I kicked my husband out

[Anonymous]

I have posted before. You might recognize me. I got married at 29 to an aspiring academic. I followed him around for 5 years, moving every year, until he finally got a tenure-track job. During this time he refused to start a family. Like an idiot I did not leave when I was 32/33 like I should have. I am now 35 and we have been trying for over a year. I have had 1 eptopic pregnacy, one miscarriage at 11 weeks, and 3 chemical pregnancies. Just had another this weekend. I honestly am at peace if I can't have kids (obviously divorcing him now at 35 makes that unlikely given the issues I've been having especially), but I just can't forgive him knowing that he put his own priorities ahead of mine for years. I made all of the sacrifices for the life he wanted, and I just can't do that anymore.

Anyway, I haven't told anyone yet. I am afraid. But I think I came to the end. I will refinance the house in my own name and start over. I have a good job, and I'll go about living the life that I want to live now. I am just so mad at myself for shortchanging myself so much in earlier years.

I don't have a question, but I wanted to write this here because I needed to share with someone. I will share with friends and family when I feel ready. Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

I'm sincerely sorry. Wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

1. Most adults have a very poor understanding of female fertility and how it plummets in their 30s. Your husband was probably not aware of how risky it was to wait. Moreover, this board is full of lucky 30-somethings who somehow got pregnant after multiple failed attempts, aided by technology, so it can happen.

2. If your husband does not want children at all, yes, you could divorce. But if he does, why don't you adopt? You are not too old for that, and with your profiles, I'm sure you two would be attractive. I know a couple of academics who adopted domestically when they were 50.

[Anonymous]

He may not have felt like you were making all the sacrifices. He may have felt it was not prudent to bring a child into the world until his career was a sure thing. Many men feel a need to be able to provide for their families.

Also, you have nothing to be afraid of.

[Anonymous]

How will you feel if your DH who is now finally settled gets remarried and starts a family? Does he want kids at all?

I agree with PPs that he probably didn't want to have a child until he was settled. There is nothing wrong with that. Having kids is super hard on the finances and relationship.

Most of the people I know now a days have kids in their 30s to early 40s. I was 33 with my first; DH was 39. We were settled. But if we weren't, I would not have brought kids into the mix.

Obviously, you are super angry, but maybe give yourself some time. Do you think you can get passed this and adopt or try again? I hear you though, that bitterness will always be there. Somehow you are going to have to get passed it -- easier said than done, though.

[Anonymous]

Do you love HIM, or do you only love him as a means to have kids? You’re 35, not 50. Surely there are interventions that you can take advantage of if you do want kids. It seems a little dramatic, IMO, but maybe that’s just me.

[Anonymous]

So you're not divorcing him to have kids with someone else, you're divorcing because you're mad that he worked so hard to further his career (and presumably, make a better life for his family, including kids, when they showed up).

Wow. Talk about errors of judgement.

[Anonymous]

You will both be better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you love HIM, or do you only love him as a means to have kids? You’re 35, not 50. Surely there are interventions that you can take advantage of if you do want kids. It seems a little dramatic, IMO, but maybe that’s just me.

I also think you are putting a whole lot of stock into 2-3 years of fertility. Have you seen a fertility doctor? I know you feel he is selfish, but since you have gotten pregnant multiple times I find it a bit hard to believe that those few years alone are rendering you unable to carry. Kindly, I just hope that you are looking at this through a realistic lens and not blowing your life because you are making perfect the enemy of good. Your H has a good job now and I’m almost certain you CAN figure out how to have a family if you can work past your feelings.

It’s just...nothing in your post jumps out to me as being worth the hostility - kicked him out? He didn’t cheat or murder someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
1. Most adults have a very poor understanding of female fertility and how it plummets in their 30s. Your husband was probably not aware of how risky it was to wait. Moreover, this board is full of lucky 30-somethings who somehow got pregnant after multiple failed attempts, aided by technology, so it can happen.

2. If your husband does not want children at all, yes, you could divorce. But if he does, why don't you adopt? You are not too old for that, and with your profiles, I'm sure you two would be attractive. I know a couple of academics who adopted domestically when they were 50.

I told him, showed him studies, brought him to the doctor who also told him, and he chose to insist on taking the risk anyway. This is the problem for me that I can't get past. He ignored me pleas, warnings, and now the thing he ignored is coming true. I no longer trust him or want to be with him because of how he behaved around this.

[Anonymous]

You can try to get pregnant on your own with a donor. There’s lots of different ways to go about this ranging from doing it yourself at home to in vitro.

[Anonymous]

You sound a little psychotic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. Most adults have a very poor understanding of female fertility and how it plummets in their 30s. Your husband was probably not aware of how risky it was to wait. Moreover, this board is full of lucky 30-somethings who somehow got pregnant after multiple failed attempts, aided by technology, so it can happen.

2. If your husband does not want children at all, yes, you could divorce. But if he does, why don't you adopt? You are not too old for that, and with your profiles, I'm sure you two would be attractive. I know a couple of academics who adopted domestically when they were 50.

I told him, showed him studies, brought him to the doctor who also told him, and he chose to insist on taking the risk anyway. This is the problem for me that I can't get past. He ignored me pleas, warnings, and now the thing he ignored is coming true. I no longer trust him or want to be with him because of how he behaved around this.

I believe you, but those things never register. He probably didn't want kids are much as you - which doesn't mean he won't love them to bits if they do come! Also, other posters might be correct that he viewed a stable home as a priority.

My husband is a selfish academic (ADHD/Asperger's), so on some level I get it. Take it from me: you MUST let go of this anger, it's not healthy for you. You must not let anger dictate your actions. Otherwise you will live to regret it. Be creative.

[Anonymous]

I’m married to a professional athlete who spent six years in the minor leagues and we moved from team to team pursuing his dream and it was very hard on me as having a child would have been difficult always moving and without a lot of income. But he had a passion for his sport and I had confidence that someday he would make it. At times it was very frustrating living in the boondocks and never putting down roots but we were in it together. Eventually he made the major leagues and while we moved a couple of times the financial security we had from day 1 said it’s time to have a baby and buy a house. I never thought about leaving and I’m so glad I stuck it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound a little psychotic.

No she doesn't, she sounds like she knows her own mind and worth.

Good luck op