Serial cheaters: Can/Do they ever change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. All the people on this thread who think cheating is indicative of a mental disorder, sociopathic personality, evil, etc. Please read a book. Your post-industrial, western, protestant cultural values do not define mental illness and sociopathy. People have been "cheating" for forever and will continue to do so and it doesn't mean they're mentally ill or sociopaths.

It's like saying people have been doing drugs forever....and it doesn't mean their not stable. Seriously??? All self defeating behavior comes from within...fyi

https://www.bustle.com/p/9-thought-patterns-beliefs-serial-cheaters-have-in-common-13152806

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. All the people on this thread who think cheating is indicative of a mental disorder, sociopathic personality, evil, etc. Please read a book. Your post-industrial, western, protestant cultural values do not define mental illness and sociopathy. People have been "cheating" for forever and will continue to do so and it doesn't mean they're mentally ill or sociopaths.

Nope. Most are not certifiable, just lying ass liars who'll do and say anything to have their cake and eat it too without regard for others until they get caught, then they do it again! It would be different if the desire to be with others was expressed openly and agreed upon by all parties, as in some cultures. It's the gaslighting, compartmentalizing, and deep deception that send it toward the realm of pathology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. All the people on this thread who think cheating is indicative of a mental disorder, sociopathic personality, evil, etc. Please read a book. Your post-industrial, western, protestant cultural values do not define mental illness and sociopathy. People have been "cheating" for forever and will continue to do so and it doesn't mean they're mentally ill or sociopaths.

Nope. Most are not certifiable, just lying ass liars who'll do and say anything to have their cake and eat it too without regard for others until they get caught, then they do it again! It would be different if the desire to be with others was expressed openly and agreed upon by all parties, as in some cultures. It's the gaslighting, compartmentalizing, and deep deception that send it toward the realm of pathology.

True. And it's not a one time mistake, it's something pathological and continuous.

It's been well written about, not sure why pp doesn't know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course they can. Anyone who wants to can change. But I guess the folks in this thread think that’s not what most cheaters want?

I don’t know. I was a serial cheater for about a decade. We had kids and I’ve not done it in the ten years since. I have a wandering eye but I don’t go there. It’s not worth losing my family.

Were you caught? Is that why you stopped?

No, for better or worse I wasn't and I feel a lot of guilt about it. I've thought about telling my partner but have not been able to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course they can. Anyone who wants to can change. But I guess the folks in this thread think that’s not what most cheaters want?

I don’t know. I was a serial cheater for about a decade. We had kids and I’ve not done it in the ten years since. I have a wandering eye but I don’t go there. It’s not worth losing my family.

Were you caught? Is that why you stopped?

No, for better or worse I wasn't and I feel a lot of guilt about it. I've thought about telling my partner but have not been able to.

Do not tell her. Mid-life will test your resilience and resolve again, as the children get older and start to move on. Practice and build the love in your marriage often to prepare your strength against that temptation now.

[Anonymous]

^ That is terrible advice. They could build a stronger marriage - where the wife has her agency returned to her - if he was honest and they worked hard to reconcile. There are always difficulties in a marriage, he should be honest and build a strong marriage because its what his wife deserves, not to avoid cheating again. Smh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. All the people on this thread who think cheating is indicative of a mental disorder, sociopathic personality, evil, etc. Please read a book. Your post-industrial, western, protestant cultural values do not define mental illness and sociopathy. People have been "cheating" for forever and will continue to do so and it doesn't mean they're mentally ill or sociopaths.

It's like saying people have been doing drugs forever....and it doesn't mean their not stable. Seriously??? All self defeating behavior comes from within...fyi

https://www.bustle.com/p/9-thought-patterns-beliefs-serial-cheaters-have-in-common-13152806

Yes, people have been doing drugs forever. And no, it doesn't mean they aren't stable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. All the people on this thread who think cheating is indicative of a mental disorder, sociopathic personality, evil, etc. Please read a book. Your post-industrial, western, protestant cultural values do not define mental illness and sociopathy. People have been "cheating" for forever and will continue to do so and it doesn't mean they're mentally ill or sociopaths.

Maybe not, but they're miserable assh*les.
And I say this as someone who has cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. All the people on this thread who think cheating is indicative of a mental disorder, sociopathic personality, evil, etc. Please read a book. Your post-industrial, western, protestant cultural values do not define mental illness and sociopathy. People have been "cheating" for forever and will continue to do so and it doesn't mean they're mentally ill or sociopaths.

Nope. Most are not certifiable, just lying ass liars who'll do and say anything to have their cake and eat it too without regard for others until they get caught, then they do it again! It would be different if the desire to be with others was expressed openly and agreed upon by all parties, as in some cultures. It's the gaslighting, compartmentalizing, and deep deception that send it toward the realm of pathology.

True. And it's not a one time mistake, it's something pathological and continuous.

It's been well written about, not sure why pp doesn't know this.

Because PP uses Bustle.com as a source of succinct, no-nonsense, reliable information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ That is terrible advice. They could build a stronger marriage - where the wife has her agency returned to her - if he was honest and they worked hard to reconcile. There are always difficulties in a marriage, he should be honest and build a strong marriage because its what his wife deserves, not to avoid cheating again. Smh.

I’m just going to be real. Everybody can’t handle the truth. Sometimes telling is more about relieving your guilt than operating in a spirit of open integrity. There is an argument to be made for the integrity of upholding the functionality and best l’arts of your spouse.


This is such a unique consideration. There are others who would die at the thought of the secrecy and refusal to disclose the truth. But they can handle it and probably wouldn’t be on an episode of Snapped.

[Anonymous]

By the way. Tell me. I want to know, and it doesn’t mean ultimate dissolution; I listen.

But I’m no one’s fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If so, what did you/they do to get there? Feeling like it doesn’t happen… I’m not btw, just a victim wondering if a leopard can change its spots…

No, never ever. Serial cheaters do not change. These people are personality-disordered, have zero empathy, and lack a moral compass.

The serial cheaters I knew weren’t like this. They were very caring and generous people. Just thought sex wasn’t a big deal so having it with others didn’t really mean anything.

This makes sense. For a lot of people casual sex is not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If so, what did you/they do to get there? Feeling like it doesn’t happen… I’m not btw, just a victim wondering if a leopard can change its spots…

No, never ever. Serial cheaters do not change. These people are personality-disordered, have zero empathy, and lack a moral compass.

The serial cheaters I knew weren’t like this. They were very caring and generous people. Just thought sex wasn’t a big deal so having it with others didn’t really mean anything.

This makes sense. For a lot of people casual sex is not a big deal.

Maybe not to them—but certainly to their spouses and gf/bfs that lie to and let them believe that they are monogamous, thereby exposing them to disease and non-consensual non-monogamy. And the inherent lying and dishonesty it takes to keep it a secret.

You think casual sex is no big deal? Then don’t get married or only marry somebody that wants an open relationship. Otherwise, you are complete garbage.

[Anonymous]

No, they do not reform. And yes, the amount of deceit and compartmentalization takes a toll on the wife, children and other women. It is funny because a man who once tried unsuccessfully to talk me into an extramarital affair told me that I had to learn to "compartmentalize" or put away the men in my life as I might put away valuables in a drawer, to be treasured and kept, and pulled out occasionally as required. (His general description.)

[Anonymous]

That "treasure" of a serial cheater had an affair on his then mid 40-something wife with a then late 20-something intern that worked with the wife, potentially undermining both women's careers. Luckily six years on both women continue to thrive professionally and he, lout that he is (though now in his 60s), still carries on extramarital affairs.