Can you help me process finding out that sister has become really obese?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a similar situation. Live in different countries.

I brought it up when we saw each other in person for the first time in years. Verbalized 'I am worried about you' and 'what can I do to help you/support you'.

She wasn't ready to hear it/do anything about it. She denied any issue (she was out of breath walking upstairs- really huffing and puffing- but denied it) and called it 'a couple pounds I think'...we were out shopping at one point and both liked the same item and she said 'oh if it fits you, it will fit me- we are the same size' (we were/give and take, growing up- both about a size 8) and I said 'I don't think we are- try this' and she couldn't get it on one arm and looked confused/got quiet. It actually messed with my mind and I ended up asking my MIL and DH if we were the same size (when we were alone). It was a resounding no.

It made me realize that she really is delusional and perhaps the clothing not fitting us both was a wakeup call. She also tried to borrow a bathing suit- so I let her. She said 'It didn't look good on me' and wore her own, so again, I hoped she was processing/ready for a change. I'm still an 8 (bust and hips) and she has to be... I don't know how large clothes get... but several of her tops said XXL or XXXL- so whatever that corresponds to. She made a few comments about clothing being sized smaller these days and clothing she had owned for years suddenly shrinking in the wash. I advised I had not had that experience. Several times I noticed she would decline food/snacks/desert, but then she would be 'sneaking' something later or food amounts would change/containers would be in the garbage.

After that visit over the next few weeks to check in with her plans to 'join a gym' 'exercise more' and 'eat better'... I advised concrete goals, not general ones but suggestions just couldn't get to a micro-level with her- it was all pie in the sky. This was Xmas, then Covid happened. So she has happily reported no change. It's sad but I just plan on periodically letting her know "I am worried about you" and "how can I support you".

I'm still kind of grieving the situation and trying to reconcile the person I knew and the person she is. I don't want to attack her beliefs and I barely challenged them.... and it was water off a duck's back. I work in health care and am aware of recognizing and eliciting signs that a person is interested/ready/able to change and she is JUST not there.

You’re “grieving” someone else’s weight gain. As you describe this to a group of anonymous strangers, you find it necessary to give a intricately detailed description of your own size compared to hers — ‘cause: “grief”. Get thee to a therapist. Your “worry” could be better spent on your “grief”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone feels the need to comment on my weight I will consider it open season to make a similar critique about their body. It’s really rude. Do you want someone to have a talk with you about your crooked teeth (get braces!) ugly talons for toes (no pedicure?!), wrinkles (can’t you get botox?)??

Yes. I am 'Having a hard time processing' the fact that my SIL is so abysmally stupid. She never reads, doesn't follow the news and seems to be addicted to reality television. I'm thinking about staging an intervention and offering to help. I feel that she must have some deep seated trauma which has caused her to withdraw from the world and forsake all interest in the events transpiring around her. Maybe she just doesn't realize how dumb she's gotten and it would be really helpful for me to point it out to her.