Why do SILs hate the women their brothers marry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a weird jealousy there. My dh's sister has never been welcoming towards me - hasn't wanted me in family photos, caused some drama at my wedding even though I asked her to be in my bridal party. After about 8 years, I told dh that I didn't want to take it anymore and we have essentially cut them out of our lives. They moved far away so it's not hard. My brother's wife is very lovely and we have a great relationship. Something I do wish I had with my sil but am over it.

Yeah, the sting of being told "you're not family, so please take the picture" can linger. And then making a fuss at our wedding as it was near her BD even though we gave other dates precisely to avoid the conflict remains memorable. Telling me how to parent our teens in the middle of a conflict was a jaw drop, especially as she and her DH are very clear that their adult children are largely off limits ("How do you have their phone number? Why would you be in contact with them?"). Perhaps that all started when they instructed their children to not use "Aunt" to refer to me because you only do that with family. I guess I should appreciate the transparency.

I've never met two people who revel in how cultured and creative they are yet are fairly narrow and incurious about life.

We've gotten to a better place, though I would say that it is largely due to my effort though with DH prodding me on occasions. Maybe also because I pitch in to take care of their parents when I can. I also want my kids to see that you need to make an effort with family, even when it is not easy and when they may LYK that they don't consider you family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my case it's because my SIL wanted an incestuous relationship with her brother/my DH. We've cut all contact.

Hold the phone, WHAT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do some people on DCUM just insist on perpetuating stereotypes of people, particularly but only inlaws? It really demonstrates a significant lack of cognitive ability.

If your SIL is causing you issues it's either because she as a person has issues or you do. It's not because she's your SIL.

Omg groundbreaking insight. You’re so smart.

Thanks. You are very perceptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a mean toxic SIL who has always been icy and rude to me to the point where she makes mean comments to my face and bullies me.

I don’t understand what I did to her. Then I searched DCUM and realize this is a common trope. Why are SILs so unpleasant?

In- laws are always a touchy situation. They’re not friends they’re not really family. It takes a lot of patience and social skills to make it work.

I obviously don’t know your situation but in my situation my sil clearly feels excluded and bullied but it’s really a function of how sensitive she is. For example, my mom invited my brother over for a family dinner. This conflicted with some kind of girls night out my sil was having. When it was suggested that my brother could come over with just the kids the sil freaked out. She concocted a scenario that we were try to split them up and that my mom picked the night because she knew the sil couldn’t make it. Which is insane as there’s no way mom knows her social calendar.

Things like this has come up a couple of times and as a result the family doesn’t really like her. Which she picks up on and the cycle becomes ever more vicious.

My solution with my in laws is to just be committed to kindness and to overlook slights. It’s worked and we have a reasonably good relationship.

Wait hold up did your mom really try to invite your brother to a family dinner excluding his wife the mother of her grandchildren and the most important family member in her son’s life and then have the audacity to label it a family dinner when she excluded one of the members of her son’s immediate family.

I can see why your SIL feels excluded that’s literally the definition of excluded.

Once married it’s incredibly rude for your mother to invite your brother over and tell him his wife isn’t invited. What the hell!? They are married.

Calm down. SIL and the kids were invited as well, SIL had solo plans, poster's mother said her son and grandkids were still welcome if they wanted to come without SIL, who was unavailable because of plans she chose to make.

How is this offensive?

[Anonymous]

When I got married, I genuinely thought I was going to have a great relationship with my ILs (3 sisters and parents) but over time it became apparent that their expectation was different from mine: I was expected to attend, celebrate them, contribute cash when told, but they would not communicate with me directly and nothing was ever phrased as a question (can you attend? would you like to . . .x?). The fundamental disconnect was that I was supposed to get that their status as aunts and grandparents to my children came before my status as mom. The glaring example of this is when my first child's first birthday was scheduled at my SIL's without asking me. For a while, I just opted out of everything and this was a major friction point in my marriage. I've learned to take them in small doses to keep the peace, expecting no respect but just ignoring or declining most demands. It would have been easier if I started from a place of expecting nothing, but it also would have been easier if they had bothered with the simple respects they expect for themselves. We'll never be close, just mildly congenial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I got married, I genuinely thought I was going to have a great relationship with my ILs (3 sisters and parents) but over time it became apparent that their expectation was different from mine: I was expected to attend, celebrate them, contribute cash when told, but they would not communicate with me directly and nothing was ever phrased as a question (can you attend? would you like to . . .x?). The fundamental disconnect was that I was supposed to get that their status as aunts and grandparents to my children came before my status as mom. The glaring example of this is when my first child's first birthday was scheduled at my SIL's without asking me. For a while, I just opted out of everything and this was a major friction point in my marriage. I've learned to take them in small doses to keep the peace, expecting no respect but just ignoring or declining most demands. It would have been easier if I started from a place of expecting nothing, but it also would have been easier if they had bothered with the simple respects they expect for themselves. We'll never be close, just mildly congenial.

This may also be indicative of how they relate to their sibling, your DH. Where is he in the birth order?

It's fairly similar for us though DH only has one sibling. We had to always understand that their lives came first even if that meant they would arrive at our home at 2 AM, waking up our then toddlers while going up to the guest rooms, and then our kids sometimes staying up with one of us until their afternoon nap. They couldn't leave early in the AM to arrive at a more civil hour because they wanted to do all the tourist stuff and their kids "didn't like getting up early." But when DH had the temerity to suggest that one of our DCs might not be able to make an event for one of their DCs due to a conflict timing beyond our control, SiL lost her mind, both in print and on the phone, basically telling DH that she knew more about what was important because her DCs were older and that this conflict "wasn't really of consequence." Go figure.

MiL, OTOH, is generally gracious and accommodating, even if she does have a strong personality. My guess is that her daughter's behavior isn't entirely lost on her.

Regarding the bolded, I've mentioned that more than once - really the latter part of the sentence - to DH: why can she not extend the respect and understanding that she demands for her and her family? Feel like that is one of the first lessons I learned from my parents and was reinforced in Sunday school, truly a basic one.

[Anonymous]

If Sisters didn't really get along well or were critical of their Brother(s), why is it such a surprise to them when their Brother(s) marry someone very different from them?

That's what I see happening.

[Anonymous]

I get along great with my DH's sisters. They really feel like my family.

OTOH, I do not get along with the woman my brother married. It's not jealousy. I've tried so hard to be her friend. She is just a mean person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I got married, I genuinely thought I was going to have a great relationship with my ILs (3 sisters and parents) but over time it became apparent that their expectation was different from mine: I was expected to attend, celebrate them, contribute cash when told, but they would not communicate with me directly and nothing was ever phrased as a question (can you attend? would you like to . . .x?). The fundamental disconnect was that I was supposed to get that their status as aunts and grandparents to my children came before my status as mom. The glaring example of this is when my first child's first birthday was scheduled at my SIL's without asking me. For a while, I just opted out of everything and this was a major friction point in my marriage. I've learned to take them in small doses to keep the peace, expecting no respect but just ignoring or declining most demands. It would have been easier if I started from a place of expecting nothing, but it also would have been easier if they had bothered with the simple respects they expect for themselves. We'll never be close, just mildly congenial.

That is just weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a mean toxic SIL who has always been icy and rude to me to the point where she makes mean comments to my face and bullies me.

I don’t understand what I did to her. Then I searched DCUM and realize this is a common trope. Why are SILs so unpleasant?

When you're a prejudiced bigot, everyone seems like a terrible person. Study the mirror carefully.

What????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If Sisters didn't really get along well or were critical of their Brother(s), why is it such a surprise to them when their Brother(s) marry someone very different from them?

That's what I see happening.

x1000000 Nailed it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my case it's because my SIL wanted an incestuous relationship with her brother/my DH. We've cut all contact.

Hold the phone, WHAT!

VC Andrews, is that you?

[Anonymous]

I get along great with both of my SIL's. We are actually friends and hang out a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get along great with both of my SIL's. We are actually friends and hang out a lot.

+1
I like hanging out with them just as much, if not more than hanging with my brothers. I want the best for my SILs and their kids. I wish we all lived closer to each other but we have a great time together.

[Anonymous]

I get along fine with DHs sister. She and fam don't live near us. We have vacationed with them when went up close to where they live and they came for a weekend. We had kids first so maybe that helped. Ive sent a ton of presents and she picked the handmedown dresses she wanted for her daughter from mine. The kids facetime each other and shes about to have another baby which my kids are excited about. Im older and we live close to DHs parents and he helps take care of their needs too. It was a little weird when we got together but i was really the first serious gf he had since college.