Big law mom with little kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your kids are affecting your ability to work, you need more childcare. I’ve known lawyers who have an Au pair plus nannies. However if you’re about to be fired, I wouldn’t wait for an AP as they’re hard to get right now. I’d figure out what you need to do to keep your job.

Wow. Would it ever occur to you to ask if OP's work is affecting her ability to parent?

Of course but if you commit to Big Law and want Big Law pay, they expect you to put work first. If that's not your priority, it most likely isn't a good place for you to work. Your Big Law boss doesn't care if you have kids, if you aren't billing what they want they will fire you. If you're not ok with that, its time to find a new job.

[Anonymous]

Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yep, this. I made partner last year in my ninth year, with a 5 and 3 year old (and another on the way now), and it is certainly thanks to a wonderful (driving) nanny who works 60-ish hrs a week and a 3-days-a-week housekeeper who does our grocery store runs and almost all cooking. We outsource everything else too -- yard work, home repair, etc. All of this is a huge hit to our income but we love our jobs (husband is fed but works nonstop) and can entirely focus on the kids for an hour each morning and 2-3 hours a night...before logging back on . I don't think it is sustainable for 30 years, but it's fun for now, keeps all career doors open, and the kids seem really happy and proud of us.

Plus being in biglaw means I control my own working hours and can take the kids to soccer, swimming, etc. at random times each week -- even random museum/zoo trips when things are slow. The flexibility of biglaw is surprisingly suitable to erratic kid schedules. Go girl!

I would only say this anonymously (thanks, dcum), but... how do you know your kids are proud of you? My husband is an engineer currently working at home, and I do part-time editing also from home, and my daughter (4) sees us doing these things, having phone calls, going out to meetings, etc., but it does not seem at all to be something on her radar, let alone something to be "proud" of. I mean, are you leading your children with questions like "aren't you proud of mommy for having a big job?"

No, we don't ask questions like the one you posed - mainly because we are always trying to talk about how important all jobs are...teachers, nannies, trash collectors, etc., especially my two siblings at non-profits -- so I wouldn't want them to think my job or a "big job" is something they should strive for. It's not haha. But we definitely have fed them a certain narrative by reading lots of books about women who had a big impact through their jobs (RBG, Jane Goodall, Eugenie Clark). And I try really hard to normalize working...when I read the million other books that have the moms cooking dinner or saying bye to dad in the morning, I will add, "and her mom, who had just gotten home from her job at the hospital, made a wonderful blueberry pie."

I guess I say "proud" because when I made partner they were beyond excited and threw me a bunch of tea parties, and they keep asking us to come to class and tell everyone about our (very boring, typical) jobs. But when we are in bed together or sitting at the dinner table we aren't talking about mom's big job.

I think it is very abnormal for a 3 and 5 year old (or a child even younger), to keep asking you to come to class and tell their classmates about your jobs.

Oh, I don't think it is. Kids love show and tell! Moms and dads have always been part of show and tell.

Yes, a major unit of my kids' nursery school curriculum is about community jobs, and several parents come in (but via Zoom this year) as part of that. Parents also get to come in/contribute for other units if they have a relevant job - for example, two parents in environmental policy have participated in this month's recycling/Earth Day theme. There's also reading aloud...kids just freaking love to have their parents come to class in any capacity.

[Anonymous]

My mom had a “big job” and I AM proud of her but honestly wish that my parents had been more engaged with me during the week as a child. As far as results I did fine as a person and am an attorney myself but I chose a more low key job for myself while my children are young. It is a grind but I think that whatever you do make sure that you are fully engaged and “present” with your children as much as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yep, this. I made partner last year in my ninth year, with a 5 and 3 year old (and another on the way now), and it is certainly thanks to a wonderful (driving) nanny who works 60-ish hrs a week and a 3-days-a-week housekeeper who does our grocery store runs and almost all cooking. We outsource everything else too -- yard work, home repair, etc. All of this is a huge hit to our income but we love our jobs (husband is fed but works nonstop) and can entirely focus on the kids for an hour each morning and 2-3 hours a night...before logging back on . I don't think it is sustainable for 30 years, but it's fun for now, keeps all career doors open, and the kids seem really happy and proud of us.

Plus being in biglaw means I control my own working hours and can take the kids to soccer, swimming, etc. at random times each week -- even random museum/zoo trips when things are slow. The flexibility of biglaw is surprisingly suitable to erratic kid schedules. Go girl!

I would only say this anonymously (thanks, dcum), but... how do you know your kids are proud of you? My husband is an engineer currently working at home, and I do part-time editing also from home, and my daughter (4) sees us doing these things, having phone calls, going out to meetings, etc., but it does not seem at all to be something on her radar, let alone something to be "proud" of. I mean, are you leading your children with questions like "aren't you proud of mommy for having a big job?"

My parents both had big jobs. I was and am still proud of them. I also really missed having more time with them and don't want my kids to feel that way. We had a great nanny, but we didn't want a nanny to be the primary architect of our kids' lives and character. I left to work P/T at an NGO and DH is FT Big Law. That works for us.

+1 For those who truly enjoy being with their kids, you made a wonderful choice that I don't think you'll regret! A person's priorities are obvious in the choices made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yep, this. I made partner last year in my ninth year, with a 5 and 3 year old (and another on the way now), and it is certainly thanks to a wonderful (driving) nanny who works 60-ish hrs a week and a 3-days-a-week housekeeper who does our grocery store runs and almost all cooking. We outsource everything else too -- yard work, home repair, etc. All of this is a huge hit to our income but we love our jobs (husband is fed but works nonstop) and can entirely focus on the kids for an hour each morning and 2-3 hours a night...before logging back on . I don't think it is sustainable for 30 years, but it's fun for now, keeps all career doors open, and the kids seem really happy and proud of us.

Plus being in biglaw means I control my own working hours and can take the kids to soccer, swimming, etc. at random times each week -- even random museum/zoo trips when things are slow. The flexibility of biglaw is surprisingly suitable to erratic kid schedules. Go girl!

I would only say this anonymously (thanks, dcum), but... how do you know your kids are proud of you? My husband is an engineer currently working at home, and I do part-time editing also from home, and my daughter (4) sees us doing these things, having phone calls, going out to meetings, etc., but it does not seem at all to be something on her radar, let alone something to be "proud" of. I mean, are you leading your children with questions like "aren't you proud of mommy for having a big job?"

+1. Kids - ages 5 and 3 years old - are "proud" of us?? What kind of narcissism is that? I mean, they get a whole 3 hours of your day, while you keep your "career doors open."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

The truth is that an important career is their priority. Not to say they don't love their kids, but the career is #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

Truly devastated that "cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep" and lawn service are not the fabric of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

What you’re missing is that you would have never been invited in those doors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

Well, I wouldn't put it like that, but I had the same reaction. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, drop-off/pick-up, working with your kids on schoolwork - aren't all those things just....life? What is it teaching your kids when you pay people to do everything for you? Doing many of these tasks is a huge part of being and growing together and developing as a family. Some of my family's best conversations are during "chore" times, not during yay! fun! time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

Would you say the same thing to a man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

Truly devastated that "cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep" and lawn service are not the fabric of my life.

What amount of time with your children is the fabric of your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's is what the women partners told me before I became a partner: you can't be both. If you want to stay in the practice and succeed, delegate, delegate, delegate, both at home and at work, but mostly at home. You need back up plans for your back up plans. Some had various combinations of the following: live in parents, nannies, au pairs, SAH or flexible spouses, always full child care coverage options (not always needed, but always available) from 7-10 pm, plus weekends; cleaners; laundry service; food delivery, meal prep (several had home chefs or full service housekeeping); tutors; sometimes drivers for the kids.

I would have walked out the door right then and there.

When are you delusional women going to realize that you are being asked to "delegate out" the very fabric of your lives?

Well, I wouldn't put it like that, but I had the same reaction. Cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, drop-off/pick-up, working with your kids on schoolwork - aren't all those things just....life? What is it teaching your kids when you pay people to do everything for you? Doing many of these tasks is a huge part of being and growing together and developing as a family. Some of my family's best conversations are during "chore" times, not during yay! fun! time!

I think we need to recognize that for some reason most of these tasks are defaulted to the women of the household and yeah, it's too much for one woman working full time, even at a "small" job. For some reason men are not asked to make these choices, even on this board. No one is questioning the life choices of the male law partner. My husband is putting in more than his fair share and that is how "chores" are not the bane of my existence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yep, this. I made partner last year in my ninth year, with a 5 and 3 year old (and another on the way now), and it is certainly thanks to a wonderful (driving) nanny who works 60-ish hrs a week and a 3-days-a-week housekeeper who does our grocery store runs and almost all cooking. We outsource everything else too -- yard work, home repair, etc. All of this is a huge hit to our income but we love our jobs (husband is fed but works nonstop) and can entirely focus on the kids for an hour each morning and 2-3 hours a night...before logging back on . I don't think it is sustainable for 30 years, but it's fun for now, keeps all career doors open, and the kids seem really happy and proud of us.

Plus being in biglaw means I control my own working hours and can take the kids to soccer, swimming, etc. at random times each week -- even random museum/zoo trips when things are slow. The flexibility of biglaw is surprisingly suitable to erratic kid schedules. Go girl!

I would only say this anonymously (thanks, dcum), but... how do you know your kids are proud of you? My husband is an engineer currently working at home, and I do part-time editing also from home, and my daughter (4) sees us doing these things, having phone calls, going out to meetings, etc., but it does not seem at all to be something on her radar, let alone something to be "proud" of. I mean, are you leading your children with questions like "aren't you proud of mommy for having a big job?"

+1. Kids - ages 5 and 3 years old - are "proud" of us?? What kind of narcissism is that? I mean, they get a whole 3 hours of your day, while you keep your "career doors open."

+2 to this. I’m a former biglaw mom (currently in house) to 3 and 6 year olds. They know that I work as they see me in my home office, but it’s not really on their radar as something to be “proud of.” The other day my mom was reading my 3 year old a book about moms working, with lines like “my mommy is a doctor. She helps people. My mommy is an engineer...” etc. At the end she asked him, “What does your mommy do?” He said something like “nothing! She’s just a normal mom.” I think that’s much more in line with the way the average little kid thinks about these things.