Serial cheaters: Can/Do they ever change?

[Anonymous]

Can they change? It’s the exception, not the rule. 98% of the time I would say they will not change.

[Anonymous]

I had one affair and it was the worst mistake of my life. I cannot imagine doing that again. I think if someone is able to repeatedly enter into a situation where they are lying and deceiving everyone around them, they’re missing something in their soul. Even one affair is really bad and speaks to a deficit of character. But multiple affairs? They’ll never change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can they change? It’s the exception, not the rule. 98% of the time I would say they will not change.

+1. 98% is being generous, too.

[Anonymous]

I think they change when they get older but I have to say it is shocking how low some people will go. My ex had an affair with a 55 year old; 12 years older than him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they change when they get older but I have to say it is shocking how low some people will go. My ex had an affair with a 55 year old; 12 years older than him.

Did he meet her online? Married? That’s common. Nasty people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had one affair and it was the worst mistake of my life. I cannot imagine doing that again. I think if someone is able to repeatedly enter into a situation where they are lying and deceiving everyone around them, they’re missing something in their soul. Even one affair is really bad and speaks to a deficit of character. But multiple affairs? They’ll never change.

Only because you got caught?

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they can change if they are motivated to change. DH was a serial cheater. He was going to lose everything- me, his job, his friends, respect of his family. He hit rock bottom and started intensive therapy and sexaholics anonymous. He’s 2 years without cheating now. It’s been an arduous process for him and his life has drastically changed. He says he’s now the man he always wanted to be. It depends on the person and whether they want to change and how much effort that put into making a change.

My ex-DH fooled me for years. Confessed to being a cheater when we first met but swore he loved me and would never cheat. 13 years into marriage I caught him. Stupid me believed it was a one time slip up. Seven years after that incident, his house of cards started to crumble.

We divorced and then all his ex-mistresses came out of the woodwork. It was crazy!

I’m sure his current girlfriend is being fed the same lies I was at the beginning.

A leopard cannot change his spots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they can change if they are motivated to change. DH was a serial cheater. He was going to lose everything- me, his job, his friends, respect of his family. He hit rock bottom and started intensive therapy and sexaholics anonymous. He’s 2 years without cheating now. It’s been an arduous process for him and his life has drastically changed. He says he’s now the man he always wanted to be. It depends on the person and whether they want to change and how much effort that put into making a change.

My ex-DH fooled me for years. Confessed to being a cheater when we first met but swore he loved me and would never cheat. 13 years into marriage I caught him. Stupid me believed it was a one time slip up. Seven years after that incident, his house of cards started to crumble.

We divorced and then all his ex-mistresses came out of the woodwork. It was crazy!

I’m sure his current girlfriend is being fed the same lies I was at the beginning.

A leopard cannot change his spots.

Why do you think some women tolerate this behavior from their partners long term when they must know or suspect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they can change if they are motivated to change. DH was a serial cheater. He was going to lose everything- me, his job, his friends, respect of his family. He hit rock bottom and started intensive therapy and sexaholics anonymous. He’s 2 years without cheating now. It’s been an arduous process for him and his life has drastically changed. He says he’s now the man he always wanted to be. It depends on the person and whether they want to change and how much effort that put into making a change.

My ex-DH fooled me for years. Confessed to being a cheater when we first met but swore he loved me and would never cheat. 13 years into marriage I caught him. Stupid me believed it was a one time slip up. Seven years after that incident, his house of cards started to crumble.

We divorced and then all his ex-mistresses came out of the woodwork. It was crazy!

I’m sure his current girlfriend is being fed the same lies I was at the beginning.

A leopard cannot change his spots.

Why do you think some women tolerate this behavior from their partners long term when they must know or suspect?

Because they fundamentally blame the OW, like the OR with the reformed DH. She spent the pandemic freaking out and attacking everyone here, including accusations that people here were her husband’s AP, ultimately attacking her husband’s mother as the cheating cause. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

They leave a path of hurt and diminish the women whose lives they touch with their deceit. The serial cheater ultimately only loves him or herself. Do not think that they love or care for you as a spouse or other woman. They don't but they are good manipulators who will make you think they do. Until they tire of you, or get bored, then they will unceremoniously and abruptly leave their life partners for a better model, or breadcrumb and ghost their affair partners. Or else subject their spouses to the ignominious life of being constantly insecure and threatened in their bond. The people left behind or thus hurt, spouses, children, affair partners feel terrible about themselves and often blame themselves. Avoid that trap, it is not you, it is them, and they possess a fundamental flaw. The saving grace is that advanced age eventually decreases or ends such behavior. Those posed selfies where your spouse or partner looks perfect are not just being sent to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They leave a path of hurt and diminish the women whose lives they touch with their deceit. The serial cheater ultimately only loves him or herself. Do not think that they love or care for you as a spouse or other woman. They don't but they are good manipulators who will make you think they do. Until they tire of you, or get bored, then they will unceremoniously and abruptly leave their life partners for a better model, or breadcrumb and ghost their affair partners. Or else subject their spouses to the ignominious life of being constantly insecure and threatened in their bond. The people left behind or thus hurt, spouses, children, affair partners feel terrible about themselves and often blame themselves. Avoid that trap, it is not you, it is them, and they possess a fundamental flaw. The saving grace is that advanced age eventually decreases or ends such behavior. Those posed selfies where your spouse or partner looks perfect are not just being sent to you.

Well a person that is an affair partner should blame themselves. Duh. Who do you think you are having sex with when the man/woman is lying and cheating on their spouse with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had one affair and it was the worst mistake of my life. I cannot imagine doing that again. I think if someone is able to repeatedly enter into a situation where they are lying and deceiving everyone around them, they’re missing something in their soul. Even one affair is really bad and speaks to a deficit of character. But multiple affairs? They’ll never change.

So do you still have a deficit of character, e.g., your one affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They leave a path of hurt and diminish the women whose lives they touch with their deceit. The serial cheater ultimately only loves him or herself. Do not think that they love or care for you as a spouse or other woman. They don't but they are good manipulators who will make you think they do. Until they tire of you, or get bored, then they will unceremoniously and abruptly leave their life partners for a better model, or breadcrumb and ghost their affair partners. Or else subject their spouses to the ignominious life of being constantly insecure and threatened in their bond. The people left behind or thus hurt, spouses, children, affair partners feel terrible about themselves and often blame themselves. Avoid that trap, it is not you, it is them, and they possess a fundamental flaw. The saving grace is that advanced age eventually decreases or ends such behavior. Those posed selfies where your spouse or partner looks perfect are not just being sent to you.

Well a person that is an affair partner should blame themselves. Duh. Who do you think you are having sex with when the man/woman is lying and cheating on their spouse with you?

The cheater, man or woman, inflicts pain and hurt on everyone with their lies and deceit. The affair partner may 'deserve' that pain and hurt, as you morally say, but they suffer in many ways as well. The only party who truly gets what they deserve is the serial cheater, which is why I continue to believe that publicly outing a serial cheater is the only way to truly curb their selfish, bad behavior and make them more honest, faithful spouses and partners. Sad but true, until a cheater feels and internalizes the consequences of their actions -- as opposed to compartmentalizing, deflecting and evading -- they (most) will not change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They leave a path of hurt and diminish the women whose lives they touch with their deceit. The serial cheater ultimately only loves him or herself. Do not think that they love or care for you as a spouse or other woman. They don't but they are good manipulators who will make you think they do. Until they tire of you, or get bored, then they will unceremoniously and abruptly leave their life partners for a better model, or breadcrumb and ghost their affair partners. Or else subject their spouses to the ignominious life of being constantly insecure and threatened in their bond. The people left behind or thus hurt, spouses, children, affair partners feel terrible about themselves and often blame themselves. Avoid that trap, it is not you, it is them, and they possess a fundamental flaw. The saving grace is that advanced age eventually decreases or ends such behavior. Those posed selfies where your spouse or partner looks perfect are not just being sent to you.

Well a person that is an affair partner should blame themselves. Duh. Who do you think you are having sex with when the man/woman is lying and cheating on their spouse with you?

The cheater, man or woman, inflicts pain and hurt on everyone with their lies and deceit. The affair partner may 'deserve' that pain and hurt, as you morally say, but they suffer in many ways as well. The only party who truly gets what they deserve is the serial cheater, which is why I continue to believe that publicly outing a serial cheater is the only way to truly curb their selfish, bad behavior and make them more honest, faithful spouses and partners. Sad but true, until a cheater feels and internalizes the consequences of their actions -- as opposed to compartmentalizing, deflecting and evading -- they (most) will not change.

I think you are discounting that the vast majority of affairs are between two married people. They are both 'APs'. Equally as fault.