Big law mom with little kids

[Anonymous]

Nanny here. I have worked for multiple families where both parents had big jobs (including two lawyers at white shoe firms, one who made partner when the kids were toddlers).

You need a full-service nanny. That means someone who can drive and is willing to work longer hours and handle the majority of logistics relating to kids. If you really really love your current, non-driving nanny and she isn’t too expensive then I would maybe consider keeping her and hiring someone else to do pick-up 5 days a week and work evenings, but it will be easier overall if it’s all the same person.

E.g., my current charges are 4 and 5. They are in full-day preschool and I work 7:30am-5:30pm M/W/F and 7:30-7:30 Tu/Th. Mom does bedtime on weekends and Wednesdays and Dad does Monday and Friday. That means mom can work as late as needed any work night but Wednesday and dad can work late any Tu/W/Th. I do drop-off and pickup by default but if either parent is having a light day they will take the kids to school, but I pack lunches and make sure the kids are dressed and all that while the parents get dressed and have breakfast.

I am paid during school hours and use that time to manage all kid laundry, do grocery shopping twice a week, make 100% of kids’ food, pack lunches for the parents, and stay on top of kid logistics—scheduling doctor/dentist/etc., making sure we never run out of toothpaste, handling sick days home from school and school holidays, and registering for summer camp and remembering when it is pajama day and all that constant buzz of stuff that you have to plan and prepare and remember for kids.

I am paid very well ($75,000 per year) for my services, and someone like me is hard to find but it is worth it if your goal is to build a major career without a SAH spouse.

[Anonymous]

Nanny, how do you find a job like that? Sounds like you're basically being paid to be a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here. I have worked for multiple families where both parents had big jobs (including two lawyers at white shoe firms, one who made partner when the kids were toddlers).

You need a full-service nanny. That means someone who can drive and is willing to work longer hours and handle the majority of logistics relating to kids. If you really really love your current, non-driving nanny and she isn’t too expensive then I would maybe consider keeping her and hiring someone else to do pick-up 5 days a week and work evenings, but it will be easier overall if it’s all the same person.

E.g., my current charges are 4 and 5. They are in full-day preschool and I work 7:30am-5:30pm M/W/F and 7:30-7:30 Tu/Th. Mom does bedtime on weekends and Wednesdays and Dad does Monday and Friday. That means mom can work as late as needed any work night but Wednesday and dad can work late any Tu/W/Th. I do drop-off and pickup by default but if either parent is having a light day they will take the kids to school, but I pack lunches and make sure the kids are dressed and all that while the parents get dressed and have breakfast.

I am paid during school hours and use that time to manage all kid laundry, do grocery shopping twice a week, make 100% of kids’ food, pack lunches for the parents, and stay on top of kid logistics—scheduling doctor/dentist/etc., making sure we never run out of toothpaste, handling sick days home from school and school holidays, and registering for summer camp and remembering when it is pajama day and all that constant buzz of stuff that you have to plan and prepare and remember for kids.

I am paid very well ($75,000 per year) for my services, and someone like me is hard to find but it is worth it if your goal is to build a major career without a SAH spouse.

This is good advice and money well spent if you want to go all in on your career. Personally I didn’t but it’s a valid choice either way.

[Anonymous]

Is your spouse asking the same question? Are they also in a demanding job right now? One of you needs to take your foot off the gas, preferably your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny, how do you find a job like that? Sounds like you're basically being paid to be a SAHM.

My female bosses often joke that I am their “wife” because yeah, I am a lot like a SAHM. I have been a nanny for over a decade and I gradually worked my way to higher-paying jobs. I love my work and since I don’t have kids of my own I can throw myself into my nanny kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be very efficient with your time and negotiate the number of hours you think you can do in a reasonable amount of time. Have a partner who is a 100% engaged on the home front. Hire a very competent nanny and compensate her well. The nanny should do preschool drop off/pick up.

If you or your spouse think the children are being shortchanged, then one or both of you need to step back. Finally, DON’t have a 3rd.

Gee. Ya think?

I’m the pp. No, I don’t assume having two working parents means the kids are being shortchanged.

Not a biglaw mom, but I was scanning to see if there were any helpful tips. I will say that for us, the early years were hard, but mostly because of the logistics. Now, with teens, I can tell you that I think having a "big" job is really good for my kids. I take them to interesting things when I can. I talk to them about some topics that they wouldn't get exposed to at this age otherwise. I offer tutoring services in my field to their friends. I get them to think of their parents as people in their own right rather than purely as people to serve them. All in all, its pretty good for the kids now.

[Anonymous]

Keep going, mama. You can do this. My tween girls are so proud of their successful mama and I think it has been so good for them to have this as a model. As a result, they dream big for themselves. We do lots of talks in our house about the importance of education, providing value in the world and the importance of giving back. I have nothing but respect for SAHMs but if women keep mommy-tracking in droves, what does that teach our girls? How can we tell them to dream big, be whatever they want to be, and then model the opposite?

Good luck to you - outsource outsource outsource the grunt work. Use your time for quality 1:1 with your kids and not chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep going, mama. You can do this. My tween girls are so proud of their successful mama and I think it has been so good for them to have this as a model. As a result, they dream big for themselves. We do lots of talks in our house about the importance of education, providing value in the world and the importance of giving back. I have nothing but respect for SAHMs but if women keep mommy-tracking in droves, what does that teach our girls? How can we tell them to dream big, be whatever they want to be, and then model the opposite?

Good luck to you - outsource outsource outsource the grunt work. Use your time for quality 1:1 with your kids and not chores.

Excellent post
+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be very efficient with your time and negotiate the number of hours you think you can do in a reasonable amount of time. Have a partner who is a 100% engaged on the home front. Hire a very competent nanny and compensate her well. The nanny should do preschool drop off/pick up.

If you or your spouse think the children are being shortchanged, then one or both of you need to step back. Finally, DON’t have a 3rd.

Gee. Ya think?

I’m the pp. No, I don’t assume having two working parents means the kids are being shortchanged.

I don't either. But I do assume it when someone tells me they work 60 hours/week and their spouse (doesn't have to be either gender, we know lots of same sex parents FWIW) also works 60 hrs. Time isn't infinite and kids who are preschool age are sleeping something like 40-50% of their time. I still don't judge but I can assume that kids are not getting a ton of face time and that's probably a fair assumption

[Anonymous]

“did any big law moms get asked to be pushed back a year”

This is a huge flag. Whenever this happened at my firm, the person was being shown the door, just in a humane way that allowed the person sufficient time to find a new job. I would absolutely be hitting the job market and looking for something that was more compatible with my lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

OP, you cannot do both well. Either your job suffers of your children suffer. Your marriage will suffer too, since you will take out your stress on your spouse.

Everyone can argue that dad should pick up all the slack, but kids want their mother first and foremost. It's biology, it's hard-wired and you can't change that.

You have to decide which one is more important for you to do well at: parenting or your job. Your job won't visit you at the nursing home someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here. I have worked for multiple families where both parents had big jobs (including two lawyers at white shoe firms, one who made partner when the kids were toddlers).

You need a full-service nanny. That means someone who can drive and is willing to work longer hours and handle the majority of logistics relating to kids. If you really really love your current, non-driving nanny and she isn’t too expensive then I would maybe consider keeping her and hiring someone else to do pick-up 5 days a week and work evenings, but it will be easier overall if it’s all the same person.

E.g., my current charges are 4 and 5. They are in full-day preschool and I work 7:30am-5:30pm M/W/F and 7:30-7:30 Tu/Th. Mom does bedtime on weekends and Wednesdays and Dad does Monday and Friday. That means mom can work as late as needed any work night but Wednesday and dad can work late any Tu/W/Th. I do drop-off and pickup by default but if either parent is having a light day they will take the kids to school, but I pack lunches and make sure the kids are dressed and all that while the parents get dressed and have breakfast.

I am paid during school hours and use that time to manage all kid laundry, do grocery shopping twice a week, make 100% of kids’ food, pack lunches for the parents, and stay on top of kid logistics—scheduling doctor/dentist/etc., making sure we never run out of toothpaste, handling sick days home from school and school holidays, and registering for summer camp and remembering when it is pajama day and all that constant buzz of stuff that you have to plan and prepare and remember for kids.

I am paid very well ($75,000 per year) for my services, and someone like me is hard to find but it is worth it if your goal is to build a major career without a SAH spouse.

This is good advice and money well spent if you want to go all in on your career. Personally I didn’t but it’s a valid choice either way.

Yep, this. I made partner last year in my ninth year, with a 5 and 3 year old (and another on the way now), and it is certainly thanks to a wonderful (driving) nanny who works 60-ish hrs a week and a 3-days-a-week housekeeper who does our grocery store runs and almost all cooking. We outsource everything else too -- yard work, home repair, etc. All of this is a huge hit to our income but we love our jobs (husband is fed but works nonstop) and can entirely focus on the kids for an hour each morning and 2-3 hours a night...before logging back on . I don't think it is sustainable for 30 years, but it's fun for now, keeps all career doors open, and the kids seem really happy and proud of us.

Plus being in biglaw means I control my own working hours and can take the kids to soccer, swimming, etc. at random times each week -- even random museum/zoo trips when things are slow. The flexibility of biglaw is surprisingly suitable to erratic kid schedules. Go girl!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your spouse asking the same question? Are they also in a demanding job right now? One of you needs to take your foot off the gas, preferably your spouse.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yep, this. I made partner last year in my ninth year, with a 5 and 3 year old (and another on the way now), and it is certainly thanks to a wonderful (driving) nanny who works 60-ish hrs a week and a 3-days-a-week housekeeper who does our grocery store runs and almost all cooking. We outsource everything else too -- yard work, home repair, etc. All of this is a huge hit to our income but we love our jobs (husband is fed but works nonstop) and can entirely focus on the kids for an hour each morning and 2-3 hours a night...before logging back on . I don't think it is sustainable for 30 years, but it's fun for now, keeps all career doors open, and the kids seem really happy and proud of us.

Plus being in biglaw means I control my own working hours and can take the kids to soccer, swimming, etc. at random times each week -- even random museum/zoo trips when things are slow. The flexibility of biglaw is surprisingly suitable to erratic kid schedules. Go girl!

I would only say this anonymously (thanks, dcum), but... how do you know your kids are proud of you? My husband is an engineer currently working at home, and I do part-time editing also from home, and my daughter (4) sees us doing these things, having phone calls, going out to meetings, etc., but it does not seem at all to be something on her radar, let alone something to be "proud" of. I mean, are you leading your children with questions like "aren't you proud of mommy for having a big job?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you cannot do both well. Either your job suffers of your children suffer. Your marriage will suffer too, since you will take out your stress on your spouse.

Everyone can argue that dad should pick up all the slack, but kids want their mother first and foremost. It's biology, it's hard-wired and you can't change that.

You have to decide which one is more important for you to do well at: parenting or your job. Your job won't visit you at the nursing home someday.

This is bad advice. You CAN have both, and you CAN do both well. It will just be difficult doing anything else well (exercise, home duties, hobbies), and you end up outsourcing so much that the financial incentive to be in Biglaw isn't as strong. But if you actually like your biglaw job and your coworkers, then certainly keep at it!