Why do SILs hate the women their brothers marry?

[Anonymous]

I love my brothers wife. And my husbands sisters have been nothing but welcoming to me. Not really the kind of thing to start a discussion about.

[Anonymous]

My dad's sister is like this to my mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is immature and spoiled. DH and I have been together since the end of our senior year in college. I can’t say I have a friendship with SIL even after being with my husband for 30 years, which probably has something to do with her emotional immaturity which leads to some annoyingly self-centered behavior. It’s like dealing with a perpetual stranger, albeit a demanding one. SIL getting married for the first time next year at age 49. That should tell you all you need to know.

+1

DP here. Have to agree - the family feeds into it (enables SIL's behavior), then you come along and wonder about her behavior, and she gets mad at you for noticing. LOL.

My parents went through this decades ago and it got so ugly. One of my dad’s sisters- the family golden child- hated my mom from the get-go. My mother got her number real quick. The woman was a narcissist and went nuts when mommy and daddy weren’t focused solely on her. My father’s parents couldn’t stand to see the golden child ignored and upset, so they started demanding that my dad visit them without his wife and kids. The result? Decades of estrangement. The woman pretty much torpedoed our ties to that side of the family, though I also blame my father’s parents for being so weak and letting it happen instead of telling their daughter to grow up already.

That's just it. SIL will continue with her adult temper tantrums to get what she wants, when she wants it. Once DH says that's enough (essentially telling SIL to grow up), SIL gets all offended. Too bad. SIL should try acting that way with her husband and see how far that crap goes.

PP here. In hindsight, I think some people in my family did not know how to avoid conflict. Let’s face it, life is short and some relatives are awful and will never, ever change. My mom could have avoided tiffs with her SIL if she just treated her like an annoying coworker. “Oh, that’s how you make your casserole? That sounds delicious, send me the recipe.” Instead, my mom got into it with her over why she did something differently and why it was better. So, her fault for trying to argue with someone who she already knew was unstable. They hated each other, but alas, they kept insulting each other and butting heads over stupid stuff like recipes. I think there are ways to make sure the kids see family without exposing yourself to too much drama. See grandma without inviting the whole family. Or just leave the party early. Skip dessert and watch a movie. Lots of stuff goes down after the party ends. So just go home.

[Anonymous]

I like all my SILs. I don't quite feel like family, they're super close with my husband, have a ton of in-jokes and references, and text all the time, I'll never be "in" that way. But we get along like friends and enjoy spending time together.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this is really a thing the way tension with MILs is. I am sure there are difficult people who are SILs but most people don’t feel they are losing their brother the way some MILs seem to feel they are losing their sons. I can’t think of anyone with major issues with their SILs in my life. My brother was married to a woman we all disliked but it was not really that big of a deal to be polite to her until they divorced. I adore my other 3 SILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is just classic bully-the-outsider-with-relational-aggression stuff. I've experienced this with my SILs for sure, but experienced it with the women lawyers in my office when I first began practicing too. Very similar stuff. I don't think it is about the brother or anything.

+1

It might also have to do with the brother, if the sisters are accustomed to bossing the brother around (ie: toxic roles in the family).

Also, some people do not communicate well - their having an opinion is seen as "complaining", so they are taught to stuff everything inside, like a 1940's conservative housewife. Then, when a new person comes along, they tend to judge (often harshly), because that kind of talk is seen as acceptable in the family. MIL and FIL were terrible communicators, and did not like each other very much, and that obviously adversely affected the DH and his siblings. When you grow up in a family that does not communicate well, if at all, of course most of the family members will be very angry in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is just classic bully-the-outsider-with-relational-aggression stuff. I've experienced this with my SILs for sure, but experienced it with the women lawyers in my office when I first began practicing too. Very similar stuff. I don't think it is about the brother or anything.

+1

It might also have to do with the brother, if the sisters are accustomed to bossing the brother around (ie: toxic roles in the family).

Also, some people do not communicate well - their having an opinion is seen as "complaining", so they are taught to stuff everything inside, like a 1940's conservative housewife. Then, when a new person comes along, they tend to judge (often harshly), because that kind of talk is seen as acceptable in the family. MIL and FIL were terrible communicators, and did not like each other very much, and that obviously adversely affected the DH and his siblings. When you grow up in a family that does not communicate well, if at all, of course most of the family members will be very angry in life.

Which circles back to an eternal maxim easily applied to bad SIL situations, "It's not about you." It's about them and their insecurities/jealousies/whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is just classic bully-the-outsider-with-relational-aggression stuff. I've experienced this with my SILs for sure, but experienced it with the women lawyers in my office when I first began practicing too. Very similar stuff. I don't think it is about the brother or anything.

+1

It might also have to do with the brother, if the sisters are accustomed to bossing the brother around (ie: toxic roles in the family).

Also, some people do not communicate well - their having an opinion is seen as "complaining", so they are taught to stuff everything inside, like a 1940's conservative housewife. Then, when a new person comes along, they tend to judge (often harshly), because that kind of talk is seen as acceptable in the family. MIL and FIL were terrible communicators, and did not like each other very much, and that obviously adversely affected the DH and his siblings. When you grow up in a family that does not communicate well, if at all, of course most of the family members will be very angry in life.

Which circles back to an eternal maxim easily applied to bad SIL situations, "It's not about you." It's about them and their insecurities/jealousies/whatever.

Agree. Their brother could have married anyone, and the SIL may have had different issues with them, but they would have issues with them regardless. Some SILs are immature and broken. Heck, I've hear petulant MILs declare "I just don't like her" about the DIL - and the DIL literally did nothing at all to the MIL - the MIL is just a miserable witch.

Ce la vie.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 SIL. One is a disaster; my brother was a 19 year old idiot when he married her and is too passive to have done anything about it in the 30 years since then. My other SIL is lovely, kind, generous, funny. I’ve only posted here about the first one.

[Anonymous]

My SIL has always hated me. 20 years later, she doesn’t outright hate me anymore, but I don’t care at all or want any relationship with her.

You reap what you sow. She treated me like crap and bullied me for a long time. My ILs want everyone to hang out and pretend we like each other, but it’s draining and miserable and I’m done with it. I’m in my mid-40s and I’m finally living my life for me.

[Anonymous]

I like my brother’s wife. Would I be friends with her in she wasn’t family? Probably not. Plus, she has her own sister close in age, and I am 10 years older. I was always nice to my brother’s girlfriends, even if I did not like them. I don’t need the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like my brother’s wife. Would I be friends with her in she wasn’t family? Probably not. Plus, she has her own sister close in age, and I am 10 years older. I was always nice to my brother’s girlfriends, even if I did not like them. I don’t need the drama.

+1

But some women like drama. SIL and MIL have actually made up stories about me and told their friends. When meeting their friends, they would actually say that they expected me to be not as nice. That tells me that SIL and MIL go to extremes to bring me into the conversation, and create drama, so that they can gain sympathy, for a situation that doesn't even exist. Sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is just classic bully-the-outsider-with-relational-aggression stuff. I've experienced this with my SILs for sure, but experienced it with the women lawyers in my office when I first began practicing too. Very similar stuff. I don't think it is about the brother or anything.

+1

It might also have to do with the brother, if the sisters are accustomed to bossing the brother around (ie: toxic roles in the family).

Also, some people do not communicate well - their having an opinion is seen as "complaining", so they are taught to stuff everything inside, like a 1940's conservative housewife. Then, when a new person comes along, they tend to judge (often harshly), because that kind of talk is seen as acceptable in the family. MIL and FIL were terrible communicators, and did not like each other very much, and that obviously adversely affected the DH and his siblings. When you grow up in a family that does not communicate well, if at all, of course most of the family members will be very angry in life.

Which circles back to an eternal maxim easily applied to bad SIL situations, "It's not about you." It's about them and their insecurities/jealousies/whatever.

This is exactly it. If the IL family members seem to need a scapegoat, or someone to gaslight, and it used to be your husband, RUN. Bad ILs will be bad ILs, no matter who marries into your position. It has nothing to do with you, it is all about them, and always will be - they will never, ever change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People with normal SILs don’t write about it. Well, except I will here: my SILs are awesome to me. They really do love me like I’m their actual sister.

People who are mean to their sibling’s wives are probably also mean to other people. I doubt they save it for their SILs.

+1 I love my sis in law. She's changed my brother's life in an incredibly positive way.

+1
Agree that those with awesome SILs just don't really talk about it. I have 2 and they're both great - lovely family member, good mothers, nice people.

[Anonymous]

My husband has two sisters. I don’t see them or his mother often, but I genuinely love them and feel love reciprocated.

My brother was married to a woman I also really liked, but it’s hard to know how honest / genuine that relationship was based on things that came to light since they divorced.

He married his affair partner and the first time I met her they were already married with a kid on the way. I don’t feel I know her well, and until this past Christmas she said things I found really hurtful each time we’ve seen each other. One of those times she lectured me on my rude behavior (and my sister’s) but she’s never been interested in understanding the dynamic she walked in to / why we acted certain ways from my perspective. At her request (and my brother’s) I’ve cut all contact with my former SIL, but my SIL hasn’t changed any behavior at her end.