Remarried boomer parent takes his wife and her adult kids and their families on vacation

[Anonymous]

Geez, typical DCUM posters strike again with the vitriol and projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is doing the planning for this stuff so she sets the guest list. Have you even said “wow dad when is the vacation for our side??” Don’t sit and stew.

This. Good lord, op. Grow up and grow a backbone.

NP. Dad said he had two priorities: his job and his wife, which included her kids. He made all kinds of excuses as to why my younger sib and I couldn’t go. In the end it came down to the fact that those were family events. I was 12.

[Anonymous]

About the trust. My grandmother left one to me, but with my dad and aunt as trustees and able to use the income. Guess what? My aunt has never worked and once grandma died, she told me that she uses my trust money for herself. Could I sue her? Sure, but it’s not worth it. I just go on assuming that she will spend it all. What am I going to do put her on the street when she’s old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, per the usual...this thread was totally derailed by people projecting (angry stepmothers, etc).

I could be one of the stepmother’s kids in this situation. My mother and stepfather treat his children exactly this way. I also happen to be best friends with my stepsister so I understand your perspective very well. Your analysis of this situation is on the mark. Your father has selected marital harmony over his children. Accept this and distance yourself. He doesn’t deserve you.

Thank you for validating my feelings... lots of derailing going on here and I kinda had a feeling that it's coming from older stepmoms or something of that sort.

I am starting to accept it. As I've had some time to reflect, I think this sort of thing has been going on for years and I didn't know about it or was busy doing other things. My fiance was killed in a car accident a few years back and my dad made some stupid comparison to how it was similar to when my mom divorced him. I got really angry. Um, NO. It's nothing like that. I hung up on him. This is the logic of my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez, typical DCUM posters strike again with the vitriol and projecting.

Totally agree. This family board has been terrible the past couple of months. Some angry, angry people on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, per the usual...this thread was totally derailed by people projecting (angry stepmothers, etc).

I could be one of the stepmother’s kids in this situation. My mother and stepfather treat his children exactly this way. I also happen to be best friends with my stepsister so I understand your perspective very well. Your analysis of this situation is on the mark. Your father has selected marital harmony over his children. Accept this and distance yourself. He doesn’t deserve you.

Thank you for validating my feelings... lots of derailing going on here and I kinda had a feeling that it's coming from older stepmoms or something of that sort.

I am starting to accept it. As I've had some time to reflect, I think this sort of thing has been going on for years and I didn't know about it or was busy doing other things. My fiance was killed in a car accident a few years back and my dad made some stupid comparison to how it was similar to when my mom divorced him. I got really angry. Um, NO. It's nothing like that. I hung up on him. This is the logic of my dad.

OP...is your stepmom an alcoholic or just a heavy drinker? The way you write makes me think you have some distorted thinking going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, per the usual...this thread was totally derailed by people projecting (angry stepmothers, etc).

I could be one of the stepmother’s kids in this situation. My mother and stepfather treat his children exactly this way. I also happen to be best friends with my stepsister so I understand your perspective very well. Your analysis of this situation is on the mark. Your father has selected marital harmony over his children. Accept this and distance yourself. He doesn’t deserve you.

Thank you for validating my feelings... lots of derailing going on here and I kinda had a feeling that it's coming from older stepmoms or something of that sort.

I am starting to accept it. As I've had some time to reflect, I think this sort of thing has been going on for years and I didn't know about it or was busy doing other things. My fiance was killed in a car accident a few years back and my dad made some stupid comparison to how it was similar to when my mom divorced him. I got really angry. Um, NO. It's nothing like that. I hung up on him. This is the logic of my dad.

I have my own issues with my parents (bio mom and dad) and have had therapy to process and be the best partner and parent I can be. If you’re open to that, definitely consider it. It’s a very bitter pill to swallow to know your parents made the decision not to cultivate a close relationship with you, their child. Please know this is about your Dad’s limitations and isn’t about you personally at all. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your stepmom's family live close to them? Do you and your siblings have to travel to see them?

Something I have noticed when a parents says these things is that it can be a version of, See how hard these step kids try to spend time with me?

Combine that with a second wife who tries super hard to make sure her kids are in his good graces and it's a bad mix.

If you want a relationship with him then you have to work to have it. He's a boomer guy who thinks the women do all the work for making the relationships work.

If you don't want to do the work (and not get any inheritance) then so be it. But you can bet your sweet patoot that those step kids are working their patoots off to get in the will.

My brother and I live in DC, sister lives in California. And yes, his wife's kids both live within 30 minutes of my dad and his wife.

God you have me a little worried now. My dad is conservative and I don't think he would leave my grandparents' money to them because my grandparents had it outlined in their irrevocable trust who the money is supposed to go to. However, I'm pretty sure my dad has left all the money to his wife when he dies and then it is supposed to go to us. But she could do whatever she wants with it when she gets it. I'm not sure how that works. I try not to ask or think too much about it because it makes me sick and I don't want to be too focused on it. I wasn't supposed to see a document but he accidentally included it in a stack of papers he gave me once. It was from his bank and he signed some paperwork saying that his wife is the first beneficiary and we (me and my 3 siblings) are second. Her kids are not mentioned.

I think this means wife gets his $$ if he dies first. She will forget you exist from that day on. Ask me how I know (stepDD and friend was a stepdaughter whose Dads died first).

[Anonymous]

It's sad but he prioritizes her and she prioritizes her relatives. I'm sure your dad is not planning these trips. He is along as her date (and bank account).

You just have to accept that his love for you is more passive.

I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Did anyone catch that OP said she and her brother are adopted? So the only bio child is the sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be that his wife's family likes SPENDING TIME TOGETHER, whereas your focus seems to be having your dad TAKE YOU on a vacation.

Do you want to go on a vacation and spend time with your dad AND his wife?

No, it isn't that at all. My dad has never taken us on vacation. When my siblings and I were little (before my parents divorced), our grandparents used to take us on vacations together as a family and those were good memories. My siblings and I like spending time with my dad, but it's hard when his wife is around. She sours everything.

OP...please provide specific examples of what exactly your stepmom does to sour anything. You sound like you just don't like her.

Okay, well, growing up when it was my weekend to come over to my dad's, she would have tantrums and slam things around. She didn't like me going to the pantry to get even a bowl of cereal. Even if I was as careful as possible, she hated having anymore dishes in the dishwasher and acted like I would be making a mess. I was a clean kid and kind of OCD.

She would gossip to her friends about me (one told me) when I was a teenager. She said that she found my hair in the bathroom shower after I left one weekend. I was 16.

I was not allowed to have friends over to my dad's house growing up.

She would act angry and pissed off for no reason. She is an alcoholic.

When my sister became pregnant with her first child at 37, she took her up to the spare room to show her all the things she bought for her own daughter's second kid and didn't get my sister anything.

When my grandparents were living, they were never invited to my dad's home because my stepmom didn't want them over but she had all of her family over.

When my dad was at work one day when I was 18 and staying at my dad's for 2 weeks, she made me pack all my things and leave because she was mad that I was staying there and didn't want me there. I have always been polite to her. To be honest, I'm afraid of her.

Also - to add, my SIL and my sister also feel uncomfortable around her. When my sister has stayed there, she also feels like has to "camp out" and steer clear of my dad's wife because she gets angry about little spills or crumbs on the countertop. She is literally peeking around corners to try to not go down to the kitchen when my dad's wife is down there because she's a neat freak and doesn't like anyone touching ANYTHING in the kitchen. We clean up after ourselves!

When we go over for Christmas, she says weird stuff to the kids (who are just being kids). My nephew was riding his little toy car around (he was almost 2) and almost rode it into the bathroom and she scolded him. Um, why not just shut the door? He's a baby.

2 years old is a toddler, not a baby. Your dad’s wife just doesn’t like messes or children causing trouble. That’s normal. The fact that your nephew was able to ride his toy car is pretty generous. What if he dented a fridge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is totally normal in a step mom situation.

Of course she only wants her own kids over all day on Christmas or on vacations. Put yourself in her shoes and really think about it. Do you want a bunch of near strangers on vacation with you? No of course not.

Honestly, you’re lucky to be invited at all.

You don't know what you're talking about. A father's loyalty should always lie with his own children.

My father became a widower at 55. Not long after my mother died, he had a 'girlfriend-companion' for about 2 years. She was a long time family friend.
He took her out to dinner, on vacations and paid for things.
When my father became aware that she saw him as a walking bank account he ended the relationship - for good. He told me he would never remarry and Mom was the only woman for him.

I'm glad it ended. It was for the best. There were no disagreements or disputes about inheritance. I inherited everything (only child).

As for the girlfriend, she moved on to the next wealthy widower (who happened to be someone in my father's social circle). And when he died suddenly of cardiac arrest, his daughter threw her out of the property. She had been living there for free.

[Anonymous]

That sounds very hurtful OP. That's certainly not the choice I could see myself making whether as a parent or a step parent, but you can't control the choices that others make, only how you react to them.

Unfortunately I think you should mentally prepare yourself that the money from your grandparents won't be coming to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I will never divorce my husband. Divorce has repercussions decades after the fact.

Very true.
My dad's wife also keeps photos of all of HER kids and HER grandkids on big wall in the living room. There's not one of me or my siblings or our children. There are 5 grandkids from us. Not one photo of them there. It's sad when my nephew points it out and asks why they aren't on the wall with their cousins (my dad's wife's kid's kids).

Mention the photo wall and how it makes you feel to your dad. Then every time he looks at it he can think about that. He sounds conveniently clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is often that women take care of organizing things like this. Thus she will organize trips with her kids, but probably doesn’t feel it’s her place to organize a trip with his kids.

A really kind and thoughtful stepmother would encourage and help plan vacations with his children and their families, too.