10 yo doesn't eat when at dad's - what should I do, if anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to your ex and say Larlo needs to eat at 7 PM. Dad isn't really a Dad and just a favorite uncle and this is an issue when he's only a visitor in Dad's home vs. a parent. Maybe you should "allow" Dad to be a real parent. It sounds like you are restricting time with Dad and then acting upset that Dad isn't a Dad. That's on you. Dad doesn't do "child care" because you restrict his access. Its one night a week. Dad offers, your kid is a brat and prefers video games, says no and knows you will feed him later. So, other option is to say eat at Dad's or no dinner when you get home.

I don't restrict anything, there is no set custody and child is free to be at Dad's whenever they both want it. Dad doesn't want to have him overnight because he "only has one bed and would have to sleep on the couch". It's a different story of how dad doesn't care to parent.

Would you like to have dinner with the person you described? What if you were forced? Hungry yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to your ex and say Larlo needs to eat at 7 PM. Dad isn't really a Dad and just a favorite uncle and this is an issue when he's only a visitor in Dad's home vs. a parent. Maybe you should "allow" Dad to be a real parent. It sounds like you are restricting time with Dad and then acting upset that Dad isn't a Dad. That's on you. Dad doesn't do "child care" because you restrict his access. Its one night a week. Dad offers, your kid is a brat and prefers video games, says no and knows you will feed him later. So, other option is to say eat at Dad's or no dinner when you get home.

I don't restrict anything, there is no set custody and child is free to be at Dad's whenever they both want it. Dad doesn't want to have him overnight because he "only has one bed and would have to sleep on the couch". It's a different story of how dad doesn't care to parent.

Would you like to have dinner with the person you described? What if you were forced? Hungry yet?

Kids should have relationships with their parents. When one parent speaks poorly, kids here it and behave to please the parent they live with. Dad can get kid an air mattress. Kid is too busy with video games. That is normal at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

The kid is too busy playing video games. It’s normal at that age. Dad needs to turn it off and say no more till you eat.

Or maybe kids should be allowed to refrain from visiting if they don’t want to? They’re people too.

Except kids are easily manipulated. If one parent terminates visits fine but they should not get child support if they want to be the sole parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

Maybe he was uncomfortable as he was basically a babysitter every few weeks vs a dad and did not get the opportunity to have that relationship. He knew your mom grilled you when you got home and any minor wrong doing or thing she could put a negative spin on she’d get you to say to use it against him.

Pp you’re responding to: interesting point but no. My mom didn’t ‘grill’ me and never spoke poorly about him. Not to say that can’t be the case with OP’s DS, but it wasn’t with me.

From your posts clearly more was going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

The kid is too busy playing video games. It’s normal at that age. Dad needs to turn it off and say no more till you eat.

Or maybe kids should be allowed to refrain from visiting if they don’t want to? They’re people too.

Except kids are easily manipulated. If one parent terminates visits fine but they should not get child support if they want to be the sole parent.

OK? Child support wasn’t even mentioned. As long as you never complain about spending time with your in-laws or family members/coworkers/randoms who make you uncomfortable, you’re set. Just make your kid suffer because they did nothing wrong!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

Maybe he was uncomfortable as he was basically a babysitter every few weeks vs a dad and did not get the opportunity to have that relationship. He knew your mom grilled you when you got home and any minor wrong doing or thing she could put a negative spin on she’d get you to say to use it against him.

Pp you’re responding to: interesting point but no. My mom didn’t ‘grill’ me and never spoke poorly about him. Not to say that can’t be the case with OP’s DS, but it wasn’t with me.

From your posts clearly more was going on.

Honestly, not really. I just think it’s odd to expect a child to negotiate adult relationships better than the adults did themselves. Perhaps you don’t know children whose parents divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

Maybe he was uncomfortable as he was basically a babysitter every few weeks vs a dad and did not get the opportunity to have that relationship. He knew your mom grilled you when you got home and any minor wrong doing or thing she could put a negative spin on she’d get you to say to use it against him.

Pp you’re responding to: interesting point but no. My mom didn’t ‘grill’ me and never spoke poorly about him. Not to say that can’t be the case with OP’s DS, but it wasn’t with me.

From your posts clearly more was going on.

Honestly, not really. I just think it’s odd to expect a child to negotiate adult relationships better than the adults did themselves. Perhaps you don’t know children whose parents divorced?

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

You definitely sound like you’re part of the problem. Your distaste for your ex is evident. You kid eats lunch bw 11-11:30, so he’s not really a slow eater. Your ex offers to get takeout but kid won’t say he’s hungry. So...

1. Have ex pick up take out on his way and drop kid off with his take out to eat at your house for dinner.

2. Move pick up earlier so kid eats lunch with dad instead of dinner. I’m guessing this is largely a video game problem not a shy or uncomfortable problem. If the meal is eaten first, video games aren’t interrupted and you get your meal free.

3. Have an easy meal for your kid to eat, which takes little time. For example, whatever you are spending time on now for the Bento box...prepare the same box but for dinner. You said your kid isn’t picky. Or add yogurt, oatmeal, cheese and crackers, leftovers, etc.

4. Tell kid is he doesn’t eat at dad’s, go over ideas of what he could make himself when he gets home.

5. Have dad start his visit first thing in the morning so they have breakfast together. Kid can skip or eat lunch and you can give him dinner.

This is not that big of a deal. Yes, it’s slightly annoying but kid is going to be fine, and you’ll live making this meal OR have ex bring the takeout meal and you serve it OR kid misses a meal.

Try not to make it seem like it’s such a sacrifice for you. It’s really, not that big of a deal and is just part of being divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

Maybe he was uncomfortable as he was basically a babysitter every few weeks vs a dad and did not get the opportunity to have that relationship. He knew your mom grilled you when you got home and any minor wrong doing or thing she could put a negative spin on she’d get you to say to use it against him.

Aww, poor dad! Maybe he should have tried to save his marriage? But that could’ve been miserable for him! So better to pass it along to literal children, right? I mean, adults shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable, but kids are ‘resilient’, so fair game! Seems legit!

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6313686/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4240051/

But aww, good for divorced parents!

https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/the-how-of-restoring-your-faith-in-love-after-divorce/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm

It’s weird how much self-care divorced people are encouraged to do while children just need to suck it up. I guess it’s just harder to be an adult than a child whose entire sense of security is either upended or never established - poor dears!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

The kid is too busy playing video games. It’s normal at that age. Dad needs to turn it off and say no more till you eat.

Because you believe your ex is telling the truth rather than your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is not that big of a deal. Yes, it’s slightly annoying but kid is going to be fine, and you’ll live making this meal OR have ex bring the takeout meal and you serve it OR kid misses a meal.

Try not to make it seem like it’s such a sacrifice for you. It’s really, not that big of a deal and is just part of being divorced.

Hard agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

The kid is too busy playing video games. It’s normal at that age. Dad needs to turn it off and say no more till you eat.

Because you believe your ex is telling the truth rather than your child?

Op said dad is offering food and kid is playing video games. Dad should choose dinner, tell kid to get off and eat. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not that big of a deal. Yes, it’s slightly annoying but kid is going to be fine, and you’ll live making this meal OR have ex bring the takeout meal and you serve it OR kid misses a meal.

Try not to make it seem like it’s such a sacrifice for you. It’s really, not that big of a deal and is just part of being divorced.

Hard agree!

Op should not serve a meal. If kid cannot get off video games when dad offers, then that is his choice but that is his meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

Maybe he was uncomfortable as he was basically a babysitter every few weeks vs a dad and did not get the opportunity to have that relationship. He knew your mom grilled you when you got home and any minor wrong doing or thing she could put a negative spin on she’d get you to say to use it against him.

Pp you’re responding to: interesting point but no. My mom didn’t ‘grill’ me and never spoke poorly about him. Not to say that can’t be the case with OP’s DS, but it wasn’t with me.

From your posts clearly more was going on.

Honestly, not really. I just think it’s odd to expect a child to negotiate adult relationships better than the adults did themselves. Perhaps you don’t know children whose parents divorced?

+1,000,000

There is nothing to negotiate. If kid does not eat at dads at meal time when offered, then he is not hungry and can wait to the next meal time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

Maybe he was uncomfortable as he was basically a babysitter every few weeks vs a dad and did not get the opportunity to have that relationship. He knew your mom grilled you when you got home and any minor wrong doing or thing she could put a negative spin on she’d get you to say to use it against him.

Aww, poor dad! Maybe he should have tried to save his marriage? But that could’ve been miserable for him! So better to pass it along to literal children, right? I mean, adults shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable, but kids are ‘resilient’, so fair game! Seems legit!

Interesting links. Did you read the articles, or just Google for titles you thought would say what you wanted?

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6313686/

"Still, most children whose parents divorce are resilient and exhibit no obvious psychological problems."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4240051/

This one is funded by the "American College of Pediatricians," a sham anti-science and anti-vax fake version of the AAP.

But aww, good for divorced parents!

https://loveandlifetoolbox.com/the-how-of-restoring-your-faith-in-love-after-divorce/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm

It’s weird how much self-care divorced people are encouraged to do while children just need to suck it up. I guess it’s just harder to be an adult than a child whose entire sense of security is either upended or never established - poor dears!