Serial cheaters: Can/Do they ever change?

[Anonymous]

It would be easy enough to publicly out two of the cheaters I know. One is a prominent person whose family is secondary to their professional career and success, and the other just the opposite, a more ordinary person whose own career did not fully develop and whose family obligations are primary. Both very hurtful in their own ways, but the first more devastatingly so to their family. The second somewhat compensates for their cheating behavior by tending to their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They leave a path of hurt and diminish the women whose lives they touch with their deceit. The serial cheater ultimately only loves him or herself. Do not think that they love or care for you as a spouse or other woman. They don't but they are good manipulators who will make you think they do. Until they tire of you, or get bored, then they will unceremoniously and abruptly leave their life partners for a better model, or breadcrumb and ghost their affair partners. Or else subject their spouses to the ignominious life of being constantly insecure and threatened in their bond. The people left behind or thus hurt, spouses, children, affair partners feel terrible about themselves and often blame themselves. Avoid that trap, it is not you, it is them, and they possess a fundamental flaw. The saving grace is that advanced age eventually decreases or ends such behavior. Those posed selfies where your spouse or partner looks perfect are not just being sent to you.

Well a person that is an affair partner should blame themselves. Duh. Who do you think you are having sex with when the man/woman is lying and cheating on their spouse with you?

The cheater, man or woman, inflicts pain and hurt on everyone with their lies and deceit. The affair partner may 'deserve' that pain and hurt, as you morally say, but they suffer in many ways as well. The only party who truly gets what they deserve is the serial cheater, which is why I continue to believe that publicly outing a serial cheater is the only way to truly curb their selfish, bad behavior and make them more honest, faithful spouses and partners. Sad but true, until a cheater feels and internalizes the consequences of their actions -- as opposed to compartmentalizing, deflecting and evading -- they (most) will not change.

Trauma is tough, and it can destroy people. Lots of people turn to drugs and drinking to self medicate. Others create a fantasy world where the attention/sex and validation is what they self medicate with. Avoiding the actual problem. It’s all avoidance really and ptsd-like trauma. Once the original problem is truly dealt with, there is real room for growth healing. It can definitely happen, but not with lots and lots of hard work, individual therapy and tremendous remorse for the hurt their actions caused. The problem is many of these people don't get to the point where they do the work or accept the responsibility for their actions. Many are blame shifters that practice mentally gymnastics religiously. It's always someone else's fault that they spread their legs for strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They leave a path of hurt and diminish the women whose lives they touch with their deceit. The serial cheater ultimately only loves him or herself. Do not think that they love or care for you as a spouse or other woman. They don't but they are good manipulators who will make you think they do. Until they tire of you, or get bored, then they will unceremoniously and abruptly leave their life partners for a better model, or breadcrumb and ghost their affair partners. Or else subject their spouses to the ignominious life of being constantly insecure and threatened in their bond. The people left behind or thus hurt, spouses, children, affair partners feel terrible about themselves and often blame themselves. Avoid that trap, it is not you, it is them, and they possess a fundamental flaw. The saving grace is that advanced age eventually decreases or ends such behavior. Those posed selfies where your spouse or partner looks perfect are not just being sent to you.

Well a person that is an affair partner should blame themselves. Duh. Who do you think you are having sex with when the man/woman is lying and cheating on their spouse with you?

The cheater, man or woman, inflicts pain and hurt on everyone with their lies and deceit. The affair partner may 'deserve' that pain and hurt, as you morally say, but they suffer in many ways as well. The only party who truly gets what they deserve is the serial cheater, which is why I continue to believe that publicly outing a serial cheater is the only way to truly curb their selfish, bad behavior and make them more honest, faithful spouses and partners. Sad but true, until a cheater feels and internalizes the consequences of their actions -- as opposed to compartmentalizing, deflecting and evading -- they (most) will not change.

I think you are discounting that the vast majority of affairs are between two married people. They are both 'APs'. Equally as fault.

The ones I can think of off the top of my head actually concern one married party and a counterparties who are either younger and single, divorced, or separated and going through a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be easy enough to publicly out two of the cheaters I know. One is a prominent person whose family is secondary to their professional career and success, and the other just the opposite, a more ordinary person whose own career did not fully develop and whose family obligations are primary. Both very hurtful in their own ways, but the first more devastatingly so to their family. The second somewhat compensates for their cheating behavior by tending to their family.

So a SAHM and a dude that is rich? You sound very much like you are giving her a pass and holding him more responsible. I guess her husband that has been financially supporting her his entire life might feel differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They leave a path of hurt and diminish the women whose lives they touch with their deceit. The serial cheater ultimately only loves him or herself. Do not think that they love or care for you as a spouse or other woman. They don't but they are good manipulators who will make you think they do. Until they tire of you, or get bored, then they will unceremoniously and abruptly leave their life partners for a better model, or breadcrumb and ghost their affair partners. Or else subject their spouses to the ignominious life of being constantly insecure and threatened in their bond. The people left behind or thus hurt, spouses, children, affair partners feel terrible about themselves and often blame themselves. Avoid that trap, it is not you, it is them, and they possess a fundamental flaw. The saving grace is that advanced age eventually decreases or ends such behavior. Those posed selfies where your spouse or partner looks perfect are not just being sent to you.

Well a person that is an affair partner should blame themselves. Duh. Who do you think you are having sex with when the man/woman is lying and cheating on their spouse with you?

The cheater, man or woman, inflicts pain and hurt on everyone with their lies and deceit. The affair partner may 'deserve' that pain and hurt, as you morally say, but they suffer in many ways as well. The only party who truly gets what they deserve is the serial cheater, which is why I continue to believe that publicly outing a serial cheater is the only way to truly curb their selfish, bad behavior and make them more honest, faithful spouses and partners. Sad but true, until a cheater feels and internalizes the consequences of their actions -- as opposed to compartmentalizing, deflecting and evading -- they (most) will not change.

Trauma is tough, and it can destroy people. Lots of people turn to drugs and drinking to self medicate. Others create a fantasy world where the attention/sex and validation is what they self medicate with. Avoiding the actual problem. It’s all avoidance really and ptsd-like trauma. Once the original problem is truly dealt with, there is real room for growth healing. It can definitely happen, but not with lots and lots of hard work, individual therapy and tremendous remorse for the hurt their actions caused. The problem is many of these people don't get to the point where they do the work or accept the responsibility for their actions. Many are blame shifters that practice mentally gymnastics religiously. It's always someone else's fault that they spread their legs for strangers.

+1

Anyone can change if they are highly motivated and do the work. They have to want to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They leave a path of hurt and diminish the women whose lives they touch with their deceit. The serial cheater ultimately only loves him or herself. Do not think that they love or care for you as a spouse or other woman. They don't but they are good manipulators who will make you think they do. Until they tire of you, or get bored, then they will unceremoniously and abruptly leave their life partners for a better model, or breadcrumb and ghost their affair partners. Or else subject their spouses to the ignominious life of being constantly insecure and threatened in their bond. The people left behind or thus hurt, spouses, children, affair partners feel terrible about themselves and often blame themselves. Avoid that trap, it is not you, it is them, and they possess a fundamental flaw. The saving grace is that advanced age eventually decreases or ends such behavior. Those posed selfies where your spouse or partner looks perfect are not just being sent to you.

Well a person that is an affair partner should blame themselves. Duh. Who do you think you are having sex with when the man/woman is lying and cheating on their spouse with you?

The cheater, man or woman, inflicts pain and hurt on everyone with their lies and deceit. The affair partner may 'deserve' that pain and hurt, as you morally say, but they suffer in many ways as well. The only party who truly gets what they deserve is the serial cheater, which is why I continue to believe that publicly outing a serial cheater is the only way to truly curb their selfish, bad behavior and make them more honest, faithful spouses and partners. Sad but true, until a cheater feels and internalizes the consequences of their actions -- as opposed to compartmentalizing, deflecting and evading -- they (most) will not change.

I think you are discounting that the vast majority of affairs are between two married people. They are both 'APs'. Equally as fault.

The ones I can think of off the top of my head actually concern one married party and a counterparties who are either younger and single, divorced, or separated and going through a divorce.

Maybe it's my age (late 40s/50), but the ones I know about were all both married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easy enough to publicly out two of the cheaters I know. One is a prominent person whose family is secondary to their professional career and success, and the other just the opposite, a more ordinary person whose own career did not fully develop and whose family obligations are primary. Both very hurtful in their own ways, but the first more devastatingly so to their family. The second somewhat compensates for their cheating behavior by tending to their family.

So a SAHM and a dude that is rich? You sound very much like you are giving her a pass and holding him more responsible. I guess her husband that has been financially supporting her his entire life might feel differently.

Actually, both serial cheaters are of the same sex in the examples I am referring to. Neither one gets a pass in my book, but one caused less damage to their family by remaining in their longterm marriage and assuming equal if not primary responsibility for the children and the home, so that the latter appears to all eyes to have a happy, intact, loving, enviable and well-adjusted family life, whereas the former does not.

[Anonymous]

^^^ Also in the same late 40s/early 50s age range.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easy enough to publicly out two of the cheaters I know. One is a prominent person whose family is secondary to their professional career and success, and the other just the opposite, a more ordinary person whose own career did not fully develop and whose family obligations are primary. Both very hurtful in their own ways, but the first more devastatingly so to their family. The second somewhat compensates for their cheating behavior by tending to their family.

So a SAHM and a dude that is rich? You sound very much like you are giving her a pass and holding him more responsible. I guess her husband that has been financially supporting her his entire life might feel differently.

Actually, both serial cheaters are of the same sex in the examples I am referring to. Neither one gets a pass in my book, but one caused less damage to their family by remaining in their longterm marriage and assuming equal if not primary responsibility for the children and the home, so that the latter appears to all eyes to have a happy, intact, loving, enviable and well-adjusted family life, whereas the former does not.

But just exposes the spouse to disease/non-monogamy and gaslights/lies to live the secret life. Yeah, admirable.

Wouldn't the one that didn't divorce but was still lying and having sex behind their back....the SAHM/W be a worse person? Just sayin'

You sound very strange doing this mental gymnastics with sliding scale of integrity/morals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They leave a path of hurt and diminish the women whose lives they touch with their deceit. The serial cheater ultimately only loves him or herself. Do not think that they love or care for you as a spouse or other woman. They don't but they are good manipulators who will make you think they do. Until they tire of you, or get bored, then they will unceremoniously and abruptly leave their life partners for a better model, or breadcrumb and ghost their affair partners. Or else subject their spouses to the ignominious life of being constantly insecure and threatened in their bond. The people left behind or thus hurt, spouses, children, affair partners feel terrible about themselves and often blame themselves. Avoid that trap, it is not you, it is them, and they possess a fundamental flaw. The saving grace is that advanced age eventually decreases or ends such behavior. Those posed selfies where your spouse or partner looks perfect are not just being sent to you.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easy enough to publicly out two of the cheaters I know. One is a prominent person whose family is secondary to their professional career and success, and the other just the opposite, a more ordinary person whose own career did not fully develop and whose family obligations are primary. Both very hurtful in their own ways, but the first more devastatingly so to their family. The second somewhat compensates for their cheating behavior by tending to their family.

So a SAHM and a dude that is rich? You sound very much like you are giving her a pass and holding him more responsible. I guess her husband that has been financially supporting her his entire life might feel differently.

Actually, both serial cheaters are of the same sex in the examples I am referring to. Neither one gets a pass in my book, but one caused less damage to their family by remaining in their longterm marriage and assuming equal if not primary responsibility for the children and the home, so that the latter appears to all eyes to have a happy, intact, loving, enviable and well-adjusted family life, whereas the former does not.

But just exposes the spouse to disease/non-monogamy and gaslights/lies to live the secret life. Yeah, admirable.

Wouldn't the one that didn't divorce but was still lying and having sex behind their back....the SAHM/W be a worse person? Just sayin'

You sound very strange doing this mental gymnastics with sliding scale of integrity/morals.

Yeah "the latter' is living a phony life and deceiving the very person that puts a roof over their head and funds their lifestyle. Think about what that will do when the gig is up and the children and spouse find out about this long term deception. The longer the betrayal goes on the more devastating and traumatic. "Your friend" is not a good or admirable person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easy enough to publicly out two of the cheaters I know. One is a prominent person whose family is secondary to their professional career and success, and the other just the opposite, a more ordinary person whose own career did not fully develop and whose family obligations are primary. Both very hurtful in their own ways, but the first more devastatingly so to their family. The second somewhat compensates for their cheating behavior by tending to their family.

So a SAHM and a dude that is rich? You sound very much like you are giving her a pass and holding him more responsible. I guess her husband that has been financially supporting her his entire life might feel differently.

Actually, both serial cheaters are of the same sex in the examples I am referring to. Neither one gets a pass in my book, but one caused less damage to their family by remaining in their longterm marriage and assuming equal if not primary responsibility for the children and the home, so that the latter appears to all eyes to have a happy, intact, loving, enviable and well-adjusted family life, whereas the former does not.

But just exposes the spouse to disease/non-monogamy and gaslights/lies to live the secret life. Yeah, admirable.

Wouldn't the one that didn't divorce but was still lying and having sex behind their back....the SAHM/W be a worse person? Just sayin'

Perhaps the spouse of the one knows and they have an arrangement? Whatever the case, hiding the affairs keeps the family intact. The other one inflicts harm as they are also not divorced and the serial relationships are, while somewhat discreet, more open in their nature. The spouse tolerates it of of love, or perhaps in hopes of an eventual change of heart or turn of new leaf?

You sound very strange doing this mental gymnastics with sliding scale of integrity/morals.

[Anonymous]

^^^ Neither one is a friend, both acquaintances at best.

Perhaps the spouse of the 'supportive' serial cheater knows and tolerates it because they have a working partnership arrangement (Clinton)? Whatever the case, hiding the affairs or tolerating them to keep the family intact, gives off a more stable appearance. The other serial cheater also inflicts harm as they are also not divorced, though living in separate orbs, and the serial relationships are, while somewhat discreet, more open in their nature. The spouse tolerates it of of love, or perhaps in hopes of an eventual change of heart or turn of new leaf? Neither one is good business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be easy enough to publicly out two of the cheaters I know. One is a prominent person whose family is secondary to their professional career and success, and the other just the opposite, a more ordinary person whose own career did not fully develop and whose family obligations are primary. Both very hurtful in their own ways, but the first more devastatingly so to their family. The second somewhat compensates for their cheating behavior by tending to their family.

So a SAHM and a dude that is rich? You sound very much like you are giving her a pass and holding him more responsible. I guess her husband that has been financially supporting her his entire life might feel differently.

Actually, both serial cheaters are of the same sex in the examples I am referring to. Neither one gets a pass in my book, but one caused less damage to their family by remaining in their longterm marriage and assuming equal if not primary responsibility for the children and the home, so that the latter appears to all eyes to have a happy, intact, loving, enviable and well-adjusted family life, whereas the former does not.

But just exposes the spouse to disease/non-monogamy and gaslights/lies to live the secret life. Yeah, admirable.

Wouldn't the one that didn't divorce but was still lying and having sex behind their back....the SAHM/W be a worse person? Just sayin'

You sound very strange doing this mental gymnastics with sliding scale of integrity/morals.

Yeah "the latter' is living a phony life and deceiving the very person that puts a roof over their head and funds their lifestyle. Think about what that will do when the gig is up and the children and spouse find out about this long term deception. The longer the betrayal goes on the more devastating and traumatic. "Your friend" is not a good or admirable person.

Yeah. And are these cheaters of "the same sex" married to opposite genders? So are they also lying about their sexual orientation with all of the other lies? How about they both get divorced and live an authentic life not in the closet?

[Anonymous]

No, both serial cheaters are either men or women. And both cheat with persons of the opposite sex, either women or men.