10 yo doesn't eat when at dad's - what should I do, if anything?

[Anonymous]

Why do you care so much if he eats at his dad's or not?

He is 10. He can help himself to something when he comes home if he wants to; bowl of cereal, a sandwich, a wrap, whatever leftovers are in the frig. What in the world is the big deal about this. I feel like divorced parents like to pick stupid things to fight about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that he has to eat dinner at Dad’s. There will be no dinner at home other than oatmeal. Do this every time. He will change his ways very soon. He may just like that you eat as a family on these days (you say ex joins you?).

I agree with this.

+1 My child acted like yours OP. One thing was that his dad allowed video game playing the entire time whereas it's more restricted at home so DS took advantage of it. I also know because he said so that he liked sometimes having a "family" dinner.
Would you be open to doing a planned dinner with the ex and your child once a week separate from this meal? One idea might be for the dad to bring take out. This is what we've done and it's helped DS eat more over there.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

No, mom should tell kid to eat at Dad's or no meal at home. Simple.

No, this is using child as a weapon and playing games with ex. Child gets to pick when he eats. This is so beyond stupid and a non-issue that bitter divorced parents like to fight over.

Different poster - I don’t agree with putting kids in the middle...but I also don’t agree kids get to pick...when they eat within reason. I think not eating the Bento box mom packed is outside of reasonableness. I think not finding something to eat at the takeout place dad suggested is outside of reasonableness. I think not picking something mom suggests to eat is outside of reasonableness. I think offering food bw 7-8 is outside reasonableness. (Eating dinner bw 7-8 is reasonable and skipping lunch is also within the realm of reasonableness). Expecting a big, elaborate dinner at 9:30 isn’t reasonable, for example.

A 10 Yr old doesn’t need to take a bento box to dad’s house. He either eats whatever is at dad’s house or he can help himself to what is in the frig when he comes home. Mom isn’t expected to cook a big elaborate meal and she knows that. She is making this an issue bc that what too many divorced parents do. They like to pick fights over petty things and spend a lot of money in court. Go for it OP. Get a court order

OMG this is ridiculous PP. Are you projecting???

+1 I know! Some of these PPs sound like they are really angry people. OP asked a normal question in a very thoughtful and non combative way. She was not casting blame on anyone and went out of her way to make it clear her child's father was providing food but wanted help figuring out what was going on.
I don't think it's a tragedy if a 10 year old doesn't eat for a day but if you can break him of that habit you should try and if you should try to figure out if there's a larger problem going on . It's called good parenting which OP is practicing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

No, mom should tell kid to eat at Dad's or no meal at home. Simple.

No, this is using child as a weapon and playing games with ex. Child gets to pick when he eats. This is so beyond stupid and a non-issue that bitter divorced parents like to fight over.

Different poster - I don’t agree with putting kids in the middle...but I also don’t agree kids get to pick...when they eat within reason. I think not eating the Bento box mom packed is outside of reasonableness. I think not finding something to eat at the takeout place dad suggested is outside of reasonableness. I think not picking something mom suggests to eat is outside of reasonableness. I think offering food bw 7-8 is outside reasonableness. (Eating dinner bw 7-8 is reasonable and skipping lunch is also within the realm of reasonableness). Expecting a big, elaborate dinner at 9:30 isn’t reasonable, for example.

A 10 Yr old doesn’t need to take a bento box to dad’s house. He either eats whatever is at dad’s house or he can help himself to what is in the frig when he comes home. Mom isn’t expected to cook a big elaborate meal and she knows that. She is making this an issue bc that what too many divorced parents do. They like to pick fights over petty things and spend a lot of money in court. Go for it OP. Get a court order

OMG this is ridiculous PP. Are you projecting???

+1 I know! Some of these PPs sound like they are really angry people. OP asked a normal question in a very thoughtful and non combative way. She was not casting blame on anyone and went out of her way to make it clear her child's father was providing food but wanted help figuring out what was going on.
I don't think it's a tragedy if a 10 year old doesn't eat for a day but if you can break him of that habit you should try and if you should try to figure out if there's a larger problem going on . It's called good parenting which OP is practicing.

But she isn't really concerned her child isn't eating, she is mad that her "free time" without him is not weighed down with the thought of him wanting something to eat when he comes home. Which is entirely dumb. He can get himself something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the comments, but this is a weird thing to want to control, OP. Just let it go. Your kid is old enough to make their own food when they get home if they want it. Stop trying to orchestrate their time together or control your ex's actions.

Agree. This shouldn't be a big deal at all. It sounds like your main issue is having to think about making your child a sandwich when he comes home cuts into your "free" time. Giving one child something to eat should not take up any mental energy from you. You sound pretty selfish and bitter.

No, mom should tell kid to eat at Dad's or no meal at home. Simple.

No, this is using child as a weapon and playing games with ex. Child gets to pick when he eats. This is so beyond stupid and a non-issue that bitter divorced parents like to fight over.

Different poster - I don’t agree with putting kids in the middle...but I also don’t agree kids get to pick...when they eat within reason. I think not eating the Bento box mom packed is outside of reasonableness. I think not finding something to eat at the takeout place dad suggested is outside of reasonableness. I think not picking something mom suggests to eat is outside of reasonableness. I think offering food bw 7-8 is outside reasonableness. (Eating dinner bw 7-8 is reasonable and skipping lunch is also within the realm of reasonableness). Expecting a big, elaborate dinner at 9:30 isn’t reasonable, for example.

A 10 Yr old doesn’t need to take a bento box to dad’s house. He either eats whatever is at dad’s house or he can help himself to what is in the frig when he comes home. Mom isn’t expected to cook a big elaborate meal and she knows that. She is making this an issue bc that what too many divorced parents do. They like to pick fights over petty things and spend a lot of money in court. Go for it OP. Get a court order

Dad is offering food. Even if mom sent food kid probably would not eat because of the video games. Both parents need to fix this.

OP here: I have asked my ex multiple times to just make him stop playing (DS is actually easy in this regard, doesn't put up a fight, but requires pretty firm requests). He has refused. I have let it go a long time ago.

That's the best thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that he has to eat dinner at Dad’s. There will be no dinner at home other than oatmeal. Do this every time. He will change his ways very soon. He may just like that you eat as a family on these days (you say ex joins you?).

I agree with this.

This is what I would say too. In a nice way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Son visits his dad once a week - I bring him over around noon, dad brings him back around 7-8 pm. I feed him lunch before we go so he eats around 11-11:30, and then he doesn't eat dinner at dad's. Dad usually offers to get takeout, but I think he would be open to cooking (he used to, when he lived elsewhere and there was a grocery store close by), or ordering in. I am not sure what the dynamics of this is. Dad says he asks son if he is hungry, kid says no, and so they don't eat. I think our son just doesn't want to interrupt his videogames or maybe he is feeling a bit shy around dad or is too lazy to walk?
Anyway, this just bothers me, mostly because I end up being responsible for dinner on my only child-free night. But also I am worried that the kid goes hungry.
I started giving him a bento box of fruit/veggie and nut snacks, in hopes he becomes hungry and eats healthy food and then has dinner at home, but he doesn't eat much of that either, and I end up feeding my ex, which is ok but not my goal.
I just want to break this weird dynamic and looking for ideas. I tried to reason with dad saying I don't want to be responsible for dinner but he acts obtuse and says he offers but kid doesn't want to eat.
I tried to reason with our son, saying he should just say yes when dad asks when he is hungry - kid promises to do so but never does.
Honestly my ex does so little in the way of childcare that one dinner a week doesn't sound too much, and he can't even do that, and it annoys me to no end. Also sometimes the kid is there overnight, I was planning to increase the number of overnights, and now this?
Thank you for any insights and ideas.

Just feed your kid whatever dinner you want that night since it is a later night for you it seems. It's dinner. As long as his dad has food in the house, and her allows DS to eat, I don't think there is much else to do.