Serial cheaters: Can/Do they ever change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All people are a mix of good and bad, rarely is a person just one thing or the other. Some people who are very accomplished professionally, for example, are not very nice personally. Other people are generally very nice, but have some failing or unhealthy trait. It is not hard to imagine that an extramarital cheater can also be a nice woman or a good guy, or even an asset to their families. Such things happen in life, accept it.

Yeah. Not. I will not accept a spouse’s cheating.

Exactly. In PP's life all they've known is dysfunction, so it's more normalized. Like people who steal, do drugs, stay on welfare because those around them have modeled that behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say that my childhood friend exhibits a manipulative side. For example, he has a stable of stories about traumatic life experiences, all true, that I have seen him employ in a charm offensive over the years at parties, a part of his human seduction manual designed to garner sympathy, and portray himself as the good, sensitive guy. I have eyeroll only because I have heard them so many times over the years and know their purpose.

Also, he tends to have affairs with women who are suffering from low self-esteem, much younger women with weight issues, or women closer to his age whose husbands have left them. That said, his nurturing and supportive personality does give them some confidence. In the case of one young woman she has subsequently lost the weight and has become a professional rock star in his area of expertise.

Wait, are you the PP talking about your sociopath serial-cheating friend?

The lack of true awareness here is astounding. You do realize that his "nurturing and supportive personality" is a total fake, right? It's a mask. And the bolded above is...I just can't. That's insane.

You are the perfect target of a sociopath (friend or otherwise). Yikes.

[Anonymous]

I have a hard time believing that someone I know as family can always be "on" so as to constantly fake the good qualities. Clearly his friends and family who all like him, feel similarly. As I have stated, I do see through some of the ruse and manipulation, but I think there is a genuine kindness and goodness as well. In friends and family we sometimes accept and tolerate the bad with the good. Life is not black and white, and the nuances and in-between is difficult to understand and navigate. I have seen for myself how his sacrifice and work for his family allowed his wife the time and energy to pursue her own goals and dreams successfully.

[Anonymous]

And perhaps that is the tradeoff, though I do not know her intimacies, but perhaps she prefers an unfaithful spouse who encourages and supports her success, to a faithful one who resents her and holds her back.

[Anonymous]

This thread is not developing in the way some people had probably thought it would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is not developing in the way some people had probably thought it would.

For whom? It develops in the way that every single thread on cheating goes.
Cheater is an awful person who can never reform.
Divorce, leave, never consider reconciling.
Everyone is an expert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All people are a mix of good and bad, rarely is a person just one thing or the other. Some people who are very accomplished professionally, for example, are not very nice personally. Other people are generally very nice, but have some failing or unhealthy trait. It is not hard to imagine that an extramarital cheater can also be a nice woman or a good guy, or even an asset to their families. Such things happen in life, accept it.

Yeah. Not. I will not accept a spouse’s cheating.

Exactly. In PP's life all they've known is dysfunction, so it's more normalized. Like people who steal, do drugs, stay on welfare because those around them have modeled that behavior.

I grew up in a stable, multi-generational, upper middle class household in the wholesome midwest to parents who loved each other and were married until my dad's death. I am simply a realist, not a victim of dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is not developing in the way some people had probably thought it would.

Seems like there's damn near a playbook as most cheaters follow very similar patterns, especially once they're caught. Bottom line is cheaters, especially those of the serial variety, will not change.

[Anonymous]

I never change, captain crunch always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is not developing in the way some people had probably thought it would.

For whom? It develops in the way that every single thread on cheating goes.
Cheater is an awful person who can never reform.
Divorce, leave, never consider reconciling.
Everyone (except for you) is an expert.

+1 Agree w edits above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All people are a mix of good and bad, rarely is a person just one thing or the other. Some people who are very accomplished professionally, for example, are not very nice personally. Other people are generally very nice, but have some failing or unhealthy trait. It is not hard to imagine that an extramarital cheater can also be a nice woman or a good guy, or even an asset to their families. Such things happen in life, accept it.

That's not true. Often bad people present a very nice image outwardly to others. For example, a wife beater/abuser/cheater is often thought of by their friends as the great guy married to the "crazy spouse". By your faulty reasoning even the serial killer can be a mix of good and bad. Decent people don't do any of the above, no one should accept any such behavior in life.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. All the people on this thread who think cheating is indicative of a mental disorder, sociopathic personality, evil, etc. Please read a book. Your post-industrial, western, protestant cultural values do not define mental illness and sociopathy. People have been "cheating" for forever and will continue to do so and it doesn't mean they're mentally ill or sociopaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is not developing in the way some people had probably thought it would.

Seems like there's damn near a playbook as most cheaters follow very similar patterns, especially once they're caught. Bottom line is cheaters, especially those of the serial variety, will not change.

True in probably 99.9% of the cases. Often their spouses are victims that are co-dependent, with a more naive personality. A more aware woman would have spotted the red flags early on. They are a type of predator like any other that endangers themselves, and their spouse by living a risky lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. All the people on this thread who think cheating is indicative of a mental disorder, sociopathic personality, evil, etc. Please read a book. Your post-industrial, western, protestant cultural values do not define mental illness and sociopathy. People have been "cheating" for forever and will continue to do so and it doesn't mean they're mentally ill or sociopaths.

Of course it's a mental disorder, that's been known for quite sometime. The cheating is the symptom of the bigger problem. It can range from BPD, narcissism, or other PDs. Narcissism and infidelity have a strong correlation to psychopathy. Cheating is external, it is using something outside the marriage to fill a void. That problem is within oneself. Otherwise healthy people use a internal approach to solve their issues. Confront the problem head on, and a solution for a healthy resolution.

[Anonymous]

No. Why would they?