Messed up marrying the wrong guy, where to go from here - give it to me straight please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you don't have kids?

No kids, divorce him and do both of yourselves a favor.

We have a 2 year old daughter.

Two years ago you thought enough of him to have a child! I would go to counseling and explain to him things have to change. I couldn't go to a job I hated, he really needs to do something else, or stop complaining.

He went to GRAD school (not law, med, or business — the “avoiding real life and scarfing free food of Piled Higher and Deeper grad school), and you got married, he was maybe 29? You had your first kid at 35, so what happened to those 6 years before you got wise?

I’m pretty sure OP is an immigrant or a country bumpkin, that why she was “baited and switched” by a Philosophy PhD from Brown thinking it was the path to riches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world

2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

The kid is 2 years old. She is not going to be sad and angry for a long time. She would adjust quickly. It is ridiculous to assume otherwise. Truly.

It’s not just the divorce itself. It’s the fallout. That will definitely affect her for many years.

indeed. 2 yr olds can be sad and angry after a divorce as they have no clue what is going on. She only knows that her parents don't live together anymore, and has to shuffle back and forth between parents. How is that not upsetting for a child?

https://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/coping/age-by-age-guide-to-what-children-understand-about-divorce/

18 Months to 3 Years
During the toddler years, a child's main bond is with her parents, so any major disruption in her home life can be difficult for her to accept and comprehend. What's more, kids this age are self-centered and may think they've caused their parents' breakup. They may cry and want more attention than usual, regress and return to thumb sucking, resist toilet training, have a fear of being abandoned, or have trouble going to sleep or sleeping alone at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you don't have kids?

No kids, divorce him and do both of yourselves a favor.

We have a 2 year old daughter.

Two years ago you thought enough of him to have a child! I would go to counseling and explain to him things have to change. I couldn't go to a job I hated, he really needs to do something else, or stop complaining.

He went to GRAD school (not law, med, or business — the “avoiding real life and scarfing free food of Piled Higher and Deeper grad school), and you got married, he was maybe 29? You had your first kid at 35, so what happened to those 6 years before you got wise?

I’m pretty sure OP is an immigrant or a country bumpkin, that why she was “baited and switched” by a Philosophy PhD from Brown thinking it was the path to riches.

STEM PhD. Could go into industry but hasn't. She's written about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do him a huge favor and divorce him

Honestly, divorce is a favor to all three of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, are these posts from you?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/883858.page#17262876

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/857023.page

If they are, just divorce him. You don’t love him.

If so, then basically OP is green with envy that DH brother makes 400k, but her husband 85k, in same STEM field. Husband great dad, stable academia job, but she wants to ditch him because his isn't earning 400k. And maybe she wanted to be SAHM? I'm going to guess HHI over 300k as is now.

OP, if these threads are yours, your window to find meal ticket likely passed. You are an old mom with 2 year old. Good luck with that. Get over your brother in law. Stop comparing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world

2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

The kid is 2 years old. She is not going to be sad and angry for a long time. She would adjust quickly. It is ridiculous to assume otherwise. Truly.

It’s not just the divorce itself. It’s the fallout. That will definitely affect her for many years.

indeed. 2 yr olds can be sad and angry after a divorce as they have no clue what is going on. She only knows that her parents don't live together anymore, and has to shuffle back and forth between parents. How is that not upsetting for a child?

https://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/coping/age-by-age-guide-to-what-children-understand-about-divorce/

18 Months to 3 Years
During the toddler years, a child's main bond is with her parents, so any major disruption in her home life can be difficult for her to accept and comprehend. What's more, kids this age are self-centered and may think they've caused their parents' breakup. They may cry and want more attention than usual, regress and return to thumb sucking, resist toilet training, have a fear of being abandoned, or have trouble going to sleep or sleeping alone at night.

It is far easier younger than older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world

2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

The kid is 2 years old. She is not going to be sad and angry for a long time. She would adjust quickly. It is ridiculous to assume otherwise. Truly.

It’s not just the divorce itself. It’s the fallout. That will definitely affect her for many years.

Are you divorced? Maybe you do not know what it looks like. There is not always a “fallout”—this fear mongering keeps women trapped in bad marriages. Divorce is not the end of the world. There are worse things. Kids adapt: younger is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Myself and my friends who have been married twice all agree. You exchange one set of problems for a new set!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you don't have kids?

No kids, divorce him and do both of yourselves a favor.

We have a 2 year old daughter.

Two years ago you thought enough of him to have a child! I would go to counseling and explain to him things have to change. I couldn't go to a job I hated, he really needs to do something else, or stop complaining.

He went to GRAD school (not law, med, or business — the “avoiding real life and scarfing free food of Piled Higher and Deeper grad school), and you got married, he was maybe 29? You had your first kid at 35, so what happened to those 6 years before you got wise?

I’m pretty sure OP is an immigrant or a country bumpkin, that why she was “baited and switched” by a Philosophy PhD from Brown thinking it was the path to riches.

STEM PhD. Could go into industry but hasn't. She's written about it.

I was joking about philosophy, but STEM PhD are even MORE work avoidant since you don’t need any further professional training to get good jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are these posts from you?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/883858.page#17262876

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/857023.page

If they are, just divorce him. You don’t love him.

If so, then basically OP is green with envy that DH brother makes 400k, but her husband 85k, in same STEM field. Husband great dad, stable academia job, but she wants to ditch him because his isn't earning 400k. And maybe she wanted to be SAHM? I'm going to guess HHI over 300k as is now.

OP, if these threads are yours, your window to find meal ticket likely passed. You are an old mom with 2 year old. Good luck with that. Get over your brother in law. Stop comparing.

She is in software sales, she has always been about the money and never loved her DH, just saw his “potential” to make money. She was likely very hot, software sales you know, so I’m sure her DH married her for her looks.

I would divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world

2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

The kid is 2 years old. She is not going to be sad and angry for a long time. She would adjust quickly. It is ridiculous to assume otherwise. Truly.

It’s not just the divorce itself. It’s the fallout. That will definitely affect her for many years.

Are you divorced? Maybe you do not know what it looks like. There is not always a “fallout”—this fear mongering keeps women trapped in bad marriages. Divorce is not the end of the world. There are worse things. Kids adapt: younger is better.

Yeah, like they adapt into people who will also get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

You have two choices here:

1. divorce him and upend your DDs life. Will she survive? Yes, but will she be angry and sad for a long time, probably. If you guys don't fight in front of her, and otherwise have a decent family life, you would be destroying your DD's world

2. help your DH lose weight. I got my DH a fitbit and made a gentle remark about his weight. He has lost 40lbs. He is 57.

As for his career: you say you quadrupled your income in so many years. I assume you did so in part becaue your DH took on some heavy lifting at home so that you could spend some time focused on your career. I'm sure you did a lot at home, too, but I imagine that you would not be where you are without your DH's help.

Is your DH a serial complainer? Is he depressed maybe?

My DH could be earning double what he earns now if he put his mind to it. But it would mean getting into management, which he absolutely loathes, and I don't blame him. But, he's a good dad and husband. He does a lot with the kids, cooks, fixes stuff in the house, etc... He also wants to retire early, which I am helping him achieve.

I was once told by an ex that I have high expectations. A wise man (not my DH or ex) once told me that the problem with having high expectations is that you inevitably will be disappointed. When we first had kids, I had high expectations of the type of father/husband DH should be. As expected, I was disappointed. It was a source of bitterness for me for many years.

I've had to temper and adjust my expectations of my DH, my kids and mostly, myself over the years (I'm probably a lot older than you).

IMO, it is not worth blowing up my family for some pie in the sky high expectation of my DH. The grass is alway greener on the other side. Would you rather have a high achieving DH who is a douchebag to you and your DD or what you have now? Sure, it's not an either or, and there is a wide range in between, but the devil you know is always better than the one you don't know.

If you don't think that you can ever come to respect your DH for the most part, then yea, divorce, because your contempt will come through eventually, and that will lead to an unhappy family situation for your DD.

The kid is 2 years old. She is not going to be sad and angry for a long time. She would adjust quickly. It is ridiculous to assume otherwise. Truly.

It’s not just the divorce itself. It’s the fallout. That will definitely affect her for many years.

Are you divorced? Maybe you do not know what it looks like. There is not always a “fallout”—this fear mongering keeps women trapped in bad marriages. Divorce is not the end of the world. There are worse things. Kids adapt: younger is better.

Yes, younger is better, but it's not like divorce won't impact a 2 yr old. That is the point of the ^^post.

My sister got divorced when her kid was 2. The divorce impacted the kid, but if she had stayed married to her husband, it would have been far worse. The father was taking drugs and was completely irresponsible... did nothing at home or even held a steady job.

OP's DH, while not a high earner, is a good dad, per OP's own post.

Sure, OP can get a divorce if she's unhappy, but don't think that it won't impact your 2 yr old. You have to weigh the pros/cons. Divorce she never be taken lightly.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t divorce until I had started affair with $$$$ BIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np here. If OP were a guy, people would be freaking out that he wanted to leave his wife for being overweight and not successful enough but otherwise a great mom. Just putting that out there.

OP, you have to decide what’s right for you. I think what seems kind of off about your post is that you seem to be basing your decision entirely on whether you’d be able to find another husband. As many have mentioned, the decision to divorce should be about whether or not you want to be in your marriage, not whether or not you can trade up.

That said, if you resent your husband, there are issues in your marriage. If you don’t think you can move past those issues, perhaps divorce is appropriate.

I will say that karma can be harsh. If your sole reason for divorcing him is his weight and job and feeling as if your looks and job entitle you to someone “better,” understand that things can change. He could lose weight, fall into a better job and remarry, and you could end up meeting someone who then breaks up with you for someone else. Karma is tricky like that.

This happened to my SIL. She divorced her husband because he was boring and didn't make enough money. Then he remarried a dentist and he's making a ton more money and they have a huge house and nice vacations, and she's stuck in her 2 bedroom house in the suburbs. She's super resentful of him. She remarried this past year, and her now-16 year old daughter immediately moved out and in with her dad.

[Anonymous]

OP is likely becoming old and tired looking and is desperate to find a better meal ticket before it’s time to date late 60’s men as her only option — her looks is clearly all she has left. This is why you marry people for their character, their kindness, their willingness to listen, and other virtuous traits as opposed to earning potential. On a side but related note, I’m rich as are most of my close friends because it strangely worked out that way — I can’t tell you how many have unhappy marriages because their marriage was based on their wealth. I count my blessings everyday that my wife and I found each other when I was broke, living in a studio apartment in my late 20’s, and barely scraping by. No woman looking for a meal ticket would have married me at the time, so it filtered out a lot of the fakes and I was fortunate to date some wonderful genuine women prior to ending up with the one I married.

Best of luck to OP’s husband. Assuming he is a good guy at the end of the day, I hope that he gains a new lust for life, a passion for fitness and health, and finds a great woman who sees the good in him.