Reply to When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?

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Reply to "When you don't like a person in your broader friend group, which is the best way to handle?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would never tell other people - that’s just mean.[/quote]

Why is it mean to say you don’t like someone? I’m not trolling, I really don’t get it.

Or maybe I get that it’s mean but I just think a little meanness is ok if it’s rooted in honesty. Not sure. I’m surprised how many people in this thread are saying they would just keep their feelings to themselves. [/quote]

Just because something is true doesn’t mean it needs to be public. Do you announce to the group if you go take a dump? Why not, if it’s true? Do you tell the server when you go out for girls night if you dislike her hair? Why not, if it’s true? Sometimes things don’t need to be shared because they’re better left private or they could hurt someone’s feelings.

What purpose do you hope to achieve by saying you dislike this person? Are you hoping someone else will agree and you won’t be alone in your dislike? Maybe start edging her out of the group? Do you just need to get it off your chest? You could probably share with someone who doesn’t know her and then it wouldn’t make your group feel awkward.

If you really don’t get why it’s not polite to say you dislike one person in your group to another person in that group, or to that person herself, maybe reflect on how well you understand social cues and see if there’s a pattern of you making what DCUM would consider missteps on a regular basis. Are you often outspoken and offending people for the sake of honesty? Do you feel like manners and polite social norms are fake and not worthy of your time or effort? [/quote]

I think you are missing the point that in this scenario, I have a reason to dislike this person. I don’t just randomly dislike someone because of the sound or their voice or the way they look. Personally, I’ve never disliked someone who wasn’t a jerk either to me or someone I care about. So saying “Yeah, I don’t like her” isn’t some random attack on an innocent person. It’s an expression of my experience. “Yeah, I don’t like her. She never pays her portion of a group tab” or “she mocked Jenny behind her back and Jenny is my best friend” or “she told people at work about my anxiety disorder without considering that it was private mental health issue.”

I don’t get the pearl clutching. Yes, if I dislike someone and have a good reason for it (which, since I’m a rational person, I must) then of course I’m going to tell people that I dislike them. Why would I keep that to myself? Good manners? What does that even mean in this situation? I disagree with a social norm that says if someone hurts me or someone else, I’m required to be quiet about it because that’s more polite.[/quote]

If you don't like her, you don't have to be around her! Da dee! Problem solved.

Remove YOURSELF from the group if you can't stand being around her.

Oh wants that? You still want to be around the group?

Well then suck it up, Buttercup. The tribe has spoken. They like her enough to keep inviting her around.

The tribe has spoken: she's in. Now you decide: are you in or out? [/quote]

Yes! This! "The tribe has spoken," and this woman is in the tribe, whether OP likes it or not. No one is forcing you to be in this group. But yeah. This group includes her. In or out? [/quote]

What on earth are you all talking about? That’s not how friendship works. I wouldn’t want to be part of a group where you can never level a valid criticism of another member without incurring the wrath of the rest of the group. What if people have real, important differences to be addressed? You just kick out the person who has the guts to speak up? This is cult-y.[/quote]

Ummmmm did I miss the part where OP tried to address the problems 1:1 or with the help of one other friend?

Nope, she didn’t do that. She just wants others to agree with dislike and turn the other woman out.

Bit the other women clearly like this woman enough to forgive or accept any flaws or missteps. My friends aren’t perfect. But if I have a deep problem with someone, I simply remove myself from the equation. I don’t expect a whole group to kick someone else out just on my account. [/quote]

OP here! Actually you are reading a lot of stuff into my totally hypothetical question. I would absolutely try to address an issue with someone 1:1 first. But I was trying to be inclusive of different scenarios in my options, and I think sometimes there isn't an issue to resolve -- sometimes people just don't like each other. It happens. But if the source of the conflict was an actual issue, I definitely think you've got to try and work it out. Like I said, I'm a person who appreciates honesty and directness, so that's always my preference.

And I don't think you can assume that all the other women in a group like the person in question. Sometimes that's true, sometimes not. Group dynamics are so variable. This conversation has actually reminded me of a group I was in during college where there was one woman who no one really seemed to like, but we all felt a little bad for. She had a rough personality because she'd had a rough life. She rubbed a lot of people the wrong way but there was a high level of empathy there because we knew her background. So that group dynamic was really different from friend groups I've formed as an adult, where people tend to know a lot less about each other's childhoods or family backgrounds, and I think people tend to make more severe judgments of one another. So I think the scenarios I've outlined would have play out really differently in those groups.

I also just want to reiterate (I've tried but no one seems to care!) that I am not suggesting anyone ever kick anyone out of a friend group. I have found it possible in the past to avoid a person I don't like without it fracturing the whole group. Maybe I just gravitate towards less cohesive or insular groups. But like someone in the thread mentioned that she and and woman she actively didn't like invited each other to one another's weddings. More power to them but I would never do that. But I also didn't invite every single member of every single friend group to my wedding -- that would have been way too many people, plus I'm from a huge family. So I think people just have different kinds of groups where excluding one or more people from an event would be seen as devastating -- in my friend groups, that's normal based on closeness, shared interests, having kids the same age, etc. There's no "kicking someone out". There are just people you make a point of hanging out with, and also conversely people you only ever see at parties someone else throws, and that's okay too.[/quote]

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