Why do SILs hate the women their brothers marry?

[Anonymous]

I love my SILs. The only issues we have are when they are shitty to my parents, which is infrequent.

[Anonymous]

It might also have to do with the brother, if the sisters are accustomed to bossing the brother around (ie: toxic roles in the family).

This is such great insight! My SiL, who is two years older than DH, sometimes treats him as if she is twelve and he is ten. I never put together that she may be pulling the same thing on me. But I'm older than her and perhaps that's why it has chafed even more.

[Anonymous]

My brother married an idiot. She was a narcissist. We were always civil to her face, which was more than she deserved. She trashed us to our extended relatives. We maintained a silent dignity, because (at least this applies to me), if my extended relatives wanted to believe what she had to say about me, then bless their hearts.

Being in the same room as this woman was like nails on a blackboard, and I'm an easygoing tolerant person.

You sound like a nice person based on your post. Just trying to say sometimes there's a good reason why a SIL is disliked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother married an idiot. She was a narcissist. We were always civil to her face, which was more than she deserved. She trashed us to our extended relatives. We maintained a silent dignity, because (at least this applies to me), if my extended relatives wanted to believe what she had to say about me, then bless their hearts.

Being in the same room as this woman was like nails on a blackboard, and I'm an easygoing tolerant person.

You sound like a nice person based on your post. Just trying to say sometimes there's a good reason why a SIL is disliked.

PP, you write about her in the past tense? Is she gone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my SILs. The only issues we have are when they are shitty to my parents, which is infrequent.

Maybe your SIL has a legit gripe with them.

[Anonymous]

Not hate but protective - my SIL doesn’t work outside of home, she doesn’t extend any support for our aging parents, my brother works like a dog to bring money home to support the kids. He’s four years younger than me but looks 10 years older.
He met her during a gap year of travel, she is from a country where they attend university to get their Mrs.
however, she was unsuccessful and was travelling and met my brother.
Their eldest daughter finished college and lives at home, and does not work. No one pushing her either.

So, I’m not fond of her. Seems she wanted a luxe life and their daughter seems to expect same. They’re lazy and i feel bad for my brother, who used to be less grumpy and tired. He’s actually the youngest in our family and now he’s just a curmudgeon.

[Anonymous]

Most do not hate the women their brothers marry. I don’t know of any- living close or far.

First we’re too busy. Second we like getting together- more so if kids and cousins are involved. Third we have a whole 18+ years of knowing our sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might also have to do with the brother, i[b]f the sisters are accustomed to bossing the brother around (ie: toxic roles in the family). [/b]

This is such great insight! My SiL, who is two years older than DH, sometimes treats him as if she is twelve and he is ten. I never put together that she may be pulling the same thing on me. But I'm older than her and perhaps that's why it has chafed even more.

This really hits home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People with normal SILs don’t write about it. Well, except I will here: my SILs are awesome to me. They really do love me like I’m their actual sister.

People who are mean to their sibling’s wives are probably also mean to other people. I doubt they save it for their SILs.

+1 DH’s sister is nasty and rude to everyone, I’m not special. I don’t react, stay pleasant, and don’t give her any ammo to make it worse.

She’s always been like this and shows no desire to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might also have to do with the brother, if the sisters are accustomed to bossing the brother around (ie: toxic roles in the family).

This is such great insight! My SiL, who is two years older than DH, sometimes treats him as if she is twelve and he is ten. I never put together that she may be pulling the same thing on me. But I'm older than her and perhaps that's why it has chafed even more.

That sounds so annoying but would take a bit of work to rewire her patterns. It's kind of scary how this kind of thing is ingrained

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not hate but protective - my SIL doesn’t work outside of home, she doesn’t extend any support for our aging parents, my brother works like a dog to bring money home to support the kids. He’s four years younger than me but looks 10 years older.
He met her during a gap year of travel, she is from a country where they attend university to get their Mrs.
however, she was unsuccessful and was travelling and met my brother.
Their eldest daughter finished college and lives at home, and does not work. No one pushing her either.

So, I’m not fond of her. Seems she wanted a luxe life and their daughter seems to expect same. They’re lazy and i feel bad for my brother, who used to be less grumpy and tired. He’s actually the youngest in our family and now he’s just a curmudgeon.

This is a good example of the sister blaming the SIL for decisions made by the brother. Your brother is an adult and can make his own decisions. If he wanted his wife to work, she would. If he wanted his daughter to work, she would. If he wanted to not be a curmudgeon, he would. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not hate but protective - my SIL doesn’t work outside of home, she doesn’t extend any support for our aging parents, my brother works like a dog to bring money home to support the kids. He’s four years younger than me but looks 10 years older.
He met her during a gap year of travel, she is from a country where they attend university to get their Mrs.
however, she was unsuccessful and was travelling and met my brother.
Their eldest daughter finished college and lives at home, and does not work. No one pushing her either.

So, I’m not fond of her. Seems she wanted a luxe life and their daughter seems to expect same. They’re lazy and i feel bad for my brother, who used to be less grumpy and tired. He’s actually the youngest in our family and now he’s just a curmudgeon.

This is a good example of the sister blaming the SIL for decisions made by the brother. Your brother is an adult and can make his own decisions. If he wanted his wife to work, she would. If he wanted his daughter to work, she would. If he wanted to not be a curmudgeon, he would. Period.

No blaming. I don't like her, I think she's a terrible role model etc.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your jealous and spiteful towards her. You decided she only went to college to find a husband but then found your poor, innocent and helpless brother and used her witchcraft to get him to marrying her. Now she stays home while he "works like a dog to bring money home to support the kids". So did she get herself pregnant and he doesn't actually want those kids? Shouldn't he provide for his kids? And he's a middle aged grump that is solely her fault too. No one else in life is grumpy in the middle slog of their life but your poor brother. You have a problem with being judgemental not your SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your jealous and spiteful towards her. You decided she only went to college to find a husband but then found your poor, innocent and helpless brother and used her witchcraft to get him to marrying her. Now she stays home while he "works like a dog to bring money home to support the kids". So did she get herself pregnant and he doesn't actually want those kids? Shouldn't he provide for his kids? And he's a middle aged grump that is solely her fault too. No one else in life is grumpy in the middle slog of their life but your poor brother. You have a problem with being judgemental not your SIL.

Ok SIL.

[Anonymous]

Hit a nerve I see toxic sister.