Why do SILs hate the women their brothers marry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is immature and spoiled. DH and I have been together since the end of our senior year in college. I can’t say I have a friendship with SIL even after being with my husband for 30 years, which probably has something to do with her emotional immaturity which leads to some annoyingly self-centered behavior. It’s like dealing with a perpetual stranger, albeit a demanding one. SIL getting married for the first time next year at age 49. That should tell you all you need to know.

+1

DP here. Have to agree - the family feeds into it (enables SIL's behavior), then you come along and wonder about her behavior, and she gets mad at you for noticing. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mean toxic SIL who has always been icy and rude to me to the point where she makes mean comments to my face and bullies me.

I don’t understand what I did to her. Then I searched DCUM and realize this is a common trope. Why are SILs so unpleasant?

I don't think it is "hate", as much as enabled family norms, and those that think those norms are impossible to live with, in a healthy family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is immature and spoiled. DH and I have been together since the end of our senior year in college. I can’t say I have a friendship with SIL even after being with my husband for 30 years, which probably has something to do with her emotional immaturity which leads to some annoyingly self-centered behavior. It’s like dealing with a perpetual stranger, albeit a demanding one. SIL getting married for the first time next year at age 49. That should tell you all you need to know.

+1

DP here. Have to agree - the family feeds into it (enables SIL's behavior), then you come along and wonder about her behavior, and she gets mad at you for noticing. LOL.

My parents went through this decades ago and it got so ugly. One of my dad’s sisters- the family golden child- hated my mom from the get-go. My mother got her number real quick. The woman was a narcissist and went nuts when mommy and daddy weren’t focused solely on her. My father’s parents couldn’t stand to see the golden child ignored and upset, so they started demanding that my dad visit them without his wife and kids. The result? Decades of estrangement. The woman pretty much torpedoed our ties to that side of the family, though I also blame my father’s parents for being so weak and letting it happen instead of telling their daughter to grow up already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is immature and spoiled. DH and I have been together since the end of our senior year in college. I can’t say I have a friendship with SIL even after being with my husband for 30 years, which probably has something to do with her emotional immaturity which leads to some annoyingly self-centered behavior. It’s like dealing with a perpetual stranger, albeit a demanding one. SIL getting married for the first time next year at age 49. That should tell you all you need to know.

+1

DP here. Have to agree - the family feeds into it (enables SIL's behavior), then you come along and wonder about her behavior, and she gets mad at you for noticing. LOL.

My parents went through this decades ago and it got so ugly. One of my dad’s sisters- the family golden child- hated my mom from the get-go. My mother got her number real quick. The woman was a narcissist and went nuts when mommy and daddy weren’t focused solely on her. My father’s parents couldn’t stand to see the golden child ignored and upset, so they started demanding that my dad visit them without his wife and kids. The result? Decades of estrangement. The woman pretty much torpedoed our ties to that side of the family, though I also blame my father’s parents for being so weak and letting it happen instead of telling their daughter to grow up already.

That's just it. SIL will continue with her adult temper tantrums to get what she wants, when she wants it. Once DH says that's enough (essentially telling SIL to grow up), SIL gets all offended. Too bad. SIL should try acting that way with her husband and see how far that crap goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL has designs on the money my parents are planning on leaving to us.

She cleaned out all the decent furniture in my parent's house when my husband and I were living abroad. I came home to find that the woman had taken my childhood bedroom furniture from my childhood home and installed it in her child's room without even discussing it with me!

She has never worked and goes running to my parents whenever she wants something expensive -- like private school, summer camp, private college -- that is not feasible given my brother's salary.

Yeah, my parents are also to blame for acting like doormats but I can't see what possible benefit I could derive from being friendly to someone like that.

All of this is on your parents. They are adults and are free to tell her NO. If they choose to instead tell her yes, that is their choice.

[Anonymous]

I think it is just classic bully-the-outsider-with-relational-aggression stuff. I've experienced this with my SILs for sure, but experienced it with the women lawyers in my office when I first began practicing too. Very similar stuff. I don't think it is about the brother or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People with normal SILs don’t write about it. Well, except I will here: my SILs are awesome to me. They really do love me like I’m their actual sister.

People who are mean to their sibling’s wives are probably also mean to other people. I doubt they save it for their SILs.

+1
You don’t hear from the happy people. My SIL is a lovely person. My mom can be difficult and she handles her very tactfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People with normal SILs don’t write about it. Well, except I will here: my SILs are awesome to me. They really do love me like I’m their actual sister.

People who are mean to their sibling’s wives are probably also mean to other people. I doubt they save it for their SILs.

Agree! I love my brother’s wife and think she brings great characteristics to our family.

My husband’s brother’s wife is also awesome.

My husband’s cousin with whom he is close also has a terrific person in his life. She’s now an ex, but we are still close with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People with normal SILs don’t write about it. Well, except I will here: my SILs are awesome to me. They really do love me like I’m their actual sister.

People who are mean to their sibling’s wives are probably also mean to other people. I doubt they save it for their SILs.

Agree! I love my brother’s wife and think she brings great characteristics to our family.

My husband’s brother’s wife is also awesome.

My husband’s cousin with whom he is close also has a terrific person in his life. She’s now an ex, but we are still close with her.

This says so much about how well your parents did in raising your family (ie: not making any of those who married in the "bad guy").

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is just classic bully-the-outsider-with-relational-aggression stuff. I've experienced this with my SILs for sure, but experienced it with the women lawyers in my office when I first began practicing too. Very similar stuff. I don't think it is about the brother or anything.

+1

It might also have to do with the brother, if the sisters are accustomed to bossing the brother around (ie: toxic roles in the family).

[Anonymous]

I don’t. I adore my SIL and love her as much as my own sister.

[Anonymous]

I love my SILs. Fun people. Caring. Good to us all.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is nice, but she's also 10 years younger than us and I have absolutely nothing in common with her. We don't have a bad relationship, but we don't have a sisterly one, either. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People with normal SILs don’t write about it. Well, except I will here: my SILs are awesome to me. They really do love me like I’m their actual sister.

People who are mean to their sibling’s wives are probably also mean to other people. I doubt they save it for their SILs.

Same, we are like sisters.

[Anonymous]

I like my brothers’ wives. Including the one who is currently divorcing. They are great. DH’s sister has never really liked me. She definitely doesn’t see me as family. As a result, we hardly ever see them.