Remarried boomer parent takes his wife and her adult kids and their families on vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be that his wife's family likes SPENDING TIME TOGETHER, whereas your focus seems to be having your dad TAKE YOU on a vacation.

Do you want to go on a vacation and spend time with your dad AND his wife?

No, it isn't that at all. My dad has never taken us on vacation. When my siblings and I were little (before my parents divorced), our grandparents used to take us on vacations together as a family and those were good memories. My siblings and I like spending time with my dad, but it's hard when his wife is around. She sours everything.

Sure she does. You just sound like a money hungry brat. Have you ever even talked to your dad about this? Doesn't sound like it

Your comment almost isn't even worth responding to. I'm not money hungry. My dad inherited from my grandparents and that money is in an irrevocable trust.
His wife has never had to work. I don't ask about the money. I don't even care if we all go on vacation together as a family, but it's hurtful that he chooses to do this stuff with her kids and not us. We all have a good relationship with my dad. If he goes to visit any of us (he hasn't visited me yet in my new home), then he never brings his wife because she chooses not to come. She has always been this way. She's into her kids, not us. But my dad makes an effort with her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m actually slightly envious—imagining what it would be like to have another family go on vacation/do holidays with my parents and take the heat off me...

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t ask your dad about it. You don’t have to be rude and confrontational. If he mentions a vacation with his step-kids, why not say at that moment: “Thar sounds fun, dad, we’d love to do that with you guys also. Would you be into it?” And if he says yes you can offer to plan it or help stepmom plan it so it actually happens.

I wouldn’t say a word about the money, though, not your place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be that his wife's family likes SPENDING TIME TOGETHER, whereas your focus seems to be having your dad TAKE YOU on a vacation.

Do you want to go on a vacation and spend time with your dad AND his wife?

No, it isn't that at all. My dad has never taken us on vacation. When my siblings and I were little (before my parents divorced), our grandparents used to take us on vacations together as a family and those were good memories. My siblings and I like spending time with my dad, but it's hard when his wife is around. She sours everything.

OP...please provide specific examples of what exactly your stepmom does to sour anything. You sound like you just don't like her.

Okay, well, growing up when it was my weekend to come over to my dad's, she would have tantrums and slam things around. She didn't like me going to the pantry to get even a bowl of cereal. Even if I was as careful as possible, she hated having anymore dishes in the dishwasher and acted like I would be making a mess. I was a clean kid and kind of OCD.

She would gossip to her friends about me (one told me) when I was a teenager. She said that she found my hair in the bathroom shower after I left one weekend. I was 16.

I was not allowed to have friends over to my dad's house growing up.

She would act angry and pissed off for no reason. She is an alcoholic.

When my sister became pregnant with her first child at 37, she took her up to the spare room to show her all the things she bought for her own daughter's second kid and didn't get my sister anything.

When my grandparents were living, they were never invited to my dad's home because my stepmom didn't want them over but she had all of her family over.

When my dad was at work one day when I was 18 and staying at my dad's for 2 weeks, she made me pack all my things and leave because she was mad that I was staying there and didn't want me there. I have always been polite to her. To be honest, I'm afraid of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you wouldn’t ask your dad about it. You don’t have to be rude and confrontational. If he mentions a vacation with his step-kids, why not say at that moment: “Thar sounds fun, dad, we’d love to do that with you guys also. Would you be into it?” And if he says yes you can offer to plan it or help stepmom plan it so it actually happens.

I wouldn’t say a word about the money, though, not your place.

I've never said a word about money to him. EVER. And I wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

My father married a woman who flipped a switch on their wedding day. My sibling and I were in our 20s, and her kids were in their 30s. My brother and I are educated, and we are constant reminders of my mother (despite the fact that they divorced when I was a toddler) - both of which annoy our father's wife. She made him choose, and he went along with it every step of the way. It was her and her family or us. We tried to fight, and continue our relationships, but she escalated her crazy and made things much worse. Some parents have no spines, and others are insecure. Biological children never fare well when the new parents are one of each (spineless and insecure). It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Be an adult OP and talk to him. Also don't know why you say the stepmother is so bad. Your dad is a pretty awful dad if he didnt step in once she kicked you out or the fact that he lets her decide food and everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be that his wife's family likes SPENDING TIME TOGETHER, whereas your focus seems to be having your dad TAKE YOU on a vacation.

Do you want to go on a vacation and spend time with your dad AND his wife?

No, it isn't that at all. My dad has never taken us on vacation. When my siblings and I were little (before my parents divorced), our grandparents used to take us on vacations together as a family and those were good memories. My siblings and I like spending time with my dad, but it's hard when his wife is around. She sours everything.

OP...please provide specific examples of what exactly your stepmom does to sour anything. You sound like you just don't like her.

Okay, well, growing up when it was my weekend to come over to my dad's, she would have tantrums and slam things around. She didn't like me going to the pantry to get even a bowl of cereal. Even if I was as careful as possible, she hated having anymore dishes in the dishwasher and acted like I would be making a mess. I was a clean kid and kind of OCD.

She would gossip to her friends about me (one told me) when I was a teenager. She said that she found my hair in the bathroom shower after I left one weekend. I was 16.

I was not allowed to have friends over to my dad's house growing up.

She would act angry and pissed off for no reason. She is an alcoholic.

When my sister became pregnant with her first child at 37, she took her up to the spare room to show her all the things she bought for her own daughter's second kid and didn't get my sister anything.

When my grandparents were living, they were never invited to my dad's home because my stepmom didn't want them over but she had all of her family over.

When my dad was at work one day when I was 18 and staying at my dad's for 2 weeks, she made me pack all my things and leave because she was mad that I was staying there and didn't want me there. I have always been polite to her. To be honest, I'm afraid of her.

Also - to add, my SIL and my sister also feel uncomfortable around her. When my sister has stayed there, she also feels like has to "camp out" and steer clear of my dad's wife because she gets angry about little spills or crumbs on the countertop. She is literally peeking around corners to try to not go down to the kitchen when my dad's wife is down there because she's a neat freak and doesn't like anyone touching ANYTHING in the kitchen. We clean up after ourselves!

When we go over for Christmas, she says weird stuff to the kids (who are just being kids). My nephew was riding his little toy car around (he was almost 2) and almost rode it into the bathroom and she scolded him. Um, why not just shut the door? He's a baby.

[Anonymous]

Talk therapy would help you a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be an adult OP and talk to him. Also don't know why you say the stepmother is so bad. Your dad is a pretty awful dad if he didnt step in once she kicked you out or the fact that he lets her decide food and everything.

My dad is a nice man but he lets his wife do whatever she wants and he acts oblivious to her behavior. My mom agreed this is how he has always been. They were married 18 years. And yeah, you're exactly right. He should have stepped in but he didn't.

[Anonymous]

I have a little of that but it's mostly because of an age gap - my stepsibling is 30 years younger and essentially grew up with my dad in the house. And my dad's wife is only a few years older than me. My kids are close in age to her kid. So they treat him as a kid, and me more as a peer. We've gone on vacation with them but of course always pay our own way, while even at 30 they still pay for my stepsibling when they vacation together. Of course I still pay for my kids too so it's not that unusual. They do go on more trips with her family than with mine.

Income wise I think we out earn them, and we are both pretty high SES, so it wouldn't be appropriate for me to expect they are going to pay for things for me, but yes, it does occasionally bug me that my stepsibling gets things that I didn't get as the same age. But that's mostly because they are in a better economic position now then my parents were way back when.

Out earning them also makes me less focused on the fact that his wife, and then stepbrother, will inherit everything. It's probably a little unfair but there is nothing I can do about it, and I don't need the money, so I don't worry about it.

Overall we have a good relationship with them, after an initial rocky period (due to affair/divorce), so I just focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your stepmom's family live close to them? Do you and your siblings have to travel to see them?

Something I have noticed when a parents says these things is that it can be a version of, See how hard these step kids try to spend time with me?

Combine that with a second wife who tries super hard to make sure her kids are in his good graces and it's a bad mix.

If you want a relationship with him then you have to work to have it. He's a boomer guy who thinks the women do all the work for making the relationships work.

If you don't want to do the work (and not get any inheritance) then so be it. But you can bet your sweet patoot that those step kids are working their patoots off to get in the will.

My brother and I live in DC, sister lives in California. And yes, his wife's kids both live within 30 minutes of my dad and his wife.

God you have me a little worried now. My dad is conservative and I don't think he would leave my grandparents' money to them because my grandparents had it outlined in their irrevocable trust who the money is supposed to go to. However, I'm pretty sure my dad has left all the money to his wife when he dies and then it is supposed to go to us. But she could do whatever she wants with it when she gets it. I'm not sure how that works. I try not to ask or think too much about it because it makes me sick and I don't want to be too focused on it. I wasn't supposed to see a document but he accidentally included it in a stack of papers he gave me once. It was from his bank and he signed some paperwork saying that his wife is the first beneficiary and we (me and my 3 siblings) are second. Her kids are not mentioned.

OP, I would get a full understanding of the will from an attorney. If it is an irrevocable trust, established by your grandparents to go to your dad, then to you and your siblings, I don't understand how it can legally go to the wife. As is, it sounds like it is going to the wife for the use during her lifetime, then passed on to you. That said, it she actually controls the money (it might that she doesn't control it) she will do everything she can to set her own kids up before she dies.

Again, if your dad is making arrangements for his wife then I don't think it could have been irrevocable. Though I'm sure someone here understands this better than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father married a woman who flipped a switch on their wedding day. My sibling and I were in our 20s, and her kids were in their 30s. My brother and I are educated, and we are constant reminders of my mother (despite the fact that they divorced when I was a toddler) - both of which annoy our father's wife. She made him choose, and he went along with it every step of the way. It was her and her family or us. We tried to fight, and continue our relationships, but she escalated her crazy and made things much worse. Some parents have no spines, and others are insecure. Biological children never fare well when the new parents are one of each (spineless and insecure). It sucks.

Oh you just reminded me of something!
When we were growing up and my dad first married his second wife, he told us that we were forbidden to mention my mom around her because she didn't like hearing about her. We couldn't even say something like "Mom said this or that..." or "Mom bought me a new shirt." No mention of our mom whatsoever.

My sister is my parents' only biological child and my brother and i are adopted. But yeah. My dad is definitely spineless.

[Anonymous]

That is so sad. You have every right to be hurt. To have a dad that never thinks of you and his bio kids and grandkids.
Hugs, op!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone here will tell you-- it's men. They get remarried and dump their bio kids in favor of the new wife's family or the kids they have together. Don't worry about the money, the 2nd wife (and her kids) will get any money inheritance.
I wouldn't tolerate it-- would just keep my distance.

OP here and I definitely feel this is the case with my dad. He still sees me and my siblings, but not as much as he sees his wife's kids. Even when he mentions it, I feel angry but I just smile and say "Oh that's nice. I'm glad you had a good time."

Are you saying the second wife and her kids will get all the inheritance?
My grandparents left it in a trust. Its supposed to go to my dad and then me and my siblings. But I accidentally got a document that my dad signed (he didn't mean to it include it in some other paperwork he gave to me) and it said that all of his money would be left to the wife. I really don't know if that means his money or my grandparents' trust and I'm not going to ask. But I don't want to be embattled with her one day.

I definitely do feel like I'm going to keep my distance more. My partner and I were considering moving back to my home state and this kind of shit makes me reconsider.

pp here- I just think that many re-married men "go with the flow." Your dad isn't necessarily prioritizing his wife's kids over you and your siblings-- he's prioritizing his wife, and she is putting her children first. In that sense, it's not personal-- it's just that he wants a happy home life, and it sounds like she is willing to make things difficult. It isn't always like this- my neighbors are both in a their second marriage- the DH's DD from his first marriage is treated like a daughter and full/equal member of the household when she stays.
Same with my close friend- she's bent over backwards for her step kids, treats them equally to her bio kids, and would take care of them and seek a close relationship and provide all support even if something happened to her DH-- but she's just a really nice person that some people are lucky to have in their lives.