Big law mom with little kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

What you’re missing is that you would have never been invited in those doors.

Oh honey. If you only knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

Truly devastated that "cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep" and lawn service are not the fabric of my life.

What amount of time with your children is the fabric of your life?

Honestly? Only 1-2 hours a day are “fabric” quality and the rest (cleaning, yardwork, grocery store) I would very gladly do without

[Anonymous]

With more than one kid, it is a really difficult juggle. Unless you are supermom, you really have to ask yourself if it is worth it. There are easier/more fun ways to make money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

Truly devastated that "cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep" and lawn service are not the fabric of my life.

What amount of time with your children is the fabric of your life?

Honestly? Only 1-2 hours a day are “fabric” quality and the rest (cleaning, yardwork, grocery store) I would very gladly do without

So you're falling for the myth that there is quality time (with kids) and non-quality time. This is a lie. There is only time. If you find drudgery in chores that make up life, then that is on you. I assure you, young children do not see it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

Truly devastated that "cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep" and lawn service are not the fabric of my life.

What amount of time with your children is the fabric of your life?

Honestly? Only 1-2 hours a day are “fabric” quality and the rest (cleaning, yardwork, grocery store) I would very gladly do without

Often I have pretty important interactions with my kids during cleaning, yard work, and grocery time. I’m not saying that you can’t raise great kids and have a great job (my mom did it! Lol) but do we have to pretend that people spending 1-2 hours with their kids are spending as much time as someone who is basically around for their kids all the time? Yes, quality time is more important but you HAVE made a trade off and that trade off was at the expense of your kids. I say that as someone whose mother was a physician and who is a feminist. Men SHOULD be picking up the slack here but based on this board they are not. I have a lot of memories of being with my mom in the yard when she did have a chance to do yard work. It was fun! And I have a lifelong love of plants and gardening as a result. Things like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

Truly devastated that "cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep" and lawn service are not the fabric of my life.

What amount of time with your children is the fabric of your life?

Honestly? Only 1-2 hours a day are “fabric” quality and the rest (cleaning, yardwork, grocery store) I would very gladly do without

So you're falling for the myth that there is quality time (with kids) and non-quality time. This is a lie. There is only time. If you find drudgery in chores that make up life, then that is on you. I assure you, young children do not see it that way.

I don't think that's right. There is a big difference between the time spent, for example, cooking where you can (at best) pay nominal attention to the kid and time spent actively playing or reading with the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yep, this. I made partner last year in my ninth year, with a 5 and 3 year old (and another on the way now), and it is certainly thanks to a wonderful (driving) nanny who works 60-ish hrs a week and a 3-days-a-week housekeeper who does our grocery store runs and almost all cooking. We outsource everything else too -- yard work, home repair, etc. All of this is a huge hit to our income but we love our jobs (husband is fed but works nonstop) and can entirely focus on the kids for an hour each morning and 2-3 hours a night...before logging back on . I don't think it is sustainable for 30 years, but it's fun for now, keeps all career doors open, and the kids seem really happy and proud of us.

Plus being in biglaw means I control my own working hours and can take the kids to soccer, swimming, etc. at random times each week -- even random museum/zoo trips when things are slow. The flexibility of biglaw is surprisingly suitable to erratic kid schedules. Go girl!

I would only say this anonymously (thanks, dcum), but... how do you know your kids are proud of you? My husband is an engineer currently working at home, and I do part-time editing also from home, and my daughter (4) sees us doing these things, having phone calls, going out to meetings, etc., but it does not seem at all to be something on her radar, let alone something to be "proud" of. I mean, are you leading your children with questions like "aren't you proud of mommy for having a big job?"

+1. Kids - ages 5 and 3 years old - are "proud" of us?? What kind of narcissism is that? I mean, they get a whole 3 hours of your day, while you keep your "career doors open."

+2 to this. I’m a former biglaw mom (currently in house) to 3 and 6 year olds. They know that I work as they see me in my home office, but it’s not really on their radar as something to be “proud of.” The other day my mom was reading my 3 year old a book about moms working, with lines like “my mommy is a doctor. She helps people. My mommy is an engineer...” etc. At the end she asked him, “What does your mommy do?” He said something like “nothing! She’s just a normal mom.” I think that’s much more in line with the way the average little kid thinks about these things.

And I bet hearing “she’s just a normal mom” felt better than if he had said “my mommy is company x’s lawyer.” I’m a gov attorney and I made the same choice. They are really only ours for a few years. For the reason my husband also stepped back
From big law for government.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

Truly devastated that "cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep" and lawn service are not the fabric of my life.

What amount of time with your children is the fabric of your life?

Honestly? Only 1-2 hours a day are “fabric” quality and the rest (cleaning, yardwork, grocery store) I would very gladly do without

So you're falling for the myth that there is quality time (with kids) and non-quality time. This is a lie. There is only time. If you find drudgery in chores that make up life, then that is on you. I assure you, young children do not see it that way.

I don't think that's right. There is a big difference between the time spent, for example, cooking where you can (at best) pay nominal attention to the kid and time spent actively playing or reading with the kid.

Just because it is not “active” time does not mean that it is not important. My parents both worked but my mother was adamant about home cooked meals. Her time spent on that showed me what she values (healthy homemade food) and transferred that value to me. I also frequently talked to her while she was cooking, especially as a teen. That was a time when I felt comfortable telling her things because the fact that she was doing something else always made it less intense or something, like she wasn’t interrogating me as we often do with teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

Truly devastated that "cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep" and lawn service are not the fabric of my life.

What amount of time with your children is the fabric of your life?

Honestly? Only 1-2 hours a day are “fabric” quality and the rest (cleaning, yardwork, grocery store) I would very gladly do without

So you're falling for the myth that there is quality time (with kids) and non-quality time. This is a lie. There is only time. If you find drudgery in chores that make up life, then that is on you. I assure you, young children do not see it that way.

I don't think that's right. There is a big difference between the time spent, for example, cooking where you can (at best) pay nominal attention to the kid and time spent actively playing or reading with the kid.

Just because it is not “active” time does not mean that it is not important. My parents both worked but my mother was adamant about home cooked meals. Her time spent on that showed me what she values (healthy homemade food) and transferred that value to me. I also frequently talked to her while she was cooking, especially as a teen. That was a time when I felt comfortable telling her things because the fact that she was doing something else always made it less intense or something, like she wasn’t interrogating me as we often do with teens.

But we are talking about little kids here. And we are talking about relative value. I'm not saying there is no value to plopping a baby in a bouncer so she can watch you cook dinner and you can, on occasion, pay some attention to her. But it is substantially less valuable than active time.

Almost all parents have to make choices, even more so if you have a very demanding job. I think it makes complete sense to outsource some things that provide only nominal value to be able to have more real quality time with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

Truly devastated that "cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep" and lawn service are not the fabric of my life.

What amount of time with your children is the fabric of your life?

Honestly? Only 1-2 hours a day are “fabric” quality and the rest (cleaning, yardwork, grocery store) I would very gladly do without

So you're falling for the myth that there is quality time (with kids) and non-quality time. This is a lie. There is only time. If you find drudgery in chores that make up life, then that is on you. I assure you, young children do not see it that way.

I don't think that's right. There is a big difference between the time spent, for example, cooking where you can (at best) pay nominal attention to the kid and time spent actively playing or reading with the kid.

I don’t agree. It is a valid life decision to have a high intense job and we certainly should not be criticizing women for doing so (especially when men are not given such scrutiny), but 2-3 hours of “quality time” is not the same as being around all of the time but not actively involved.

[Anonymous]

So funny that OP's question was HOW to balance between biglaw and parenting, but 95% of the responses are about WHETHER to balance them at all. She was looking for advice, not an attack on her profession (or the fact that she has one at all).

[Anonymous]

OP has little kids. The demands with school, activities and sports only get worse. If she is overwhelmed before kindergarten, I am placing bets on early big law retirement. Start the govt applications now. It usually takes 2-4 years.

[Anonymous]

That is because it is impossible to balance them. I say this as someone who leaned in hard when my kids were young, traveled frequently, had a SAH spouse, etc. My kids missed me and still talk about how they wish I had been around more when they were younger.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of gender, it seems like you can have:
- 2 parents with big jobs with LOTS of outside help, as outlined above
- 1 parent with a big job, and 1 parent without a paying job or with a very flexible job who takes lead on kids/things at home
- 2 parents with lower-key, more flexible jobs who split things with kids/home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep going, mama. You can do this. My tween girls are so proud of their successful mama and I think it has been so good for them to have this as a model. As a result, they dream big for themselves. We do lots of talks in our house about the importance of education, providing value in the world and the importance of giving back. I have nothing but respect for SAHMs but if women keep mommy-tracking in droves, what does that teach our girls? How can we tell them to dream big, be whatever they want to be, and then model the opposite?

Good luck to you - outsource outsource outsource the grunt work. Use your time for quality 1:1 with your kids and not chores.

I have a 2 and 4 year old, and I want to amen this because I want to believe it, but I can't. I have a big job, so does my husband, and I look at the lives of my friends who stay home or work very part-time and I am jealous of the time they get with their kids and how relaxed their lives seem. I know staying home with young kids is hard but I feel stretched so thin. I want both of my kids to think about the reality of juggling a two working parent family life.