10 yo doesn't eat when at dad's - what should I do, if anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

No, mom should tell kid to eat at Dad's or no meal at home. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no video games when he gets back as it is - I know he had tons of screen time and it’s too late at night anyway.
-OP

You’re micromanaging. Kid isn’t a picky eater yet you focus on the restaurant has to be dad’s pick. You focus on dad eating your packed food, too much video games, failing to take him on walks the kid doesn’t want to do, etc.

I know, I know...you’ll write back that I’m wrong. But...I’m not.

She is doing nothing of the sort! You are adding your own spin to tear a mom down. Why? Is the only way you feel good about yourself to propagate patriarchy and think it is fine that dad doesn't provide food for his child?
How come dad gets out guilt-free?

I bet you if I posted that my kid eats at noon and then will not eat till 8 pm, and he is ten, I would be ripped apart from giving him a choice to refuse, not providing food, it is my duty to feed the kid, who says "would you like something to eat to a 10-year-old!!!" yes that would be there too. Hypocrite women od dcum. Best to tear OP down! if she is a woman, yay, more reason to do so! If she is a mom!!! OMG, jackpot, tear her to shreds!

Dad has kid one day a week or every few weeks. He has made offers to feed the kid and kid says no. Dad probably doesn't force it as Mom will scream at him if he does. Dad needs to grow a pair and stand up to Mom and kid. He needs to set a dinner time, feed the kid and Mom needs to support Dad and say you eat at Dad's or no meal when you get home. Really its not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the many times my sister was dragged back to court over custody, she actually got it added to the order that her kids had to be fed dinner during their mid week visitation (retuned at 9 and were often late) because the judge agreed it was bad for her kids to not eat until so late on a school night.

Dad is trying to feed kid. Child is busy playing video games. Dad needs to shut off the video games and no more till kid eats. This is normal behavior for a tween. Mom needs to support Dad and say no dinner if you refuse dinner at Dad's.

[Anonymous]

OP, call Dad. Tell him child gets difficult after 2-3 hours of video games. (which at that age is normal). Ask him to do 2-3 hours, take a break for a meal and another activity and then back to video games. No video games until child at a minimum has eaten. You need to talk to him, not us. You also need to support Dad and reinforce that if child doesn't eat at Dad's then no meal at home. And, if he doesn't behave with Dad there are consequences at your home. The only way this will work is if you both work together. If you don't have a history of working together, you need to extend yourself and find a way for your son's sake. This is only going to get worse without firm limits when he gets older if you and Dad don't manage this now. Dad needs to feel like he can be a Dad and not this child's friend. And, you need to allow him to do it and not sabotage him, if he's willing and able.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, call Dad. Tell him child gets difficult after 2-3 hours of video games. (which at that age is normal). Ask him to do 2-3 hours, take a break for a meal and another activity and then back to video games. No video games until child at a minimum has eaten. You need to talk to him, not us. You also need to support Dad and reinforce that if child doesn't eat at Dad's then no meal at home. And, if he doesn't behave with Dad there are consequences at your home. The only way this will work is if you both work together. If you don't have a history of working together, you need to extend yourself and find a way for your son's sake. This is only going to get worse without firm limits when he gets older if you and Dad don't manage this now. Dad needs to feel like he can be a Dad and not this child's friend. And, you need to allow him to do it and not sabotage him, if he's willing and able.

Mom never said this. More controlling behavior is not going to fix anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, call Dad. Tell him child gets difficult after 2-3 hours of video games. (which at that age is normal). Ask him to do 2-3 hours, take a break for a meal and another activity and then back to video games. No video games until child at a minimum has eaten. You need to talk to him, not us. You also need to support Dad and reinforce that if child doesn't eat at Dad's then no meal at home. And, if he doesn't behave with Dad there are consequences at your home. The only way this will work is if you both work together. If you don't have a history of working together, you need to extend yourself and find a way for your son's sake. This is only going to get worse without firm limits when he gets older if you and Dad don't manage this now. Dad needs to feel like he can be a Dad and not this child's friend. And, you need to allow him to do it and not sabotage him, if he's willing and able.

Mom never said this. More controlling behavior is not going to fix anything.

Mom implied it as she said that the child didn't want to stop video games. It is very common at that age so yes, the child is being difficult. Dad is caving in to child's behavior and Mom supports the behavior by fixing the situation (food) afterward.

So, she tells Dad to feed the kid (his choice how at dinner time) and both parents say eat now or there is no food later. Really, its simple. We do that with our similar age child. The issue is both parents aren't parenting together, same rules, same expectations and Dad isn't really a dad but a friend or uncle kid occasionally visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the many times my sister was dragged back to court over custody, she actually got it added to the order that her kids had to be fed dinner during their mid week visitation (retuned at 9 and were often late) because the judge agreed it was bad for her kids to not eat until so late on a school night.

Dad is trying to feed kid. Child is busy playing video games. Dad needs to shut off the video games and no more till kid eats. This is normal behavior for a tween. Mom needs to support Dad and say no dinner if you refuse dinner at Dad's.

WTF?! Child doesn't eat at his dad's house, and somehow it's the fault of the mom who isn't even there?

Wow!

[Anonymous]

So stop being responsible for dinners. He eats at Dad's or he figures out what to eat on his own when he gets home or he goes hungry. He will very likely start eating at Dad's once he realizes you aren't going to make a special dinner for him once he's back at your house.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think some PPs are thinking too much into the situation.
I have already thought of a few solutions. I will send fruit/veggie snacks, take a walk around the neighborhood with DS to show him the nearby food options, and have something for him at home (he doesn't like sandwiches but I will think of stuff he himself can quickly fix if he wants).
The topic really helped me understand stuff and work out some solutions. Dad is not reliable, kid is not reliable (well he is 10 so that's understandable), so asking them to do this or that doesn't work in this case. I will make it easier for kid to not be hungry, the rest is his choice. 8 hrs of no food aren't gonna kill him, plus he will have snacks.

[Anonymous]

I agree with make it clear he eats at dads or no dinner but make sure your ex is getting dinner. My guess is the ex is offering but in a way that puts the burden on your kid. Ask him nicely to just serve dinner and see if your child will eat. If not eating is still an issue, I woukd be concerned as to why. Hopefully it is just because they are having fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, call Dad. Tell him child gets difficult after 2-3 hours of video games. (which at that age is normal). Ask him to do 2-3 hours, take a break for a meal and another activity and then back to video games. No video games until child at a minimum has eaten. You need to talk to him, not us. You also need to support Dad and reinforce that if child doesn't eat at Dad's then no meal at home. And, if he doesn't behave with Dad there are consequences at your home. The only way this will work is if you both work together. If you don't have a history of working together, you need to extend yourself and find a way for your son's sake. This is only going to get worse without firm limits when he gets older if you and Dad don't manage this now. Dad needs to feel like he can be a Dad and not this child's friend. And, you need to allow him to do it and not sabotage him, if he's willing and able.

Mom never said this. More controlling behavior is not going to fix anything.

Mom implied it as she said that the child didn't want to stop video games. It is very common at that age so yes, the child is being difficult. Dad is caving in to child's behavior and Mom supports the behavior by fixing the situation (food) afterward.

So, she tells Dad to feed the kid (his choice how at dinner time) and both parents say eat now or there is no food later. Really, its simple. We do that with our similar age child. The issue is both parents aren't parenting together, same rules, same expectations and Dad isn't really a dad but a friend or uncle kid occasionally visits.

She actually never said he doesn’t eat because he is playing video games the whole time. This was a guess. There were other guesses - kid is shy, kid is uncomfortable around dad, dad suggests his restaurant picks versus kid’s, etc. regardless, none of those suggested reasons why, confirm kid gets “difficult” after 2-3 hours of video games. That’s a lie.

You’re a two parent household and coparent seemingly well. This is not a two parent household and they do not coparent well. That doesn’t give her the right to control his time with the kid. Of course, it’s preferred he eats a healthy meal, around a meal time and isn’t playing gobs of video games, but none of those things are her battle to fight, she can’t control him or how he spends his time...so she needs to fix her attitude towards the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think some PPs are thinking too much into the situation.
I have already thought of a few solutions. I will send fruit/veggie snacks, take a walk around the neighborhood with DS to show him the nearby food options, and have something for him at home (he doesn't like sandwiches but I will think of stuff he himself can quickly fix if he wants).
The topic really helped me understand stuff and work out some solutions. Dad is not reliable, kid is not reliable (well he is 10 so that's understandable), so asking them to do this or that doesn't work in this case. I will make it easier for kid to not be hungry, the rest is his choice. 8 hrs of no food aren't gonna kill him, plus he will have snacks.

I’m glad. But...your second sentence applied to you. I really hope you can see this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

No, mom should tell kid to eat at Dad's or no meal at home. Simple.

No, this is using child as a weapon and playing games with ex. Child gets to pick when he eats. This is so beyond stupid and a non-issue that bitter divorced parents like to fight over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

No, mom should tell kid to eat at Dad's or no meal at home. Simple.

No, this is using child as a weapon and playing games with ex. Child gets to pick when he eats. This is so beyond stupid and a non-issue that bitter divorced parents like to fight over.

Different poster - I don’t agree with putting kids in the middle...but I also don’t agree kids get to pick...when they eat within reason. I think not eating the Bento box mom packed is outside of reasonableness. I think not finding something to eat at the takeout place dad suggested is outside of reasonableness. I think not picking something mom suggests to eat is outside of reasonableness. I think offering food bw 7-8 is outside reasonableness. (Eating dinner bw 7-8 is reasonable and skipping lunch is also within the realm of reasonableness). Expecting a big, elaborate dinner at 9:30 isn’t reasonable, for example.