Can you help me process finding out that sister has become really obese?

[Anonymous]

My sister has been overweight for around a decade, I'd estimate that she has been about 200 lbs (she's 5'1) over the last couple of years. A family member just shared some photos from 2 weeks ago and my sister has clearly gained even more weight in the last few months, which I did not notice during our occasional FaceTime calls. She has clearly become morbidly obese, perhaps in the range of 240+ pounds, and I was stunned and worried to see her like this.

I know that logically, the appropriate course of action is for me to say nothing. And not even "try to be helpful" with supportive suggestions etc. I should MYOB as the right thing to do, so I will. But I'm worried and somewhat surprised she would let herself get this much overweight, so I'm wishing I could help her get to a healthy weight, and I'm looking for advice on how to channel these emotions instead of acting on them. I suppose when I'm Facetiming her in the future, I just need to smile and act as if nothing is amiss, even if I feel it's fake on my part.

As far as I'm aware, she has no separate health issues. Her family life and her job, as far as I am aware, are stable; kids are teens.It just seems like she has gotten to a point where she is powerless to help herself, which is another part of what stuns me--she has typically been quite put together.
Sadly, one of our wonderful parents died a few years ago from complications due to being overweight (was very overweight for 20+ years). I just do not see things going well for my sister from here (if nothing improves much) and it saddens me.

I expect some people will flame me (this being DCUM) for being a body-shamer, but I don't have any issue with celebrating full-figured people. Rather, I have seen firsthand how being very obese takes its toll on someone's health (in so many ways...including leading to a somewhat early death) once they are middle aged and older. It feels so preventable.
Looking for suggestions on how to process this, since I really don't want to be discussing it with other family members, and I'd feel gossipy if I spoke to my friends about it, I guess. So I am hoping people here might have useful insight/perspective. Thank you in advance.

[Anonymous]

As someone who was overweight (not obese) I’m short too. 5’2 and I gained 50+ pounds in the span of a year. I had everyone from my mom and dad, to her best friend, my MIL, my cousin, point out how much I had gained weight. Not all of it was nice some was “wow you’re so fat now” from my cousin who loves to see people’s reactions to what he says. MIL was somewhat kind and told me to diet and limit eating. None of it was helpful. I spent another year eating like shit and never exercising. For me it wasn’t the people telling me I was fat. It was that one day I was tired of the way I looked and felt. Then, I decided to do something about it. In your sisters case she’s definitely morbidly obese and with the track history of your parent passing away due to that, I see your concern. For my family members and friends it seemed to be more of a vanity issue rather than them caring about my health. My mom even told everyone I was pregnant at one point. Anyway, even if you offer help or advice she might not take it or not be ready to get her life on track. She’ll do it when she’s ready. Or she may not.

[Anonymous]

Some crazy high percentage of morbidly obese people in the range of your sister have a history of sexual trauma and abuse. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

I’m not clear what there is for you to process. Your sister has not asked you for any help or discussed any concerns that she has with you. How would you want someone to treat you based on concerns and conclusions that they developed based on seeing a photograph? Maybe think about what kind of help you’re willing to offer your sister — and cultivate the kind of relationship with her that might make the help that you’re willing to commit to feel welcome.

[Anonymous]

Be the one person in her family that does not comment about her weight or give her suggestions on how to lose it. You don’t need to process anything except how to be kind.

[Anonymous]

“It feels so preventable” but it’s really not. Preventable, yes. But not SO preventable as if it’s easy. It’s extraordinarily difficult to lose and then keep off large amounts of weight. That’s a fact. The constant vigilance, deprivation, and mental energy required to be thin or average sized when your body and mind are fighting you is just not something some people are willing or able to take on.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have practical advice but get where you are coming from OP. My sister has gained a ton of weight in the past year and I really worry about her and wish there is something I could do to help. She’s clearly unhappy and unable or unwilling to participate in things that once brought her joy. She has health issues that are both exacerbated by the weight and contribute to its gain. It’s not the weight per se that is upsetting, but That she clearly is putting herself last to her own physical and emotional detriment — a trait that goes hand in hand with her caring personality but which has gotten kind of extreme. I tred very carefully. We’ve never really spoken about weight (growing up she was the effortlessly skinny sister and I was the heavier one Who had to work to stay a healthy weight - which ironically I think helped me develop healthier habits). My instinct is to encourage her to do more for herself (set boundaries with kids and husband, who she bends over backwards for, hire a cleaner when clearly they have enough money to do so, go easy on herself on job-guilt that she isn’t doing enough to help the vulnerable populations she serves) but I’m sensitive that anything I say there might also come across as a criticism. Clearly she’s not in a good place right now and it’s hard as her sister to watch from the sidelines and not know how I can help.

[Anonymous]

She'll do something about it if and when she is ready. I promise you that she is aware and doesn't need comments or remarks from "helpful" family. There is nothing for you to "process". It's NOT about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“It feels so preventable” but it’s really not. Preventable, yes. But not SO preventable as if it’s easy. It’s extraordinarily difficult to lose and then keep off large amounts of weight. That’s a fact. The constant vigilance, deprivation, and mental energy required to be thin or average sized when your body and mind are fighting you is just not something some people are willing or able to take on.

PP and yes. For some of us it's not that easy. I've lost about 100 pounds now and it's a daily, all day every day, struggle to stay this way. My life revolves around it in a way that's pretty exhausting and has for awhile now. It never goes away or really gets any easier. I'm determined to stay this way but it's a lot. Maybe that is something you could "process", OP, as you struggle through trying to accept that your sister is fat.

[Anonymous]

Wait until you can see her face to face and have a little talk with her. Maybe she will need your help.

So many people don't want to say anything to their loved ones about their weight, I think you should absolutely say something. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you can see her face to face and have a little talk with her. Maybe she will need your help.

So many people don't want to say anything to their loved ones about their weight, I think you should absolutely say something. Good luck

What do you think OP should say? I’m sure her sister is aware that she has gained weight. She hardly needs the added stress of her sister’s “worry”. So what sort of things should the OP “absolutely “ say? And what would the goals of such a “little talk” be?

[Anonymous]

MYOB

[Anonymous]

I would assume she’s depressed. You piling on about her weight will likely result in the opposite of her slimming down. I would focus on ways to perk her up.

[Anonymous]

Photographs can be quite deceptive, and I would not decide that someone had gained a lot of weight based on one photograph. At any rate, your notion that this is so preventable is absurd. Please just stop. She has a lifelong issue with her weight. Even if she loses a significant amount of weight, maintaining weight loss is going to be a battle. So just put aside any notion that your sister is going to have a normal relationship with food, ever.

Secondly, no one is asking you to celebrate her weight. That's not what the no body shaming movement is about. It's your over-the-top "OMIGOD" reaction that is what the body shaming movement is all about. That you can't see a photo of your sister without losing your shit and making this all about yourself and your reaction. And I don't buy for a minute that you won't discuss this with your friends because you don't want to be "gossipy." Please. Get off your shame shitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Photographs can be quite deceptive, and I would not decide that someone had gained a lot of weight based on one photograph. At any rate, your notion that this is so preventable is absurd. Please just stop. She has a lifelong issue with her weight. Even if she loses a significant amount of weight, maintaining weight loss is going to be a battle. So just put aside any notion that your sister is going to have a normal relationship with food, ever.

Secondly, no one is asking you to celebrate her weight. That's not what the no body shaming movement is about. It's your over-the-top "OMIGOD" reaction that is what the body shaming movement is all about. That you can't see a photo of your sister without losing your shit and making this all about yourself and your reaction. And I don't buy for a minute that you won't discuss this with your friends because you don't want to be "gossipy." Please. Get off your shame shitting.

This. I'm kind of shocked, although nothing should surprise me at this point, that you're trying to steer the ship to make your sister's weight gain about you and your need to "process". What?