Serial cheaters: Can/Do they ever change?

[Anonymous]

All people are a mix of good and bad, rarely is a person just one thing or the other. Some people who are very accomplished professionally, for example, are not very nice personally. Other people are generally very nice, but have some failing or unhealthy trait. It is not hard to imagine that an extramarital cheater can also be a nice woman or a good guy, or even an asset to their families. Such things happen in life, accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may not be able to reform their cheating ways, but they can nevertheless make loving and supportive spouses and fathers who will always remain committed to their families. I know one such man, cheated on his fiancee during their years-long courtship and engagement, cheated throughout the marriage, continues to cheat now into his 60s, BUT he is an incredibly supportive husband who loves his family dearly. That marriage is still going strong after 26 years and thress older children. The wife (or husband) simply has to be willing and able to put the suspected cheating out of their minds for it to work.

This is actually disturbing. Was the fiancé/wife aware of the infidelity and decided to work through it? Do they have some type of agreement?

I have no idea. Though I am friends with the husband and he has been forthcoming about his affairs, he respects a boundary when it comes to discussing his wife. He loves her and I have never heard him say a critical word about his wife, quite the opposite, he has always sung her praises. I have not asked whether she knows about his affairs throughout their 36 years (marriage plus dating and engagement) , but she must suspect something, how could she not? If so, she has put those feelings aside and decided that the benefits of this otherwise good man far outweigh his weaknesses.

Just FYI, your friend is a sociopath.

Also, you state that you have "no idea", yet you go on to make an assumption that the wife has put her feelings "aside" and "decided that the benefits of this otherwise good man far outweigh his weaknesses"? WTAF?

Your posts are bonkers.

Maybe she’s the AP.

Yes, that's the one. She's his AP otherwise she wouldn't have these intimate talks with this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serial? Highly, highly, highly unlikely. Get your ducks in a row and get out.

We weren’t even married! Already out and of course the apologies, confessionals, promise to get help, etc have been coming. Blocked to preserve my sanity and got a letter in the mail. Oy!

IGNORE that crap. That person is trying to "hoover" you. Do NOT take the bait. Look up "hoovering"; that is exactly what is happening here. And a letter in the mail? Good lord, don't even read it, throw it in the trash.

Do not make the same mistake I did.

What happened, PP? You believed the cheater's pleas and the behavior continued?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course they can. Anyone who wants to can change. But I guess the folks in this thread think that’s not what most cheaters want?

I don’t know. I was a serial cheater for about a decade. We had kids and I’ve not done it in the ten years since. I have a wandering eye but I don’t go there. It’s not worth losing my family.

Were you caught? Is that why you stopped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If so, what did you/they do to get there? Feeling like it doesn’t happen… I’m not btw, just a victim wondering if a leopard can change its spots…

No, never ever. Serial cheaters do not change. These people are personality-disordered, have zero empathy, and lack a moral compass.

The serial cheaters I knew weren’t like this. They were very caring and generous people. Just thought sex wasn’t a big deal so having it with others didn’t really mean anything.

This was my experience too. Generally outgoing and charming men, the sex with others had zero to do with how they felt about their wives

Only it destroys their wives when they find out. Hardly admirable and deeply damaging to another person and their kids.

A wife won’t think they are caring and generous when she finds out. She will suffer great trauma at the betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All people are a mix of good and bad, rarely is a person just one thing or the other. Some people who are very accomplished professionally, for example, are not very nice personally. Other people are generally very nice, but have some failing or unhealthy trait. It is not hard to imagine that an extramarital cheater can also be a nice woman or a good guy, or even an asset to their families. Such things happen in life, accept it.

Yeah. Not. I will not accept a spouse’s cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All people are a mix of good and bad, rarely is a person just one thing or the other. Some people who are very accomplished professionally, for example, are not very nice personally. Other people are generally very nice, but have some failing or unhealthy trait. It is not hard to imagine that an extramarital cheater can also be a nice woman or a good guy, or even an asset to their families. Such things happen in life, accept it.

The lying, gaslighting and manipulation required to cheat serially indicates character flaws that can cancel out a person's good qualities. Who'd put up with that?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All people are a mix of good and bad, rarely is a person just one thing or the other. Some people who are very accomplished professionally, for example, are not very nice personally. Other people are generally very nice, but have some failing or unhealthy trait. It is not hard to imagine that an extramarital cheater can also be a nice woman or a good guy, or even an asset to their families. Such things happen in life, accept it.

The lying, gaslighting and manipulation required to cheat serially indicates character flaws that can cancel out a person's good qualities. Who'd put up with that?!

Not just flaws, often mental disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may not be able to reform their cheating ways, but they can nevertheless make loving and supportive spouses and fathers who will always remain committed to their families. I know one such man, cheated on his fiancee during their years-long courtship and engagement, cheated throughout the marriage, continues to cheat now into his 60s, BUT he is an incredibly supportive husband who loves his family dearly. That marriage is still going strong after 26 years and thress older children. The wife (or husband) simply has to be willing and able to put the suspected cheating out of their minds for it to work.

This is actually disturbing. Was the fiancé/wife aware of the infidelity and decided to work through it? Do they have some type of agreement?

I have no idea. Though I am friends with the husband and he has been forthcoming about his affairs, he respects a boundary when it comes to discussing his wife. He loves her and I have never heard him say a critical word about his wife, quite the opposite, he has always sung her praises. I have not asked whether she knows about his affairs throughout their 36 years (marriage plus dating and engagement) , but she must suspect something, how could she not? If so, she has put those feelings aside and decided that the benefits of this otherwise good man far outweigh his weaknesses.

Just FYI, your friend is a sociopath.

Also, you state that you have "no idea", yet you go on to make an assumption that the wife has put her feelings "aside" and "decided that the benefits of this otherwise good man far outweigh his weaknesses"? WTAF?

Your posts are bonkers.

The man is a friend that is almost like a brother to me and my siblings because our families were very close and we grew up in the same neighborhood, attended school together and were in the same grade. He is hardly a sociopath but rather one of the most empathetic and sympathetic individuals and friends you could want. His profesionally successful and lovely wife and happy, well-adjusted kids would be the first to tell you what a supportive, helpful and loving spouse and dad he is. He builds people up daily in word and actions. The cheating is an aberration in his personality and I should clarify that many years (e.g., 6) can go by without an affair. He is in a profession that is sometimes associated with infidelity because of situational circumstances.

The only reason I assume his wife must suspect something is because I am a wife myself and when my own husband devastatingly cheated on me, the suspicion of that manifested itself in every ounce of my body even before I knew. I do not condone my friend's behavior -- we've discussed it over the years in the way that people who are almost like siblings can -- he knows it is wrong, he feels bad about it and has tried to change, he risks his marriage and family, not to mention the pain he has caused other women, but he cannot quit, though as I say the affairs are further between as he gets older.

Perhaps his wife has never suspected a thing, or maybe they have some sort of arrangement to look the other way on these sorts of things (she is from a different country than he). I do not delve into her thoughts or what she may or may not know, and he of course must know but has never offered that information.

Wow. This a WHOLE LOT of rationalizing someone's appalling, amoral behavior.

And by the way, sociopaths and other personality-disordered people learn at an early age how to mimic emotions from others. They can fake empathy. It's all "emotional mimicry". High-functioning sociopaths are extremely skilled at faking emotion and can seem like the most empathetic, genuine person when they don't actually feel those emotions; it's all a ruse. Then they go do things like live double lives, commit long-term serial adultery, and worse, without remorse. Your "explanation" above is so chock full of red flags it's incredible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may not be able to reform their cheating ways, but they can nevertheless make loving and supportive spouses and fathers who will always remain committed to their families. I know one such man, cheated on his fiancee during their years-long courtship and engagement, cheated throughout the marriage, continues to cheat now into his 60s, BUT he is an incredibly supportive husband who loves his family dearly. That marriage is still going strong after 26 years and thress older children. The wife (or husband) simply has to be willing and able to put the suspected cheating out of their minds for it to work.

This is actually disturbing. Was the fiancé/wife aware of the infidelity and decided to work through it? Do they have some type of agreement?

I have no idea. Though I am friends with the husband and he has been forthcoming about his affairs, he respects a boundary when it comes to discussing his wife. He loves her and I have never heard him say a critical word about his wife, quite the opposite, he has always sung her praises. I have not asked whether she knows about his affairs throughout their 36 years (marriage plus dating and engagement) , but she must suspect something, how could she not? If so, she has put those feelings aside and decided that the benefits of this otherwise good man far outweigh his weaknesses.

Just FYI, your friend is a sociopath.

Also, you state that you have "no idea", yet you go on to make an assumption that the wife has put her feelings "aside" and "decided that the benefits of this otherwise good man far outweigh his weaknesses"? WTAF?

Your posts are bonkers.

The man is a friend that is almost like a brother to me and my siblings because our families were very close and we grew up in the same neighborhood, attended school together and were in the same grade. He is hardly a sociopath but rather one of the most empathetic and sympathetic individuals and friends you could want. His profesionally successful and lovely wife and happy, well-adjusted kids would be the first to tell you what a supportive, helpful and loving spouse and dad he is. He builds people up daily in word and actions. The cheating is an aberration in his personality and I should clarify that many years (e.g., 6) can go by without an affair. He is in a profession that is sometimes associated with infidelity because of situational circumstances.

The only reason I assume his wife must suspect something is because I am a wife myself and when my own husband devastatingly cheated on me, the suspicion of that manifested itself in every ounce of my body even before I knew. I do not condone my friend's behavior -- we've discussed it over the years in the way that people who are almost like siblings can -- he knows it is wrong, he feels bad about it and has tried to change, he risks his marriage and family, not to mention the pain he has caused other women, but he cannot quit, though as I say the affairs are further between as he gets older.

Perhaps his wife has never suspected a thing, or maybe they have some sort of arrangement to look the other way on these sorts of things (she is from a different country than he). I do not delve into her thoughts or what she may or may not know, and he of course must know but has never offered that information.

Wow. This a WHOLE LOT of rationalizing someone's appalling, amoral behavior.

And by the way, sociopaths and other personality-disordered people learn at an early age how to mimic emotions from others. They can fake empathy. It's all "emotional mimicry". High-functioning sociopaths are extremely skilled at faking emotion and can seem like the most empathetic, genuine person when they don't actually feel those emotions; it's all a ruse. Then they go do things like live double lives, commit long-term serial adultery, and worse, without remorse. Your "explanation" above is so chock full of red flags it's incredible.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

I thought my ex acted out by cheating due to alcoholism/drug addiction. I had never known ex not in active addiction, and frankly we were on the younger end so it developed over time. Our teenager was recently diagnosed with bipolar and I have been considering that ex may have cheated repeatedly in manic episodes. It's actually triggered me a bit years later knowing that ex may have been suffering through an undiagnosed mental disorder and never had any treatment, just self medicated and it camouflaged the true cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may not be able to reform their cheating ways, but they can nevertheless make loving and supportive spouses and fathers who will always remain committed to their families. I know one such man, cheated on his fiancee during their years-long courtship and engagement, cheated throughout the marriage, continues to cheat now into his 60s, BUT he is an incredibly supportive husband who loves his family dearly. That marriage is still going strong after 26 years and thress older children. The wife (or husband) simply has to be willing and able to put the suspected cheating out of their minds for it to work.

This is actually disturbing. Was the fiancé/wife aware of the infidelity and decided to work through it? Do they have some type of agreement?

I have no idea. Though I am friends with the husband and he has been forthcoming about his affairs, he respects a boundary when it comes to discussing his wife. He loves her and I have never heard him say a critical word about his wife, quite the opposite, he has always sung her praises. I have not asked whether she knows about his affairs throughout their 36 years (marriage plus dating and engagement) , but she must suspect something, how could she not? If so, she has put those feelings aside and decided that the benefits of this otherwise good man far outweigh his weaknesses.

Just FYI, your friend is a sociopath.

Also, you state that you have "no idea", yet you go on to make an assumption that the wife has put her feelings "aside" and "decided that the benefits of this otherwise good man far outweigh his weaknesses"? WTAF?

Your posts are bonkers.

The man is a friend that is almost like a brother to me and my siblings because our families were very close and we grew up in the same neighborhood, attended school together and were in the same grade. He is hardly a sociopath but rather one of the most empathetic and sympathetic individuals and friends you could want. His profesionally successful and lovely wife and happy, well-adjusted kids would be the first to tell you what a supportive, helpful and loving spouse and dad he is. He builds people up daily in word and actions. The cheating is an aberration in his personality and I should clarify that many years (e.g., 6) can go by without an affair. He is in a profession that is sometimes associated with infidelity because of situational circumstances.

The only reason I assume his wife must suspect something is because I am a wife myself and when my own husband devastatingly cheated on me, the suspicion of that manifested itself in every ounce of my body even before I knew. I do not condone my friend's behavior -- we've discussed it over the years in the way that people who are almost like siblings can -- he knows it is wrong, he feels bad about it and has tried to change, he risks his marriage and family, not to mention the pain he has caused other women, but he cannot quit, though as I say the affairs are further between as he gets older.

Perhaps his wife has never suspected a thing, or maybe they have some sort of arrangement to look the other way on these sorts of things (she is from a different country than he). I do not delve into her thoughts or what she may or may not know, and he of course must know but has never offered that information.

Wow. This a WHOLE LOT of rationalizing someone's appalling, amoral behavior.

And by the way, sociopaths and other personality-disordered people learn at an early age how to mimic emotions from others. They can fake empathy. It's all "emotional mimicry". High-functioning sociopaths are extremely skilled at faking emotion and can seem like the most empathetic, genuine person when they don't actually feel those emotions; it's all a ruse. Then they go do things like live double lives, commit long-term serial adultery, and worse, without remorse. Your "explanation" above is so chock full of red flags it's incredible.

+1,000

I'd love to live a double life.

[Anonymous]

I know 2 male serial cheaters. One is a friend from my hs days. He has cheated on every woman he's been in a relationship with. If you know him well you know this. He never admits to the cheating--they are always "just friends" and the woman he is in a relationship with is always wrong about her suspicions. Enough of the females he has cheated with have been very open about the details. I don't believe he will ever change.

The second cheater is a former co-worker. I know less about his situation but from the outside looking in he seemed to have cheated with anyone who would let him. He was married when I first started working with him. He kept having affairs with married women at the office even after he was divorced. I don't believe he will ever change either.

If someone gets drunk and has a ONS, feels terrible, comes clean and gets help I can see why you'd have some hope that they wouldn't do it again. A serial cheater is different. The CANNOT care about the harm they are doing--physical or emotional--and keep doing it and doing it....

[Anonymous]

I know a guy who has cheated in every relationship. He simply cannot be monogamous so now he only does open relationships.

[Anonymous]

I will say that my childhood friend exhibits a manipulative side. For example, he has a stable of stories about traumatic life experiences, all true, that I have seen him employ in a charm offensive over the years at parties, a part of his human seduction manual designed to garner sympathy, and portray himself as the good, sensitive guy. I have eyeroll only because I have heard them so many times over the years and know their purpose.

Also, he tends to have affairs with women who are suffering from low self-esteem, much younger women with weight issues, or women closer to his age whose husbands have left them. That said, his nurturing and supportive personality does give them some confidence. In the case of one young woman she has subsequently lost the weight and has become a professional rock star in his area of expertise.