Remarried boomer parent takes his wife and her adult kids and their families on vacation

[Anonymous]

So my dad is a boomer (70) and he just casually mentioned in an email that he just got back from a 2 week trip to Florida with his wife and her 2 adult children, their spouses, their kids, and his wife's mother. My dad has never taken us (my 3 siblings, their spouses, my partner and our 1 child, and my nieces and nephews) on a vacation of any kind. I know he's done this before with his wife's family. It makes me feel even more distant from him. He is so ignorant to how his actions can be hurtful. He's also mentioned things like having her kids over for dinner (we never get invited). And at Christmas, they come over all day. For our Christmas with them, we are told "It will be from 12-2). So there is a time end - almost like a kid's birthday party!

My dad is a wealthy man after inheriting a lot from my grandparents who passed away. This is not about money, but it's about spending quality time together and it just seems like we are not his priority. He has never come to visit me (he lives in the Midwest). It feels like he doesn't care. It makes me feel sour and just when I begin to open to him, it makes me want to back off and be more distant when I find out something like this. His wife has always been cold and even outright mean as I was growing up. He acts oblivious to it. My sister has had the same experience with her, but she seems to like guys better and has been nice to my brother (but not very warm toward my child or my nieces and nephews at all. They won't go near her).

Anybody else dealing with parents like this where they have a separate life with their other family? What is your reaction? I know there is nothing I can do and of course I want my dad to be happy, but his actions are hurtful. I've never suggested we all go on vacation together but it's even the little things like him and his wife saying Christmas is from 12-2. I don't think it would even be in the cards for us to all go on vacation together because his wife seems to only be able to be around us for very limited periods of time. My siblings and I are all polite. It's not an "us" problem.

[Anonymous]

I would spend one to two years inviting them to visit me more often. If little effort was made, well then I knew very well where I stood and I would step back.

[Anonymous]

The issue is often that women take care of organizing things like this. Thus she will organize trips with her kids, but probably doesn’t feel it’s her place to organize a trip with his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is often that women take care of organizing things like this. Thus she will organize trips with her kids, but probably doesn’t feel it’s her place to organize a trip with his kids.

I get that, but my dad usually suggests things like this. And it's his money. She doesn't work and never has. I'm sure he paid for the entire thing.

[Anonymous]

Everyone here will tell you-- it's men. They get remarried and dump their bio kids in favor of the new wife's family or the kids they have together. Don't worry about the money, the 2nd wife (and her kids) will get any money inheritance.
I wouldn't tolerate it-- would just keep my distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is often that women take care of organizing things like this. Thus she will organize trips with her kids, but probably doesn’t feel it’s her place to organize a trip with his kids.

I get that, but my dad usually suggests things like this. And it's his money. She doesn't work and never has. I'm sure he paid for the entire thing.

Then I guess he can do what he wants with it.

[Anonymous]

How close are you with your step mom? If you want to see your step mom you need to be best friends with your step mom and buddy up to her. Not fair, but it just is that way.

[Anonymous]

Wife is doing the planning for this stuff so she sets the guest list. Have you even said “wow dad when is the vacation for our side??” Don’t sit and stew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is often that women take care of organizing things like this. Thus she will organize trips with her kids, but probably doesn’t feel it’s her place to organize a trip with his kids.

Yep and it's not her role either. Your dad needs to step up and do it, but he's from a generation that likely won't.

[Anonymous]

My mother is remarried and does the same thing. My half-siblings spend all holidays with my mom and her DH (we don’t), they are invited on vacations with them (we aren’t), they hang out on weekends (we don’t) and receive nice gifts.

It is very hurtful. But I’m hardened and used to it.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with your dad so the minimal visiting kind of makes sense. But given you're not super close, I wouldn't sit and stew on this. Ask him why you guys don't vacation together or why he doesn't visit etc etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone here will tell you-- it's men. They get remarried and dump their bio kids in favor of the new wife's family or the kids they have together. Don't worry about the money, the 2nd wife (and her kids) will get any money inheritance.
I wouldn't tolerate it-- would just keep my distance.

OP here and I definitely feel this is the case with my dad. He still sees me and my siblings, but not as much as he sees his wife's kids. Even when he mentions it, I feel angry but I just smile and say "Oh that's nice. I'm glad you had a good time."

Are you saying the second wife and her kids will get all the inheritance?
My grandparents left it in a trust. Its supposed to go to my dad and then me and my siblings. But I accidentally got a document that my dad signed (he didn't mean to it include it in some other paperwork he gave to me) and it said that all of his money would be left to the wife. I really don't know if that means his money or my grandparents' trust and I'm not going to ask. But I don't want to be embattled with her one day.

I definitely do feel like I'm going to keep my distance more. My partner and I were considering moving back to my home state and this kind of shit makes me reconsider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with your dad so the minimal visiting kind of makes sense. But given you're not super close, I wouldn't sit and stew on this. Ask him why you guys don't vacation together or why he doesn't visit etc etc

Our relationship is fine but when I find out stuff like this I definitely want to take a few big steps back. It hurts and this isn't the first time it's happened by any means. I just tend to find out and then forget about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is remarried and does the same thing. My half-siblings spend all holidays with my mom and her DH (we don’t), they are invited on vacations with them (we aren’t), they hang out on weekends (we don’t) and receive nice gifts.

It is very hurtful. But I’m hardened and used to it.

OP here. I'm sorry you go through this too. I feel like I'm becoming hardened and used to it too. But it still stings even after many years. Like I said, this isn't the first time I find something out like this. But I guess even more hurtful is the way he casually mentions it and brings it up. Makes me want to slap him.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your stepmom's family live close to them? Do you and your siblings have to travel to see them?

Something I have noticed when a parents says these things is that it can be a version of, See how hard these step kids try to spend time with me?

Combine that with a second wife who tries super hard to make sure her kids are in his good graces and it's a bad mix.

If you want a relationship with him then you have to work to have it. He's a boomer guy who thinks the women do all the work for making the relationships work.

If you don't want to do the work (and not get any inheritance) then so be it. But you can bet your sweet patoot that those step kids are working their patoots off to get in the will.