Can you help me process finding out that sister has become really obese?

[Anonymous]

If someone feels the need to comment on my weight I will consider it open season to make a similar critique about their body. It’s really rude. Do you want someone to have a talk with you about your crooked teeth (get braces!) ugly talons for toes (no pedicure?!), wrinkles (can’t you get botox?)??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely MYOB. I am overweight and I know I'm overweight. I also know I have gained weight during the covid time. I was not abused and I am not depressed. I just like food and eat to much of it. If someone in my family or friends pointed out to me that I had gained weight it would really hurt my feelings and it would make me less likely to want to talk to that person. Every time I talked to them I would know they are judging me for my weight. I know you want to help but it is much more likely you will hurt your relationship by pointing out the obvious.

+1

I'm amused at all these remarks that weight gain=trauma. Sometimes, food just tastes good. Eat an extra 100 calories a day and you'll gain roughly 10 lbs in a year. OP, the answer is you don't say anything.

[Anonymous]

Had a similar situation. Live in different countries.

I brought it up when we saw each other in person for the first time in years. Verbalized 'I am worried about you' and 'what can I do to help you/support you'.

She wasn't ready to hear it/do anything about it. She denied any issue (she was out of breath walking upstairs- really huffing and puffing- but denied it) and called it 'a couple pounds I think'...we were out shopping at one point and both liked the same item and she said 'oh if it fits you, it will fit me- we are the same size' (we were/give and take, growing up- both about a size 8) and I said 'I don't think we are- try this' and she couldn't get it on one arm and looked confused/got quiet. It actually messed with my mind and I ended up asking my MIL and DH if we were the same size (when we were alone). It was a resounding no.

It made me realize that she really is delusional and perhaps the clothing not fitting us both was a wakeup call. She also tried to borrow a bathing suit- so I let her. She said 'It didn't look good on me' and wore her own, so again, I hoped she was processing/ready for a change. I'm still an 8 (bust and hips) and she has to be... I don't know how large clothes get... but several of her tops said XXL or XXXL- so whatever that corresponds to. She made a few comments about clothing being sized smaller these days and clothing she had owned for years suddenly shrinking in the wash. I advised I had not had that experience. Several times I noticed she would decline food/snacks/desert, but then she would be 'sneaking' something later or food amounts would change/containers would be in the garbage.

After that visit over the next few weeks to check in with her plans to 'join a gym' 'exercise more' and 'eat better'... I advised concrete goals, not general ones but suggestions just couldn't get to a micro-level with her- it was all pie in the sky. This was Xmas, then Covid happened. So she has happily reported no change. It's sad but I just plan on periodically letting her know "I am worried about you" and "how can I support you".

I'm still kind of grieving the situation and trying to reconcile the person I knew and the person she is. I don't want to attack her beliefs and I barely challenged them.... and it was water off a duck's back. I work in health care and am aware of recognizing and eliciting signs that a person is interested/ready/able to change and she is JUST not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a similar situation. Live in different countries.

I brought it up when we saw each other in person for the first time in years. Verbalized 'I am worried about you' and 'what can I do to help you/support you'.

She wasn't ready to hear it/do anything about it. She denied any issue (she was out of breath walking upstairs- really huffing and puffing- but denied it) and called it 'a couple pounds I think'...we were out shopping at one point and both liked the same item and she said 'oh if it fits you, it will fit me- we are the same size' (we were/give and take, growing up- both about a size 8) and I said 'I don't think we are- try this' and she couldn't get it on one arm and looked confused/got quiet. It actually messed with my mind and I ended up asking my MIL and DH if we were the same size (when we were alone). It was a resounding no.

It made me realize that she really is delusional and perhaps the clothing not fitting us both was a wakeup call. She also tried to borrow a bathing suit- so I let her. She said 'It didn't look good on me' and wore her own, so again, I hoped she was processing/ready for a change. I'm still an 8 (bust and hips) and she has to be... I don't know how large clothes get... but several of her tops said XXL or XXXL- so whatever that corresponds to. She made a few comments about clothing being sized smaller these days and clothing she had owned for years suddenly shrinking in the wash. I advised I had not had that experience. Several times I noticed she would decline food/snacks/desert, but then she would be 'sneaking' something later or food amounts would change/containers would be in the garbage.

After that visit over the next few weeks to check in with her plans to 'join a gym' 'exercise more' and 'eat better'... I advised concrete goals, not general ones but suggestions just couldn't get to a micro-level with her- it was all pie in the sky. This was Xmas, then Covid happened. So she has happily reported no change. It's sad but I just plan on periodically letting her know "I am worried about you" and "how can I support you".

I'm still kind of grieving the situation and trying to reconcile the person I knew and the person she is. I don't want to attack her beliefs and I barely challenged them.... and it was water off a duck's back. I work in health care and am aware of recognizing and eliciting signs that a person is interested/ready/able to change and she is JUST not there.

Aren't you a peach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a similar situation. Live in different countries.

I brought it up when we saw each other in person for the first time in years. Verbalized 'I am worried about you' and 'what can I do to help you/support you'.

She wasn't ready to hear it/do anything about it. She denied any issue (she was out of breath walking upstairs- really huffing and puffing- but denied it) and called it 'a couple pounds I think'...we were out shopping at one point and both liked the same item and she said 'oh if it fits you, it will fit me- we are the same size' (we were/give and take, growing up- both about a size 8) and I said 'I don't think we are- try this' and she couldn't get it on one arm and looked confused/got quiet. It actually messed with my mind and I ended up asking my MIL and DH if we were the same size (when we were alone). It was a resounding no.

It made me realize that she really is delusional and perhaps the clothing not fitting us both was a wakeup call. She also tried to borrow a bathing suit- so I let her. She said 'It didn't look good on me' and wore her own, so again, I hoped she was processing/ready for a change. I'm still an 8 (bust and hips) and she has to be... I don't know how large clothes get... but several of her tops said XXL or XXXL- so whatever that corresponds to. She made a few comments about clothing being sized smaller these days and clothing she had owned for years suddenly shrinking in the wash. I advised I had not had that experience. Several times I noticed she would decline food/snacks/desert, but then she would be 'sneaking' something later or food amounts would change/containers would be in the garbage.

After that visit over the next few weeks to check in with her plans to 'join a gym' 'exercise more' and 'eat better'... I advised concrete goals, not general ones but suggestions just couldn't get to a micro-level with her- it was all pie in the sky. This was Xmas, then Covid happened. So she has happily reported no change. It's sad but I just plan on periodically letting her know "I am worried about you" and "how can I support you".

I'm still kind of grieving the situation and trying to reconcile the person I knew and the person she is. I don't want to attack her beliefs and I barely challenged them.... and it was water off a duck's back. I work in health care and am aware of recognizing and eliciting signs that a person is interested/ready/able to change and she is JUST not there.

Omg just leave the poor girl alone. You are not helpful, you are judgemental and no you are not better than her for being a size 8 because you have other issues that you are obviously unaware you have as can be shown in your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a similar situation. Live in different countries.

I brought it up when we saw each other in person for the first time in years. Verbalized 'I am worried about you' and 'what can I do to help you/support you'.

She wasn't ready to hear it/do anything about it. She denied any issue (she was out of breath walking upstairs- really huffing and puffing- but denied it) and called it 'a couple pounds I think'...we were out shopping at one point and both liked the same item and she said 'oh if it fits you, it will fit me- we are the same size' (we were/give and take, growing up- both about a size 8) and I said 'I don't think we are- try this' and she couldn't get it on one arm and looked confused/got quiet. It actually messed with my mind and I ended up asking my MIL and DH if we were the same size (when we were alone). It was a resounding no.

It made me realize that she really is delusional and perhaps the clothing not fitting us both was a wakeup call. She also tried to borrow a bathing suit- so I let her. She said 'It didn't look good on me' and wore her own, so again, I hoped she was processing/ready for a change. I'm still an 8 (bust and hips) and she has to be... I don't know how large clothes get... but several of her tops said XXL or XXXL- so whatever that corresponds to. She made a few comments about clothing being sized smaller these days and clothing she had owned for years suddenly shrinking in the wash. I advised I had not had that experience. Several times I noticed she would decline food/snacks/desert, but then she would be 'sneaking' something later or food amounts would change/containers would be in the garbage.

After that visit over the next few weeks to check in with her plans to 'join a gym' 'exercise more' and 'eat better'... I advised concrete goals, not general ones but suggestions just couldn't get to a micro-level with her- it was all pie in the sky. This was Xmas, then Covid happened. So she has happily reported no change. It's sad but I just plan on periodically letting her know "I am worried about you" and "how can I support you".

I'm still kind of grieving the situation and trying to reconcile the person I knew and the person she is. I don't want to attack her beliefs and I barely challenged them.... and it was water off a duck's back. I work in health care and am aware of recognizing and eliciting signs that a person is interested/ready/able to change and she is JUST not there.

Your poor sister.

[Anonymous]

I'm not overweight, but I just don't get what people think is going to magically happen when they ask family members "How can I help you and support you with your weight problem?" This is so vague and at the same time so condescending, as if the overweight person were assumed to be terribly unhappy and unable to function, and had no life other than being overweight. And the overweight person must provide you with an agenda, pronto, to give you steps to "help" them? Please. It just sounds so unbelievably absurd.

Please go to an Al-Anon meeting, OP, and others of your ilk. Stop with the preaching, stop with the concern trolling, and stop with the virtue signalling. You are all useless and what you are doing is not a good look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a similar situation. Live in different countries.

I brought it up when we saw each other in person for the first time in years. Verbalized 'I am worried about you' and 'what can I do to help you/support you'.

She wasn't ready to hear it/do anything about it. She denied any issue (she was out of breath walking upstairs- really huffing and puffing- but denied it) and called it 'a couple pounds I think'...we were out shopping at one point and both liked the same item and she said 'oh if it fits you, it will fit me- we are the same size' (we were/give and take, growing up- both about a size 8) and I said 'I don't think we are- try this' and she couldn't get it on one arm and looked confused/got quiet. It actually messed with my mind and I ended up asking my MIL and DH if we were the same size (when we were alone). It was a resounding no.

It made me realize that she really is delusional and perhaps the clothing not fitting us both was a wakeup call. She also tried to borrow a bathing suit- so I let her. She said 'It didn't look good on me' and wore her own, so again, I hoped she was processing/ready for a change. I'm still an 8 (bust and hips) and she has to be... I don't know how large clothes get... but several of her tops said XXL or XXXL- so whatever that corresponds to. She made a few comments about clothing being sized smaller these days and clothing she had owned for years suddenly shrinking in the wash. I advised I had not had that experience. Several times I noticed she would decline food/snacks/desert, but then she would be 'sneaking' something later or food amounts would change/containers would be in the garbage.

After that visit over the next few weeks to check in with her plans to 'join a gym' 'exercise more' and 'eat better'... I advised concrete goals, not general ones but suggestions just couldn't get to a micro-level with her- it was all pie in the sky. This was Xmas, then Covid happened. So she has happily reported no change. It's sad but I just plan on periodically letting her know "I am worried about you" and "how can I support you".

I'm still kind of grieving the situation and trying to reconcile the person I knew and the person she is. I don't want to attack her beliefs and I barely challenged them.... and it was water off a duck's back. I work in health care and am aware of recognizing and eliciting signs that a person is interested/ready/able to change and she is JUST not there.

Aren't you a peach.

Wow, wow, wow. First poster, you are a really unhappy and unhealthy person. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a similar situation. Live in different countries.

I brought it up when we saw each other in person for the first time in years. Verbalized 'I am worried about you' and 'what can I do to help you/support you'.

She wasn't ready to hear it/do anything about it. She denied any issue (she was out of breath walking upstairs- really huffing and puffing- but denied it) and called it 'a couple pounds I think'...we were out shopping at one point and both liked the same item and she said 'oh if it fits you, it will fit me- we are the same size' (we were/give and take, growing up- both about a size 8) and I said 'I don't think we are- try this' and she couldn't get it on one arm and looked confused/got quiet. It actually messed with my mind and I ended up asking my MIL and DH if we were the same size (when we were alone). It was a resounding no.

It made me realize that she really is delusional and perhaps the clothing not fitting us both was a wakeup call. She also tried to borrow a bathing suit- so I let her. She said 'It didn't look good on me' and wore her own, so again, I hoped she was processing/ready for a change. I'm still an 8 (bust and hips) and she has to be... I don't know how large clothes get... but several of her tops said XXL or XXXL- so whatever that corresponds to. She made a few comments about clothing being sized smaller these days and clothing she had owned for years suddenly shrinking in the wash. I advised I had not had that experience. Several times I noticed she would decline food/snacks/desert, but then she would be 'sneaking' something later or food amounts would change/containers would be in the garbage.

After that visit over the next few weeks to check in with her plans to 'join a gym' 'exercise more' and 'eat better'... I advised concrete goals, not general ones but suggestions just couldn't get to a micro-level with her- it was all pie in the sky. This was Xmas, then Covid happened. So she has happily reported no change. It's sad but I just plan on periodically letting her know "I am worried about you" and "how can I support you".

I'm still kind of grieving the situation and trying to reconcile the person I knew and the person she is. I don't want to attack her beliefs and I barely challenged them.... and it was water off a duck's back. I work in health care and am aware of recognizing and eliciting signs that a person is interested/ready/able to change and she is JUST not there.

[Anonymous]

I love how the main points of this thread have nothing to do with helping the sister but helping OP "process" that OP is so unfortunate as to have a fat relative.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is obese and it's gotten worse since COVID. She has three little kids.

There is no way that I would say a thing. She obviously knows she's obese. She doesn't like it. What would be the point of bringing it up? To pour salt on the wound? Like someone's words are magically going to change things for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not overweight, but I just don't get what people think is going to magically happen when they ask family members "How can I help you and support you with your weight problem?" This is so vague and at the same time so condescending, as if the overweight person were assumed to be terribly unhappy and unable to function, and had no life other than being overweight. And the overweight person must provide you with an agenda, pronto, to give you steps to "help" them? Please. It just sounds so unbelievably absurd.

Please go to an Al-Anon meeting, OP, and others of your ilk. Stop with the preaching, stop with the concern trolling, and stop with the virtue signalling. You are all useless and what you are doing is not a good look.

+1000

[Anonymous]

I could be your sister.

I was a healthy weight growing up. Then lost a ton of weight after high school and dropped to 90 pounds. Treatment for an ED and then I hoovered between 120-130 pounds for a few years. Right around the time I got married I ballooned up to 150-165 pounds. Then over the course of a year gained more weight. I was 200 pounds. 5 years later and I'm 235 although this weight gain happened quickly.

My biggest problem is knowing what to do but being so discouraged.

Hormonal problems? Yes. Trauma and abuse? Yes.

Do I overeat? Of course but not as much as you would think to be this weight. My biggest problem is I'm so ashamed of my body that I don't want to leave the house. I used to do yoga everyday and walk for miles. I know what it felt like to be active in a healthy body. I get so in my head about how it looks and feels in this body. It also hurts. My calves hurt walking. I'm no longer flexible for yoga. If I moved my body even a little it would make a huge difference.

I know this. Your sister knows her story.

Don't say anything.

[Anonymous]

Process what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a similar situation. Live in different countries.

I brought it up when we saw each other in person for the first time in years. Verbalized 'I am worried about you' and 'what can I do to help you/support you'.

She wasn't ready to hear it/do anything about it. She denied any issue (she was out of breath walking upstairs- really huffing and puffing- but denied it) and called it 'a couple pounds I think'...we were out shopping at one point and both liked the same item and she said 'oh if it fits you, it will fit me- we are the same size' (we were/give and take, growing up- both about a size 8) and I said 'I don't think we are- try this' and she couldn't get it on one arm and looked confused/got quiet. It actually messed with my mind and I ended up asking my MIL and DH if we were the same size (when we were alone). It was a resounding no.

It made me realize that she really is delusional and perhaps the clothing not fitting us both was a wakeup call. She also tried to borrow a bathing suit- so I let her. She said 'It didn't look good on me' and wore her own, so again, I hoped she was processing/ready for a change. I'm still an 8 (bust and hips) and she has to be... I don't know how large clothes get... but several of her tops said XXL or XXXL- so whatever that corresponds to. She made a few comments about clothing being sized smaller these days and clothing she had owned for years suddenly shrinking in the wash. I advised I had not had that experience. Several times I noticed she would decline food/snacks/desert, but then she would be 'sneaking' something later or food amounts would change/containers would be in the garbage.

After that visit over the next few weeks to check in with her plans to 'join a gym' 'exercise more' and 'eat better'... I advised concrete goals, not general ones but suggestions just couldn't get to a micro-level with her- it was all pie in the sky. This was Xmas, then Covid happened. So she has happily reported no change. It's sad but I just plan on periodically letting her know "I am worried about you" and "how can I support you".

I'm still kind of grieving the situation and trying to reconcile the person I knew and the person she is. I don't want to attack her beliefs and I barely challenged them.... and it was water off a duck's back. I work in health care and am aware of recognizing and eliciting signs that a person is interested/ready/able to change and she is JUST not there.

Wow, the PP who wrote they sounds like a JERK. Grieving? Give me a break.