Can you help me process finding out that sister has become really obese?
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Anonymous
| OP, if one of your parents died from being extremely obese, there is a chance your sister inherited those genes that make her more prone to gain weight. If I ate like my sibling, I wouldn't be able to get through the door of my house, for example. They don't have a weight problem, but I do. Other things that can cause massive weight gain: antidepressants and undiagnosed thyroid issues. |
Anonymous
| I love how you claim she has gone from 200 to 240 based on some photos you saw, and now you need to come to DCUM to "process how you feel"? What a sad existence you must have. |
Anonymous
| Absolutely MYOB. I am overweight and I know I'm overweight. I also know I have gained weight during the covid time. I was not abused and I am not depressed. I just like food and eat to much of it. If someone in my family or friends pointed out to me that I had gained weight it would really hurt my feelings and it would make me less likely to want to talk to that person. Every time I talked to them I would know they are judging me for my weight. I know you want to help but it is much more likely you will hurt your relationship by pointing out the obvious. |
Anonymous
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Op here. Thanks to all who shared thoughtful comments and constructive suggestions. Several other posters seem to have missed my original comment that I am NOT going to make any comments about her weight gain or try to intervene with unsolicited weight-loss “help”.
Others criticized me for not minding my own business and for making this about me. You’ve also missed the point: I care about her and want her to live a life that is not encumbered by Health problems that can just worsen. Wanting to help, but knowing there’s a limited amount I can do, is frustrating hence my interest in suggestions. I like the suggestion to keep in touch and in general ask what she is up to. I also like the idea of suggesting that she put herself first—which can only come across as a non-intrusive suggestion if I’m really listening to her and hear any thought from her end about her being stressed etc. just to clarify, she has not had a lifelong battle with her weight and she hasn’t had a lifelong unhealthy relationship with food. She was a healthy weight until her early 30s. However, I appreciate the comment from a PP about how much a struggle it is to lose weight. I imagine that it’s hard to stay active and have enough energy to burn more calories, and hard to cook healthy meals all the time if there is a busy household. |
Anonymous
So much this. I once lost 75 pounds on Weight Watchers but, maybe thanks to genetics or what have you, losing that meant never deviating from the strictest form of the program at that time (no flex points, no eating activity points, lots of exercise). Maintaining was much harder. I could barely add in calories and was working out almost 2 1/2 hours a day. When I had kids I couldn't devote that kind of time and mental energy. I gained it all back plus some. I still exercise. I'm still relatively careful about what I eat. It sucks to be fat, but it sucks more having your life feel consumed by struggling with weight. FWIW, both of my parents were 100+ pounds overweight, as are/were all my siblings. My siblings seem to be on the same weight loss journeys. |
Anonymous
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This sounds like trolling. You say you've seen firsthand what happens to a morbidly obese parent, but you think your sister ... hasn't? I'm not sure why you're "stunned" that she put on extra weight during a pandemic in which gyms are closed and everyone is stressed out. She's been overweight for 10+ years and is short, so it makes sense that she might continue to gain weight.
Assuming you are in your 40s or so, this is the age when people start to develop health issues: breast and colon cancers, high blood pressure, arthritis, bone loss, autoimmune diseases. Some you can see and some you can't. Some are lifestyle issues, but most are genetic. Menopause does a number on many women. Parents are getting old, maybe dementia, Parkinson's, hearing loss. It's depressing as shit if you let it get to you, so just calm down and love your sister for who she is and be grateful for the good health that you enjoy today. |
Anonymous
THis. |
Anonymous
+1 to this. Whether it's the result of a previous trauma, or stress or anxiety or depression, or the result of being unable to do normal activities because of the pandemic (which, frankly, is a source of stress and anxiety and depression), or relationship problems -- the thing to focus on is whether your sister is happy or whether she is struggling with something. And that's the thing you can help with. Ask her how she's doing, how she's holding up in these crazy times, and then really listen. Be a safe person to talk to. Don't judge. Let her know that she always has someone in her corner. That's how you can "process" your feelings about your sister's weight. She knows how much she weighs. She knows how much she's gained. She knows it's not healthy. There is nothing you can say that she doesn't already know. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| All you can do is listen to her when you ask "How are you feeling these days?". There is NOTHING you can say. |
Anonymous
this. My sister is somewhere between 350-400 pounds. She knows she's obese, she has mirrors and she even works in healthcare. If she wants to try to lose then I am all for being supportive whether it's exercising with her, fixing healthy food when she's over here, or just listening to her struggles. But she doesn't need me to tell her she's fat, ever. She doesn't need me to have some sort of come to Jesus discussion, like I am her savior. I am not her enabler but I am also not here to shame her. It's 100% up to my sister to lose weight. There is nothing I can say or do to change her. It has to be with her. Same for your sister. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. Also injuries can really put weight on also sleep apnea. |
Anonymous
OP here. Just to clarify...since I'm concerned you might think I was a troll! (if only this was a fake situation....)
No, I didn't say (or mean to imply) that my sister hasn't any idea of how morbid obesity impacted our parent. I mentioned my experience with the obese parent's health decline to provide the context of why I find it difficult to see a loved one so overweight--it is because I would not want her quality of life to suffer in the same way. (Strokes can be awful  )
Second, I don't mean 'stunned' in terms of being incredulous that she gained weight during the pandemic...it is easy to understand that the pandemic's disruption/stress can have negative effects like this. The stunning thing was noticing the degree of weight gain since I've last seen her in person. The photos showed her full body in front of other family members, which made her current size clear, and since we've mostly FaceTimed over the last year or so, I hadn't seen that before. So it wasn't that I was incredulous that she'd gained weight, but that there was such a dramatic difference, which gave me a worried emotion that I describe as stunned. Finally, I do agree with you about middle age, menopause, possibly genetic aspect, and focusing on the overall goal of just being supportive and loving. Since other PPs have pointed out the overwhelming difficulty of losing weight, that was helpful for me to understand that it's probably a struggle to address her weight even if she has been actively trying, and how utterly discouraging it might be. I learned from having the obese parent (who was not as obese as my sister has become) that pleading or bringing it up often doesn't work, nor do well-intentioned efforts to help like getting nice/fun workout gear. She's got to drive the change herself. I highly doubt my sister has trauma, but whatever the underlying issue, things must be difficult for her, so my concern for her health has now been been eclipsed, or perhaps balanced, by concerns that she needs overall supportiveness, and a plan to do that as best as I can. No critiques or judgment. Overall, many of these responses have been just the kind of help I was hoping for from DCUM. Helping me translate my concerns into something other than worry or inappropriate action. Hopefully showing more care and general support towards her will enrich our relationship as well. Thanks, PPs. 
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Anonymous
| ^^oh, just to add, that with my overweight parent, I did all those things (pleading etc) when I was a teenager, so I've learned since then. |
Anonymous
| Why do you doubt she has trauma? Trauma is so incredibly common. TBH, that as much as anything here makes you sound out of touch with reality. |