I overstepped. What now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Can I offer to pay for a few extra couples?

This is THEIR wedding, not yours.

What's the harm in asking? This is her son, after all. After you apologize, you ask if you can invite 2 additional couples, on your expense. Make clear that you understand if the answer is not and you will be fine with it. Then be fine with it.

There is no harm in asking. There is harm in doing without asking first.

I think the problem with asking is that it looks really lacking in self awareness, because at the dollars and cents moment what she’s saying is “Son, your in laws are paying for a $50,000 party to celebrate your marriage. If I chip in $500 can I dictate the guest list?” That’s a really unattractive position to start off with, both in how your daughter in law views your attitude about what you’re entitled to, and how your sons future in laws are going to view his family if he does try to fight this corner. You could offer to pay half and then realistically expect more guest list access but just chipping in for your “extra people” while someone else is buying dinner for you and your husband and your other children is really off.

You're sounding a bit over the top. It is ASKING, not dictating. AND offering to pay. It's only as you put it if that is how you would perceive it. I would not. I would also have no problem saying no, if I wanted to do so.

It's a wedding. Weddings require some give-and-take unless anyone involved is a nightmare. People have different priorities, requests, traditions, etc. Yes, the couple or the paying party can be authoritarian in the entire affair. But, MOST people are not like this and are willing to give a little. OP would like two couples -TWO, not twenty, not half the attendees- and has offered to pay for them. That is a reasonable concession, imo. But, if the couple says no, fine. She should live with that.

But, damn, some of you are rigid af. You must be a delight at family affairs if asking to 2 additional couple invites gets you so rankled.

Well, at the moment in my home state weddings can’t exceed 50 people if they’re held indoors. So 4 people is like 10% of the guest list. Don’t you think the bride and groom, or the parents of the bride, might also have liked 4 additional people? OP says her whole family is invited so this “just asking” is about having 14 rather than ten of her closest friends as well. To me, that’s the over the top request.

OH FFS. Ok, in the era of COVID, maybe that is correct. That was not the reason given here, however.

For you to say, in normal times, that asking to add 2 couples, at the expense of the asking party, is "over the top" says more about you than the person asking. Jesus. Some of you are so offensively sensitive and delicate that is hard to take you seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't WANT your friends at THEIR wedding. Those are YOUR friends, not theirs. So no, don't offer to pay for your extra friends.

Just don't bring it up again to anyone and if any of the friends who WON'T be invited bring it up, just lie and tell them that after the bride & groom finalized their wedding budget they are having a very small, intimate wedding.

OP here. But again, they'll be able to see with their own eyes from the photos and from Facebook and from the invites couples that this is just not true! It's a close circle and they'll know from the new who are invited that it isn't small or family-only.

NP. Here’s an idea: you could stop being a narcissist and thinking you’re entitled to put photos of someone else’s event on your Facebook page. Grow up and get your own life.

Thinking you’re entitled to invite 14 of your friends to someone else’s event is almost unbelievable. I think you should uninvite the entire lot of them. They are not who the couple wants at their wedding. Then you don’t need to choose. The couple invites THEIR friends and the other parents might invite some which may be okay since they’re actually paying for it.

Hold up, is this the social media rule now? Nobody should post any pics of attending a birthday party, or a promotion celebration, or a retirement celebration? How about their kids high school or college graduation? Or a friends' large Memorial Day barbeque?

This seems so very wrong, and just piling on the OP. She made a mistake. She admitted it. But setting aside the fact that she "already invited" She IS in a bind. She has a fairly distinct circle of seven couples and she has to decide which 5 to invite. Of course the couple getting married has the absolute right to decide how many people to have at their wedding. It doesn't mean she isn't in a tough spot and needs to figure out how to navigate through it...

A wedding is different, especially when there's a limited guest list.

But yes, in general it's rude to put pictures of someone's private function on social media without checking with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the in-law from hell if you start saying you want to add more guests (even if offering to pay). Don’t ruin your child’s future life. Apologize to your friends for YOUR mistake and then learn to take a back seat.

No. You cannot add to the guest list. Just tell ALL couples you are not sure if they will be invited and you made a mistake.

Oh GOOD GRIEF. For some reason people on DCUM think that brides and grooms are made of glass or something. Just have a conversation with your son. You don't have to say "I already invited people." Just say, "I was thinking about which 5 couples we could invite, and there are really 7 couples who we'd like to include. Would it be possible to have 4 more people?" I mean, FFS. Is it really such a huge, dramatic imposition to have a conversation with one's own child? If he says no, then take no for an answer and don't bring it up again. But maybe the answer will be yes, who knows. And then problem solved.

I really don't understand how people who are in a family cannot just have a simple conversation.

If they wanted 14 of your friends there then they would have said that you should invite 14, not setting a limit on 10. Do you think the son doesn't know that his mother has 14 people she'd want there? If he doesn't know that then they aren't in his life and they shouldn't be there. And if he does know that then he didn't invite them for a reason, and the limit is 10.

Asking is what you do when you don't know the answer. Like they say to invite a few couples and you aren't sure how many a few is. But when they give a specific number, asking is what you do when you're pressuring them to change their own wedding to be centered around you and what you want, and that's really bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the in-law from hell if you start saying you want to add more guests (even if offering to pay). Don’t ruin your child’s future life. Apologize to your friends for YOUR mistake and then learn to take a back seat.

No. You cannot add to the guest list. Just tell ALL couples you are not sure if they will be invited and you made a mistake.

Oh GOOD GRIEF. For some reason people on DCUM think that brides and grooms are made of glass or something. Just have a conversation with your son. You don't have to say "I already invited people." Just say, "I was thinking about which 5 couples we could invite, and there are really 7 couples who we'd like to include. Would it be possible to have 4 more people?" I mean, FFS. Is it really such a huge, dramatic imposition to have a conversation with one's own child? If he says no, then take no for an answer and don't bring it up again. But maybe the answer will be yes, who knows. And then problem solved.

I really don't understand how people who are in a family cannot just have a simple conversation.

If they wanted 14 of your friends there then they would have said that you should invite 14, not setting a limit on 10. Do you think the son doesn't know that his mother has 14 people she'd want there? If he doesn't know that then they aren't in his life and they shouldn't be there. And if he does know that then he didn't invite them for a reason, and the limit is 10.

Asking is what you do when you don't know the answer. Like they say to invite a few couples and you aren't sure how many a few is. But when they give a specific number, asking is what you do when you're pressuring them to change their own wedding to be centered around you and what you want, and that's really bad.

It is entirely possible that the groom did not know that the bride’s family had put a cap of 10 friends beyond family. I wouldn’t assume that the son was aware in advance of that specific number.

[Anonymous]

Really the only thing to do is not invite any family friends. OP you say you have 7 close couple friends and you can't decide who to cut. But have you paused to consider how many friends they have? Friends that mean a lot more to them than friends of the parents? They have to juggle the size of the venue vs. their desired guest list. Keep that in mind when you're wringing your hands about someone else's party.

[Anonymous]

A possibility for OP: Can you kindly, with no pressure, ask son if 10 is a hard number. You understand if it is, but we are just trying to figure out who not to include.

What will cause WWIII in this family is if OP cuts some of her friends, then DIL parents have extra.

OP, I would just verify. If they say, yes, only 10, then that puts everyone on notice that there can't be extras.

[Anonymous]

Something also that is interesting is that sons and their parents can't communicate. Whereas mother of the bride likely has no trouble discussing things with her DD. I see this over and over and over again. Why is everyone raising sons that can't communicate? My inlaws are fantastic communicating with their daughters, but when it comes to their son, they don't say anything. I'm not easily offended or a bad DIL either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something also that is interesting is that sons and their parents can't communicate. Whereas mother of the bride likely has no trouble discussing things with her DD. I see this over and over and over again. Why is everyone raising sons that can't communicate? My inlaws are fantastic communicating with their daughters, but when it comes to their son, they don't say anything. I'm not easily offended or a bad DIL either.

+1

I would definitely worry that DIL's parents might only have 10 people to invite, so that's the number, with no thought to son's parents. And so often son's are clueless and don't think to head off a problem before it occurs. I would bet that the son has given little to no thought to how many friends his parents have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A possibility for OP: Can you kindly, with no pressure, ask son if 10 is a hard number. You understand if it is, but we are just trying to figure out who not to include.

What will cause WWIII in this family is if OP cuts some of her friends, then DIL parents have extra.

OP, I would just verify. If they say, yes, only 10, then that puts everyone on notice that there can't be extras.

This doesn’t make sense to me. She’s not “cutting” anyone they weren’t invited in the first place, and the only reason they might think they are is that OP said something to them, so why would that suddenly be the fault of DILs parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A possibility for OP: Can you kindly, with no pressure, ask son if 10 is a hard number. You understand if it is, but we are just trying to figure out who not to include.

What will cause WWIII in this family is if OP cuts some of her friends, then DIL parents have extra.

OP, I would just verify. If they say, yes, only 10, then that puts everyone on notice that there can't be extras.

This doesn’t make sense to me. She’s not “cutting” anyone they weren’t invited in the first place, and the only reason they might think they are is that OP said something to them, so why would that suddenly be the fault of DILs parents?

The point being that as stated so well by another PP, DD is probably having good communication with her own parents about who her parents would like to invite, deciding on a number that works, with no input from the son regarding his own parents. It is all pure speculation. And possibly not correct at all. I'm only talking about the possibility of what might have occurred. The son should communicate with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really the only thing to do is not invite any family friends. OP you say you have 7 close couple friends and you can't decide who to cut. But have you paused to consider how many friends they have? Friends that mean a lot more to them than friends of the parents? They have to juggle the size of the venue vs. their desired guest list. Keep that in mind when you're wringing your hands about someone else's party.

Maybe comment that you will decline to invite any of the friends so as to not hurt any feelings. And then mention that they tend to be generous gift givers, but you really don’t want to risk hurting two couples by inviting the other five.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the bride is suddenly more interested in inviting your family friends when she starts to mull the possibility of “generous gifts.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Can I offer to pay for a few extra couples?

This is THEIR wedding, not yours.

What's the harm in asking? This is her son, after all. After you apologize, you ask if you can invite 2 additional couples, on your expense. Make clear that you understand if the answer is not and you will be fine with it. Then be fine with it.

There is no harm in asking. There is harm in doing without asking first.

This is insulting. You’re trying to dictate the size of the wedding in the most offensive way possible. If you’re going to offer money, you need to offer to cover (at least!) half of the wedding — not just the extra guests beyond the number you’ve been allotted.

If you’re so invested in being in charge of the guest list, then offer to pay for the wedding. The cost of paying for two meals is negligible when you consider the cost of the entire ceremony and reception. Don’t insult your new DIL and inlaws by pretending otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really the only thing to do is not invite any family friends. OP you say you have 7 close couple friends and you can't decide who to cut. But have you paused to consider how many friends they have? Friends that mean a lot more to them than friends of the parents? They have to juggle the size of the venue vs. their desired guest list. Keep that in mind when you're wringing your hands about someone else's party.

Maybe comment that you will decline to invite any of the friends so as to not hurt any feelings. And then mention that they tend to be generous gift givers, but you really don’t want to risk hurting two couples by inviting the other five.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the bride is suddenly more interested in inviting your family friends when she starts to mull the possibility of “generous gifts.”

I don’t know anyone who would want to invite more strangers to their wedding in the interest of getting more gifts. Seriously. You and OP are stuck in small town 20th century mindset. Nobody wants more stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the in-law from hell if you start saying you want to add more guests (even if offering to pay). Don’t ruin your child’s future life. Apologize to your friends for YOUR mistake and then learn to take a back seat.

No. You cannot add to the guest list. Just tell ALL couples you are not sure if they will be invited and you made a mistake.

Oh GOOD GRIEF. For some reason people on DCUM think that brides and grooms are made of glass or something. Just have a conversation with your son. You don't have to say "I already invited people." Just say, "I was thinking about which 5 couples we could invite, and there are really 7 couples who we'd like to include. Would it be possible to have 4 more people?" I mean, FFS. Is it really such a huge, dramatic imposition to have a conversation with one's own child? If he says no, then take no for an answer and don't bring it up again. But maybe the answer will be yes, who knows. And then problem solved.

I really don't understand how people who are in a family cannot just have a simple conversation.

If they wanted 14 of your friends there then they would have said that you should invite 14, not setting a limit on 10. Do you think the son doesn't know that his mother has 14 people she'd want there? If he doesn't know that then they aren't in his life and they shouldn't be there. And if he does know that then he didn't invite them for a reason, and the limit is 10.

Asking is what you do when you don't know the answer. Like they say to invite a few couples and you aren't sure how many a few is. But when they give a specific number, asking is what you do when you're pressuring them to change their own wedding to be centered around you and what you want, and that's really bad.

Come on! We all know people like OP. If her son had set a limit of 7 couples, she would have had 10 incredibly close friends who she felt compelled to invite. She’s trying to live by the old adage that it’s better to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission.

How her son responds is going to be telling for future relations.

OP is missing the forest for the trees. She’s focused on getting her way and railroading her son abd DIL over the wedding guest list. Her DIL will learn to be more guarded and protective of her boundaries around her new MIL. Anytime there is any chance of future oversteps — OP will not get the benefit of the doubt. The more times you try to be sneaky and pushy and override their choices, the fewer invitations you will receive.

[Anonymous]

OP- I didn’t read all the posts but this happened to me. My parents paid for the wedding. We had a number that DH and I agreed to with my parents. We can up with our guest list with family first. I have a very large extended family. DH wanted to invite all his friends. His parents are not close with their family (though they were all invited) but are very tight with their friends. They offered to pay for their extra friends. Thankfully the venue could accommodate the number. My parents declined their offer to pay for the additional couples but DH and I took on some additional costs (flowers/ music) to even things out.

DH was likely the most irritated with his parents. My parents were fine for the most part. After a few years, I understood were my ILs were coming from. They really are closer than family.

I agree with one of the threads from earlier. Just ask DS and fiancée. Offer to pay and see how it goes. People just can’t handle conflict and get bent out of shape so easily.