Remarried boomer parent takes his wife and her adult kids and their families on vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is often that women take care of organizing things like this. Thus she will organize trips with her kids, but probably doesn’t feel it’s her place to organize a trip with his kids.

A really kind and thoughtful stepmother would encourage and help plan vacations with his children and their families, too.

Thanks for creating more emotional labor for women. The husband can do it if he wants to. It’s his children.

Exactly. It’s not her responsibility to manage and better his relationships with his children.

I hope you don’t believe that for stepmothers of minor children, because that’s a real Cinderella scenario. “Oh, it’s not my job to do anything for his kids! I have my own kids to look out for. His kids come second.”

Wait, so a stepmom is obliged to do her stepkids’ laundry, cook them meals, and supervise their homework? Good luck managing that. People love to impose responsibilities on stepmothers but if a stepmom ever tries to discipline the stepkids, it becomes “not your business”. You can’t have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So to recap, we have a response that stepmoms are totally right to refuse their own husband's grandkids to visit because they cause messes?

The stepmom didn’t refuse the visit, did she? Check your reading comprehension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is often that women take care of organizing things like this. Thus she will organize trips with her kids, but probably doesn’t feel it’s her place to organize a trip with his kids.

I get that, but my dad usually suggests things like this. And it's his money. She doesn't work and never has. I'm sure he paid for the entire thing.

Then I guess he can do what he wants with it.

NP. Just b/c he can doesn't mean that his actions don't have consequences in how his kids react/feel about him.

Dad is a jerk. Full stop. I'm sick of the "men arent' the ones that plan things" bullshit. They are grown adults who are capable of understanding favoritism and how their actions affect other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone catch that OP said she and her brother are adopted? So the only bio child is the sister.

How is that relevant? They are his children. Period.

[Anonymous]

OP, your situation is almost exactly like mine, except I have two brothers and our dad doesn't live in the midwest.

It never got any better. And it still hurts me so much.

I have concluded that my dad's wife's kids and their children really have replaced my brothers and me. Her family is his, and his previous family (which he had with his deceased first wife, our mother) is a kind of distant extended family to him now, just people he sometimes talks to on the phone and doesn't really care about seeing.

Accepting this made it slightly easier, and I was only able to do that after some years of therapy. I've stopped reaching out to my dad, and that stops me from feeling so hurt.

[Anonymous]

OP, why don't you say something to him? "Dad, that sounds so great--we'd love to do something like that with you. Could we plan something together for [holiday]?"

[Anonymous]

You sound really greedy, OP. You're making this all about money.

If his wife's children live close to them, then of course they see them more and of course they're going to want to spend more time and money on them. If you moved to your home state, I bet your relationship with your dad would become closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound really greedy, OP. You're making this all about money.

If his wife's children live close to them, then of course they see them more and of course they're going to want to spend more time and money on them. If you moved to your home state, I bet your relationship with your dad would become closer.

She’s really not. Do you have stepparents? Are your parents divorced? Serious question, because it sounds like you don’t understand OP’s dynamic.

[Anonymous]

It could be worse ...check the thread with the alky stepsister. You’ll feel grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is totally normal in a step mom situation.

Of course she only wants her own kids over all day on Christmas or on vacations. Put yourself in her shoes and really think about it. Do you want a bunch of near strangers on vacation with you? No of course not.

Honestly, you’re lucky to be invited at all.

You don't know what you're talking about. A father's loyalty should always lie with his own children.

My father became a widower at 55. Not long after my mother died, he had a 'girlfriend-companion' for about 2 years. She was a long time family friend.
He took her out to dinner, on vacations and paid for things.
When my father became aware that she saw him as a walking bank account he ended the relationship - for good. He told me he would never remarry and Mom was the only woman for him.

I'm glad it ended. It was for the best. There were no disagreements or disputes about inheritance. I inherited everything (only child).

As for the girlfriend, she moved on to the next wealthy widower (who happened to be someone in my father's social circle). And when he died suddenly of cardiac arrest, his daughter threw her out of the property. She had been living there for free.

+1

I believe this. DH has an older uncle who married a 30 year younger single mother. Not much in common. Uncle had his own family, long ignored by him. The new wife threw a two week long destination wedding extravaganza in Europe (she had never been), and he paid for her whole family to come from more than half way across the globe- about 40+ (!!!) of them. All she saw/sees is an old wealthy man who will kick the bucket soon enough, it seems. She became a receptionist in his office. It never occurred to her to be with someone her age, as she runs with a rough crowd, and far be it from her to sacrifice through his lean years. She isn't very friendly to the extended family, in general - like PPs have said, we might be a threat, I'm not sure. The older (over 80) relatives are okay in her book, apparently, but she hasn't really warmed up to too many people, or friendly when in the same room (usually events, like weddings). If you serve a purpose to her, she is fine with you, otherwise forget it.

I feel bad for him, but as PP said, he probably didn't want to be alone anymore. Plus, he knew he screwed up his first family, so guilt probably took over for the second wife to be the "second attempt" at getting it right. Not that leaving the first family out makes anything any better, because it doesn't. To boot, she had an "oops baby" that he will never see graduate from high school. That cements that she will get everything, of course. Very strange and very sad, all around.

I might be less judgmental sounding if I wasn't positively raked over the coals upon entering the family - I had my own job, my own accomplishments, and my own life long before DH, but was treated extremely harshly by DH's family, for some reason. DH and I are and always have been independent, and never asked the family for anything. Not exactly the warm and welcoming types, I suppose.

OP, if I were you, I would make an effort with your dad. He might be carrying a lot of guilt for not being there for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really greedy, OP. You're making this all about money.

If his wife's children live close to them, then of course they see them more and of course they're going to want to spend more time and money on them. If you moved to your home state, I bet your relationship with your dad would become closer.

She’s really not. Do you have stepparents? Are your parents divorced? Serious question, because it sounds like you don’t understand OP’s dynamic.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op- don’t take advice from people with intact families. They don’t know what a sh!t sandwich you are being force fed. The pp that said that (some) men remarry and dump their bio kids is correct. Sorry. It happened to me. Dad doesn’t want to be alone and has a new wife. She and her kids are ruling the roost. There is nothing you can do. My dad did this. One of my best friends- a kind, loving, educated, professional woman is experiencing this right now. Her mom died suddenly and her dad remarried about 4 years later. The new wife has everything her way. Her kids are front and center. (They are in their 70s and their kids are all in their late 40s early 50s)

No matter how kind and accepting she is, she gets blamed for any issues. She does everything! She arranged their reception! She has them over for dinner! She does everything they ask with a smile and it’s still not good enough! The new wife is determined to take control and drive my friend and her kids out out out. It’s gross.

+1

[Anonymous]

Wow. My mom had a very serious car accident when she was about 60. My dad has narcissistic personality disorder and is incapable of spending anytime away from my mom, who for the most part placates him. This post makes me sooooo happy that my mom didn’t die (for many reasons) but also because if she did my dad surely would have remarried a horrible person and would have done whatever she wanted just to have companionship. At this point if my mom dies I think my dad will not remarry, but I could be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So to recap, we have a response that stepmoms are totally right to refuse their own husband's grandkids to visit because they cause messes?

The stepmom didn’t refuse the visit, did she? Check your reading comprehension.

Stepmom from hell kicked op at 16 years old out of the house. Right?
Or was that some other pp posting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So to recap, we have a response that stepmoms are totally right to refuse their own husband's grandkids to visit because they cause messes?

The stepmom didn’t refuse the visit, did she? Check your reading comprehension.

Stepmom from hell kicked op at 16 years old out of the house. Right?
Or was that some other pp posting?

+1

My mother and sister have both done this. They were very upfront and calculating about it. It’s disgusting, and I feel so sorry for their step kids.