Serial cheaters: Can/Do they ever change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easy enough to publicly out two of the cheaters I know. One is a prominent person whose family is secondary to their professional career and success, and the other just the opposite, a more ordinary person whose own career did not fully develop and whose family obligations are primary. Both very hurtful in their own ways, but the first more devastatingly so to their family. The second somewhat compensates for their cheating behavior by tending to their family.

So a SAHM and a dude that is rich? You sound very much like you are giving her a pass and holding him more responsible. I guess her husband that has been financially supporting her his entire life might feel differently.

Actually, both serial cheaters are of the same sex in the examples I am referring to. Neither one gets a pass in my book, but one caused less damage to their family by remaining in their longterm marriage and assuming equal if not primary responsibility for the children and the home, so that the latter appears to all eyes to have a happy, intact, loving, enviable and well-adjusted family life, whereas the former does not.

But just exposes the spouse to disease/non-monogamy and gaslights/lies to live the secret life. Yeah, admirable.

Wouldn't the one that didn't divorce but was still lying and having sex behind their back....the SAHM/W be a worse person? Just sayin'

You sound very strange doing this mental gymnastics with sliding scale of integrity/morals.

Yeah "the latter' is living a phony life and deceiving the very person that puts a roof over their head and funds their lifestyle. Think about what that will do when the gig is up and the children and spouse find out about this long term deception. The longer the betrayal goes on the more devastating and traumatic. "Your friend" is not a good or admirable person.

The children are all nearly grown and out of the house so the one serial cheater's double life (with/out the tacit acceptance of the spouse) appears to have held up well only in terms of maintaining stability throughout the kids' childhood. In the case of the other serial cheater the wheels of the cart came badly off during the children's years at home.

[Anonymous]

Also the spouse of the one serial cheater with the intact family continues, by all appearances, to be doing well every respect. Whereas the spouse of the other serial cheater is visibly decimated and defeated by the whole affair (pardon the pun). Stability appears to make a difference in those two anecdotes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also the spouse of the one serial cheater with the intact family continues, by all appearances, to be doing well every respect. Whereas the spouse of the other serial cheater is visibly decimated and defeated by the whole affair (pardon the pun). Stability appears to make a difference in those two anecdotes.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors, most likely not so well. And I’m guessing it’s the difference between getting caught or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also the spouse of the one serial cheater with the intact family continues, by all appearances, to be doing well every respect. Whereas the spouse of the other serial cheater is visibly decimated and defeated by the whole affair (pardon the pun). Stability appears to make a difference in those two anecdotes.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors, most likely not so well. And I’m guessing it’s the difference between getting caught or not.

When you don’t love your spouse you don’t care what they do. That’s the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also the spouse of the one serial cheater with the intact family continues, by all appearances, to be doing well every respect. Whereas the spouse of the other serial cheater is visibly decimated and defeated by the whole affair (pardon the pun). Stability appears to make a difference in those two anecdotes.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors, most likely not so well. And I’m guessing it’s the difference between getting caught or not.

When you don’t love your spouse you don’t care what they do. That’s the difference.

The SAHM cheater’s spouse is cheating too. That’s the difference

That’s why he couldn’t give a crap what she does. Just make sure dinner is on the table. I have a late “work meeting”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also the spouse of the one serial cheater with the intact family continues, by all appearances, to be doing well every respect. Whereas the spouse of the other serial cheater is visibly decimated and defeated by the whole affair (pardon the pun). Stability appears to make a difference in those two anecdotes.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors, most likely not so well. And I’m guessing it’s the difference between getting caught or not.

When you don’t love your spouse you don’t care what they do. That’s the difference.

The SAHM cheater’s spouse is cheating too. That’s the difference

That’s why he couldn’t give a crap what she does. Just make sure dinner is on the table. I have a late “work meeting”.

He will leave her high and dry once last kid leaves and her infidelity as a springboard reason when he gets a better model. One that can earn and is younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easy enough to publicly out two of the cheaters I know. One is a prominent person whose family is secondary to their professional career and success, and the other just the opposite, a more ordinary person whose own career did not fully develop and whose family obligations are primary. Both very hurtful in their own ways, but the first more devastatingly so to their family. The second somewhat compensates for their cheating behavior by tending to their family.

So a SAHM and a dude that is rich? You sound very much like you are giving her a pass and holding him more responsible. I guess her husband that has been financially supporting her his entire life might feel differently.

Actually, both serial cheaters are of the same sex in the examples I am referring to. Neither one gets a pass in my book, but one caused less damage to their family by remaining in their longterm marriage and assuming equal if not primary responsibility for the children and the home, so that the latter appears to all eyes to have a happy, intact, loving, enviable and well-adjusted family life, whereas the former does not.

But just exposes the spouse to disease/non-monogamy and gaslights/lies to live the secret life. Yeah, admirable.

Wouldn't the one that didn't divorce but was still lying and having sex behind their back....the SAHM/W be a worse person? Just sayin'

You sound very strange doing this mental gymnastics with sliding scale of integrity/morals.

Yeah "the latter' is living a phony life and deceiving the very person that puts a roof over their head and funds their lifestyle. Think about what that will do when the gig is up and the children and spouse find out about this long term deception. The longer the betrayal goes on the more devastating and traumatic. "Your friend" is not a good or admirable person.

The children are all nearly grown and out of the house so the one serial cheater's double life (with/out the tacit acceptance of the spouse) appears to have held up well only in terms of maintaining stability throughout the kids' childhood. In the case of the other serial cheater the wheels of the cart came badly off during the children's years at home.

You mean “your children are nearly grown and out if the house” . You don’t know these people well but se to know an awful lot about them and be very invested.

Will you continue to cheat once the children leave? Or finally get a job and a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easy enough to publicly out two of the cheaters I know. One is a prominent person whose family is secondary to their professional career and success, and the other just the opposite, a more ordinary person whose own career did not fully develop and whose family obligations are primary. Both very hurtful in their own ways, but the first more devastatingly so to their family. The second somewhat compensates for their cheating behavior by tending to their family.

So a SAHM and a dude that is rich? You sound very much like you are giving her a pass and holding him more responsible. I guess her husband that has been financially supporting her his entire life might feel differently.

Actually, both serial cheaters are of the same sex in the examples I am referring to. Neither one gets a pass in my book, but one caused less damage to their family by remaining in their longterm marriage and assuming equal if not primary responsibility for the children and the home, so that the latter appears to all eyes to have a happy, intact, loving, enviable and well-adjusted family life, whereas the former does not.

But just exposes the spouse to disease/non-monogamy and gaslights/lies to live the secret life. Yeah, admirable.

Wouldn't the one that didn't divorce but was still lying and having sex behind their back....the SAHM/W be a worse person? Just sayin'

You sound very strange doing this mental gymnastics with sliding scale of integrity/morals.

Yeah "the latter' is living a phony life and deceiving the very person that puts a roof over their head and funds their lifestyle. Think about what that will do when the gig is up and the children and spouse find out about this long term deception. The longer the betrayal goes on the more devastating and traumatic. "Your friend" is not a good or admirable person.

The children are all nearly grown and out of the house so the one serial cheater's double life (with/out the tacit acceptance of the spouse) appears to have held up well only in terms of maintaining stability throughout the kids' childhood. In the case of the other serial cheater the wheels of the cart came badly off during the children's years at home.

You mean “your children are nearly grown and out if the house” . You don’t know these people well but se to know an awful lot about them and be very invested.

Will you continue to cheat once the children leave? Or finally get a job and a divorce?

I can't believe anyone is touting a double life, cheating on a spouse with affairs the entire marriage....oh "But it was great for the good of the children " like it is a good thing. What absolutely disgusting people to do this to a spouse. I don't know how they can look themselves in the mirror.

[Anonymous]

^ they don’t. They walk past the mirror without one glance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ they don’t. They walk past the mirror without one glance.

Nah. Narcissists love mirrors

[Anonymous]

My exBF cheated on everyone he dated and most likely the one woman he married, who promptly left him after their child was born. Lots of overlap with women and reconnecting with previous exes. He was super loving and affectionate and present with me which was enough for a while. Dropped him like a hot potato once I found out he’s done the same to me, and I understand he gave me all the hints I needed (and more!). These people DO NOT change, their character flaws are so ingrained, it’s almost impossible for them to change their ways.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a LTR relationship now and have never cheated on her, but I cheated plenty in the past. It is a line to cross and my only regret is I didn't cross it sooner back when I was in a horrible marriage with plenty of opportunity. Once crossed, it's no problem at all to cross again. So yes, once a cheater, always at least the potential to cheat again is much more likely.