Why do SILs hate the women their brothers marry?

[Anonymous]

Many people are neurotic OP and sometimes they become our SILs. Don't take it personally. Just grey rock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL and MIL had a dynamic where they decided everything and made all the plans and dh just showed up. It worked for a while with me but then our plans just became too hectic with kids and both our schedules. We can't just show up when other people need us all the time. We like it when our schedules get taken into account.

And then my SIL was really really upset anytime I tried to change anything about holidays. She was upset I rotated holidays between her family and mine. She was upset when I brought a dish that wasn't traditionally on her mom's Christmas table. She refuses to come when I host because she wants her mom to host instead (but then my parents aren't invited).

I'm not pushy, but she is. We still get along great and I just ignore things she says that I don't agree with. If we lived closer, we'd get along great. I'm a bit sad she never married and didn't have kids.

I will never understand people that think you are supposed to spend every holiday with one side of the family and the other persons family should just suck it up.

Same! What are they thinking? And my MIL not only resents that, she resents the fact that one of her DIL has divorced parents so they split between three families instead of two. I get that it’s a bummer but it seems like that’s the kind of complaint that you should keep to yourself. It’s not like my SIL loves that she has divorced parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many people are neurotic OP and sometimes they become our SILs. Don't take it personally. Just grey rock.

Yes, this, don’t take it personally. It has everything to do with your SIL. It’s not a reflection of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL and MIL had a dynamic where they decided everything and made all the plans and dh just showed up. It worked for a while with me but then our plans just became too hectic with kids and both our schedules. We can't just show up when other people need us all the time. We like it when our schedules get taken into account.

And then my SIL was really really upset anytime I tried to change anything about holidays. She was upset I rotated holidays between her family and mine. She was upset when I brought a dish that wasn't traditionally on her mom's Christmas table. She refuses to come when I host because she wants her mom to host instead (but then my parents aren't invited).

I'm not pushy, but she is. We still get along great and I just ignore things she says that I don't agree with. If we lived closer, we'd get along great. I'm a bit sad she never married and didn't have kids.

I will never understand people that think you are supposed to spend every holiday with one side of the family and the other persons family should just suck it up.

Same! What are they thinking? And my MIL not only resents that, she resents the fact that one of her DIL has divorced parents so they split between three families instead of two. I get that it’s a bummer but it seems like that’s the kind of complaint that you should keep to yourself. It’s not like my SIL loves that she has divorced parents.

Well that isn't really fair that she only gets 1/3 time with her son because of that. In my opinion the divorced parents should split Christmas. Or the daughter should host for her side and they both come on the same day.

[Anonymous]

My SIL controls my brother's entire life. According to her, the pastor who advised them in premarital counseling called her the Key of [Brother]. You can't get to my brother now unless you go through her. Last time I saw him, he entered his phone number in my phone, so I could contact him privately but it was 10 years before I was able to do it.

My brother invited us to visit and SIL coordinated the week. My brother was out of town for work the week she told us to come. She went to work and cancelled their babysitter, so I was stuck watching her two elementary-age boys and their new dog (on top of my kids, ages 2 and 4). It was hell. SIL is a yeller and would yell at me and her kids for things that didn't even make sense to me. Midway through the week, I got gastroenteritis, packed up, and went to a hotel in the next town. Once I was rehydrated, I drove 14 hours home. SIL was furious at the loss of childcare. Said I really put her in a bind for those three days. Mind you, she hadn't communicated to me about watching her kids until after I was there.

IF I ever go back, I'll just stay at the hotel and...well...I don't want to go back...ever. Miss my brother, but I never saw him last time anyway.

[Anonymous]

I like my SIL and we get along fine--we even hang out outside of the family/without kids. And she was a great help in providing advice when I was having kids. I have a bigger issue with the way that she treats my mother (she's a babysitter and that's about it) but that's my mother's issue to deal with.

I think that a lot of sisters are influenced by their mother's opinions of their brother's wives. I'm lucky that my MIL and I get along well and have never had an issue with my SIL (DH's sister).

[Anonymous]

I am extremely grateful to the woman marrying my brother soon. I don’t know her well, I only see her once a year when we go to visit my side of the family, but if she’s willing to put up with my brother and a take a load of worry off my mother (my mother is a chronic worrier and one of the things weighing on her is that she would die never seeing my brother settled and happy, I won’t comment on that philosophy, it just is what it is) then she’s the best thing since sliced bread as far as I’m concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL and MIL had a dynamic where they decided everything and made all the plans and dh just showed up. It worked for a while with me but then our plans just became too hectic with kids and both our schedules. We can't just show up when other people need us all the time. We like it when our schedules get taken into account.

And then my SIL was really really upset anytime I tried to change anything about holidays. She was upset I rotated holidays between her family and mine. She was upset when I brought a dish that wasn't traditionally on her mom's Christmas table. She refuses to come when I host because she wants her mom to host instead (but then my parents aren't invited).

I'm not pushy, but she is. We still get along great and I just ignore things she says that I don't agree with. If we lived closer, we'd get along great. I'm a bit sad she never married and didn't have kids.

I will never understand people that think you are supposed to spend every holiday with one side of the family and the other persons family should just suck it up.

Agree! My MIL actually thought my mother should move her Thanksgiving to Friday so we could spend Thanksgiving every year with her. She started asking about Tgiving every year in August, like somehow if she invited us first then we were obligated to go to hers. She basically said my family tradition didn't count compared to hers. I let it slide in the interest of maintaining good relations, and because my husband and I were on the same side. (The fact that he could watch football when we celebrated with my parents was a contributing factor!)

However, now everybody is super old and we don't have those battles any more - and I wish very dearly that we could, because it would mean everyone was in good health. So to all with these challenges, don't forget that they are only temporary. Sadly, time will eliminate them.

[Anonymous]

My brother has been with his GF for 10 years, so she’s pretty much a SIL. I like her and have tried to be welcoming towards her and we get along, albeit superficially. The problem is that she keeps a distance between her and our family, to the point that when my brother has gone through tough times and we reach out to her, all we get is ignored. I suspect that a lot of it has to do with my mom and two sisters who absolutely despise her and are not very discreet about it. So I assume I am being lumped in with the others.
My DH’s sister is a good friend. She’s the reason we met and although things were difficult for a while as we navigated our changing relationship (friends to SILs), I consider her family.

So a lot of it depends on personalities. Not all SILs are evil.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 brothers. 2 of their wives are great and we get on well. The third wife is a childish , possessive, pita that I can't stand. I don't bully her but I make zero effort to extend myself for her. My point is sometimes it's not that sil is evil it's that her brothers wife is a total pita with zero self awareness

[Anonymous]

My brother married a psychopath who used to harass my parents. She called them with her crazy rants and regularly insulted them even though my parents are the nicest people. She then did the same to another sibling causing an irreparable rift between my two siblings. She eventually cheated on my brother and they got divorced.

So yeah, this swings both ways. Which SIL are you?

[Anonymous]

I don’t live in the same state as any of my in-laws and don’t see any frequently. I think SIL#1 is amazing. I wish we saw them more but that’s on my brother, not her (I know that for a fact). But they have a fabulous life and family and that’s all that matters. SIL#2 is really crazy (even my niece says so about her mom to my kids lol). I don’t care for her but my brother is happy and that’s all that matters. Dh has a sister and although she was distant to me for many years and we don’t have a lot in common, we have developed a sisterly love for each other. She knows I’d be there in a heartbeat if she needed me and I know she’d do the same for me.

[Anonymous]

Eh, my SIL is rude and disdainful towards me and my family. I made an effort at first, now just don’t bother. She likes her family better and that’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL and MIL had a dynamic where they decided everything and made all the plans and dh just showed up. It worked for a while with me but then our plans just became too hectic with kids and both our schedules. We can't just show up when other people need us all the time. We like it when our schedules get taken into account.

And then my SIL was really really upset anytime I tried to change anything about holidays. She was upset I rotated holidays between her family and mine. She was upset when I brought a dish that wasn't traditionally on her mom's Christmas table. She refuses to come when I host because she wants her mom to host instead (but then my parents aren't invited).

I'm not pushy, but she is. We still get along great and I just ignore things she says that I don't agree with. If we lived closer, we'd get along great. I'm a bit sad she never married and didn't have kids.

I will never understand people that think you are supposed to spend every holiday with one side of the family and the other persons family should just suck it up.

Same! What are they thinking? And my MIL not only resents that, she resents the fact that one of her DIL has divorced parents so they split between three families instead of two. I get that it’s a bummer but it seems like that’s the kind of complaint that you should keep to yourself. It’s not like my SIL loves that she has divorced parents.

Well that isn't really fair that she only gets 1/3 time with her son because of that. In my opinion the divorced parents should split Christmas. Or the daughter should host for her side and they both come on the same day.

No she gets plenty of time with her son. They live close. And as for the sister in law, is it fair that she would spend Christmas with her mom only once every four years because her parents divorced?

[Anonymous]

I love my brother's wife!! She's awesome. And she puts up with a lot of weirdness from my family with grace and humor. She's taught us all to laugh about ourselves a bit more than I think we would have before.

For awhile I used to joke that if they ever split up, I was taking SIL and my brother could pound sand.

My husband's sister and I aren't super close, but we get along. I don't think she hates me at all. We aren't besties, but can certainly have fun together and hang out a bit. I'm supportive of her life even when she's nuts, and I think she appreciates that. We've also always really loved each other's children which really is the grease in our relationship.