I overstepped. What now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will be the in-law from hell if you start saying you want to add more guests (even if offering to pay). Don’t ruin your child’s future life. Apologize to your friends for YOUR mistake and then learn to take a back seat.

No. You cannot add to the guest list. Just tell ALL couples you are not sure if they will be invited and you made a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are so loathe to tell these couples they may not end up being invited to the actual wedding, then start planning a party in honor of the newlyweds so you CAN control the guest list.

Honestly, most people would be relieved to know they don't have to go to a wedding. Parties are much better.

+1
At the very core, many more than most realize can leave or take attending a wedding. We just do not admit it out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate parent friends and neighbors at weddings. They leave first because they don’t care about the couple.

Not always true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are so loathe to tell these couples they may not end up being invited to the actual wedding, then start planning a party in honor of the newlyweds so you CAN control the guest list.

Honestly, most people would be relieved to know they don't have to go to a wedding. Parties are much better.

+1
At the very core, many more than most realize can leave or take attending a wedding. We just do not admit it out loud.

This. OP, you're probably way overestimating how much your friends actually care about this. Both your etiquette violation and the wedding itself.

[Anonymous]

This is a troll or a crazy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Can I offer to pay for a few extra couples?

NO. It's not your party. What part of this do you not understand?

I hear you. Thank you. I do understand. I just don't know how I'm going to uninvite lifelong friends. I know I made a mistake. I don't know how I choose the couples to uninvite. We're a circle and word will get out. I do know this is my fault.

I didn't read all 7 pages of this, but OP, you need to start reframing what you did in your own mind so that you can offer the "correct" apology to your lifelong friends. Since it is not YOUR wedding/party/reception, you did NOT invite them in the first place! So you are not UNinviting them.
What you did was make the mistake of issuing an invitation to someone else's event. BIG OOPS! But also, if you are one big circle of 7 friends without any clear distinction of which 2 you would "leave out" then this was always going to be an issue--even if you hadn't already blasted out the info to all of them. So, just try to be as graceful as you can.

You just tell each friend: "Well I'm so embarrassed, but in my excitement about the engagement, I got a bit carried away and told you all to save the date as though it were my own wedding and guest list. But obviously, as this is Larla and Larlo's wedding, the guest list will be up to the bride and groom. As always, I'm so grateful to have each of you in my life and thank you for sharing in our happiness!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm kind of laughing because my MIL tried this. I have no idea what she told people, but we decided the guest list and some of her friends weren't on it. Knowing her as I do now she probably blamed it on me or my parents.

Op she also tried the "but they supported him growing up!" along with how disappointed they would be, etc. She also offered to pay.

Apologize for speaking out of turn, and figure out how to back pedal. AND... learn from this. Figure out now that you don't get to run roughshod over any of their plans.

To be fair, this is probably how MIL's wedding was so she assumed she would absolutely get to invite her friends who have known your DH forever. (This was the way it used to be for that generation, FYI. They got married in early 20s, so brides parents paid for the wedding, and the guest list mainly consisted of bride and grooms parents' friends and maybe about two dozen of the bride and grooms own friends. This was customary, as it was a party given by the parents of the bride to celebrate the new couple and to shower them with gifts to start their married life. And usually the gifts a young couple needed were china, silver, dishes for the home, cookware, stemware, towels, sheets, etc.) that were too expensive for the bride and grooms young-20s friends to afford.

Things have changed. But MIL may not realize this isn't what happens anymore. But maybe OP doesn't realize that's how it used to be, either. Communication is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm kind of laughing because my MIL tried this. I have no idea what she told people, but we decided the guest list and some of her friends weren't on it. Knowing her as I do now she probably blamed it on me or my parents.

Op she also tried the "but they supported him growing up!" along with how disappointed they would be, etc. She also offered to pay.

Apologize for speaking out of turn, and figure out how to back pedal. AND... learn from this. Figure out now that you don't get to run roughshod over any of their plans.

To be fair, this is probably how MIL's wedding was so she assumed she would absolutely get to invite her friends who have known your DH forever. (This was the way it used to be for that generation, FYI. They got married in early 20s, so brides parents paid for the wedding, and the guest list mainly consisted of bride and grooms parents' friends and maybe about two dozen of the bride and grooms own friends. This was customary, as it was a party given by the parents of the bride to celebrate the new couple and to shower them with gifts to start their married life. And usually the gifts a young couple needed were china, silver, dishes for the home, cookware, stemware, towels, sheets, etc.) that were too expensive for the bride and grooms young-20s friends to afford.

Things have changed. But MIL may not realize this isn't what happens anymore. But maybe OP doesn't realize that's how it used to be, either. Communication is key.

I agree that’s how it used to be. Kind of funny because our friends gave lovely gifts and parents friends were super cheap- like $50 gift cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a mistake and want to correct it. Advice, please.

My son and his fiancée are getting married in May of 2022. They just got engaged. I told a few close couples to save the date and have details about venue, etc. I was excited.

Son and fiancée are now telling me that DH and o can only invite five couples. (All family are already on the guest list.) I told seven couples details. Bride's family is paying. Do I offer to pay for extra people? How do I make this better? I can't u invite anyone. I realize they have not finalized the guest list. I just got excited.

OP-- I'm not saying this to be mean, but why on earth would you tell people they are invited to your DS's wedding? it's not your wedding. I understand that you're excited, but that is so overstepping and likely to create a problem with your ILs and DIL. You have to tell the uninvited couples that the wedding is going to be small. I would recommend not saying anything to anyone yet until you have more details about the guest list- your DS and future DIL may change their minds again about size, venue, etc. with covid, they may make it even smaller or elope. Things may be more normal and they might expand the guest list. It's over a year away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm kind of laughing because my MIL tried this. I have no idea what she told people, but we decided the guest list and some of her friends weren't on it. Knowing her as I do now she probably blamed it on me or my parents.

Op she also tried the "but they supported him growing up!" along with how disappointed they would be, etc. She also offered to pay.

Apologize for speaking out of turn, and figure out how to back pedal. AND... learn from this. Figure out now that you don't get to run roughshod over any of their plans.

To be fair, this is probably how MIL's wedding was so she assumed she would absolutely get to invite her friends who have known your DH forever. (This was the way it used to be for that generation, FYI. They got married in early 20s, so brides parents paid for the wedding, and the guest list mainly consisted of bride and grooms parents' friends and maybe about two dozen of the bride and grooms own friends. This was customary, as it was a party given by the parents of the bride to celebrate the new couple and to shower them with gifts to start their married life. And usually the gifts a young couple needed were china, silver, dishes for the home, cookware, stemware, towels, sheets, etc.) that were too expensive for the bride and grooms young-20s friends to afford.

Things have changed. But MIL may not realize this isn't what happens anymore. But maybe OP doesn't realize that's how it used to be, either. Communication is key.

I agree that’s how it used to be. Kind of funny because our friends gave lovely gifts and parents friends were super cheap- like $50 gift cards.

Yes, but also a difference in "yester-year" vs today. The 20 and 30-somethings are making bank AND they live in a pinterest/reality tv world where they think wedding gifts are supposed to be $200+ whereas a "decent" wedding gift used to be $50-100. Do you ever notice that the older generation gets stuck on what the average amount of a birthday or wedding gift should be? If it was $50 when they got married, they still think it's $50 Today!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a mistake and want to correct it. Advice, please.

My son and his fiancée are getting married in May of 2022. They just got engaged. I told a few close couples to save the date and have details about venue, etc. I was excited.

Son and fiancée are now telling me that DH and o can only invite five couples. (All family are already on the guest list.) I told seven couples details. Bride's family is paying. Do I offer to pay for extra people? How do I make this better? I can't u invite anyone. I realize they have not finalized the guest list. I just got excited.

OP-- I'm not saying this to be mean, but why on earth would you tell people they are invited to your DS's wedding? it's not your wedding. I understand that you're excited, but that is so overstepping and likely to create a problem with your ILs and DIL. You have to tell the uninvited couples that the wedding is going to be small. I would recommend not saying anything to anyone yet until you have more details about the guest list- your DS and future DIL may change their minds again about size, venue, etc. with covid, they may make it even smaller or elope. Things may be more normal and they might expand the guest list. It's over a year away.

Not OP but I think this is classic Mother of the Groom thinking to assume that DS would want mom's closest friends who have watched him grow up be there to share with mom in this family day! For a MOTHER, it's just about the happiest day she gets aside from the day you were born, and it's fun to share it with your friends because they are also happy for you and for your kid! (It's also Mother of the Bride thinking when it comes to inviting your dearest friends who have known DD forever...but MOBs get away with it because it's their daughter! LOL) Some brides indulge it just to be nice, and some don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the in-law from hell if you start saying you want to add more guests (even if offering to pay). Don’t ruin your child’s future life. Apologize to your friends for YOUR mistake and then learn to take a back seat.

No. You cannot add to the guest list. Just tell ALL couples you are not sure if they will be invited and you made a mistake.

Oh GOOD GRIEF. For some reason people on DCUM think that brides and grooms are made of glass or something. Just have a conversation with your son. You don't have to say "I already invited people." Just say, "I was thinking about which 5 couples we could invite, and there are really 7 couples who we'd like to include. Would it be possible to have 4 more people?" I mean, FFS. Is it really such a huge, dramatic imposition to have a conversation with one's own child? If he says no, then take no for an answer and don't bring it up again. But maybe the answer will be yes, who knows. And then problem solved.

I really don't understand how people who are in a family cannot just have a simple conversation.

[Anonymous]

You tell your friends you overstepped and the kids are only having a limited number of guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't WANT your friends at THEIR wedding. Those are YOUR friends, not theirs. So no, don't offer to pay for your extra friends.

Just don't bring it up again to anyone and if any of the friends who WON'T be invited bring it up, just lie and tell them that after the bride & groom finalized their wedding budget they are having a very small, intimate wedding.

OP here. But again, they'll be able to see with their own eyes from the photos and from Facebook and from the invites couples that this is just not true! It's a close circle and they'll know from the new who are invited that it isn't small or family-only.

NP. Here’s an idea: you could stop being a narcissist and thinking you’re entitled to put photos of someone else’s event on your Facebook page. Grow up and get your own life.

Thinking you’re entitled to invite 14 of your friends to someone else’s event is almost unbelievable. I think you should uninvite the entire lot of them. They are not who the couple wants at their wedding. Then you don’t need to choose. The couple invites THEIR friends and the other parents might invite some which may be okay since they’re actually paying for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't WANT your friends at THEIR wedding. Those are YOUR friends, not theirs. So no, don't offer to pay for your extra friends.

Just don't bring it up again to anyone and if any of the friends who WON'T be invited bring it up, just lie and tell them that after the bride & groom finalized their wedding budget they are having a very small, intimate wedding.

OP here. But again, they'll be able to see with their own eyes from the photos and from Facebook and from the invites couples that this is just not true! It's a close circle and they'll know from the new who are invited that it isn't small or family-only.

NP. Here’s an idea: you could stop being a narcissist and thinking you’re entitled to put photos of someone else’s event on your Facebook page. Grow up and get your own life.

Thinking you’re entitled to invite 14 of your friends to someone else’s event is almost unbelievable. I think you should uninvite the entire lot of them. They are not who the couple wants at their wedding. Then you don’t need to choose. The couple invites THEIR friends and the other parents might invite some which may be okay since they’re actually paying for it.

Hold up, is this the social media rule now? Nobody should post any pics of attending a birthday party, or a promotion celebration, or a retirement celebration? How about their kids high school or college graduation? Or a friends' large Memorial Day barbeque?

This seems so very wrong, and just piling on the OP. She made a mistake. She admitted it. But setting aside the fact that she "already invited" She IS in a bind. She has a fairly distinct circle of seven couples and she has to decide which 5 to invite. Of course the couple getting married has the absolute right to decide how many people to have at their wedding. It doesn't mean she isn't in a tough spot and needs to figure out how to navigate through it...