it's fine that your spouse bought face cream...so...don't say it's fine. |
Anonymous
| Dude, it’s so hard to follow your writing. But yea, tell her about this. |
Anonymous
My impression of the face cream story is that you regularly shut down your wife when she's excited about something. We women know that beauty products aren't miracle products, but if the placebo effect it creates gives us a little pleasure in the moment, why does someone need to ruin it for us? Your wife was feeling content and confident that her skin looked good. Instead of letting her have her moment of happiness, you had to s**t all over it. No, you don't need to walk on eggshells, but if you make a habit of doing this the person on the receiving end is going to feel dejected and like all you do is bring them down. |
Anonymous
It's not that you have to agree with her about everything. But when the thing you choose to vocally disagree with her about is "wow my face looks really good, this cream was worth it!" consider that you might be a shitty husband. |
Anonymous
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You admit that you "probably do" take a contrarian stance all the time. This gets old really fast. My husband often does this, and sometimes it's so nitpicky or tangential that it feels like he's just looking for something to disagree on. It does not feel loving, it feels like you don't respect the other person, you think you know better about everything, you're not on the same team ever.
You don't actually have to share every single thought in your brain. It's not "walking on eggshells" not to share every single disagreement or criticism of your wife with her. No one likes a know-it-all, no one likes the guy who plays devil's advocate all the time. Also, if your wife says she likes the face cream, a normal person would just agree that she looks great. |
Anonymous
| You guys obviously haven't been married very long. Otherwise, your wife would know by now not to talk to you about her face cream. And you would know by now to respond with "yes dear...." |
Anonymous
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I know I'm intelligent, so if my partner wants to disagree with me on a political issue or correct me on a scientific thing he thinks I'm not understanding we can banter and disagree and debate things and all will be good. My intelligence is not threatened.
But I'm insecure about my body and looks so if I need a little ego boot from my partner, as irrational as it is, it's going to hurt more if he doesn't give it. And hurt even more if he confirms my insecurities. You have to pick your battles instead of being the constant contrarian. Learn the things your wife is more sensitive about and ease off on challenging her about those. Especially when it's about something as inconsequential as face cream. |
Anonymous
| WELCOME TO MARRIAGE! |
Anonymous
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What on earth are you talking about? I'm almost genuinely curious about the microwave story because I literally cannot fathom what actually happened there. Your writing provides no clue.
But it seems like you admit to being contrarian to your wife, and in particular she thought she looked good because of her face cream, and you had to shoot her down. "Maybe you don't actually look good, honey," is not a very nice thing to imply. So yes, that's on you. It's not kind. |
Anonymous
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I have no problem with the face cream. I can see how that came across after rereading my post . However, she can buy all the beauty products in the world, but good science tells us that sleep, lots of water, low stress, actual Botox, or dermoabrasion, or staying out of the sun and eating a good diet will work better than some OTC cream in a bottle that claims things that probably amount to a placebo effect on the user. She could spend $500 on a cream, and that’s fine, I just feel I should be able to say hey “you know there’s a ton of false marketing, which is documented by verifiable sources, on the thousands of beauty products out there, and that’s what doctors and experts actually say about this, so your skin looks great hun, but that’s my opinion.”
Anyway, I can definitely see how it’s patronizing and annoying of me to say that, but I guess at the end of the day I should just hold off and let her have her opinion and not say anything. I am getting way too detailed about this. The point being is that she thinks I disagree with her all the time. Perhaps that’s a product of years of marriage. You’re with somebody so often that you know every facet of them and you either grow together or you grow apart. I guess the real issue is converging personalities and give-and-take required for a successful marriage.. I do think that I have hit my limit in the last few years in entertaining or humoring conspiracy theories, anti-intellectualism, and anti-science views. Whether it’s 71 million people believing that Trump had his election stolen from him or that he is a good president, or that microwaves cause cancer or suck all the nutrients out of food or change the chemical composition of water, or that a skin cream actually does all that it claims. Basically, I can take a joke and generally have thick skin, maybe that’s more of a male trait, and I’m sorry I don’t mean to sound misogynistic, end it is my wife’s time of the month, which again I don’t mean to sound misogynistic or patronizing, but she does get annoyed and we you get in more fights around this time, but I want to be able to speak my mind not worry about offending somebody. |
Anonymous
A normal person would not spend $200 on face cream. While I think he sounds like a contrarian ass, I can’t fault him for being dubious about a $200 face cream and think anyone who would indulge that is off their rocker. |
Anonymous
And yet, there you go again. |
Anonymous
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Yea, you are a problem. You need to know there are facts and opinions. Your opinion is not right, it's just an opinion.
Opinion: Creams don't help skin... fact they do. Opinion: $200 creams are the best... fact not really true but who GAF Hey look my amazing $200 skin cream makes me look younger, doesn't it? Yes, you look amazing, but you looked amazing before so I can't tell. But my cream does make my skin look silky, right? Yes. My sister thinks microwaves take nutrients out of food. Interesting Don't you agree Sure, cooking takes nutrition out of food so i guess microwaves do too But microwaves are worse Okay, sure You don't always have to be right. I think there was fraud in the election Almost every person thinks that is untrue It possible right Not really (fact not opinion) Why can't you agree with me Because this is not something that has an opinion, the fact is the election did not have fraud. My sister doesn't think her daughter should have a microwave Then she should not give her a microwave Her friend gave her one If her rule is no microwave then she should not let her have one Don't you agree, no microwaves I like microwaves, but that is just my preference, it' neither right or wrong. |