10 yo doesn't eat when at dad's - what should I do, if anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shy kid, right? Maybe still a bit awkward with the dynamic and trying to keep things peaceful?

he is on the shy side, yes. We are fairly civil with ex, but ex is a handful (if I can say that about an adult), I can see him belittling our son's food choices, etc. So maybe there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is dad only seeing him a few hours a week? Maybe the kid feels uneasy or awkward around him if he only sees him that infrequently. We saw my dad every other weekend and I was a bit afraid of him because he was an alcoholic and didn't want him to yell at me.

I thought this was a normal custody arrangement for a younger kid still in school??

No, that's not normal. Normal is 50/50 or at least every other weekend, one night a week and most of the summer.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I think I will have the kid make his basic dinner or have something for him that is healthy and filling but not too desirable for him (definitely not his favorite takeout).
Thanks for all the tips. Honestly I am just annoyed at both of them for creating this problem!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously! So typically male! of course, the kids say, no thanks!
Almost all kids will say that, in an awkward situation. Dad should be saying here is pizza!

OP here: exactly! and, it doesn't have to be pizza! My kid is not a particularly picky eater, he just customizes his orders when we are out, so maybe there are some issues around that?
it was fine when ex lived next to a grocery store: he would get the same stuff and cook the same dinners. It was fine when ex would visit at our house: they had a number of restaurants in the vicinity they both knew and visited. Somehow it does not work at ex's new place! there are restaurants near him, too. Ugh!

Unfortunately no amount of talking to ex is going to fix it. He insists it's all good and the kid is lazy/spoiled/weird, you name it.
It used to be even worse, he would try to bring him over earlier because the kid wouldn't eat.

Maybe he is right about the kid and you need to talk to the kid about his behavior at Dad's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is dad only seeing him a few hours a week? Maybe the kid feels uneasy or awkward around him if he only sees him that infrequently. We saw my dad every other weekend and I was a bit afraid of him because he was an alcoholic and didn't want him to yell at me.

I thought this was a normal custody arrangement for a younger kid still in school??

No, that's not normal. Normal is 50/50 or at least every other weekend, one night a week and most of the summer.

OP here: that's what dad chose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously! So typically male! of course, the kids say, no thanks!
Almost all kids will say that, in an awkward situation. Dad should be saying here is pizza!

OP here: exactly! and, it doesn't have to be pizza! My kid is not a particularly picky eater, he just customizes his orders when we are out, so maybe there are some issues around that?
it was fine when ex lived next to a grocery store: he would get the same stuff and cook the same dinners. It was fine when ex would visit at our house: they had a number of restaurants in the vicinity they both knew and visited. Somehow it does not work at ex's new place! there are restaurants near him, too. Ugh!

Unfortunately no amount of talking to ex is going to fix it. He insists it's all good and the kid is lazy/spoiled/weird, you name it.
It used to be even worse, he would try to bring him over earlier because the kid wouldn't eat.

Maybe he is right about the kid and you need to talk to the kid about his behavior at Dad's.

Kid isn't doing anything wrong: he says he isn't hungry. It's not like he is rejecting a meal or badmouthing it?

[Anonymous]

“John, It’s impossible to get Johnny fed and into bed for school if you’re bringing him home at 8o’clock without dinner. Either build dinner time into your schedule or bring him back earlier so he eats here but one way or another he really needs to be fed. He’s not fussy. Grab a burger or pizza but don’t wait around for him to speak up that he’s hungry. “

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously! So typically male! of course, the kids say, no thanks!
Almost all kids will say that, in an awkward situation. Dad should be saying here is pizza!

OP here: exactly! and, it doesn't have to be pizza! My kid is not a particularly picky eater, he just customizes his orders when we are out, so maybe there are some issues around that?
it was fine when ex lived next to a grocery store: he would get the same stuff and cook the same dinners. It was fine when ex would visit at our house: they had a number of restaurants in the vicinity they both knew and visited. Somehow it does not work at ex's new place! there are restaurants near him, too. Ugh!

Unfortunately no amount of talking to ex is going to fix it. He insists it's all good and the kid is lazy/spoiled/weird, you name it.
It used to be even worse, he would try to bring him over earlier because the kid wouldn't eat.

Maybe he is right about the kid and you need to talk to the kid about his behavior at Dad's.

Not OP, but shouldn't his dad be doing that?

[Anonymous]

This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Pp: and it’s not that food wasn’t provided for me when I was with my dad, but I was too anxious to be interested in eating around him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

Maybe he was uncomfortable as he was basically a babysitter every few weeks vs a dad and did not get the opportunity to have that relationship. He knew your mom grilled you when you got home and any minor wrong doing or thing she could put a negative spin on she’d get you to say to use it against him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

The kid is too busy playing video games. It’s normal at that age. Dad needs to turn it off and say no more till you eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

Maybe he was uncomfortable as he was basically a babysitter every few weeks vs a dad and did not get the opportunity to have that relationship. He knew your mom grilled you when you got home and any minor wrong doing or thing she could put a negative spin on she’d get you to say to use it against him.

Pp you’re responding to: interesting point but no. My mom didn’t ‘grill’ me and never spoke poorly about him. Not to say that can’t be the case with OP’s DS, but it wasn’t with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was me! My mom actually still talks about it (that I would come home hungry from my dad’s - either the weekend with him or every Weds. dinner), which makes me feel guilty to this day. My father and I were not and are not close, though I spent that mandated time with him. Because my dad didn’t seem to particularly like me, I was very nervous around him and simply was not interested in eating in his presence. My dad wasn’t awful with me or anything, he just made me uncomfortable.
Please don’t make your DC feel badly because he doesn’t want to eat with his father. Your DC is dealing with so much already (because you and his father couldn’t work out your adult sh-t), please don’t begrudge him eating meals when he is comfortable enough to eat them. Seriously, I understand that divorce sucks for everyone but it sucks more for your kid.

The kid is too busy playing video games. It’s normal at that age. Dad needs to turn it off and say no more till you eat.

Or maybe kids should be allowed to refrain from visiting if they don’t want to? They’re people too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shy kid, right? Maybe still a bit awkward with the dynamic and trying to keep things peaceful?

This! Your kid should not have to perform for you so that you don’t have to feel badly about your divorce - sorry!