Can you help me process finding out that sister has become really obese?

[Anonymous]

OP it's ok to be worried and sad for her. But she needs your support not any statements of the obvious. She knows she is overweight/obese.

Seems to me you were shocked by her weight gain, feel bad about it, and were wondering what the right thing to do it.

Ask her how she is, really listen to her. Support her as a person and don't make it all about the weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you can see her face to face and have a little talk with her. Maybe she will need your help.

So many people don't want to say anything to their loved ones about their weight, I think you should absolutely say something. Good luck

That's good because they don't need to say anything. Do we say things to loved ones when they are ugly? Too short? Have loud, annoying voices? Etc etc? This kind of thing is what the body-shaming movement is about. It's the fact that some still consider weight free reign to have insulting "little talks" about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it's ok to be worried and sad for her. But she needs your support not any statements of the obvious. She knows she is overweight/obese.

Seems to me you were shocked by her weight gain, feel bad about it, and were wondering what the right thing to do it.

Ask her how she is, really listen to her. Support her as a person and don't make it all about the weight.

This. Check in with your sister, see how she's doing, support her if she indicates she would want support on anything. Do not mention weight. Do not make veiled references to family history re obesity. As another poster said, the weight may well be related to something much deeper but there is zero chance your sister is unaware of her weight or the health issues related to that. Zero.

So assume the weight is an indicator of pain, or trauma, or some sort of struggle. Assume whatever the cause/fundamental issue may be, that it is so deep and private that you need to just let your sister tell you when/if it's up for discussion. Otherwise, just be in touch w/ her - perhaps more than you have been - if you want to be of support.

If you can't be supportive without it being about the weight then just leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

OP take comfort in the fact that it’s almost certainly meaningless whether you say something or not. It’s just not going to be a factor. This is your sister’s journey, and there’s nothing you can say or do as her sister that will make a difference either way. Unless she comes to you asking for help, you’re not involved.

Just be there for her if she asks. It doesn’t sound like you’re seeing each other in person, but if you were in the same household you could be supportive of her efforts to eat healthy but since you’re not, it doesn’t matter what you say or don’t say on FaceTime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister has been overweight for around a decade, I'd estimate that she has been about 200 lbs (she's 5'1) over the last couple of years. A family member just shared some photos from 2 weeks ago and my sister has clearly gained even more weight in the last few months, which I did not notice during our occasional FaceTime calls. She has clearly become morbidly obese, perhaps in the range of 240+ pounds, and I was stunned and worried to see her like this.

I know that logically, the appropriate course of action is for me to say nothing. And not even "try to be helpful" with supportive suggestions etc. I should MYOB as the right thing to do, so I will. But I'm worried and somewhat surprised she would let herself get this much overweight, so I'm wishing I could help her get to a healthy weight, and I'm looking for advice on how to channel these emotions instead of acting on them. I suppose when I'm Facetiming her in the future, I just need to smile and act as if nothing is amiss, even if I feel it's fake on my part.

As far as I'm aware, she has no separate health issues. Her family life and her job, as far as I am aware, are stable; kids are teens.It just seems like she has gotten to a point where she is powerless to help herself, which is another part of what stuns me--she has typically been quite put together.
Sadly, one of our wonderful parents died a few years ago from complications due to being overweight (was very overweight for 20+ years). I just do not see things going well for my sister from here (if nothing improves much) and it saddens me.

I expect some people will flame me (this being DCUM) for being a body-shamer, but I don't have any issue with celebrating full-figured people. Rather, I have seen firsthand how being very obese takes its toll on someone's health (in so many ways...including leading to a somewhat early death) once they are middle aged and older. It feels so preventable.
Looking for suggestions on how to process this, since I really don't want to be discussing it with other family members, and I'd feel gossipy if I spoke to my friends about it, I guess. So I am hoping people here might have useful insight/perspective. Thank you in advance.

What on earth are you surprised about? She's been 200+ lbs for a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it's ok to be worried and sad for her. But she needs your support not any statements of the obvious. She knows she is overweight/obese.

Seems to me you were shocked by her weight gain, feel bad about it, and were wondering what the right thing to do it.

Ask her how she is, really listen to her. Support her as a person and don't make it all about the weight.

This. Check in with your sister, see how she's doing, support her if she indicates she would want support on anything. Do not mention weight. Do not make veiled references to family history re obesity. As another poster said, the weight may well be related to something much deeper but there is zero chance your sister is unaware of her weight or the health issues related to that. Zero.

So assume the weight is an indicator of pain, or trauma, or some sort of struggle. Assume whatever the cause/fundamental issue may be, that it is so deep and private that you need to just let your sister tell you when/if it's up for discussion. Otherwise, just be in touch w/ her - perhaps more than you have been - if you want to be of support.

If you can't be supportive without it being about the weight then just leave her alone.

This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be the one person in her family that does not comment about her weight or give her suggestions on how to lose it. You don’t need to process anything except how to be kind.

+1

Reach out and try to connect with her 1:1 to see how she’s doing. See if you can support the underlying emotional issues she’s facing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not clear what there is for you to process. Your sister has not asked you for any help or discussed any concerns that she has with you. How would you want someone to treat you based on concerns and conclusions that they developed based on seeing a photograph? Maybe think about what kind of help you’re willing to offer your sister — and cultivate the kind of relationship with her that might make the help that you’re willing to commit to feel welcome.

+1 This is none of your business OP. It is a clear case of something in which you need to MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Weigh loss surgery while she’s still young enough. 240 lbs on 5’1” very disturbing.

[Anonymous]

She is struggling with a new or old-but-surfaced trauma, or is dealing with clinical depression/anxiety. I really don't like how you've made this about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be the one person in her family that does not comment about her weight or give her suggestions on how to lose it. You don’t need to process anything except how to be kind.

+1 She’s an adult. She knows how much weight she’s gained, and she knows the health risks. Unless she brings it up, you just be there for her, with unconditional love and support. This might help ameliorate the stress that is causing her to overeat, or enable her to open up to you. If she brings it up, only then do you gently address it: “I know it’s so hard. I love you and of course I want you to be as healthy as you can be”, etc. Follow her cues.

[Anonymous]

She was obese before. Now she's morbidly obese. Processing complete.

[Anonymous]

“What a pleasure to see you!” That is all you need to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some crazy high percentage of morbidly obese people in the range of your sister have a history of sexual trauma and abuse. Be careful.

This is an important aspect of obesity that is often overlooked.

OP, the best way to support your sister is to support her. Check in on her--not her weight--and be an active, involved part of her life so she knows she has someone on her side 100%. The weight is her issue to handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it's ok to be worried and sad for her. But she needs your support not any statements of the obvious. She knows she is overweight/obese.

Seems to me you were shocked by her weight gain, feel bad about it, and were wondering what the right thing to do it.

Ask her how she is, really listen to her. Support her as a person and don't make it all about the weight.

This. Check in with your sister, see how she's doing, support her if she indicates she would want support on anything. Do not mention weight. Do not make veiled references to family history re obesity. As another poster said, the weight may well be related to something much deeper but there is zero chance your sister is unaware of her weight or the health issues related to that. Zero.

So assume the weight is an indicator of pain, or trauma, or some sort of struggle. Assume whatever the cause/fundamental issue may be, that it is so deep and private that you need to just let your sister tell you when/if it's up for discussion. Otherwise, just be in touch w/ her - perhaps more than you have been - if you want to be of support.

If you can't be supportive without it being about the weight then just leave her alone.

This is good advice.

+3 this is great