Remarried boomer parent takes his wife and her adult kids and their families on vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is often that women take care of organizing things like this. Thus she will organize trips with her kids, but probably doesn’t feel it’s her place to organize a trip with his kids.

A really kind and thoughtful stepmother would encourage and help plan vacations with his children and their families, too.

Thanks for creating more emotional labor for women. The husband can do it if he wants to. It’s his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be that his wife's family likes SPENDING TIME TOGETHER, whereas your focus seems to be having your dad TAKE YOU on a vacation.

Do you want to go on a vacation and spend time with your dad AND his wife?

No, it isn't that at all. My dad has never taken us on vacation. When my siblings and I were little (before my parents divorced), our grandparents used to take us on vacations together as a family and those were good memories. My siblings and I like spending time with my dad, but it's hard when his wife is around. She sours everything.

OP...please provide specific examples of what exactly your stepmom does to sour anything. You sound like you just don't like her.

Okay, well, growing up when it was my weekend to come over to my dad's, she would have tantrums and slam things around. She didn't like me going to the pantry to get even a bowl of cereal. Even if I was as careful as possible, she hated having anymore dishes in the dishwasher and acted like I would be making a mess. I was a clean kid and kind of OCD.

She would gossip to her friends about me (one told me) when I was a teenager. She said that she found my hair in the bathroom shower after I left one weekend. I was 16.

I was not allowed to have friends over to my dad's house growing up.

She would act angry and pissed off for no reason. She is an alcoholic.

When my sister became pregnant with her first child at 37, she took her up to the spare room to show her all the things she bought for her own daughter's second kid and didn't get my sister anything.

When my grandparents were living, they were never invited to my dad's home because my stepmom didn't want them over but she had all of her family over.

When my dad was at work one day when I was 18 and staying at my dad's for 2 weeks, she made me pack all my things and leave because she was mad that I was staying there and didn't want me there. I have always been polite to her. To be honest, I'm afraid of her.

Also - to add, my SIL and my sister also feel uncomfortable around her. When my sister has stayed there, she also feels like has to "camp out" and steer clear of my dad's wife because she gets angry about little spills or crumbs on the countertop. She is literally peeking around corners to try to not go down to the kitchen when my dad's wife is down there because she's a neat freak and doesn't like anyone touching ANYTHING in the kitchen. We clean up after ourselves!

When we go over for Christmas, she says weird stuff to the kids (who are just being kids). My nephew was riding his little toy car around (he was almost 2) and almost rode it into the bathroom and she scolded him. Um, why not just shut the door? He's a baby.

2 years old is a toddler, not a baby. Your dad’s wife just doesn’t like messes or children causing trouble. That’s normal. The fact that your nephew was able to ride his toy car is pretty generous. What if he dented a fridge?

Hi Stepmom!

[Anonymous]

So to recap, we have a response that stepmoms are totally right to refuse their own husband's grandkids to visit because they cause messes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be that his wife's family likes SPENDING TIME TOGETHER, whereas your focus seems to be having your dad TAKE YOU on a vacation.

Do you want to go on a vacation and spend time with your dad AND his wife?

No, it isn't that at all. My dad has never taken us on vacation. When my siblings and I were little (before my parents divorced), our grandparents used to take us on vacations together as a family and those were good memories. My siblings and I like spending time with my dad, but it's hard when his wife is around. She sours everything.

OP...please provide specific examples of what exactly your stepmom does to sour anything. You sound like you just don't like her.

Okay, well, growing up when it was my weekend to come over to my dad's, she would have tantrums and slam things around. She didn't like me going to the pantry to get even a bowl of cereal. Even if I was as careful as possible, she hated having anymore dishes in the dishwasher and acted like I would be making a mess. I was a clean kid and kind of OCD.

She would gossip to her friends about me (one told me) when I was a teenager. She said that she found my hair in the bathroom shower after I left one weekend. I was 16.

I was not allowed to have friends over to my dad's house growing up.

She would act angry and pissed off for no reason. She is an alcoholic.

When my sister became pregnant with her first child at 37, she took her up to the spare room to show her all the things she bought for her own daughter's second kid and didn't get my sister anything.

When my grandparents were living, they were never invited to my dad's home because my stepmom didn't want them over but she had all of her family over.

When my dad was at work one day when I was 18 and staying at my dad's for 2 weeks, she made me pack all my things and leave because she was mad that I was staying there and didn't want me there. I have always been polite to her. To be honest, I'm afraid of her.

she sounds so much like my stepmother.

just pretend she doesn’t exist. go straight to your dad. extend invitations on your turf. she’s a controlling, immature woman who sees you as a threat, and your dad is too weak to counteract it on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father married a woman who flipped a switch on their wedding day. My sibling and I were in our 20s, and her kids were in their 30s. My brother and I are educated, and we are constant reminders of my mother (despite the fact that they divorced when I was a toddler) - both of which annoy our father's wife. She made him choose, and he went along with it every step of the way. It was her and her family or us. We tried to fight, and continue our relationships, but she escalated her crazy and made things much worse. Some parents have no spines, and others are insecure. Biological children never fare well when the new parents are one of each (spineless and insecure). It sucks.

Oh you just reminded me of something!
When we were growing up and my dad first married his second wife, he told us that we were forbidden to mention my mom around her because she didn't like hearing about her. We couldn't even say something like "Mom said this or that..." or "Mom bought me a new shirt." No mention of our mom whatsoever.

My sister is my parents' only biological child and my brother and i are adopted. But yeah. My dad is definitely spineless.

similar situation in our house except worse - my mother died and my stepmother was so jealous and insecure that we weren’t allowed to have pictures of her and she’d have tantrums when we talked about our previous lives. any commemoration of her death had to be with the “whole family,” not allowed to be just the biological kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So they are much closer to them location wise, you and your brother don't seem to like her very much, and you are super concerned about the inheritance. Geez, no wonder your dad would prefer to spend more time with them.

This, a hundred times this. You do t want to travel with them. You don’t like her and treat her as a threat/intruder when she’s his wife and presumably his best friend. If you want time with him, or with him and her, reach out and let them know and see how it goes. And perhaps work on your wording as you refer to “his money” as, given they are married, it’s “their money.”

it’s not “their money” if it’s in a trust set up by grandparents with OP as the beneficiary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My mom is like your friend that you mentioned."

This speaks volumes. You view you mom as a saint/martyr. Thus your stepmother is relegated to the role of evil woman who hates her husband's kids. Perhaps your mother influenced your attitude and your stepmother never stood a chance of being accepted.

This old stereotype and bigotry against women BY women needs to stop. Cinderella is a fairy tale.

The fact is there are two sides to every story. It would be interesting to know your father and his wife's perspectives. You are presenting yourself as an innocent who was neglected and abused in some way. That may not be the case.

she was a CHILD. while I’m sure being a stepmother is hard, it’s always the adults’ responsibility to prioritize the children. It’s not a situation of equals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is totally normal in a step mom situation.

Of course she only wants her own kids over all day on Christmas or on vacations. Put yourself in her shoes and really think about it. Do you want a bunch of near strangers on vacation with you? No of course not.

Honestly, you’re lucky to be invited at all.

You don't know what you're talking about. A father's loyalty should always lie with his own children.

My father became a widower at 55. Not long after my mother died, he had a 'girlfriend-companion' for about 2 years. She was a long time family friend.
He took her out to dinner, on vacations and paid for things.
When my father became aware that she saw him as a walking bank account he ended the relationship - for good. He told me he would never remarry and Mom was the only woman for him.

I'm glad it ended. It was for the best. There were no disagreements or disputes about inheritance. I inherited everything (only child).

As for the girlfriend, she moved on to the next wealthy widower (who happened to be someone in my father's social circle). And when he died suddenly of cardiac arrest, his daughter threw her out of the property. She had been living there for free.

Maybe this is why stepmoms treat you and your friends so poorly. They see you for who you are. It takes a special type of cruelty to kick a woman out of her home when she’s grieving her partner’s death. Stone cold.

[Anonymous]

So organize a trip and invite your dad and his wife. If he offers to pay, great, but as you said in your OP, it's not about money, it's about quality time. YOU ORGANIZE IT AND INVITE THEM. Stop being lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is totally normal in a step mom situation.

Of course she only wants her own kids over all day on Christmas or on vacations. Put yourself in her shoes and really think about it. Do you want a bunch of near strangers on vacation with you? No of course not.

Honestly, you’re lucky to be invited at all.

You don't know what you're talking about. A father's loyalty should always lie with his own children.

My father became a widower at 55. Not long after my mother died, he had a 'girlfriend-companion' for about 2 years. She was a long time family friend.
He took her out to dinner, on vacations and paid for things.
When my father became aware that she saw him as a walking bank account he ended the relationship - for good. He told me he would never remarry and Mom was the only woman for him.

I'm glad it ended. It was for the best. There were no disagreements or disputes about inheritance. I inherited everything (only child).

As for the girlfriend, she moved on to the next wealthy widower (who happened to be someone in my father's social circle). And when he died suddenly of cardiac arrest, his daughter threw her out of the property. She had been living there for free.

Maybe this is why stepmoms treat you and your friends so poorly. They see you for who you are. It takes a special type of cruelty to kick a woman out of her home when she’s grieving her partner’s death. Stone cold.

It wasn't HER home. It was HIS. And after he died it became his only daughter's home through inheritance. His daughter was within her legal rights to ask her father's girlfriend to leave the property.
Yes, it probably was cruel, but if he had cared enough for this woman, he would have written her in his will.

I'm glad I never had a stepmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is often that women take care of organizing things like this. Thus she will organize trips with her kids, but probably doesn’t feel it’s her place to organize a trip with his kids.

A really kind and thoughtful stepmother would encourage and help plan vacations with his children and their families, too.

Thanks for creating more emotional labor for women. The husband can do it if he wants to. It’s his children.

Exactly. It’s not her responsibility to manage and better his relationships with his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is often that women take care of organizing things like this. Thus she will organize trips with her kids, but probably doesn’t feel it’s her place to organize a trip with his kids.

A really kind and thoughtful stepmother would encourage and help plan vacations with his children and their families, too.

Thanks for creating more emotional labor for women. The husband can do it if he wants to. It’s his children.

Exactly. It’s not her responsibility to manage and better his relationships with his children.

I hope you don’t believe that for stepmothers of minor children, because that’s a real Cinderella scenario. “Oh, it’s not my job to do anything for his kids! I have my own kids to look out for. His kids come second.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be that his wife's family likes SPENDING TIME TOGETHER, whereas your focus seems to be having your dad TAKE YOU on a vacation.

Do you want to go on a vacation and spend time with your dad AND his wife?

No, it isn't that at all. My dad has never taken us on vacation. When my siblings and I were little (before my parents divorced), our grandparents used to take us on vacations together as a family and those were good memories. My siblings and I like spending time with my dad, but it's hard when his wife is around. She sours everything.

OP...please provide specific examples of what exactly your stepmom does to sour anything. You sound like you just don't like her.

Okay, well, growing up when it was my weekend to come over to my dad's, she would have tantrums and slam things around. She didn't like me going to the pantry to get even a bowl of cereal. Even if I was as careful as possible, she hated having anymore dishes in the dishwasher and acted like I would be making a mess. I was a clean kid and kind of OCD.

She would gossip to her friends about me (one told me) when I was a teenager. She said that she found my hair in the bathroom shower after I left one weekend. I was 16.

I was not allowed to have friends over to my dad's house growing up.

She would act angry and pissed off for no reason. She is an alcoholic.

When my sister became pregnant with her first child at 37, she took her up to the spare room to show her all the things she bought for her own daughter's second kid and didn't get my sister anything.

When my grandparents were living, they were never invited to my dad's home because my stepmom didn't want them over but she had all of her family over.

When my dad was at work one day when I was 18 and staying at my dad's for 2 weeks, she made me pack all my things and leave because she was mad that I was staying there and didn't want me there. I have always been polite to her. To be honest, I'm afraid of her.

she sounds so much like my stepmother.

just pretend she doesn’t exist. go straight to your dad. extend invitations on your turf. she’s a controlling, immature woman who sees you as a threat, and your dad is too weak to counteract it on his own.

+1

Bypass stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Op- don’t take advice from people with intact families. They don’t know what a sh!t sandwich you are being force fed. The pp that said that (some) men remarry and dump their bio kids is correct. Sorry. It happened to me. Dad doesn’t want to be alone and has a new wife. She and her kids are ruling the roost. There is nothing you can do. My dad did this. One of my best friends- a kind, loving, educated, professional woman is experiencing this right now. Her mom died suddenly and her dad remarried about 4 years later. The new wife has everything her way. Her kids are front and center. (They are in their 70s and their kids are all in their late 40s early 50s)

No matter how kind and accepting she is, she gets blamed for any issues. She does everything! She arranged their reception! She has them over for dinner! She does everything they ask with a smile and it’s still not good enough! The new wife is determined to take control and drive my friend and her kids out out out. It’s gross.

[Anonymous]

Why not tell your Dad the trip sounded great and you and your siblings would love to do a trip with him and his wife? It simply may not have dawned on him.