Can you help me process finding out that sister has become really obese?

[Anonymous]

We're pretty close, our family tends to know each other's business, and I've known other people who have had trauma. While everyone manifests this differently, I have never seen anything in her behavior that even suggests it. I gave this idea some thought after it was suggested earlier and still can't find any clues suggesting that this could be the case.
Why are you so insistent that trauma has to be an underlying factor? I don't doubt that trauma can cause weight gain, but so can a lot of other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“It feels so preventable” but it’s really not. Preventable, yes. But not SO preventable as if it’s easy. It’s extraordinarily difficult to lose and then keep off large amounts of weight. That’s a fact. The constant vigilance, deprivation, and mental energy required to be thin or average sized when your body and mind are fighting you is just not something some people are willing or able to take on.

PP and yes. For some of us it's not that easy. I've lost about 100 pounds now and it's a daily, all day every day, struggle to stay this way. My life revolves around it in a way that's pretty exhausting and has for awhile now. It never goes away or really gets any easier. I'm determined to stay this way but it's a lot. Maybe that is something you could "process", OP, as you struggle through trying to accept that your sister is fat.

So much this. I once lost 75 pounds on Weight Watchers but, maybe thanks to genetics or what have you, losing that meant never deviating from the strictest form of the program at that time (no flex points, no eating activity points, lots of exercise). Maintaining was much harder. I could barely add in calories and was working out almost 2 1/2 hours a day. When I had kids I couldn't devote that kind of time and mental energy. I gained it all back plus some. I still exercise. I'm still relatively careful about what I eat. It sucks to be fat, but it sucks more having your life feel consumed by struggling with weight. FWIW, both of my parents were 100+ pounds overweight, as are/were all my siblings. My siblings seem to be on the same weight loss journeys.

+1 I’ve lost 100 pounds on Weight Watchers and I am very close to being overweight instead of obese but I’ve been stuck at the same weight since November. I’ve been tracking everything and it’s very discouraging. But if I would stop trying I would gain back every pound. I have decided that the only thing left I can think of to cut back is too much fruit. It’s hard but I am only doing the plan in a way that I feel that I have a chance at maintaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks to all who shared thoughtful comments and constructive suggestions. Several other posters seem to have missed my original comment that I am NOT going to make any comments about her weight gain or try to intervene with unsolicited weight-loss “help”.
Others criticized me for not minding my own business and for making this about me. You’ve also missed the point: I care about her and want her to live a life that is not encumbered by Health problems that can just worsen. Wanting to help, but knowing there’s a limited amount I can do, is frustrating hence my interest in suggestions.
I like the suggestion to keep in touch and in general ask what she is up to. I also like the idea of suggesting that she put herself first—which can only come across as a non-intrusive suggestion if I’m really listening to her and hear any thought from her end about her being stressed etc.
just to clarify, she has not had a lifelong battle with her weight and she hasn’t had a lifelong unhealthy relationship with food. She was a healthy weight until her early 30s. However, I appreciate the comment from a PP about how much a struggle it is to lose weight. I imagine that it’s hard to stay active and have enough energy to burn more calories, and hard to cook healthy meals all the time if there is a busy household.

Honestly OP? As a woman who has struggled her whole life to weigh enough...you're sounding judge-y, not concerned. I think you need to stay in your lane and worry less about her weight and more about why you are so focused on something you can't control and it isn't even on your plate so to speak. If she has gained weight, she is aware of it just as I am always aware when my weight has creeped too low.

FYI that if someone spontaneously told me that I should "put myself first" I would probably want to sock them in the face. That is a pretty strong reaction from me considering that normally I'm a really Zen person. Just the phrase makes my skin crawl because it is so patronizing.

[Anonymous]

It's hard not to think of something if you are focused on not thinking it or saying it. The brain fixates on what you are trying to avoid!

Instead, find 5 or 6 other things to focus on. You can even write them down -- ask about her gardening, find out what books she is reading, ask whether she still plays the flute, share a memory about Grandpa's scary Halloween decorations, etc. That sort of thing. Go in with ideas to focus on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard not to think of something if you are focused on not thinking it or saying it. The brain fixates on what you are trying to avoid!

Instead, find 5 or 6 other things to focus on. You can even write them down -- ask about her gardening, find out what books she is reading, ask whether she still plays the flute, share a memory about Grandpa's scary Halloween decorations, etc. That sort of thing. Go in with ideas to focus on.

Excellent suggestions!!! DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're pretty close, our family tends to know each other's business, and I've known other people who have had trauma. While everyone manifests this differently, I have never seen anything in her behavior that even suggests it. I gave this idea some thought after it was suggested earlier and still can't find any clues suggesting that this could be the case.
Why are you so insistent that trauma has to be an underlying factor? I don't doubt that trauma can cause weight gain, but so can a lot of other things.

I think I'm close to my sister, who has struggled with her weight since her teens and eventually did bariatric surgery to lose weight (but is still overweight, just not morbidly obese anymore). We were in our 40s before she shared that she had been sexually abused in childhood by a girl several years older than her. I had no idea. It may not be a factor for your sister but you never really know what someone else is dealing with.

Also, on the point of how hard it is to lose weight -- it's not just about the logistics or sticking with exercise and healthy eating. When you lose a large amount of weight your metabolism invariably slows down so you are doomed to have to eat a starvation level diet, live with just being hungry all the time and fight the hormones in your body urging you to eat. That's why it is extremely rare to lose a lot of weight and keep it off long term.
https://www.mayooshin.com/biggest-loser-study-maintain-weight-loss/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some crazy high percentage of morbidly obese people in the range of your sister have a history of sexual trauma and abuse. Be careful.

Wow. I’d never heard this but I’m pretty certain my weight struggles are partly attributable to this (and partly to general anxiety, which may also be related, and partly from my mom’s obsession with her own weight and then mine once I hit puberty and was not super skinny though not at all fat). I don’t want to be like this. I am losing weight (thanks Covid for scaring the bejeesus out of me!).

[Anonymous]

Studies show that almost no one who loses weight keeps it off long-term and a high percentage of people who lose weight end up gaining more back. It’s possible that dieting actually causes weight gain long-term. Our bodies are not designed to lose weight. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t work on healthy habits, but it does mean that shrinking your body isn’t a realistic goal. Reading up on that might help you process as well.

Just act normally around her. Trust me—she knows she’s gained weight. If you need to process it, that’s fine, but please don’t put it on her.

[Anonymous]

Health problems are pretty much guaranteed with obesity. My sister was not that overweight but she recently used an app called Noom and it helped her lose some significant weight. You could suggest that to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be the one person in her family that does not comment about her weight or give her suggestions on how to lose it. You don’t need to process anything except how to be kind.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you can see her face to face and have a little talk with her. Maybe she will need your help.

So many people don't want to say anything to their loved ones about their weight, I think you should absolutely say something. Good luck

Dp. Does op want a relationship with her sister? If not, than she should follow your advice.

Op's sister is an adult. Only the sister can lose weight. Not op telling her she is fat. Op can worry but unless sister asks for help op should treat her like a competent adult who can make decisions on their own life even if op doesnt like it.

[Anonymous]

I’m obese category I. 32.5 BMI. I’m unhappy with my body, but I just had biometric screening and came back with excellent numbers for everything: bp, fasting blood sugar, all of my cholesterols, etc. The problems were my BMI and waist measurement.

I have some autoimmune chronic health conditions that are not caused by obesity, but can make losing weight difficult. I’m working on my weight, but even my doctor said my weight is not a health problem. I think she’s a bit disappointed when she says that because my insurance pays for weigh loss surgery at my BMI if you have high bp, diabetes, or another weight-related health problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be the one person in her family that does not comment about her weight or give her suggestions on how to lose it. You don’t need to process anything except how to be kind.

As someone with a family member suffering from anorexia I think this is the correct course

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some crazy high percentage of morbidly obese people in the range of your sister have a history of sexual trauma and abuse. Be careful.

+1. A health issue or abuse issue are unlikely to be shared. My weight gain was only 30-40lb and people asked if I was pregnant. It was worse because I was so used to being very slender. Honestly, I still worked out and ate the same... it was the mental and emotional stress of being sexually assaulted by a coworker and the medication they tried me on permanently screwed up my metabolism even though I didn't take it more than a month or so.

There is a deep shame, even if it isn't your fault. People will say it was anyway, though, regardless of circumstances because they think it gives them more control over it happening or not to them. You don't want it to change how people look at you, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be the one person in her family that does not comment about her weight or give her suggestions on how to lose it. You don’t need to process anything except how to be kind.

+1

+2