I overstepped. What now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I didn’t read all the posts but this happened to me. My parents paid for the wedding. We had a number that DH and I agreed to with my parents. We can up with our guest list with family first. I have a very large extended family. DH wanted to invite all his friends. His parents are not close with their family (though they were all invited) but are very tight with their friends. They offered to pay for their extra friends. Thankfully the venue could accommodate the number. My parents declined their offer to pay for the additional couples but DH and I took on some additional costs (flowers/ music) to even things out.

DH was likely the most irritated with his parents. My parents were fine for the most part. After a few years, I understood were my ILs were coming from. They really are closer than family.

I agree with one of the threads from earlier. Just ask DS and fiancée. Offer to pay and see how it goes. People just can’t handle conflict and get bent out of shape so easily.

I think if you’re going to offer to pay it has to be half the wedding. Anything less is rude AF

[Anonymous]

Best advice -- give this a rest for now. It's more than a year away!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. Can I offer to pay for a few extra couples?

NO. It's not your party. What part of this do you not understand?

I hear you. Thank you. I do understand. I just don't know how I'm going to uninvite lifelong friends. I know I made a mistake. I don't know how I choose the couples to uninvite. We're a circle and word will get out. I do know this is my fault.

You have more than TEN friends that are lifelong friends beyond your family? Your son said you and invite FIVE couples! That is a LOT...you said you invited “a few”, but it had to be more than 5! That’s outrageous, OP. Are these couples actually close up your son and his fiancée? You know the party is about THeM, not you showing off.

If you have more than 5 couples and they are ALL in the same close knit group (how is a crowd that big even, by definition, close knit?) them you invite your ONE best friend, absolute #1 BFF and her spouse and no one else. Only family. That’s the only way you won’t hurt people say feelings, as ridiculous as it sounds.

Unless I actually have a relationship with the grown children of my close friends, I can’t imagine being invited to their weddings. Sane people will not mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the in-law from hell if you start saying you want to add more guests (even if offering to pay). Don’t ruin your child’s future life. Apologize to your friends for YOUR mistake and then learn to take a back seat.

No. You cannot add to the guest list. Just tell ALL couples you are not sure if they will be invited and you made a mistake.

Oh GOOD GRIEF. For some reason people on DCUM think that brides and grooms are made of glass or something. Just have a conversation with your son. You don't have to say "I already invited people." Just say, "I was thinking about which 5 couples we could invite, and there are really 7 couples who we'd like to include. Would it be possible to have 4 more people?" I mean, FFS. Is it really such a huge, dramatic imposition to have a conversation with one's own child? If he says no, then take no for an answer and don't bring it up again. But maybe the answer will be yes, who knows. And then problem solved.

I really don't understand how people who are in a family cannot just have a simple conversation.

If they wanted 14 of your friends there then they would have said that you should invite 14, not setting a limit on 10. Do you think the son doesn't know that his mother has 14 people she'd want there? If he doesn't know that then they aren't in his life and they shouldn't be there. And if he does know that then he didn't invite them for a reason, and the limit is 10.

Asking is what you do when you don't know the answer. Like they say to invite a few couples and you aren't sure how many a few is. But when they give a specific number, asking is what you do when you're pressuring them to change their own wedding to be centered around you and what you want, and that's really bad.

Come on! We all know people like OP. If her son had set a limit of 7 couples, she would have had 10 incredibly close friends who she felt compelled to invite. She’s trying to live by the old adage that it’s better to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission.

How her son responds is going to be telling for future relations.

OP is missing the forest for the trees. She’s focused on getting her way and railroading her son abd DIL over the wedding guest list. Her DIL will learn to be more guarded and protective of her boundaries around her new MIL. Anytime there is any chance of future oversteps — OP will not get the benefit of the doubt. The more times you try to be sneaky and pushy and override their choices, the fewer invitations you will receive.

yep 100%. And then OP will be back on here posting about how her DIL never lets her see her grandchildren, won't allow sleepovers, etc. You're making your bed, OP. Quit saying you know did something wrong and in the same breath trying to figure out a way to get precisely what you want,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if my in laws paid I didn’t want their friends at my wedding. It was family only and our best friends who were in bridal party.

I would tell your friends that the guest list is finalized and it looks like it will likely be family only.

But they will see it won't be with pictures and everything! It's not family only. If it were family only, it wouldn't be this difficult. I'm trying to fix this, but I cannot lie and say family only when clearly it won't be.

So YOU invite family only. If you have 7 truly equally close couples, you cannot invite them all. So just you go, with your family. You did this. (I’m still skeptical that you really have 7 couples you are equally close with, but if it’s really true, then none of them come.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't WANT your friends at THEIR wedding. Those are YOUR friends, not theirs. So no, don't offer to pay for your extra friends.

Just don't bring it up again to anyone and if any of the friends who WON'T be invited bring it up, just lie and tell them that after the bride & groom finalized their wedding budget they are having a very small, intimate wedding.

OP here. But again, they'll be able to see with their own eyes from the photos and from Facebook and from the invites couples that this is just not true! It's a close circle and they'll know from the new who are invited that it isn't small or family-only.

You are very dense OP. YOU don’t get to invite friends if you really need 7 couples there and they will all be offended if some go and others don’t. So, NO friends. It doesn’t matter if they see pics of people who are friends with your son and his fiancée. It’s their party! No adult is going to be offended that the bride and groom had their friends at a wedding.

Also, maybe don’t put 400 photos in Facebook?!?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't WANT your friends at THEIR wedding. Those are YOUR friends, not theirs. So no, don't offer to pay for your extra friends.

Just don't bring it up again to anyone and if any of the friends who WON'T be invited bring it up, just lie and tell them that after the bride & groom finalized their wedding budget they are having a very small, intimate wedding.

DP. Okay, stop being hyperbolic and ridiculous. Some of us are not threatened by our parents' friends. My husband and I happily invited all of my parents' friends whom my parents suggested we invite. We had a huge party with people ranging from 2 months to 103. It was a blast.

If OP's son and his fiancee can only afford a small reception then that is a different story but don't act like the rest of us are so insecure that we didn't want our parents' friends at our weddings. Because we did.

Well, la dee da for you. But that's not how everybody thinks. One of our kids, for example, told us that they'd prefer not to be introduced to anyone at their wedding. They wanted to know everybody. It was their day, and we respected that. And guess what? Nobody was upset -- or even cared.

I think this is absolutely reasonable. If the couple doesn’t actually KNOW a person, why would they be at their wedding?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone accepts a wedding invitation. There’s a good chance that if you invite all seven, at least two of them won’t be able to attend. That would completely solve your problem.

Also, will you be hosting a rehearsal dinner? You could invite whomever you want to that. Yes, it’s usually just the wedding party, but today people invite lots of people to that event.

The bride’s family will host the wedding reception and can control that guest list, but if you are hosting the rehearsal dinner, you can control that guest list.

Or, just have a big party at your home or venue of your choice to celebrate the love of your son and his fiancée.

Do not invite people to the rehearsal dinner or engagement party if they are not invited to the wedding! That’s just rude and a gift grab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something also that is interesting is that sons and their parents can't communicate. Whereas mother of the bride likely has no trouble discussing things with her DD. I see this over and over and over again. Why is everyone raising sons that can't communicate? My inlaws are fantastic communicating with their daughters, but when it comes to their son, they don't say anything. I'm not easily offended or a bad DIL either.

+1

I would definitely worry that DIL's parents might only have 10 people to invite, so that's the number, with no thought to son's parents. And so often son's are clueless and don't think to head off a problem before it occurs. I would bet that the son has given little to no thought to how many friends his parents have.

Hang on. The *son* is clueless because he told his mom a number he has decided with his fiancée, but before he has time to do that, she had invited fourteen people to his wedding? This isn’t the sons fault. This isn’t his in-laws fault. This isn’t a lack of communication. This is someone not liking what they’re hearing and trying to make it something different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I didn’t read all the posts but this happened to me. My parents paid for the wedding. We had a number that DH and I agreed to with my parents. We can up with our guest list with family first. I have a very large extended family. DH wanted to invite all his friends. His parents are not close with their family (though they were all invited) but are very tight with their friends. They offered to pay for their extra friends. Thankfully the venue could accommodate the number. My parents declined their offer to pay for the additional couples but DH and I took on some additional costs (flowers/ music) to even things out.

DH was likely the most irritated with his parents. My parents were fine for the most part. After a few years, I understood were my ILs were coming from. They really are closer than family.

I agree with one of the threads from earlier. Just ask DS and fiancée. Offer to pay and see how it goes. People just can’t handle conflict and get bent out of shape so easily.

I think if you’re going to offer to pay it has to be half the wedding. Anything less is rude AF

So here it is. You want four extra people? Then pay for half the wedding, not just the four extra people!

This is what the future DIL wanted all along- to get the groom’s parents to pay for half the wedding.

[Anonymous]

What am I missing? Why can't you tell your friends the bride and groom are not having a big wedding and therefore friends of the parents and in-laws won't be invited. Would your friends truly not get that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You let it fall by the wayside. Chances are the people you blubber to will forget about or not over- think especially since the wedding is a year+ away.
Don't bring it up in conversation again. If it does come up, down play it and emphasize the bride is keeping numbers super low. then pivot subject.

Love this! Two of the couples may back out anyway for reasons out of their control. I wouldn't un-invite anyone, but it is hardly reasonable to expect all seven to show up on the day of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something also that is interesting is that sons and their parents can't communicate. Whereas mother of the bride likely has no trouble discussing things with her DD. I see this over and over and over again. Why is everyone raising sons that can't communicate? My inlaws are fantastic communicating with their daughters, but when it comes to their son, they don't say anything. I'm not easily offended or a bad DIL either.

Really though? You don't know the WHY of this?

Sorry, this may be sexist but most engaged guys think with their male parts. And the last thing they want to do is get their soon-to-be wife upset. And smart mothers of sons KNOW this. So sure, she could ask her son. And if he's a mama's boy, he'll try to bend over backward to please his mom and will say to finacee "hey, we need to add two more couples for my mom, okay?" and if bride is fine with it then it's cool. But if she isn't then she will manipulate groom into thinking this is the meanest most thoughtless thing MIL could have ever done...and he'll be backed into a corner and forced to 'side" with his soon to be bride. This is just not going to end well for MIL.
Daughters and moms have an entirely different relationship. They just do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What am I missing? Why can't you tell your friends the bride and groom are not having a big wedding and therefore friends of the parents and in-laws won't be invited. Would your friends truly not get that?

OP doesn't care about what her friends would get. She sounds about 12 years old and wants to be center of attention for a day.

Who the heck gets invited to a wedding and wants to bring along 15 other people that the woman getting married has never even met before?

Totally clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I didn’t read all the posts but this happened to me. My parents paid for the wedding. We had a number that DH and I agreed to with my parents. We can up with our guest list with family first. I have a very large extended family. DH wanted to invite all his friends. His parents are not close with their family (though they were all invited) but are very tight with their friends. They offered to pay for their extra friends. Thankfully the venue could accommodate the number. My parents declined their offer to pay for the additional couples but DH and I took on some additional costs (flowers/ music) to even things out.

DH was likely the most irritated with his parents. My parents were fine for the most part. After a few years, I understood were my ILs were coming from. They really are closer than family.

I agree with one of the threads from earlier. Just ask DS and fiancée. Offer to pay and see how it goes. People just can’t handle conflict and get bent out of shape so easily.

I think if you’re going to offer to pay it has to be half the wedding. Anything less is rude AF

So here it is. You want four extra people? Then pay for half the wedding, not just the four extra people!

This is what the future DIL wanted all along- to get the groom’s parents to pay for half the wedding.

If I'm having a party and I reluctantly invite someone (let's face it, that's probably true in OP's case) and they want to bring along close to 20 of their friends then yeah, I'd probably think they should pay for half the event too. You really think that's so unreasonable?

20 guests *is* a party for goodness sake.

They parents of the bride have obviously dedicated a table to the groom's parents and their friends. That's obviously 12 places. It's beyond rude to demand another table at a wedding just for your own buddies.